Hello everyone,

I am a single bochur who has been struggling with using the internet inappropriately. I wouldn't call myself an addict per se, but I am a man and have stumbled with this terrible sin.

Would any married folk be able to tell me if these terrible teives EVER get any easier after marriage? Obviously they never go away, and I must always be careful. I am fully aware that these actions can destroy a marriage.

I just want to know, does it help at all, being married,as an outlet, of sorts? I really hope so...I just don't think I can handle these urges for the rest of my life alone.

I appreciate your chizuk and time, may we all continue to be true avdei Hashem!

P.S. I have searched for threads, but did not seem to find one addressing this issue specifically.

I am also single.  A few times throughout this site, a certain Chazal is quoted, saying, "Man has a small organ (the reproductive organ).  If he feeds it, it will become hungry.  If he starves it, it will become satiated."  This means that, when married, it is actually HARDER to control lust issues.  When we are single, we may "starve" ourselves of sexuality completely, but when we b'ezras Hashem get married and are expected to have relations with our wives, we will be "feeding" our bris-organ which will make us hungrier for lust.

I wouldn't say that my own problem is an addiction (yet?) either, but I am very afraid of it turning into one.  Having an addiction to xyz means that xyz does not provide any enjoyment, but is just acted upon out of lust.  I don't mean to sound too crass, but when I look at porn, I get a good deal of enjoyment from it, which means (at present) I'm not an addict.  I'm thankful for the progress I've had in the past few days, but aside from that I know that if I let my problem continue and I become an addict and therefore do not "enjoy" sexuality, it will mean that my relations with my wife will not be what they're supposed to be and will just be a "fulfillment" of my lust c"v.  And I am told that an addict is an addict for the rest of his life.

Argyle, I have been married for 6 years and have struggled with internet temptation from the very beginning of the World Wide Web. Being married does not take the struggle away, but for me it has made things easier in one respect... I now have a friend who I can talk to: my wife.

I made a point of revealing my struggle to her when we had reached a point in our dating where I was reasonably certain I would like to marry her. She took it well, and took the opportunity to reveal a few things about herself since we were being all honest. In hindsight, she couldn't and still doesn't really understand what it's like, and I imagine that most woman don't get it. For my part, I also didn't get at the time how significant and painful the secret she revealed to me was either, and possibly I still don't.

I think that having an outlet for one's taivas does help, but it's very important to know that the intimacy of marriage is not about getting relief from an urge, but rather a joint physical expression of feelings of love and devotion to your spouse. To the extent that you are just relieving your sexual pressure you are using her in a very demeaning way, even with her consent. The Shulchan Aruch is quite clear on this point. This is the hard work of marriage for me.

argyle wrote on 24 Aug 2011 23:00:


Hi, WELCOME,

You might want to see the FAQ page
www.guardureyes.com/GUE/FAQ/FAQ.asp
and specifically this post
www.guardureyes.com/GUE/RTwerski/Can'tStop.asp

It gets easier in a way because you have an outlet, but "lusting" after your wife is also not healthy.  In short,  you need to control your lust addiction, and getting married will not make it go away.

shomerbris wrote on 25 Aug 2011 07:14:

I'm not sure where you learned this.  Every addict I know gets great pleasure from it.  Why else do they do it?  They also suffer great pain from it and do it anyway.  That's what makes them an addict.

Gibbor:

I have been struggling for many years and still struggled when I first got married, 7 years ago.  Unfortunately, I do not feel like I struggled any less as a result of being married.  I still wanted to look at pics and do bad things.  In fact, when a wife feels like she is only wanted for this issue, which she is very smart and will know, then she feels degraded and like a piece of meat, as was earlier mentioned here.  Plus, during the weeks of seperation from one's wife, what then.  If one is hooked on porn etc, that does not disappear with marriage, by no means.  Additionally, you will have wild imaginations even when with your wife.

Sorry for the bleak truth.

HOWEVER, I was lucky enough to be clean for a few years during marriage.  During that time, being married was very helpful for this issue.  Often I knew that if I could just hang in there for another few days or hours without falling, my wife would be there for me.  Plus, shalom bayit became immeasurably more amazing when I was clean. Why?  Because I was not always pressuring my wife to fulfill my manly needs. Being able to take "no" as a response from her is much much easier when not enslaved to lust.

I guess that for a healthy stable man who is not addicted, marriage is awesome and helpful.  But if we are constantly waiting for an opportunity to give in, then that won't change by getting married.

All this is simply based on my own experiance and I am not speaking for anyone else.

NOW:  Just keep on struggling and staying on GUE and with e/o here help and help of Hashem, by the time you get married soon, this will all be behind you

With admiration,

Chasdei

Chasdei Avos wrote on 25 Aug 2011 16:59:


You are preaching to the choir my friend.  I'm not sure if you meant to direct those comments at me, but I agree with you.  I have been there.

sorry I meant ARGYLE: ... ;D  :-\

I could be confused for worse ppl.   there was the lady that looked like the one who killed her kids (can't remember the name). She couldn't leave her house.

:D :

Chasdei Avos wrote on 25 Aug 2011 16:59:

well said!

Thank you. Thank you all so much!

All very well said. Obviously marriage doesn't take away certain urges.

I imagine, when g-d willing I find my bashert, that her emotional support, and my desire to give to her, will be powerful tools at my disposal.

I thank you all again for the chizuk and information.

good question great chizuk keep them coming