I need help on vacation, even when i go to any place that there are a lot of prizus just in  normal places and is very hard not to look and always fall and look. I don't go to these exotic places just to normal park or the like or any place where there are goyim i have a hard time. all year i stick to my places and can control but when i get out of the regular i feel like i have to check everyone out. Any ideas??

Take off your glasses if you have any or wear very dark sunglasses with translucent plastic glued onto the inside of the lenses. Call a chaver before you go out and after you come back. Go with a chaver and help each other enjoy the outdoors without coming to harm. Come to Meron and enjoy seeing all the wonderful yidden who come to daven.

Helpfyi wrote on 30 Jun 2011 02:00:


Plan ahead:

Think less about what you are not going to look at, and think lots about what you are going to look at.  Look for the "good" stuff, and stop worrying about the "bad" stuff.

Helpfyi, very wise words you got here from BB and Yossi

Changing your makom for a vacation can definitely be a test.  Wasn't it part of the fun back in the bad old days?

It is harder, but you can do it.  Take it one test at a time.  You will enjoy the beauty and rest of your vacation so much more.  There's no vacation from this struggle.

Shteig on!
Alex

HelpFYI

Oy, you posted a very difficult question. It’s like asking I will go on vacation and the hotel will supply me with a computer that I can’t put a filter on it. I don't have the right answer for you, but, listen to those that have. Its great, that you are worried and preparing your self in adavnce.

Blind Beggar wrote on 30 Jun 2011 12:18:

I'm married and if i do that my wife will think i'm crazy, plus what about the indoor places......

thanks for the tip guys!!!

While researching for a vacation place, can you please find a place where I can send my YH for a vacation. He deserves it, he works ‘very’ hard. I deserve it, because I try to fight back. I wish he goes for a week or more, if he likes he can stay there forever.

shteighecher wrote on 30 Jun 2011 19:56:

you shouldn't view your YH as someone you have to get rid of, there are no 2 powers one good and one evil its  all from hashem who is a yachid! that is the mitzvah of yichid hashem to understand that all comes from him. All inclusive even your YH, its there to help you grow and you have to use him in the right way to get to where your supposed to! ( more on this subject buy R Yitzchok Berkowitz's book called "the 6 constant mitzvas" it will change your outlook on life)

Helpfyi wrote on 30 Jun 2011 19:13:

My wife is impressed when she sees I do things for shemiras eiynayim. If sem girls (like her sisters and their friends) come for a seuda or if I go out in the street on Shabbos I take off my glasses and she is pleased with my efforts.
How do you think your wife will feel if she notices you staring at every attractive and half-naked woman that you see? And she will notice.

She will notice.....

I have found myself running, planning doing everything in my power just to get to that beach, to see that bit of flesh, it is interesting that rosh hashonah comes striaght after the summer holidays, i hope that this year together we can use our running to help our wives on holiday and get that mincha and maariv minyan that is much harder to do on holiday....if i can look away in these months then it stands me in good stead for the rest of the year!

Blind Beggar wrote on 03 Jul 2011 21:04:


yes she will notice but she wont like that i'm wearing dark glasses either she would just want me not to look bec women dont understand the whole idea....

I agree, although that depends on each persons wife, but I don't think mine would appreciate no glasses when we have female visitors

Sorry for my ignorance, Fyi, but does your wife know of your struggle clearly? Given that she is a woman and cannot possibly see it objectively, and given that she will by necessity take any roaming eyes by you as evidence of her personal lackings - or of your dissatisfaction with her directly....nevertheless, if she is on board with you to some degree and not just "an angry and jealous wife", things will be better for you in the long run.

But every situation is different and every marriage is different - for many, telling our history to our wives is a grave, destructive error!

On the other hand, a good slap in the face can go a long way in getting us all to take our 'visual infidelity' more seriously. (Ouch) Our relationship with our wives is indeed precious.

Sadly, many, many frum guys who insist on labeling every desire and everything they do wrong as bein odom laMokom...are hiding behind that. They do not see the infidelity to their wives and shakranus they are infusing themselves with in their peeking and in their acting out. All they see is the aveiro!

No wonder Hashem is sonei zimah! It separates his precious children like nothing else! In acting out, my wife and children were the #1 pain in the rear to me. They got 'in the way' of me 'taking good care of myself' all the time!

Some people hide from the horrible damage they do to their relationships, using Hashem Himself! They block out the decency issue with religiosity! They are "too p'nimi and ruchani" to be concerned with things like real fidelity, real love, and real betrayal. Pui!

But now about the vacation. Hatzlocha. I am not a bar hochi to advise you, and the guys above are doing an awesome job so far. The ikkar for me is to keep my focus before, during and after the vacation on one big and beautiful thing:



Just like davening for the woman in the street that I happen to be going crazy with lust after - putting the other persons needs first makes the lust irrelevant - love kills lust. Same here. 

Love your family and have periodic reminders. Don't stray far from the loving. Take actions of love whenever you can, patience, giving, praying, fun, whatever it is.

And take it easy. The best thing you can give your family on vacation is a sober and calm husband/father.

And have a few guys to call on the phone - do not go alone! Hashem will work through people. That's His style.

dov wrote on 05 Jul 2011 02:25:

fyi- my wife doent know and telling her would put me out the front door! 
what do you mean daven for her, i should daaven for the dumb shiksa in the street?