does she know about your hidden past?

My wife doesent officially know. I am sure that she suspects somthing.

why should she suspect?
maybe its just your consciousnesss?

That is possible. I have always "heard " comments that to me sounded like mistrust. Anyway, when someone is hiding somthing it is usually obvious to those close to them.

its obvious and normal that she sences a feel of distrust, while you are addicted, as you find in p*** more then she can possibly give you
but that distrust sencing does not link you to p***
moreover, now that you arent addicted anymore, i am sure she feels she got her husband back

I was married 12 years until my wife found out.  She never saw it coming.  It was so damaging because she felt if I could hide this for 12 years, what else am I hiding?  Anyway, B"H our relationship has grown a lot since then, but it is still painful for both of us.  She, at times, is nervous that she doesn't know who I "really" am.  I am in pain, among other things, for being distrusted.  I guess it's like when they had to make the kohen gadol swear that he would do the avodah correctly.  The chachomim and the kohen cried.

Same here. I hid my problems from my wife for almost 15 years. When I told her it hit her out of the blue. I was totally surprised that she never had a clue. I had to reassure her that I had not done anything worse than what I told her (never done anything with anyone else) and it did take a while to regain her complete trust. Yes it felt bad to be distrusted, but I knew I deserved it.

But our relationship is much stronger now, and we don't hold anything back. I share all my ups and downs with her, and although sometimes it makes her uncomfortable to hear about it she bears with me and is incredibly supportive. I thank Hashem for her every day.

Gevura!

yes, once the floodgates were open, my wife suspected me of all sorts of things that I never did.  Trust does take time to build again.  It goes through ups and downs.  Hopefully always trending upwards.

Chaim,
Besides trying to hate the stuff, what are you doing to recover?
Because otherwise, you're just using raw willpower, and trying to define why.
We're about recovery here.

I need a motivation to work a program. Lots of you here suffered because of there acting out. I never suffered never lost a job because of it. The hard core SA people would tell me to go act out some more until life is to hard to beer. However Roy k. Days many times that our death is spiritual. I have begun to feel this more and more. I want more for myself than the porn lifestyle. I need to reach towards the light. This is the ongoing victory over lust. I have heard from one of the SA greats that what keeps him coming back is the shining faces of people in recovery. On gye I feel the shine radiating from some people here. They are full of optimism and hope. This is what I need to reach to.
I have the program I need to want to grab it and realize that living with lust isn't living at all.

I hate porn because it is a automatic isolater. When i am p*rning I am in my own world. I don't think people have m*station parties and do it in a group. It is called s*x with self for a reason. You are one hundred percent cut of from the whole world.
Acording to Patrick Carnes, a addict always has a ritual how he acts out. The reason is that is a very well practiced way and he can zone out from the whole world and be totally involved in the acting out. I have found that even calling  regular friends or relatives can break this TRANCE. WE WANT TO BE ZONED OUT AND IN A TRANCE.

is there any other activitys that you enjoy?
like swimming, hiking, biking, playing chess, melaveh malkes in shul, shmussing with freinds, etc...?

Shmeichel wrote on 15 Sep 2011 15:04:

you forgot posting on GYE

That is exactly what I have learned since joining gye. I can sit with my wife and not be on shpilkis. I can even just sit around with my kids enjoying them. This has been one of my biggest areas of growth. Motzie shabbos used to be crazy. I wanted needed something that i couldn't find. Now I just enjoy my family? Recently I have even found normal ways to tune out the world when i feel that need.

wow1
so you are re'living your "shono reshoneh"
enjoy life, go to a honey moonste