Ive had problems with my parents for a long time. My father is  just as straight-up horrible person. He hit, kicked and threw my two brothers and I all over the place  for many years, all the while being  totally hypocritical  and demanding that we keep a standard  of religiousness while he would openly go against what he told us we couldn't do. I think  i  can remember every single incident. On top of  that, he and my  mom have an atrocious marriage that should have ended years ago. They fight at every possible occasion about everything. Shabbos meals are a torturous hell to sit through. My mom has openly admitted to hating him but they stay  together for financial reasons. I have dreamed about beating my father, such is my hate for him and what  he  did to my childhood. I can't think of a person on the planet I dislike more, honestly. The man is 54 and is proud that he 'acts young'.  he has no friends in our communiity, has  gotten into numerous fights with ppl in it and has humiliated my family so many times. Probably the worst thing about him is  that he is simply devoid of any emotion. He could watch the saddest, most touching movie and hell make a quacking sound and giggle like a  child. That total lack of sensitivity  caused  him  to  never care  about what us kids ( or anyone  for that matter) were going through. Never gave a kind word. I literally cannot recall him saying 'I love  you' nor can I recall  him ever admitting to a mistake  even when he was blatantly wrong. There is no doubt in my mind that he and my parent awful  marriage certainly played a big part in me developing this problem in order to make myself feel better. Anyone else have any similar  issues?

Whoa that's a toughie. There are things that you wrote which I can relate to and others that thankfully ive been spared from. You've had a tough life, but it will only get tougher if you wallow in self-pity. It would seemingly make my life so much easier if I were able to blame my addiction on my father. After all I watch him now and I still get embarassed at the way he flirts with anything in a skirt. But what good would it do me.  Too much of my life has been wasted on my lust why ruin it more by engaging in seemingly justified lustful activities. It just doesn't make sense.
My own suggestion is to join one of the phone conferences that have just begun. It will give you a new perspective for living, help you overcome the addiction and come to terms with your family situation as well.
I feel your pain and which you much hatzlacha in your struggle.

WOW, that is unreal.  I have only heard vaguely and mildly experienced what you are going through.  If you are in physical or emotional danger, leaving is probably something to consider if you can afford to.  Being around that can be dangerous.  But recovery is about more than that, it's about accepting what you have been through, and harnessing the good from it, and helping others escape their hell.  Chizku to you. 

thanh you guys for your support. Naa im not in any danger now, im 22. my brothers and i ( ages 24, 22 and 20) finally said "youre not gonna touch us anymore" and that pretty much took care of that. I just literally have zero respect for him. Being a father, a parent, is a huge responsibility and  should be maybe the most joyous aspect of a persons life. And he took that whole idea of that and spit on it with his unbelievable immaturity and emotion instability. i love kids and helping kids ( i feel like maybe im compensating to ensure that other kids dont have to go through what i went through), for a long time i was going to go into child psychology. i tend to think a lot about the relationships kids have with parents and to observe them. in my book, he utterly failed as a parent because he refused to give what is almost definitely the most important thing a child can receive from its parents and that is Love. Im not sure i can ever forgive him for it. The point is that i wonder how much that contributed to me trying to find a way to make myself feel more loved ( masturbation and porn watching is often called self-love).  His awful marriage with my mom also made her a sulky, bitter woman a lot of the time, so i could never really discuss problems with her. i didn't really have anyone to talk to about any problems i was going through . it just made me feel very alone.

Hi Trying, you expressed yourself so well, I can feel your pain.  I'm glad you were able to share that with us. Many people here have difficult relationships with their parents one way or another. 

I don't have any sage advice, but take care of yourself and don't let your hatred for your father run your life.  You are still young and have a lot of good years ahead of you.  You are taking steps in the right direction.  I wish you hatzlacha! Keep us posted!

wow i read your life story ,feel sorry for you for all you went thru ,if you you are still sain and normal after all this you deserve lots of credit.

try this you my find chizuk hatzlocha  freefrominternetaddiction.blogspot.com/

I have a similar father, though he never really hit us, but he was that nasty. He would laugh at touching movies that most normal people would cry at. He would only do things he wanted to do not what my mom, or any of us wanted to do. He would fart in public scaring away people, and think it was funny. He loved his cats, and his car more than us. I would come home late at night to avoid him, and catch him watching porn on the couch rather than sleeping in bed with his wife who he said he loved. I am trying not to be him, even though I have some of his traits. Therefore me and you must take the first step and do almost everything the complete opposite of what our fathers did. And I took that first step I went to guardyoureyes. And if one day when I have kids I will do my best to participate in a hobby that they like even if I cant stand it. I hope you try and do the same.

And if one day when I have kids I will do my best to participate in a hobby that they like even if I cant stand it. I hope you try and do the same.
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Beautiful! You're going to be an amazing father. I'm going to come to you for advice when I have kids :D

When I have  kids, god willing, they  will be  my life. Ofcourse I  will  play and do just about anything with/ for them. And because I was so often embarrased by my  father in public, i will be  extra vigilant  never to embarrass them. Probably the hardest thing will be not hugging  or kissing them in front of their friends, which ALL kids seem to hate  once they get to about age 10 or so  lol

I'm sorry you are having to live with this inside and feel alone with it.  Do you by any chance know a rav not in your community who wouldn't know your father that you could talk with?  You'll meet people here that will want to sincerely be your chaver, in a deep way.  It is very possible to talk on the phone and get to know them in person.  You are absolutely not alone, and do not have to hold this inside all alone. 

I had a farting in public sarcastic father, too.  but he never laid a hand on me and I knew he loved me, though as an adult I had to ask him to please tell me he loved me.  I needed to hear it.  My mother was the one who hit me, violently, pretty often.  Until, like you, when I was ten, I grabbed her hand as it was coming down on me and told her she couldn't do that to me any more.  It took many years for me to even be civil to her, and many many years of therapy to get to a certain amount of forgiveness.  Even on her deathbed, when she apologized for how she had treated me and asked my forgiveness and I told her I had forgiven her a long time ago, I knew that wasn't entirely true.  I asked "H for a lot of help on this.  I really didn't want to hate her, and I knew there had to be a way that that could happen.

I wish you peace, above all else.  You will be such a wonderful father.  Can I come live with you?  I still want my mommy.

My father (who was quite loving and non-abusive) once shared this thought with me:
children who are abused by their parents have a choice: to grow up to be like their parents and "pay back" to their children for all the hard times they themselves have endured. Or
to say to themselves: "I know how terrible it is, I will do my darndest that my children don't know of such misery"

Unfortunately, I think the statistics say that it's more likely for the abused to become abusers.  Not because of "pay back" though.  They don't have the tools to love their children because they never got it from their parents.  I think Dr Sorotzkin said something about it in one of his MP3s, but I can't remember exactly what he said.