Gluck

I am very ( im not sure how i feel) afraid i spoke to my mother over shabbos the basic conversation was that i dont like when she compliments me i do like it mitzad echad but mitzad acher it makes me feel very pressured like she says " wow your so special everything about you ". I already told her everything about the p**n and other things but she said she still thinks im special. BUT I THINK IM A LOWLIFE all the time with bad thoughts that revolt me and desires that disgust me i think im bad very bad

You are NOT a lowlife!!

You may have bad thoughts, and want disgusting things (don't we all....). But that's not who you ARE. You are a special holy neshama, battling mightily against a torrent of Tumah that immerses our entire world. As long as you keep fighting, you are more special than even your mother thinks! 

Hang in there, keep strong and Keep Trucking!!!

Gevura!

emunah18 wrote on 22 Jan 2012 02:35:


I would love to meet you for lunch on the city anywhere you like and have a face to face talk about all the facts of what you do that make you feel so sick of yourself. Then I'd like to describe to you all the facts about what I do in my addiction and my entire track record.

After we compare notes a bit, see where we are incredibly the same and where we are a bit different, I would like to explain to you real simply how it is that you are not a bad person and exactly what that means; how exactly G-d must love you, and exactly what that means; and how you and I are both prone to filtering everything in our lives through a broken emotional filter.

It should take about two hours and would help my sobriety immensely.

Then just maybe you'd be able to move on to the 1st step, or whatever you choose to do after that, be"H. 

I fell again this past monday Ill start again but Hashem should help me more this time

Oh, Hashem should...
Did you ask Him?

I have tefilla i wrote down that i say religously every night b4 i go to sleep im Bh 18 days clean im relying on Hashem very much now with the help of Him too i didnt have time to post here a long time and im doing very well inside too i have a very good partner thank G-D and i and all of us should have many more clean days amen  have a great Shabbos

Hello Mr. Emunah18.
I just saw your thread, I really connected to how you started that your jealous of people who get all the replies. I saw once on another thread here that this forum is like the book "Mike Mulligan and the Steam Shovel", the more effort (= posts) you contribute, the more you get back. But you said that a while ago, now your on page 3 and got promoted, I haven't (yet) accomplished either.
Enjoy life, it can be really good.

Yeh but now with the help of Hashem I feel part of the shtieging family of gye

              Hatzlacha good Shabbos

Hello Emuna,

Good luck with recovery.

I am just catching up with your thread now.

I also came from a messed up home.  My parents are still married but, frankly, they'd be better off divorced. 

If you're anything like me, part of the stress you might be feeling is that, somehow, in some way, if you had done something different, you could have helped improve things between your parents.

Does that sound familiar?

One of the biggest things I ever did for my own sanity was to accept that there's nothing I could ever do to change anyone else, and their lives are a result of their own free choice.  I was living with my parents messed up marriage on my head, and with the guilt of intermarried siblings, and other relatives that got stuck somewhere becoming so religious.  It was all my fault!  If only I knew what to say to them!  If only I was a better example!

In the end, it had very little to do with me.  I'm REALLY not THAT important in their lives.  I'm lucky to change myself, let alone anyone else.

With that I could unload lots of guilt, and move on much happier (and much lighter) in life.

Just a thought, hope it helps,

--Elyah

PS:  The way to get lots of responses is to POST a lot.  Also, be specific--what, specifically, happened.  What, specifically, are you struggling with.  And, it's not only about p*rn and m*sturbation.  It's about how we deal with all of life.

I actually never felt it was my fault although i did think i could change it and your right once i let G-d do the job for me my burden lifted.
            and your right about the posts too I realized that , when i started posting alot more
thanx for everything

Hey Emuna, How's it going?

Hi Emuna!

Hi everybody sorry i didnt post so long (im actually sorry for myself i miss the openness) Its bein hazemanim and im surprised at how things are going i was worried that i would fall badly, For sure fall plain and so far Hashem been saving me from everything I AM 49 DAYS CLEAN Boruch Hashem i still watch movies i try to limit it to movies that are clean (very hard to find).We have netflix at home set to a Healthy enough standard,but u know it doesnt take much to turn us back i start movies till i see there is a beautiful actress and i sometimes ditch it,sometimes not.

                      I have an excellent partner B"H who calls me and works with me< I was working hard to get one so im happy i found one.I actually met him for the first time yesterday,and i met him today again in the street.

              I have a Q thats been bothering me I asked my partner too.Im clean this long B"H I do feel a difference in my life but there should be more i still feel as if im missing something not huge but something nonetheless My partner said to have patience "recovery is a slow process" that is hard for me to accept ill try to if you all tell me its true but is that what it is? Just keep doing what your doing and youll progress slowly but surely?
                    thanx P.S. i have alot more to post and i dont know when ill be on next but one thing at a time Shalom

I now have over 9 months clean.  Besides that I had 2 previous clean streaks each for 7 months.  I am only staying clean for so long because of the tools of recovery I have learned since joining GYE; I am dealing with life in a much healthier way.  (I used to fall several times a week).

In light of all this, my sponsor reminds me, "You're still in early recovery."  I'm in a much better place than I ever used to be, but I definitly feel I've got a long way to go.

--Elyah