Dear regular -

I liked what you wrote: "I am used to thinking that I am plain regular and whatever triggers me is someone elses fault, always thinking why is she doing this too me?".
This is very common for us. The victims. Nu. Take a number, please.
Anyway, some folks can spend a lot of time on "why do I think this way?, etc." And analysis does have a place in fourth step work, after all. But even with all the understanding, it is not the answer itself. Getting our eyes clean is obviously not the ultimate solution - it's just a necessary tool.
The actual answer (for me) was (and is) in using the steps to get my head clean by choosing to start to practice behaving a different, sometimes unnatural-feeling way. That's recovery. Staying sober more days isn't "recovery", just a very necessary tool, again. Recovery means change for an easier and more useful life. Mine is now easier than it has ever been and more useful, too. Just ask my family and friends...
Real change takes time, love, patience, time, help, time, patience, and you deserve all of those things, for sure. Hashem has shown plenty for you and for all of us, and so will the people on this site!
Of course avoiding poisonous images as much as possible is part of that because the power they exert on our minds and bodies is devastating. The glasses thing may help, the occasional few seconds of closing the eyes helps, as well as the davening from the bottom of the heart for the benefit of our lust targets themselves or for Hashem to just remove the lust in this one situation and help us move on...it all helps. The solution, though, is only by living in the solution, not being memashmesh and mephashphesh the problem.  One of the things I remember better after reading the berdichever's posts, for example, is that life and the real world are really very big things, and very good things, too. I have dwelled on my own kleineh burden enough. It's time to move on - only with the energy of simcha shel mitzvah and a smile! Now that's one heck of a tool! Heaps of Siyata Dishmaya is needed here. At least for me and most of the addicts I know who need to remain sober for the long term, this is the easiest way. But there is always the hard way...
By talking openly (but safely) about the stuff you wrote, you are doing yourself (and us) the best favor. Ashrecha, fanTAStico amigo! We have all had enough of guarding and ignoring the problem. They make letting go and getting free elude us. Just keep letting it out and moving on with us!
PS. I'm not a "regular" either, I'm a 40 short! :o  ;D  :o  :o  :o  ;D  ;D  :o  ;D  ;D  :o  :o  ;D  :o Love and admiration (and a little dizzy from that marquee now) - Dov

Wow Dov, you and the Rebbe do a real 1 -2 punch.
What a contrast in style.
I think R' B. was saying not to focus, to divert to mitzvos.
I think you were saying that the ikar is to reinvent oneself, using the 12 step mehalech.

You also seemed to be saying that you agree with R' B.


???

KUTAN TIERE

THE REBBE REB BER(DOV) WAS THE REBBE OF THE HEILIGER BARDICHEVER

THEY HAD VERY DIS-SIMIALAR DARKIE HA-AVODA

OUR DOV IS A PROGRAM GUY 12 STEPS AND HE IS WINNER AT IT

bARDICHEV IS A NON -PROGRAM GUY B"H SO FAR SO GOOD

DOV IS KULO SECHEL b IS KULO LEV

THATS WHY WE ARE A 1-2 PUNCH

I KNOW I MAKE ALOT OF JOKE

IT TOOK ME ALOT OF TIME TO COME TO THIS MASKANA

b (THE HEART GUY)

No, Mr. B. I disagree. Hey, that rhymes.  :D

Dov is KULO LEV and you are KULO LEV. Dov just got there using a different path.

but you agre  i have very little sechel ;D ;D ;D

bardichev wrote on 06 Aug 2009 16:15:

Actually, the amount of sechel one possesses has been proven to be inversely related to the degree of lack of self unawareness.  I think.
I do not know what I just wrote, but I do know that I love the berdichever.
Please continue to teach me.
- Dov

takeh true. The Rebbe r' Ber was the Rebbe of the bardichever.
You must all be gilgulim.
Wow.
its an honor (is it an honor or a honor... anyone? Bar Moshe?)

inversely related to the degree of lack of self unawareness.
made me dizzy. I'm going to skip this ma'amar, and v'hu rachum yechaper u'von.

Maybe moshiach will come today, in the zechus of the ahavas yisroel here.

kutan

dee vereter fin dee rebbe reb ber zennen geven teef in kmat umfarshtendlich

dee heiliger rebbe reb zeesha hut gemacht azloiche kolis men hut emm gedarft arois-shikken

nuch dee shiur hut men gefregt de rebbe reb zeesha vayl men hut ess nisht farshtanen

DE REBBE REB ZEESHA HUT IBBER GEZUGT YEDDER VORT!!!

