Hello everyone. I introduced myself in this thread: www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4600.0 and have been working on the 90-day challenge, a bit haphazardly but nevertheless I've been successful as of this post. 4 days, I'm on the chart! I guess that's worth a little celebration, because four days may sound easy to some, even to myself at another time, but now is a real milestone. I know it's probably not going to get any easier, or will get harder before it's gets easier. So I started this thread to come back to and post, even if only for my own sake.

The daily temptation is enormous. I installed K9 on my computer, but I have so far been afraid to give away the password. I know that's foolish because I could at any time disable it, but being completely honest, so far even seeing the K9 page come up on a blocked site gives me a bit of strength, and thus far I have not unblocked anything. If that becomes a major temptation, I will have someone else set the password. At one point, when my mind was just on fire with temptation, I typed in a website I knew would be blocked, just to let K9 load. I just felt like I needed to type it. It's a site I've typed in so many times before out of desperation. I don't ever want that site to load again, as much as I might feel I need it to.

My issue, as evident here, is p*, but also m* and basically just everything that happens in the brain to allow those two things to happen. My mind is so unclean it's preposterous, and typing that just now gave me a little relief. I had a little chuckle, and it's the first time I've ever been able to laugh about it, to shake my head at myself and say "What a mess you made of yourself!" - until now, I have only been able to either act out or resent myself bitterly. Look at that, instant therapy!

To give a bit of a summary of my first few days clean.

Day one was fairly easy, because I felt empowered by the decision I had made to stop. Plus, going one day without acting out isn't that hard. I have, in the past, gone several weeks or even months at one point. The reason I said earlier that 4 days was a big deal to me is because this time, I'm trying. The other times, I just lost interest or was too busy to act out. Trying makes it harder, but of course, a struggle isn't a struggle if you're not struggling! Day 2 was okay, I still felt like I was making the right choice and that gave me some defense against the yetzer hara. Day 3 I started feeling tense. I started getting moody with everyone and had to excuse myself from conversations to cool down. I knew why it was happening. Be the end of the day I sat in front of my computer desperate, like I was having a fever, like my blood was on fire. I felt like I wanted to cry or scream. I almost went to find something inappropriate and I forced myself to stop successfully each time. I instead talked to a good friend about other things to get my mind off of it well into the night and finally fell asleep.

Day 4, today, being a milestone on the 90-day calendar, feels food but the temptation is still there. I can feel it, like a gnawing or a dull burning. At times it seems I'll break out into a cold sweat. I've had this situation before and thought "if only I could just take a pill that would rid me of this feeling" but I know that isn't a solution. Even if there was such a pill, I don't want to rely on medicine. I want to fight this madness to its hiding place in me and block it off with my mind. I want to become stronger than it. I want to do great things with my life, not waste away like a helpless slave. I'm only 27 but this could go with my to the grave if I let it. In face as I've gotten older it's only gotten more out of control, my thoughts more impure and twisted.

That said, I am about to go exercise after I post this, to burn off some energy and focus on something else, because even though I can sit here all day long and admit to my problems, they are eating away at my willpower trying to break me down. I will keep posting periodically as I said, even if it doesn't help others, just so I can have this to come back and reflect on. But ultimately I hope it will spark conversation because I'm here for help. If it gets bad enough I will call the hotline if need be. I'm 100% in this fight, at least right now.

Also, as a side note, I want to start davening again. I have a siddur, tefillin and a tallit (the one I was married under!) and I just don't use any of it. I want to change that. Does anyone have any advice on how to get back into doing it? When you haven't done it in years, or ever, it feels strange and is hard to stick with.

It's great that you're going to post your journey! You seem to be very determined to control your life. You can do it!

As for Davening, I think that if you focus on the fact that you are standing before G-D, your father, you will be able to appreciate it. Have a conversation with him just like you would with a friend.

Hi Raz,

The withdrawal process can be really painful, it's just like stopping drugs. I went through it 6 months ago when I basically stopped P & M cold turkey, and committed to serious Shemiras Einayim after 30 years of just doing what I wanted. I was physically ill, depressed, almost suicidal. I wandered the streets in a daze, stepping out into traffic, almost daring G-d to send a car at me to take the pain away. I had to keep convincing myself that getting through this was more important to me than anything else in the world, and that I had a family that i love and who loves me, and i wouldn't want to hurt them. It got better after about 2-3 weeks. So hang in there, it gets easier soon.

KOMT!!!

gevura1

Day 5 and no slips or falls. Thank you both for the encouragement. It seems that it comes in waves, often when I least expect it. Yesterday and today where were periods of maybe a half an hour to two hours a piece where I was really fighting it, then a break for a few hours, then another wave. I have just been doing everything I can to stay away from the computer other than to come here, or to work on something important. Otherwise I avoid even browsing the news, as it seems every webpage out there slips in a suggestive photo, or suggestive headline, for no reason other than to attract visitors and torture those of us who are fighting an illness. I was in the habit of playing a video game, a seemingly harmless game before all of this, The Sims. Now I can't touch it. Even goofy cartoon allusions to risque behavior affects me now! My addiction just wants to find excitement anywhere it can. I have been having inappropriate dreams at night. I've heard this would happen, just like when someone gives up eating a certain food or giving up any other addiction, they'll dream about doing it and feel ashamed. Only in my dreams, I'm not ashamed. I'm reveling in it! The shame is when I wake up.

