wow, thank you Eye.Nonymous!!  Your words are precious jewels and I can sense they came from the heart, because they entered the heart!  before shavuous that is mamash. 
I am actually somewhat jealous now of your act of chesed.... as Steve said on the call this morning, we as addicts need to focus on others as part of our recovery and fulfilling their needs instead of our own.  I certainly don't feel as if I've given anything on these boards... not yet anyhow.  words of encouragement to the addict, as I see now, are wondrous and help carry the next 24 hours!!

One of my favorite Torahs of all time; for a good healthy perspective on life. I heard this in my early stages of recovery and to this day (13 years later) it helps me greatly if/when guilt and negativity try to overtake me:

Pirkey Avos ch 5.

"The world was created with ten utterances.  What is this teaching us? Certainly, it could have been created with a single utterance. However, this is in order to make the wicked accountable for destroying a world that was created with ten utterances, and to reward the righteous for sustaining a world that was created with ten utterances."

It's a basic essential principle that Hashem is the essence of goodness..  "G-d's kindness is all day", "the world is built with kindness", "G-d with his goodness, every day and moment, renews creation"... Etc.

So here is our loving and kind G-d deciding to make a world, and he was so mad at people that didn't even exist yet so the 'very 1st thing on His mind', before even the tzadikim, is beating up reshoyim!?

He don't sound too nice to me..



Anyone who's learned the laws, and seforim on monetary damages and payments, knows that "to collect payment" in loshen kodesh is "l'purah" .

Interestingly, this mishna uses the same word for  what Hashem wants from the reshayim: l'hi'purah... "To cause them to give payment" (it does not at all say to punish them)

What in G-d's name could a Rasha possibly have that is so precious (even before tzadikim), that makes G-d pursue him 1st to get him to "pay it back" to G-d??


Teshuva.


We were intentionally created imperfect; with a strong inclination to sin, and the wonderful ability to do teshuva! The greatest nachas above, yes even higher than the avodas ha'tzadikim, is from our teshuva.

Indeed the very 1st thing which motivated Him to have a world, was having imperfect, struggling people (like us) and an imperfect world, as the major ingredients in His plan.  Watching us grow,  striving to repair ourselves together with our portion in the world around us, causes unimaginable heavenly delight above.

Only those of us who know VERY WELL the 'taste of sin', can understand what it means to 'destroy, in a miraculous way,  a (normal) world that was created with 10 utterances' ('10' is the way the world is arranged 'according to plan').

The ba'al teshuva is the one who learns to  'break through' the normal patterns of connecting to Hashem and 'squeeze' extra energy and resources out of himself  to re-connect to kedusha.
"Zedonos na'aseh l'zochious!" (Intentional sins actually become merits!! We gather MORE merits than the 'normal' pattern)


For sure the straight and narrow 'good guys', the tzadikim, aren't off course in anything. They are "sustaining a world that was created with ten utterances", and keeping things "according to plan". With time, we also learn how to function again in this world 'according to plan.'

Inevitably however, in select moments throughout any day, we blessed ones  have the gift(!) of feeling: "what I see is not enough".."My heart needs more Hashem". We make an extra call, do an extra good deed, spread an extra smile, and happily lend an extra hand to someone in need.  We have an inner 'necessity' for a deeper connection, and we are 'always' (sometimes more, sometimes less)  motivated us to break the normal run of the mill pattern,  thereby destroying "the normal' world that was created with ten utterances."


So our 'sinning' was indeed 'part of the plan' to begin with, so that Hashem would have our Teshuva after.

(Kabalas Ha'Torah b'simcha oo'b'p'nimius!)

ontheedgeman wrote on 07 Jun 2011 16:32:


Don't worry about that.  As you hash out your own questions and try to resolve your own issues, there are lots of spectators who have the same questions and same issues, and they are finding answers, too.  For about every 1 post you see in your thread, there's at least another 10 people who have read it and learned from it, even if they didn't have anything to say.

--Eye.

Wow Serene!  Great Dvort!  Thank you. Where did you hear that?
And thanks for the words of encouragement Eye.  Patience has not been my forte.  I guess I must even be patient when it comes to expectations about what I can give.  A person who rushes giving tzedaka before properly doing his own cheshbon could make costly financial mistakes!

One thing I read that was very helpful, which relates to Serene's point, is the primacy of Torah study in regards to teshuvah.  Maalot haTorah by the Vilna Gaon's brother sets out MANY MANY merits that come from Torah study, including what seem to be various antitodes to the initial Zohar I quoted.  In short, if a person is truly O'sek b'Torah, let alone if he has achieved pure Teshuvah, is a great remedy for many many tribulations and punishments.  Maalot HaTorah really makes it seem as though proper study is like grabbing on the "horns of the Altar", and as long as we cleave and meditate, day and night, u'vlechtecha baderech, in dveikus, we will have tremendous zechut and protection.  If we do Teshuva in addition to all this, how can the harsh words of the Zohar re: wasted seed affect us?

In any event the Zohar contains many seemingly contradictory statements, to study them without a Rav is like try to learn Torah without a chumash.  so my fear is slowly abating.

I of course still feel terrible for what I have done...

As long as you feel amazing and fantastic for the mitzvas that you've done, then 'maybe' we'll let u get away with 'moments' of feeling "terrible" (as u say)... But if u only focus on and highlight the bad...???? Who gave u the right to cut down Hashem's beloved 1st born?!? (Namely, you). ?

(Ps. I showed u very early on in this thread, where the Tanya answers this questionable zohar)

Good point!!  I just re-read it.  It was framed differently - lower vs. higher teshuva.  But you did say it Serene.  Point well taken.

(Whatever we guys are going through here, it's all about our children... BH for a good many years now my main goal of sobriety is the happy family unit... And right now.. I* AM* T*I*R*E*D.. Wiped out... We should all be blessed w/happy families..