Dizzying indeed. I'll simplify that for everyone, since two negatives make a positive:

"the amount of sechel one possesses has been proven to be inversely related to the degree of self awareness".

Shoin. Thats why he's the Guard.

Oy Gevalt! Wait a minute! I was really just playing around a bit and went too far. Maybe it made some sense, but my point was really just that sechel has big limitations, too - unless it is the sechel that shows us we don't really have much sechel! Now that's self-awareness that matters!

Hey, heiligeh Regular Guy:
Howya doin'? Yak shemash? Whatever?
- Dov
PS. And, yes - that is why he's the Guard!

shalom aleichem once again
I am beyond confused
I can not figure out this forum.
I always held my self in a high esteem to be above the petty stuff.Yet I will not fall into the trap of haughtiness and not be open to ideas and to be helped.
  I really feel like an outsider looking in on a party , all of you have such joy while I am lonely and dejected.
I have a burning desire to see FRUM women living a life that is beyond my imagination and status. To be honest I am a bit jealous they seem so happy and cool while I need to put on a show in shul and at work. I love being a frum Jew I say that with pride.I feel this women have it both ways while I am just " a regular guy"
I am fully cognizant that I need to work on myself and improve myself .I will follow the advice I get. sorry for ruining your party.maybe this forum is not for me .I never realized I have such anger and hurt and I am taking it out on people who have nothing to do with me. I apologize for rambling and wasting your time.
I have no ideas how to proceed.

R.G.

Hi RG -
I was happy to read your post, even though the pain wells through. You can stay part of the party, by all means, because you do seem to qualify. We are all yidden struggling with lust - or with sobriety from lust! - in some way, and growing together as yidden. Like you. We don't need to be exactly the same.
You have a G-d, a Torah, a job, know you have some sort of lust problem, and can express yourself. Those are a few giant building blocks right there. Being confused is not always a bad thing. Try taking things one small step at a time.

Can you please be a bit more specific regarding frum women living a life that is beyond your imagination and status. Thanks, RG.

PS. If you PM me, I won't be around again till sunday, so can't answer till then. In the meantime, have the best Shabbos you can!

Regular Heiliger Tzaddik

we all love evry Jew here

come in and join it

Yes humility is a key step

Surrender you Middos and your anger and your hurt

all to Hashem who is the Mkor of all these feelings...


NOW FOR SOM EBARDICHEV STYLE STREET TALK

(BOYS WE WILL CRANK IT UP A FEW NOTCHES)

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM ??

LOOK IN YOUR OWN MIRROR DUDE!!

YOU ARE THE ONE WHO WANTS IT BOTH WAYS!!

(i will apologize in the end I always do)

YOU ARE JEALOUS OF VERY THE PEOPLE YOU LOOK DOWN UPON

NO ONE !!NO ONE !! IS YOUR PROBLEM!!

I AM A NEW YORKER IT IS A TOUGH TOWN

IF YOU CAN'T STAND THE HEAT

GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN!!

LETS DIG DEEPER YOU ARE A PROUD JEW

I BELEIVE YOU 100%

ARE YOU A HAPPY JEW?? (HMMMM...)

NO YOU ARE NOT! YOU SAID SO YOURSELF..

IF ALL YOUR TRIGGERS (MICHSHOLOS) WILL BE GONE

WILL YOU BE AN IOTA HAPPIER??

NO! THEY ARE NOT YOUR PROBLEM

IF YOU HAD DIFFICULTY CLIMBING UP A MOUNTAIN

AND SOME ONE REMOVED THE MOUNTAIN

WAS THAT A SERVICE? DID YOU BECOME BETTER? STRONGER? HAPPIER?

NO, NEIN, NISHT, NYET, NON, LO, (loi)

THE BEST EITZAH IS REALIZE NO ONE IS PERFECT

IMPERFECT PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE IT ANY EASIER

I WILL HIT YOU WITH ONE MORE BARDICHEV STYLE HARDBALL THEN I WILL GO EASY

I WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT IRKS ME

MEN WHO SHMOOZE IN MIDDLE OF DAVENING

AND THEY ARE (NEBECH) MACHSHIOL PEOPLE TO SHMOOZE

AND THEN THEY GET THEIR CHILDEREN INTO THE FINEST SCHOOLS AND ETC..

WHERE IS THE OUTCRY??

I DO NOT MEAN TO SAY TWO WRONGS MAKE IT RIGHT

LIFE AINT FAIR!!!

