I can relate to your stage of 'progress'. I had been doing really well for several months, until a week ago. Really fell hard, like 2 hours of shmutz. Since then, I have struggled with general motivation and concentration, and really feeling the guilt/pain.

It's clich?, but this apprehension and uncertainties about what will be - is all part of the great test. we have shown such strength and character that now that we are a little 'down' or shaken up, it the mind test; how strong are we really? how badly do we want to give it up and be clean? are we willing to 'sacrifice' our selfish pleasure for Hashem (or any other pure motive)?

Today, I had serious challenges with shamirat eneyim, but I didn't act on what I saw b/c I want to be God fearing. but that doesn't stop me from having additional challenges, like when I'm at home with a laptop, etc.

My point is to write down or recall all of the positive experiences, motives, values, successes that you have had over the past days/months. Rebuild your inner world (just like I am doing) and let's both feel like we have become stronger and taken positive steps forward towards our futures.

Hatzlacha. Be strong and determined.

awesome words thank you.

I often thanked hashem perfusely for the gift of freedom from that taava.  there was no better feeling in the world than not being a slave to the most disgusting garbage on earth.  I guess it became the norm so that I lost the fire that kept me strong. I came so far with hashem's help, that I did not even feel like I had a yetzer Horraa for shmutz any more.  I felt like I accomplished the sur mairah so that I could move forward with the Assei Toiv.  I wish I can get back there and i know I can do it, but now its scary. I fear going home tonight to an empty house and waking up in an empty house etc etc.

As I have mentioned here, we know that true teshuva is being faced with the exact same difficult challenge and overcoming it.  I thankfully accomplished that when I slept over by a family member's house, where there are many cable channels at my finger tips.  Yet I was so clean that I did not even turn on the TV whatsoever.  At least I did accomplish that and greatness in many ways.  Now I dream of once again... but it seems like a dream, in light of my fall.

Dear brother Chasdei Avos,
we can all learn from your expereince and not one thing but two, so thank you very much for sharing.
I learned:
1. Never, even after 2 years (and I've only done three weeks) let your guard down.
2. Always, even after 2 years (and I've only done three weeks) take it one day at a time.
So thank Hashem for today, and move on.
I hope you found the phone partner to help you. If you would like to join a group for the purpose of inter-accountability, we have one here http://www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4306.0
We'll be happy to welome you and your experience.

Actually, I think I was confused and its really three years that I have been clean, until now that is.  I guess I should be proud of three years, but its obviously hard when I am in this rut.  But you couldnt be more on target.  We need to always always keep our guards high up.

Hatzlacha Rabba

its actually quite embarressing for me to write about my falls, particularly since I have been clean for long time.  But its the only way is to be true and speak it out.  I freakin fell so bad, that I used my pathetic cell phone, not even a smart phone. Its almost like I am possessed. How do I deal with this? How do I deal with walking into my house tonight with bno one around.  HASHEM PLEASE I AM begging for a miracle.
Please give me more chizuk. I cannot get enough of your words of chizuk right now. My heart is crying and bleeding

let me give chzzuk


numero uno

u are a great guy

numero dos

u are a tzaddik

numero tres

u have a little weaknes to something called lust

numero arba

many people have that weakness,same ice cream many differrent flavors

numero finiv

you can live a perfectly happy normal healthy positive life

how you ask? by ignoring triggers,by avoiding triggerrs,by not being needy

numero six

why do you feel lousy? it's the Y"Hs poison so that you come back to him for more candy

numero zibben

do i need to do teshuvah?

yes and no

yes evntually ,no if it will hinder you from trucking along


numero ocho

what should i do now?
chill out

buy food

smile

enjoy life

numero nayn

what should i do to prevent a fall??

get a filter!!! if you dont you are fooooooooling no one but yourself

number ten

there is no number 10

just keep on trucking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chasdei, you were zocheh to a housecall by the Humble happy Rebbe aka Bards, for that alone you should do a little jig

and regarding tonite:
make a plan, like
6-6:30 chow down,
6:30-7 cleanup, read mail, polish shoes, steam hat,
7-8 walk, read, call Mom/Pop/Cousin Larry or the Wife,
8-9:30 torah: shiur, daf, parsha, michtav me'eliyahu,
9:30-10 mariv,
10-11 read GYE handbook, Windows of the Soul and your favorite Kosher Bedtime Stories
good night

if you work your self into a tizzy about falling it increases the chances of just that, like rebbe bards said. go easy, the last thing the Yetzer Hara wants is for you to be level-headed

Do you see, Chasdei, how much good energy you generated with your fally?
The Bard is brilliant, and Zemmy is plain genius, and we all benefit from this discussion.
Keep it up, brother, one step at a time!

Thank you Bardichev you brought a smile to my face. Thanks guys I know I am usually positive minded and its the Yetzer horah.  I will do my best and bezras Hashem I will be able to happily report to you tomorrow. Zemiros, sounds like an awesome seder halayla.  At least I am not off work until 730 and then daven and learn until 10. I will hopefully stay out late and not touch computer bezras Hashem

Thanks a million

always remember

there aint no nooombah teyyyn!!!!

wow this thread really gave me chizzuk, i know its hard that you fell but you taught us a huge lesson, we can't just take that peek through a magazine which looks clean, that can cause a fall even after 2 freggn years clean!?!   

Get out of it change the mood some how, take a jog ride a bike rent a row boat, you gotta change the pace some how regroup and say "ok now i begin the first day of the rest of my life"

Thank Hashem that after all the chizuk I received here yesterday, I had a great night and morning away from shmutz.  I guess this is day 1 clean for me and the count starts now bezras Hashem. Lets hope.

HelpFYI:  That seems to be a yisod foundation of freedopm from addiction.  They say that "once and addict always an addict" and therefore we must ALWAYS ALWAYS keep our guard up and as far removed as possible from the junk.
If I said something incorrect about addiction, please forgive me or correct me, as I never personally attending meetings.
Hatzlacha

number 10

10-4

I appreciate that, but I am clueless about "10"  Please throw me a hint or a link to figure it out.
Chasdei