musicguy wrote on 05 Jun 2011 20:20:


Do you have someone to call in case of emergency?

I have been where you are many times.  Precisely there.

Nowadays, I speak to my wife for a while each night I am away.  I also make sure she has the hotel name and room number, not just my cell number.

where is the nearest minyan and mikveh?  you should hang out there.

RisingUp wrote on 05 Jun 2011 20:36:


I agree, yet I also disagree.

In a coffee shop, you have dozens of eyes on you, you have a purpose there.

In a hotel room, you unpack, you check out the amenities, make sure you get your upgrade, check out the club lounge....  All that takes 30 minutes.  Then you unpack, flop down on the bed, and...

What?  You have 3 hours to kill (and 15 hours to survive), with no eyes on you, and no real "purpose".  No odds and ends to tidy or fix, no washing up to be done, no wife to chat to.  You are free.

This is immensely different to a coffee shop, even a Dutch one!  So what is the answer?

To me, it is:
Bring the eyes and the purpose into the hotel room.

Maintain accountability, give the room number and hotel information to someone.  As well as a cell number (so you cannot pretend you are "out jogging").

Arrange something to do, even reading a book or working on a document, or learning, or sight-seeing in a new location.  It needs to be realistic (some people will plan a shiur but know in their hearts that they won't do it - in such a case, be honest and plan your TV schedule or a book as a "plan B").

You can take the schmutz out, but if you don't replace it, it's pot-luck, what replaces it.

Consider it this way - a coffee shop is a border skirmish: important and dangerous, but relatively mundane for an average soldier.  A hotel room is a major operation, that requires tactical planning well ahead of time, and some special forces and backup.  But, look at the prize - this is where you can shine.  Overcome a coffee shop, and you maintain your position.  Conduct a raid in the heart of enemy territory, and you weaken your enemy's stronghold.

TheJester wrote on 06 Jun 2011 11:07:


This is awesome. I love war analogies for these situations, because it is a war, after all. It's in your head, but it's just as brutal, and requires just as much planning and tactics.

musicguy wrote on 02 Jun 2011 20:54:


Of course when you tell her about a slip it makes her mad.  It does not induce a feeling of safety and security.

"Honey, I was just looking at naked shiksas for two hours straight on the internet and m*sturbating while I was at it.  BTW, I love you."

In general, this is not something a wife understands or appreciates.

It is usually advisable to wait until you've been sober for a good amount of time (at least a few months), and then, take guidance from someone who has already gone that path to know how to involve your wife.

You have no right to keep hurting your wife because it makes you feel good about your struggle.

--Eye.

Thanks for all the good thoughts and suggestions.  It's day 2 of my business trip and I am still clean.

I am finding that being mindful, thinking ahead, and staying focused on my goals is helping the most - and also avoiding the borderline stuff that I might try to convince myself "I'll just look a little" - because of course there's no stopping after that.

One more night.

Just keep posting here all night!

Last night was harder than the night before and I have to admit that I actually ended up thinking about P that I saw about a year ago.  It's not good, but I didn't actually act out.  I'm proud of getting through a business trip without acting out at all.  Two more days and I will be 30 days clean.  I go back home today.

Thank you all for your support!

I've got a week and a half of a lonely house to look forward to next week. Your victory is an inspiration.

Thanks for winning this one for us!

Hello my friends...

Thanks in part to this board and all of your support, today marks 30 days clean for me.  Yay!  My therapist tells me it gets easier after this.

I'm sure I've made it 30 days many times before, but never thought to count, and never had a community to share it with... so now I look forward to reaching 60!

Thanks again for all of your encouragement.

musicguy wrote on 09 Jun 2011 15:58:


Congrats!

And good luck.

--Eye.

musicman wrote on 07 Jun 2011 16:15:


How do you plan to deal with this?  Addiction feeds on isolation, so we need to stay out of isolation.

--Eye.

Eye.nonymous wrote on 10 Jun 2011 06:30:


I'm working extra hours the whole time, including sundays. I've got a few home projects lined up to take care of, but I don't have much in the way of a social life, so it's going to be a huge challenge. I'm not really quite sure how that's going to go down, but w/ H's help, and some chizuk from GYE, I think it's doable.

Musicman - where in the country do you live?  Maybe one of us is near you and we can make plans to get together?