I am a 22 year old single guy. Ive been trying for about 7 years to break this terrible cycle. but nothing seems to help. right after i fall I always feel terrible but I just cant seem to have the self control to not fall again. It is destroying my life. It is ruining my social life because I feel like im leading a double life. im embarrassed to hang out with my friends and many times when they've invited me to do something with them, i say no because i feel so hypocritical being around them. it has destroyed my religious life. i often miss davening in a minyan aftrer i fall, also because I feel like "how can i go and face god after what ive done" i exercise less because it takes up all my time. i feel like a shadow of the bright eyed, innocent kid I once was. and these past years, my teen years, are some of the best in ones life. and I feel like i wasted them and, obviously ill never get them back. Its incredibly depressing. i just feel so sad all the time.

Ggood thing you're on the forums! I'm 18 and I've had same problem since I was 12. But I'm on the 90 day journey and it helps so much. Especially posting on the forums. I know u can do it u have to just take it one day at a time and give it everything u got. It is possible. I'm on my 13 th day I'm sure u can do better. Hashemite is with u all the way and walking with u everytine u walk away from this sin. Also I use music to help me maybe it can help u too!

thank you so much for your positive words! ya i do try to use music cuz im a music freak, i can listen to music all day. but thats the thing- even that has suffered. before i got internet, my neighbors used to make fun of me because i would sit outside on my porch listening to music for hours. but now i havent done that in a long time. i guess i have to try harder. i just lose the will to do anything...

trying so hard,

I feel your pain. I've been where you are so many times. I know the bad feeling you described which comes from not doing the things you like b.c. you're caught up in this stuff.

But you have to believe that you can make it with Hashem's help and pull out of this mess. You have to start asking him to help you out. It's really not so much in your hands anymore. It's in his. All you have to do is ask.
You'll see wonders very soon. I promise!

Trying so hard,
Your post really resonated with me.  I know how it feels to feel so dirty about yourself that you don't feel like you can face Hashem, speak to him, and do anything holy.  I remember one simchas torah after one particularly MAJOR fall, I felt so dirty and disgusting dancing with the sefer torah and the guys that simchas torah.  However, I read something that really changed my whole view and helped me in a major way.  The Chazon Ish writes to ignore all the fixes that you see in the gemorahs and other chazals such as fasting, etc. and rather simply focus on going about your learning and davening with simcha and joy!  Once you have fallen, the yetzer harah wants to get you even more, by convincing you that you are not worthy when in fact the exact opposite is true.  His goal is to send you tailspinning in a crash of self-pity and negative self-worth, which just causes you to fall again.  In the words of a wise man I know, "When the Yetzer harah makes you fall, shake his hand, so yasher koach, now I know where I have to work, and continue your live with joy and happiness!"  This really works, I tried it myself.  Good luck!  I hope you have tremendous success

thank you so much "kidushashem", "overcoming", and everyone for your kind words. today went really well in large part, i think, to my posting for the first time on this forum. i will continue to post, as it definitely gives me a stronger feeling that im not alone and that there are others who want to help me. i have read posts on the forum before, but actively writing and posting myself works much better for me. thank you again!

I once asked my rebbi how to get out of a rut. One of the things he told me was that sometimes Hashem throws you a good day. A day free of tuma and full of Tahara. He said that when that happens you just got to try to hold on to that for as long as you can. So you said that today was a good day hold on to that and use it as your spring board. Keep up the good work and just know. That every moment of holding back an urge gives so much Nachas to Hashem you can't even imagine. Stay srong and stay together with everyone on this forum and just enjoy the chevra here. Hatzlocho and Bracha.    Newlife

tryingsohard,
    same here i can listen to music all day and sometimes itdoesnt always do the job, but it forsure helps, especially music and GYE, its almost like a cure (almost). use your first day the next day, say to yourself i workedso hard for yesterday, i dont wantto lose it,and each day that goes on youll have to sacrafice another day.so since you have one day, use it to your advantage tommorow, bec the yetzer harah is one day weaker, and its a big victory for you.

Thanks for your post TryingSoHard.  resonates here too - I can only add, that you are DEFINITELY not alone.  In fact if you opened a shul for people with similar problems, you could probably get rolling minyanim every 10 minutes, and you'd even have guys with payot.  This issue doesn't discriminate.  While I haven't fallen since Aug 8, I can't say it's been easy sailing and that my mind has been pure since, but I do know that every time I would fall, not only did it cause despondency, distancing from H", and continued the obsession... but it was also never enough.  Once is too many, a thousand is not enough.  The illusion and distortion of this "disease" is that I feel that all I need to fix myself today, is to act out, to get that lust-high, and then I'll be complete, I can get past whatever.  But that's the illusion.  I keep telling myself that every single time and it never works!!  I'm "complete" for one moment, and then I return to incompleteness.

Anyhow to your point, not only are you not alone, but you could actually help a lot of your friends if you took off your distorted glasses (i.e. thinking that you are the only person struggling with this among your peer group), and put on the Glasses of Emet.  Then you could see that many of your friends probably  have similar struggles. 

Hi tryingsohard and welcome.  Your story is not unusual at all.  Perhaps stop trying so hard and instead try something different.  Hang out here, and you will get lots of ideas on how to do that.  I haven't seen too many people being successful on the forum by "just trying harder".  We need to "try something different".

I have found dov's posts in particular to be very enlightening.

Many people much worse off than you have recovered, you can too.

I've collected some of my favorite dov posts here.

www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4380.msg116445#msg116445