LEARN IT

DEAL WITH IT

GROW FROM IT (LIKE DOV)

LAUGH AT IT (LIKE MR.b )

DO NOT CRY UNFAIR!!!!

MY DEAREST CHAVER I HAVE A FEELING YOU WILL NOT RUN AWAY

GUARD FIND MR.REGULAR AN ICON AD IT BETTER NOT BE HOMER SIMPSON (nuu bardichev)

EVERYONE ON THIS SITE KNOWS WHEN I SAY WITH ALL MY LOVE I MEAN IT

W.A.M.L.
bardichev


KEEP ON POSTING

Dear regular guy,

Like I mentioned before, we can't afford to check out whether these women are "tznius" or not, we can't afford to feel rightious indignation about the low state of things in Klal Yisrael. We have no choice but to leave this "valuable" research to others... It is pure poison. We addicts, have a petur in "fixing the world". And as the admin of GYE, I GIVE YOU THE PETUR EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT A REAL ADDICT! We have no choice but to learn how to guard our eyes completely and avoid places where such women hang out like the plague.

Here are some tips to help:

1) Tell yourself that no matter how painful it feels NOT to look, it will be MORE PAINFUL to look. Why? Because when you look, there are two acute pains you will feel.
      a) You feel suddenly far from Hashem and from your goals.
      b) You know you can't have it anyway, and when you look - you desire it, and you can't have it, and it HURTS.
So essentially, the pain you feel when not looking is MUCH BETTER than the pain of looking.

2) The pain you feel when not looking is HEALING pain, like the pain from an important surgery. The pain is healing you. On the other hand, the spiritual pain of looking is the pain of the disease getting worse. Which pain do you choose?

3) The pain you feel when not looking is not really your pain at all. It is the pain of the Yetzer Hara in his "death throws". He is screaming that you are hitting him hard. So enjoy the pain! You are feeling the pain of your enemy as he dies!

4) The whole desire is a blown up bubble of hot-air, built around what we see and imagine in the mind. Experience has shown us all, that as soon as we get what we thought we wanted -- what we thought was going to be absolutely incredible (according to what we saw and fantasized), as soon as it's done, the bubble pops and all that's left is "hot air". And we are left shaking our head and not believing that this was the whole thing for which we sell our very souls.

So in essence, the fact that we struggle so much with shmiras ainayim and all these powerful fantasies, and the fact that we need to use such strength and give our hearts over to Hashem - this all is really Hashem's greatest gift to us.

This sounds a little strange, so let me explain what I'm trying to say:

If we would just be like the goyim and just give in and get all we wanted in these areas, we would have NOTHING at the end. Do they have joy from this? The minute it's over, they are left disillusioned and seeking other pleasures to fill the void they feel. So think about it. Hashem has chosen us and uplifted us from the filth of the world with such kindness. He has given us the opportunity to give him our very hearts! We have the opportunity to make all these "valiant" struggles every time we turn away from looking at something the Yetzer Hara wants us to look at. But what is the alternative, if we would give in? Nothing! Emptiness and disillusionment! The Yetzer Hara promises so much but delivers nothing! So what I'm trying to say is, that this whole blown up desire we have, and all these difficult struggles not to look, etc... it’s all really a "game" that Hashem is playing with us. He makes us feel we are "ripping out our hearts" for him - and he indeed gives us the reward AS IF WE DID RIP OUT OUR HEARTS and he allows us to come closer to him than any non-Jew could dream of coming, and yet, it's all a game. For if one would be able to see in advance the way he would feel after he would give in, he wouldn't even have a struggle!!

That is perhaps what Chaza”l meant when they said that one day the Tzadikim will weep with joy that they were able to overcome the mountain of the Yetzer Hara, and Resha’im will weep that they couldn’t overcome this little string of the Yetzer Hara. One may ask, how could the Yetzer Hara really be two things? Well, based on what we just wrote above, it could be that the Tzadikim are talking about the “mountain” that the Yetzer Hara “FELT LIKE” – when they DIDN’T give in. But the Resha’im are seeing the little “nothing” that the Yetzer Hara really was WHEN THEY GAVE IN.

So it’s really all a game of Hashem’s chesed and love for us. Hashem is really only asking of us to over come a “small string”, but he makes it LOOK like a mountain so that we can truly give him our hearts and get the tremendous reward he wants to give us!

Remember this, and you will stay strong even in what “feels like” the most difficult moments!