I feel trapped sometimes I cant listen to the radio. I can only on this website, I get no news from anything, I cant check m e-mail or anything. My wife wont even change infront of me. She wants to know when and where and why I smoke? I went from total independence to toally trapped all because of this stupid porn thing I did. She doesn't believe me that I am sorry for what I did. And I am truelly sorry for what I did. It has been a week since she found out. One long week everytime we see each other she is like how could you do this to me and to us. And I say I am sorry all the time, and I dont know what else to do? Struggling and trapped here.

You mentioned in a different post that you are seeing a therapist.  Is your wife going with you?  She feels betrayed, and you can't fix that overnight.  You will have to communicate and you may need the help of a third party to do that, a rav or therapist.  I know that when my wife found out, it was excruciating, but ultimately our marriage is stronger now.  People here have gone through what you are going through now, and have come out stronger.  Hang in there!

She isn't going with me yet to the therapist, but we may soon both go together.

It's very difficult to loose the trust of a spouse.  It's easier to lose than it is to gain it back.  It's hard work, but I know you can do it!

Tzodik, give it some time, don't take the pressure to hard, its just another way of the YH to push you back where you you were. Stay strong and fight the YH. It will take sometimes for your wife to absurb it. It would be a good idea if she can join the spouse group on the forum and phone calls, but, don't push her, just give her the options. Also, print out the handbook and tell her that she could read it if she wants.

check this out as well
www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=1795

you have to encourage her to go to the therapist at all costs, dont tell her that you feel sorry, becasue her feeling betrayed is just one of the side effects of the problem, instead, tell her that its nothing to do with your marriage love life, its pure your yetzer hara carried you away, and you are working nonstop with your therapist to change the root of the problem, and he the therapist insists that she has to come over to him in order that "you" should be helped, (of course ask your therapist before you tell her anything. this is just my view)

I have never gone through the extreme situation you are describing, but I have gone through situations with enough common elements that I would like to add my thoughts here.

A week is not a long time in the context of your whole life. No one can downplay the difficulty of your current situation, rememeber the feeling the rest of your life (and everyone else out there take note as well).

It will be hard to take on the issues with your wife straight on (not without someone her or perhaps someone else's initiative)

in the meantime:
Live the [honorable, upstanding and trustworthy] life you truly aspire to

Recognize (find) the pleasure and value in what you can do (davening, learning, spending time with family)

Focus on how you can make your wife happy for her sake (not so that you can get back in bed with her). The purpose of getting married is to give to your family and the world...

Obviously, keep working with your therapist, this website and whatever else it takes to deal with the problem


Eventually you may come to appreciate this time as one that brought you to happiness and closeness more than you ever imagined before the week began.

Hatzlacha Rabba,

Listen habibi, dw. I know this is a cheesy and unfortunate situation your in, but dont internalize your feelings. And know that this is a temporary fix our in that is just part of the game. Eventually, ull see much bracha in your undertakings because you are going through Mesirus Nefesh like this in order to climb out. And thats why you'll be very sucsessfull. We're all here for you and dont feel too bad brother. If you message me, ill give you some tips I use to not feel trapped. Keep strong!

Yechida's letter linked above by ZemirosShabbos is an excellent resource.

You are suffering greatly.  We call this hitting bottom.  But there's no place to go but up!  Things will get better for you and your wife.

Got any money stashed under the mattress?  A piece of jewelry?  Flowers at work?  Godiva?  All of the above?

Love you!
Alex

Dear ilovemywife,

You wrote:
ilovemywife wrote on 04 Aug 2011 17:26:


Our marriage has been where you describe yours is right now. I have stood in those bitter shoes, too. You definitely have this man's sympathies, and so does your wife. She is undoubtedly doing the best she can. And I have this to share with you, chaver:

Our wives are not stupid. We may have treated them as though they were, or took care to only feed them the information we deemed 'important for them to know' about us and what we were doing....but they really are smart and intuitive, and they love us a great deal. More than we know.

She may be overreacting in some way - but trust me: she does not know any better, and if she was preoccupied with naked pictures of or fantasizing about having sex with some other man instead of you, you would most likely be going out of your mind. Though it is so hard for us to put ourselves in their place...back then, I'd probably have never admitted that. I digress.

I am disturbed by something you wrote. You characterize what you did as an act and imply that it happened (perhaps once or only a couple of times). Is actually it true? Did you only look at porn that one time? Or was it a habit of yours. These are completely different animals.

If you only used porn once or a couple of times, or even masturbated once or a couple of times, then all the talk of you 'giving in to the YH' may have meaning to your wife - because it may be the truth. And she is no idiot.

But if you have been using porn for some time, perhaps masturbating using the images and fantasy from it and elsewhere for some time....then you would be outright lying to your wife yet again by pretending that "it was just a mistake and you regret it now". That is not nearly enough - because it is not scratching the surface of the truth. And she knows it.

I do not assume either way is the truth. I am merely asking you and proposing my opinion on the implications of each possibility.

You are the one posting here, and you ask for help. If all you want is for us to try to make you feel better, just pleasantly ignore my post. But if you really want help, then feel free to clarify that, OK?

I know when my wife found out i was afraid she would leave me. BH she stayed its been about a year now since i told her she was devestated i thought i would never see the light of day again. the light now is stronger than ever. give her some time let her see that your working on it and with HASHEM's help you come aound together.