As some of you might be aware of, i've been making a serious commitment to shmiras aynayim.  I've been very proud of myself, so to speak, because i've been sober for like almost a month already.  Today, there was no air conditioning in shul.  I silently asked Hashem to help remedy that, and the services ended much earlier than usual.  After getting home from shul, I sit and read for a little while and then decidd to take a nap before my scheduled chavrusah at 5 PM.  The whole day went perfect --- one of the best days in my life that i can remember actually ---- except for one thing that happened and stuck in the back of my mind all day.  As I mentioned before, I take caution even while sleeping to avoid thoughts that aren't too healthy.  While I was sleeping my mind sent me to a dream that seemed endless, but I was powerless to wake up (or did I really want to?)  I was dreaming that i was "lucky" for some reason and random beutiful women were climbing all over me solely for pleasing me.  It was just one disgusting fantasy after another with the imaginary sex.  Scary thing was, I felt the physical and emotional feelings that go along with such an act.  And it felt really good to me.  But you see, I've only experienced something close in an unfortunate incident when I was a teen that scarred me for life.  But that's another discussion altogether.  The thing I'm trying to get at is it gave me, how can I express it? a taste of what i can do.  Ienjoyed it very much and that's the thing that's still scaring me as I type.  The fantasy somehow got into my head, wouldn't stop, I felt everything and enjoyed it immensely!  that just shouldn't be!  I don't know what to think.  I feel dirty in some way, sullied, but nothing actually happened, did it?  Please give your opinion on my situation and tips to avoid it possibly happening again.  I have mixed feelings of feeling really good about it and feeling horrible that i might have initiated it myself.  Waiting to hear quickly!
Coby

The YH has a very hard time with you now, he is not someone who will giev up so quickly, so, he decided he will try to get you while asleep. This is siogn of how depressed he's now. Don't give in to him. Just, keep on trucking.

as shteighecher stated ...it's just the YH getting desperate!

Be happy - it proves you are winning.  ANd those 'very real' leftover memories will fade soon.  But even if they come back from time to time, it is just the ongoing battle.  YH can't win - the best he's got for you is coming into your dreams!!

Don't be hard on yourself for dreams; you honestly have no control over them.

Don't dwell on it, try to think of other things, get involved with life, and the dream will fade from your memory (might take a while, but it will fade.  If we never davened shmoneh-esrei, it would fade a lot faster).

--Eye.

I've heard that argument before, and have used it myself trying to help others in the forum and IRL.  Thank you for the re-enforcement of that belief and ongoing support.  Eye -- what do you mean it will fade quicker if we didnt daven shmoneh esrei?

..that was a joke.  But, unfortunatly, not really a joke.

Our most gripping stray thoughts tend to float into our heads while we're davening.

--Eye.

I have the same problem constantly. The YH knows that davening is one of the best ways of fighting back, so he makes sure to be ready with a distraction or two. If I stop having proper kavvanah even for a second, all kinds of bad thoughts stat creeping in....

I have the same thing with the dreams too. I dream of acts that I have fantasized about but never actually experienced. The sensations are so vivid and real that when i wake up i must continue...  I just had a dream like that in the past week, just after i slipped (not all the way) after being completely clean for about 6 weeks. It was probably the most intense dream I ever had like that. The YH was probably trying to say "you slipped up yesterday, here's a taste of what you've been missing". B'H I was able to put it out of my mind and go forward.

What really scares me is, how would I know what it really feels like if i have never done it? Did I have it done to me when I was too young to remember? As far as I know no such thing ever happened. It's really starting to bug me....
I'm gonna ask my therapist about that next time I see him.

Hang in there, we're in it to win it!

"37"

i've ended up slipping a couple times in the past few days.  and ive always ended up feeling extremely guilty about it.  a good quality about trying to avoid these falls so meticulously though, is ive gotten back in the habit of reading.  I used to be quite the reader --- and fast too!  I fell naturally back into that pattern after visiting the library after who knows how many years.  it reminded me -- no wonder i can't get a girl --- i'm too involved in loving my books and stories! but yes, i did slip today, but i have been slipping more on the "straight" path, glad that whole issue is over (I hope).  just thinking about it now, i think visiting the library was a siman.  Hashem knew i was going to be confronted, and was trying to provide me with alternative entertainment when I'm bored -- cause thats when it usually happened -- when i would lay awake at night or be so depressed that i had nothing to do --- i did it for something.  anything to take my mind off being bored.  I broke up with my girlfriend because i realized i was having a problem and didn't want it to affect her more than i feel it was already.  after that, THEN the lust started coming on strong.  that's when i collected huge amounts of porn and erotic literature.  I got my head clear somehow just a short while after that and reminded myself that i joined this forum a while ago and perhaps it was time to utilize it.  so maybe i should read when i get the urges, or constantly read so i dont or what...?  does anybody do something similar when they get this problem?  how do we permanently fix it?  i was going on, id guess 6 weeks maybe more, same time as one of you. ideas?  for all of us in this little conversation.  im sure it helps everyone.  i know that it does help me.  i dont remember to check here so often anymore, so is there anyway to set up an alert to come here when you log on?  i dont want to make it my homepage, for obvious reasons.  guard, if youre watching can an email system be worked out or something.  i need to be here to be reminded that i need to fix the issue.  i've been getting too lax, i feel.  any ideas anyone?

When you get those urges the best thing to do is to reach out and call someone.  Maybe you can get a collection of phone numbers of other people from this forum. 

Otherwise, reaching out to any other human being will do.  How 'bout that brother or sister or old friend you've been meaning to get back in touch with for the past 10 years but haven't managed to find the time to call yet.

Other than that, try to change your situation.  Go to a different room, listen to some music, go outside, relax with a glass of tea, etc.

In the long run, try to pay attention to your thoughts (especially resentments and fears).  When that huge wave of depression hits, it's hard to fight it, and hard to resist acting out afterwards.  But, when you catch it while it is yet a tiny seed in your mind, it is much easier to uproot it.  The more you practice this, the sooner you catch the mood changes, and the easier it gets to deflect them.

--Eye.