Im on the verge of tears as i write this and shaking from the experiance. I just lost a 17 day fight but i cant really say when I look back im happy in fact im upset in how this fight got lost. another reason im posting is im to scared to tell anybody about my problem so please help me out.
My most recent fight started 17 days ago and i was really into it following someones advice from gye i understood where my problem was coming from and in truth i have to say it started when i was about 8 years old. i enjoyed playing with my self and when ever i was upset and in need of some consoling it helped me out. i guess i can add here that i dont have a very good relationship with my parents and that only made things worse. I only realized something was really wrong when was about 14 and for about 5 years i tried everything i could to stop, i can probably write a book with all the ideas i had from fasting to daily reminders and the list goes on and on. all this time i never got "caught" or spoke to anyone about it and then over this summer after overhearing about gye i got signed up. i fell a couple times but i helped alot. And then came tonight, i figured out how to bypass k9 on my computer well actually delete it and when straight to looking at porn i then told my self that what ever happens i will not masturbate. well that didnt work to well and whithin a few minutes the fight was allover and now i just had to clean up. now 2 weeks before yom hadin i have fresh pictures in my mind and my whole fight seems lost i feel no pain in it happening again and im really scared of whats going to happen. This also one of the only times that i looked at porn just because previosly i looked to help mend my broken heart that was looking for some love and care. and yes after every time i hated my self for what i did but couldnt stop. and now after trying and failing AGAIN i am really am at lost if this is something i can conquer or just push off as much as i can but always fall at sometime maybe later then before but none the less fall.

No! You won a 16 day battle, and the war is not over yet! Even the winners lose a fight every now and then.

Every clean day is yours to keep, get back in the truck and make some more!

Gevura!

Welcome tzadik to the club. This is basically the story of lots of people here. We tried everything. The good news is that lots of people of gotten their lives together through gye. Just don't worry do much about falls and hang in there with this Chevra.
Hatzlacha

tryhard,

Hashem wanted you to fall! Yes, believe it or not, it was hashem's will!
Everything in the past was Hashem's decree. You can only control the present. Your Bechira is NOW.
So, focus on NOW. Right this moment. And then another moment. Don't spend too much time thinking "I fell today" or even "I've been going strong for 3 weeks".
Your LIFE is occurring in the NOW. Who you are now is not who you were yesterday. It's not who you will be tomorrow. You are who you are right now. So right now, choose which direction you want. You already said in your post that you are scared of the Yomim Noraim. So you are choosing the path of good. Excellent. Continue on that path, take one moment at a time, call out to Hashem when you feel it's too much. He'll help you. Just forget the past. DO NOT THINK ABOUT YOUR FALL. After all, what's the difference between this last fall and the one before it? It's just that this one is fresher in your memory. So tell your mind to shut up. You don't care about the past because that has nothing to do with your life which is NOW.

I love you like a brother,

Levi/KH

Yea i guess you guys are right take one day at a time and only look forward. and yes it is true i did win 16 days but it still hard to get over and every hour now is a fight and my mind is in one place and my body in another

That's right, friend, the score is 17:1 and you are in the lead!
Take it one day at a time, you'll do very well, I'm sure. This website is G-d-sent!

"...because you didn't serve H" with Simcha"...

and what, you think H" gave us this commandment, thinking we'd be perfect angels?!  Of course not.  The commandment to serve H" with simcha is designed for people like you and me, who fall terribly low, but who pick themselves right back up, wipe of the dust, and serve H" with simcha.  "A Jew who can't turn to H" to pray after committing the worst sin in the world has not even arrived at the entrance of Jewishness" - R. Moshe of Kobrin

Remember to focus only on NOW.

thanks for the support i got k9 back up and i dont have the password:)

shkoyach!

thanks, onthedgeman
someone who doesnt believe that the tshuveh actually erases the sin, is an apikores
what is tshuveh, a little mind switch, to stop that sin, thats all
of course there is much more to do, but the core is done!!!
we should be happy for that, and ask hashem forgiveness for the past history
and help to do a proper tshuveh
and most important, help to never return to that sin again

tryhard wrote on 15 Sep 2011 22:08:


YEAH! I'm doing some whooping in my mind for you right now! AWESOME! Just continue like this, don't look back, "ask Hashem for mercy, he'll throw you a rope" (matisyahu).

Love and Shabbos,

KH

IF you found a way to delete k9 you should really email them and tell them about it. IF you found a way chances are someone else can as well. It is better to plug a hole.

best!

ninety

thanks guys for the support i will try to email them
have a great shabbos:)

tryhard wrote on 16 Sep 2011 19:00:


Try hard i feel for you very deeply. You sound like myself 10 years ago, only I didn't have a GYE to help me. You are doing great, and as Gevurashebeyesod said: only focus on the NOW. The fact that you failed yesterday has no implication on who you are today unless you allow it to.