When it comes to davening, I'll admit now something that I haven't even been able to admit to my family. It has pained my mother for years that I wouldn't become more observant. For my wedding she bought me tefillin and my wife bought me a tallit. When she asks me why I don't do anything with them, I just find some excuse. In reality, it's because I've been ashamed. I feel ridiculous coming before Hashem in close proximity to acting out, which up until now has been almost every single day. So I gave up. I thought, I'll fight this myself and THEN I'll face Hashem a cleaned man. Well, that hasn't worked out at all. Without Hashem I am even more helpless because I have an inflated ego and a false sense of self-control. Without that humility, there is no structure and I answer to no one at all for my actions.

My wife noticed that I had come to this website yesterday and asked me about it. She knows that I have this issue, but not just how much of an issue it still is. So, suddenly afraid and not sure what to say, I told her at least part of the truth, which is that I come here because even when I am not acting out, I get urges as any addict does, and I need the support. That's a complete truth in itself, but the rest of it - the decision to come here being made after weeks and week of acting out, I couldn't bear to admit to. I felt that right now it was best that I just keep fighting, I don't feel strong enough to come completely clean yet.

Is that normal? Am I committing an even worse crime by not putting it all out on the table? What is everyone's own experience with this problem?

raz wrote on 19 Oct 2011 23:22:
i can totally relate. my teeny tiny brain flicks from one trivial useless thought to the next... even an innocent moment on amazon or cnn news can very quickly get me on to bad thoughts.  Solution - stop it at source (when you figure out how to do that - LET ME KNOW)


raz wrote on 19 Oct 2011 23:22:

this is your y"h speaking to you... yeah I am unworthy to even BREATH, never mind daven with my contamination. But Boruch Hashem He knows we are all disgusting with our secret habits, he know's what that those same hands putting on tallis or wrapping teffilin  have done... but ... he really really loves us and wants to hear from us!!!


chag samayach.

I fell, and continued to fall, almost every day after simchat torah. I have been so disgusted and angry with myself about it that I couldn't bear to come back to this site and click the "I had a fall" button. I just kept pushing it, getting closer and closer to falling, and then backing away horrified until it finally happened. When it happened, my yetzer hara was jumping for joy. It was like a celebration that I didn't want to be a part of. I finally came here today to reset the timer. I feel useless and angry and sad. But I'm starting over. I don't know how to believe in myself. I should say that I am very, very grateful for the automated email I got from GYE asking if I was okay and that I hadn't updated. It was because of that email that I came back here to start over.

I am very very foolish if I want to believe in MYSELF.


I prefer to believe in a God who is GREATER than myself.......


;D

I thought about that when I wrote it. But because there has been such a disconnect in my mind between myself and Hashem I instinctively wrote "myself." This is probably a big part of my problem. As much as I have said before that I can't fix my problem, here I am expecting "myself" to fix it. That's probably even going to be a harder addiction to break, the addiction to the self.

After considering my issue I went and for the first time started reading the "Breaking Free" material on the home page. The third one I believe had this thought "If this woman is so beautiful and I desire her so much, how much more beautiful it must be to connect with G-d, who is the infinite source of all beauty, pleasantness and pleasure!” I find that to be a very reassuring quote. It does give me some peace. I'm going to think about this a lot today. I know it's true.

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 27 Oct 2011 19:49:



I am a liar & a faker.

I don't practice what I preach.  :-[ :-[




I am told that I ought to stop preaching for a few months.  :-X

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 27 Oct 2011 20:03:


Well from one liar and faker to another, I do appreciate your advice. I realize that I do the same thing. I tell others what is good for them when I'm utterly failing with the same problems. We're all here for the same or similar reasons, and I expect that as a result, no one here is perfect. I should probably take the same advice and stop preaching until I can at least say I went a WEEK without falling. Which I have not done in a long time!

Hi Raz

You shouldn't "believe in yourself" that you can fix this on your own, but you must "believe in yourself" that you want so badly to get better.

You can't do it without Hashem, but He won't do it for you unless you show Him that you want it.

So get back in the truck, He is the motor, you just have to put it in gear.....and keep your eyes in the right place so you don't crash .

KOMT!!!!!

Gevura!

raz wrote on 27 Oct 2011 19:47:

I see a problem right here. Even a bigger problem then the fall itself. Watch out Raz Dear

lookingforwisdom wrote on 27 Oct 2011 20:19:


Care to elaborate? Should I feel happy? Something positive? Because I fell? The anger and disgust is temporary, and those words are only half-truths. To be honest, when I did it, I didn't really care for the most part. I still don't. There's honesty. I enjoyed it, and my level of regret is fairly low. THAT'S a problem. I'm feigning extreme remorse here. And I'm lying twice in this post even! I'm saying I don't care, which isn't true, and that the anger is temporary, which to a degree is untrue, and that I'm feigning remorse here, which isn't completely true. I'm a mess. I don't see this getting any better. My head is full of so much psychobabble nonsense, from trying to fix it myself, that I don't even know what I believe.

raz wrote on 18 Oct 2011 19:46:


hey raz, wishing you best of luck on your journey. davening is a great tool, but i agree it's tough to get into. i recommend the book "Where Earth and Heaven Kiss" from the breslov institute (breslov.org/where-earth-and-heaven-kiss/) – they also have hard-copies you can order.  It's not about davening per se, but, even though I'm not a Breslover, I've found their approach towards talking w/ Hashem very useful, even in approaching regular davening. 

on a practical note, i don't really know what stage you're at w/ davening, but for myself, i struggle a LOT with schachaaris.  i've chosen to start small.  i do the absolute bare minimum of putting on tefillin, saying shema, and then amidah – altogether only 15 minutes.  on days when i have more time or when i wake up earlier, i extend davening.  it's helped me a lot to get a little bit in.  hope this helps!
best,
yoni