Hi tzadikel just read through second half of your posts amazing  amazing work. Wanting to stop even though you were heavily sedated by your yetzer harah just shows how great you are.I dont remember such an experience of myself allways when I was in the thros of lusting I was unstoppable.You got a bright future.

r yoseleh, vie bised du? eifo ata? vere are u?

how r u?

v bist du  hm??

in bardstown going to daven mincha. I think ve need you for de minyan

hi All,

i was a bit busy with a few personal matters the past 2 weeks so i didn't get to post anything, so i will update you guys a bit, for those who wanna know.

i am happy to tell you that last night when i went to sleep i was up to 14 CLEAN DAYS!!! BH, i am so happy that i was able to do it, it wasnt easy, it still isn't, but i hope to work further and accomplish something great with all of your help.

(a 'wanna be' ) Tzadikel.

WTG!!!!!

Say it with me: YES WE CAN!!!!!!!!

Gevura!

R ' yossele,

great to hear!

not easy? we will be paid for our work.

never let your guard down.

keep us updated.

make it a beautiful day 15

--hm

Fantastico amigo!! Alei v'hatzlach!

gevaldig!
thanks for sharing the goodies
much continued hatzlocha

thanks All.

i will not deny it, i had help to do that, but the feeling that i have of being 'clean' is such an amazing feeling, i m so scared that it could go back to square one in any moment that i let my guard down and i will find myself back where i was a few weeks ago, which btw, i totally feel like i am not this person that i am now, i feel like i am fooling myself and others, its like a game show for me, donno why, it doesnt feel like the 'real' me. i guess i was doing all these things for so many years that it became a part of me, it became me, when these feelings come up i wonder myself, 'who is the REAL me' ? WHO AM I ? what do i REALLY wanna do ? who am i trying to impress anyway ?

sounds more like an identity issue rather then fighting addiction, but thats how i feel, please if anyone can help me with personal experience i'd really appreciate it.

wanna be - Tzadikel.

You're on your way to creating a new "real you"!

Hatzlacha!

That's your neshama peeking out after years of being buried and unable to breathe.  Discovering your real potential will be a process.

On a simpler level, yes, this addiction takes over our personalities in many ways.  It desensitizes us to life's true pleasure, to the real value of a person.

Keep taking it one day at a time.  Never let your guard down.  The Y"H has plenty of tricks left, and you can prevail.  Keep asking Hashem for help.

If you're not doing it yet, see if you can schedule in some time to learn every day.  Fill the void and feed your neshama.

Tzadikel Yossele wrote on 08 Sep 2011 17:37:


I so understand you. When I started recovery on my own, and then I found GYE and just lurked for a while, it was the most emotionally intense period of my life. Then I finally posted my story, and got some responses, and I felt like a huge weight had been taken off me. It's like when you have a stomach-ache, and you puke your guts out, and it feels so much better afterwards. For a few days afterwards I literally felt empty, like i was completely hollowed out. I felt so NORMAL, and I missed the emotional and physical intensity of the early days of withdrawal, when every moment was pain and struggle. But like you I came to realize that I can't afford to become complacent about it, and I need to strike a balance of keeping the struggle alive without letting it overwhelm me. Taking an interest in and feeling the pain of others who are also struggling is one thing that helps me stay focused.

I hope this helps you.

KVT & KOT!!!
Gevura!

It can be a totally new feeling, and there's a part of us that wonders how long we can keep doing this. And the answer? Today.

hi GUE!!

i am trying to get to know the 'new me' as you guys called it, it is a bit weird to discover new personalities or characteristics within yourself after think for quite a while that you had yourself figured out already, and a lot of times i doubt myself if this guy who looks at porn, hooks up with girls is not the real me, so i try to prove to myself a day at a time that 'yes i can' , yes, i am in control of myself and on my body and i would only do stuff that i really wanna do but not out of lust but out of love.

well, i am now in my 22 consecutive day that i am clean of mtz''l and porn, certain days its easy but some days i feel like its the end of me, as if im not gonna do it i will not be able to get through the day.

i do have another problem at hand, an old female friend that i haven't talked in over a year and a half emailed me a few days ago, we were never physical or anything, just good friends ( i had alot of those), well after 2 days i broke and i replied to the email, i know that its a email and nothing more, more the rush in my body, the fix that i felt was the same i used to get back in the day when i would start a casual encounter with someone, i felt like 'me' again, so of course i told myself TZADIKEL, this is the REAL you, drop everything and just go enjoy  yourself, thats who you are and that is what you know best, you are comfortable doing, the heck with this whole Guard Your Eyes thing...

i have to tell you guys that a few hours later i felt so depressed, here i am doing 22 clean days, i stopped watching p**n, hell i have stopped watching everything all together, i believe me i used to watch almost every show available , and with all that i can not stop myself from replying to an email from a girl i haven spoken to in 18 months ? whats wrong with me?

never the less, i need support and a help to get through this.

thanks GUE for letting me write my insecurities on such an anonymous forum.

a 'wanna be' Tzadikel