Your wife's suffering is none of your business.  She needs her own programme and her own treatment, nothing you can fix.  By thinking you can fix your wife, you are putting off your own treatment.  To me it just sounds like sick co-dependent stuff.  Calling her 18 times a day won't make her feel any better.

Just my humble opinion.  I'm usually wrong though.

Thanks for clarifying, Showoff.

With all the details, it doesn't sound as bad as I originally thought.  You didn't go ahead and just volunteer this information to your wife; she found out anyways and pressed you for it.  And, it doesn't sound like you're going into all the gorey details unless your wife insists.  I'll even admit, I went through a stage like this with my wife, too.  Explaining and discussing my sickness with her; having these discussions about all our baggage.  But, it was a stage that we got past (and both of us are now much happier and healthier for putting it behind us)--I agree with ontheedgeman about the co-dependancy thing.  Even if you BOTH FEEL it is bringing you closer and deepening your relationship, it's not a healthy basis for a relationship.  Rather, this is something to heal from, get past, and move onward in recovery.

Good luck,

Elyah

(btw, you can call me "Elyah")

I was not trying to fix my wife at that time,I saw someone in intense pain and was trying to empathize with her why is that co-dependant.I think it would be pretty sick of me not to try to understand her.I did not call her 18 times a day it was 4 and it was not a solution just a way of  showing her I thinking of her feelings.Please explain to me what i am not understanding in your analysis.Where will this lead me?

Dear Showoff,

By co-dependent, I wasn't referring to you.  I was referring to your wife... 

To majorly oversimplify--I mean it sounds like she's thriving on negativity, on an unhealthy and even harmful dynamic.  And, if she needs to know everything you do and even everything you think in order to feel relief, that's also part of co-dependancy.  It's a NEED TO CONTROL, gone out of control.

Marriage is supposed to be a loving relationship; not psychotherapy.

A relationship can feel like it's thriving on negative emotions, although it is truly harmful.  (Just like a child who doesn't get enough positive attention will manage, instead, to thrive on negative attention.)

Question:  What does a co-dependant see just before they die?

Answer:  Someone else's life flashing before their eyes!

But, it is usually us, the addict, who drove our wives to be the way they are.  With our dishonesty and immaturity and escapism, our wives took up the role of whipping us into shape and pulling us back into reality as best as they can.  The more we sunk into our own heads and our own little ideas, the more our wives fought to pull us out of it (and the more we sunk into ourselves and the vicious cycle continues).

It's not up to us to fix our wives.  It's up to us to clean up our own act; to be open and honest and mature.  (Regarding LUST, be open and honest with a program buddy or a sponsor, NOT with your wife--certainly not regarding all the specifics).

When we are once again responsible and reliable, then our wives don't feel they have to control us and keep tabs on us any more.  And, this takes time.

And, if it's not happening, we need to take a closer look at ourselves--are we REALLY in recovery, or do we just think we are?  Are we REALLY taking directions, or are we making up our own treatment?

--Elyah

very clear