Help!! I feel like giving up!! I feel like it's easier just to forget about this issue and keep it quiet than to work on it and have it on my mind daily. Still clean so far.
        Newlife

Yes.  The beginning can be murder.  Painful.

It gets better, but not quickly.

The stricter you are with your guarding your eyes and mind, the easier it gets, and the quicker it gets easier.

Don't forget:  just keep taking it one day at a time, one right decision at a time.

The pain will eventually go away.  Tearing your eyes away will become second nature.  You will be free to connect with the real world, including your wife, in ways you never have before.

One right decision at a time.

wise words, Alex

lust can sometimes be a cycle that feeds itself. if we focus on it too much and get worked up about it that can backfire and cause a fall sometimes. on the one hand you need to be 'on guard' constantly. on the other hand you need to relax and live and not be a hypochondriac shaking like a leaf at the thought that maybe something might happen.
you have to know yourself and perceive when to draw the line.
davening and talking to the RBSO about this can help.

wishing you much hatzlocha
zs

But you know the truth NewLife; You know that you'll be miserable if you fall and let go. You know that if you don't take this fight all the way, you're going to have a terrible and miserable existence. After all, why did you try stopping in the first place?
True, right now you're miserable as well and it's hard for you to stop but you need to trust everyone who is telling you that very soon it will get much easier. I'm telling you this as someone who is holding on day 87 of being clean. It is infinitely easier now and you'll already see improvement in a few days. You are probably just having a hard day today...

Remember to daven to Hashem and tell him that you want to stop but it's not in your hands. Ultimately, you cannot stop without his help so ask him for it!

Thank You guys and I got this feeling out of my head. BH Still clean!!

Dude never, ever give  up. There is a simple biological reason that  its so hard in the beginning. When you fall, your brain releases a tidal wave of chemicals that are normally released  in smaller amounts everytime you feel good.  these  are called  neurotransmitters and some of them make you  feel amazing,  at least until they  are  depleted.  Then you  feel guilty and depressed hence the crash after a fall. Anyway, when you're in the habit if falling, you're  body lessens to crave the amazing feeling these chemicals give and so you keep going back to  it. This is the science behind all addictions- drugs, alcohol, sexual... The key is that if you can hold out for a long enough time ( they say 90 days so 3 months) the brain can rewire itself ( this is called having plasticity) to get its enjoyment and release its chemicals in other ways and no longer craves  the old way ( at least not nearly as much). So basically, DONT give up!!!! It will get easier!!!!

Dear tryingsohard,

Thanks for the facts. What is important to me is not whether the facts are correct, though but this one thing I want to ask you: Are you describing your own actual experience, or something else?

it only your brain fighting back...

try to UNlearn how to ride a bicyle - same idea.

you've taught your brain how to act when you are in pain.. where to run away too.
and the brain remembers.

even long after you have reached sobriety.

those cells in the brain remember - and one day when you slip...
your brain will gain SOOOO much pleasure from it!
maybe even more than previously.... and you'll crave more of it.

until it pulls you down - and maybe even  kills you, hass v'shalom.

or you can work on it - and work on freeing yourself.
your life - your call !

dov.ii

It's really hard going.  emotions all over the place.  What's important to me is that you are struggling with this really hard.  the guys here will show up when you're in trouble.  You already know about sitting and just talking with Him, ask for absolutely whatever you want or need.  How about getting a few phone numbers you can call when your teeth start to grind?  Have you checked out the phone groups?  Just lurk and listen in. 

Hang in there my man.  Just keep at it.  Falls shmalls, just keep at it.  You will get there.  Maybe get ahold of Blind Beggar.  He can tell you a lot about hanging in there.

Hatzlohcho!

Hey, amigo, we are with you in this, so there will be no giving up this time, ok, old buddy?

Dear dov- I'm describing the research that I've done. Not sure what you're looking for...

Very simple. Is this research from you, or is it from science, books, and experts? If it is from experts - who are probably 100% correct! - it means little to me and I do have any evidence of sobriety and recovery gained from that. The only sobriety and recovery I have personally witnessed, was gained from other sick addicts sharing what really works for them in the long haul, with other willing sickos (like me).

I am not judging what you are saying, at all, nor in any way. I am only asking if you feel it is useful information because it makes sense - or because you are staying clean by using that information.

To me, it is like Vince Lombardi put it, "Winning isn't everything - it's the only thing." (Though of course, I am not talking about any kind of 'winning', but about staying sober and recovering as a result of staying sober.)

Get me yet?

dov wrote on 04 Nov 2011 17:16:

Important point.  Almost got that one by me.  Sobriety is the framework for recovery, not the other way around.  Correct?

It's the Chazon Ish's shittah against Mussar yeshivos. The avodah itself creates the basis for middos correction.

So in sobriety for an addict, he or she comes to the point where there is no other option but to stop (and not start up again)...though he knows that he cannot stop! So he stops thinking so much and takes one day at a time, gives the entire struggle to his real G-d by explicitly opening up to other people about it, and stays sober by a miracle.

As the days go by, this often messy thing called "life" starts to happen. It starts happening in a more and more real way, too...cuz he is no longer hiding physically and emotionally inside his old fake porn or sex habit (and 'valiant' struggle for 'kedushas bris ham'or'). The sweet distraction is gone! It sucks, doesn't it?

His wife is a pain (and boring), his kids are a pain, everybody is a pain...except maybe the 'hottie' at work....OK, but he knows he does not have the ability to go there any more, so what to do, what to do....

He remembers the steps and that the guys who seem to be doing well are the ones who talk about them (though what they say usually makes little sense to him). And he starts to work them by taking direction from others, instead of lust try to 'understand' : them well enough to start. (finally)

This fellow soon discovers that it is by surviving through real life that he learns how to be a normal person. A normal person deals with real life and does not react to fear, resentment, and desire, by running to his mommy-god of nudes and orgasms. Nor does he react to them by raging or blaming. The steps point the way for addicts to face real life. But those who know operand conditioning theory know about this little thing called "extinction burst". Right before a real change, the 'homesickness' for the good-old (sick) way is extremely strong. Painful, actually.

But if he reacts to the pain without hope and trust and just goes and has sex with himself (masturbates) or is inappropriately sexual with someone else, he will again slip real life under the rug. There will be no growth and he will remain a seven year old...for now. That's why they call try to call it "adult entertainment"...it is a joke, really.

So it is the pain of staying sober that makes the growth have to happen. One little step forward at a time that adds up to shockingly major changes. We are surprised by how we have changed. Then by how much we are still the same. Nu. KOT, right?

What's making me nervous, is that this oddball dov, who'se ridiculous posts I started reading months ago.... are starting to make sense to me, gevalt  :o!