Last week, I was going on one week and I had to leave Yeshiva for the first time since my most recent clean streak in almost a year.  I was up to 7 days.  The second I walked in the door, I felt the Yetzer Hara give me a hug and welcome me back.  I realized it got me because I started breathing heavily.  Whenever I am in tune with my neshama and the yetzer hara grabs me, I have realized over the years, that I started breathing weirdly.  I did some quick meditations over the course of the long night that I was home for, had some serious moments of weighing the options (you realize just how stupid it is).  The biggest factor that helped me get by is the fact that I was going to have to come back to the forum the next day and post that I fell and I did not want to do that.

My problem is like this: we are all clearly on a holy quest. Is it a good thing that the only thing that held me back was the embarrasment of having to post something on a computer forum? Shouldnt I be more worried about having to testify in front of the Beis Din Shel Ma'ala? I feel very proud of myself that I am at ten days and havent felt this connected to Hashem in awhile but I feel kind of weird that the only thing holding me back is a "wall post". 

THoughts...

well here are people that although we dont know you identify and empathize with the intense battle going on inside.So by coming here it you are supported in seeing yourself for who you really are and not get lost in the pull of the yetzer harah.therefore I dont think its just the embarassment from us its what you really really want to do.The forum is where you can see YOURSELF in that light.It is amazing work what you are doing It gives me such chizuk to hear you battling beat the rascal down and have me in mind while doing it.He knows me very well that piece of garbage.hatzlochah

puredove wrote on 31 Jul 2011 18:57:

ולואי שיהיה מורא שמים עליכם כמורא בשר ודם ITS A GEMORO

You should not feel embarrassed that posting on the forum is a deterred for you. Ideally one would not have falls out of fear of Heaven, but bottom line is that you did not have a fall. Right now you might be avoiding issur for “wrong” reason, but ultimately you would do it for the right reason.   

struggler wrote on 31 Jul 2011 23:09:

לעולם ילמד אדם תורה שלא לשמה שמתוך שלא לשמה בא לשמה is the exact same concept.

I saw a vort from Reb avgidor Miller Z"L chazal tell us כל המתפתה מיינו יש בו מדעת קונו which means that if one is angry at another fellow and he drinks wine and gets jolly and through the happiness he is able to forgive it is a praise worthy thing. So Reb Avigdor explains that many times we have nisyoinos that we cannot overcome ourselves so Hashem sends help, in the gemoro's case it was the wine that helped a man to forgive but he could have said I want to work on myself to be able to forgive from within לשם שמים i don't want to rely on outside help ie the wine!  this atitude is wrong! the wine was Hashems way of helping him and he must accept it humbly and say thank you. In our case we are facing nisyoinos and Hashem is sending us help through GYE forum or 12 step program whatever it may be lets accept the help and say thank you instead of pushing it aside and waiting till we manage without help!

taharah wrote on 01 Aug 2011 16:39:


Thank you so much "tahara".  That was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. 

A few months ago I was planning on starting to date but I didnt not want to date with a guilty conscious.  I was on a clean streak for about a month and a half, went out with a girl for a month, broke up with her and then that clean streak ended really quickly after that. THAT NIGHT. I realized that keeping clean then had nothing to do with Hashem or Avodat Hashem.  It is like the mishne in Pirkei Avot that says first you have to have emuna and then you can start making up your own reasons as to why you believe in Hashem.  I was keeping clean for a reason but not for the general purpose of being good to myself and serving Hashem.

I guess that the fear I have of posting if I fall is coming from a place of fear of how I would think of myself, which in the big picture is really what we are looking for I think. 

THANKS SO MUCH

taharah wrote on 01 Aug 2011 16:39:


Definitely calls for a round of Woodford.....

who said wooodford????
im in!!!!!

And now it is time for someone to explain to me the whole Woodford thing...ITS EVERYWHERE. And, in Israel, the best I can do is some Arak. will that suffice?

hey puredove drink some arak after a few shots then start thinking its woodford and it will taste like woodford.

mechazek wrote on 02 Aug 2011 06:42:


It doesnt make a difference how much Arak you drink, it will taste like Arak.  And certainly not like Woodfor, if anything at all!

Woodford is sort of like Moshiach
those who know when he's coming don't say, those who say don't know
those who drink Woodford don't ask why, those who ask why don't drink it

did that help?

Do not get carried away with drinking, it is also addictive. But they have support forums for that staff also…