Y O U ' R E  D O I N G  T H I S  ! ! !

Thanks for all the positive feedback.  It helps!

My wife and I are on great terms today - having a really nice weekend together after all.

One item was really triggering for me today... my wife and I went to look at a community pool that we might visit this summer and there were a few sights that I had to force myself not to stare at.  It was a struggle - half my brain said to look and half said not to.  We were only there 10 minutes to look around, but that trigger made me want to act out immediately. 

When we got home, my wife had plans to go out with a friend for an hour or two.  I was very tempted to stay home and "relax", but in the back of my mind I was thinking how maybe I'll let myself look at P today.  Somehow I convinced myself to get out of the house. 

I'm at Starbucks now (drinking a frappuccino that must be 500 calories) and writing on this board instead of acting out.  Feels like crap because I am denying myself something that I want to do, but feels great because I am working towards much more important long terms goals, and keeping myself safe.

One other thing I will write here to help make sure I don't do it... I thought about going back to that pool on my own one day, laying there with sunglasses on and just watching for a few hours.  It's the kind of thing I would have done 10 years ago when I lived alone and was single.  It wasn't socializing, it was isolating and staring, and it eventually got me into lots of trouble.  In my mind, this kind of acting out would be as bad as looking at P at home, maybe worse.  Writing it here gets the secret fantasy out of my head and into a forum where I know how unhealthy it sounds.  I know you guys wouldn't let me get away with it anyway.

Hope you're all having a good memorial day!

musicguy wrote on 30 May 2011 22:08:


That's great.  This addiction thrives on isolation, and getting out of the house is definitely a good thing to do.

Reaching out to other people is another option, and even better.  Have you got anyone you can call?

--Eye.

musicguy wrote on 30 May 2011 22:08:


Musicguy,

I am not sure that I relate to your precise challenges - mine were slightly different (but probably just as destructive to myself and others directly).  That said, I truly and honestly empathize with you.  Moreover, I find your victories inspiring.  For that reason, and the reason you just mentioned above - keep writing, and get it all out if you need to.  To watch someone else make progress in this battle, and to be able to lend encouragement is worth more than almost anything to me.

If you are interested in lifestyle changes that enabled me to lose about 40lb of fat mass, build up 10lb muscle mass and 4 inches in the waist over 4 months (still going strong - on target for another 30lb over the coming months), let me know.

One more thing - is your wife getting enough support?  It sounds like she has an awful lot on her shoulders.  I am also hearing (perhaps it is just voices in my head) that your self-control is somewhat linked to the current satisfaction levels between yourself and your wife, and that you do better on good days.

musicguy wrote on 30 May 2011 22:08:


Got that right bro!
Take me to a community pool and I'm a goner.

I am still new to the programme, only a couple of weeks, but I haven't conquered not sneaking peaks, and I'm only now starting to realize it's importance.  Truth be told I just don't believe in my heart that this is possible.  We live in a time now where not looking is virtually impossible.  That being said, once I make the decision to turn away, which I am told is crucial, it goes a long way.  Truth be told I failed yesterday, not full acting out, but someone was dressed in an interesting way and I lost control.  I tell myself hey all my friends get away with it, why can't I.  Then I have to remind myself, wait a sec, they don't have the allergy, they don't act out it the bizarre ways... 

Anyhow my point is, keep up the holy work, keep your eyes in your chumash, and enjoy the bike.

At the beginning, you cannot help seeing.  You can help looking.

The stage I would someday like to get to is when I see differently - maybe stop thinking that the world and all that is in it is put there for my enjoyment?  I think I need to change my perceptions for that to happen.  Or maybe I am just doomed.  Who knows?

Almost had a slip today... was alone at work and started to google stuff I shouldn't.  After about 30 seconds (and before I saw anything bad) I caught myself and IMed my accountability partner and told him what was up.  Just talking to someone about it helped me refocus. 

If anyone is reading this who is struggling, it really does help to have someone to talk to outside of your wife and/or therapist.  I'm happy to communicate with others if anyone needs the help.

I've started many a two-hour session with some "innocent" googling.

Glad to hear you pulled out!

Alex

So nice to hear that others are dealing with the same issues.  Everything I write seems to resonate with someone.  Amazing.

musicguy wrote on 02 Jun 2011 02:29:


That's for sure!  The wife doesn't understand, and it often does more harm than good if we share these struggles with her.

--Eye.

I share as much as I can with my wife.  I want her to feel safe and secure in the relationship and be able to trust me.  But when I tell her about a slip, it only makes her mad.  It sure feels good being able to tell her good news for a change.

I'd like to make a suggestion. I appreciate the desire to be completely open with your wife but too much openness comes with the danger that we drag our wives into our own mess. You're wife as most wives don't want to hear about your falls. For one it makes them feel inadequate as if they're not good enough. After all if I was good enough why is my husband looking elsewhere.  The upshot of that is that it becomes difficult to share our successes because that just opens the suspicion that oh he didn't say anything today maybe there was a fall. I'd like to suggest an alternative which is to show your success through your actions. Show your wife that your sober by showering her with attention and love. These actions will speak louder to her than a statement that I overcame my desire and didn't look at the bimbo walking down the street today (which is what she probably hears when you say you didn't act out). Just a thought.

I am out of town on a short business trip - just two nights.  Being alone in a hotel room is a huge trigger for me and a time when I have broken clean streaks many times.  Upon arrival at my hotel, I went to a meeting and then immediately went out to lunch and a coffeeshop.  I keep thinking about wanting to act out later or tonight - like I am starting to make it feel like it's OK to me in the back of my mind. 

If I let myself go there, it will be hard to keep myself from actually acting out later today.  I have been working a little on my sobriety plan while I've been here at the coffeeshop, and am planning to not open my computer or go online at all when I get to the room. 

The fact that I keep thinking about it is scaring me - I'm almost at 30 days clean and don't want to mess up while I am here. 

You are not there to be clean for two days!!!!!!

You will be clean right now in the coffee shop and that is it!!!  You can only control right here right now.  Stop thinking about later... now!!!!

In the hotel room is no different than the coffee shop.  Right here Right NOW!!!!

Just to let you know that I also have my hardest time when a combination of being alone and late at night are put together, so I know how you feel.  Trust me that the only thing that ever helps me is: Right here Right now (AKA: ODAAT or; one second at a time)!!! Every single moment is the strength of the previous moment and the energy for the next moment!!  Skipping moments doesn't help.  You are going to need now for now for now for now for now etc..  and that doesn't stop if you fall.  You would still need just now for just now for just now.