It's Thursday evening and I just came back from dinner with my wife.  I have not been tempted to look at any P or even any questionable sites for the last few days, and I had a good session with my therapist today.  We mostly talked about my issues with weight - I believe I also have a food addiction - and why I haven't been able to stick to a plan in about 8 years.  I'm still thinking about buying a bike - he thinks any plan is a good one if I stick to it, and he suggests that finding some way to not be working in isolation would be helpful.  This could be a bike club, someone to ride with, etc.  At the moment I'm deciding if I even want to take the money out of my savings to pay for a bike when I have not proven to myself that I will use it.  It's something I have to keep thinking about.

I've had an issue the last couple nights with TV after my wife goes to sleep. She falls asleep faster than I do, and I feel like I want to MB, so I look for something on TV to watch.  I have already removed all premium channels from our cable subscription, and the bedroom TV has no video on demand, YouTube, etc... but I am still using TV as best as I can to substitute for P.  This is not safe for me - it's the same behavior with different material - but the same pattern.  I have to focus on this tonight... if I want to stay up a little later, I should watch a normal show (the Daily Show!) or just go to sleep.

On another note, I am frustrated that I have not heard back from anyone on this site yet about an accountability or support partner and I wonder if it's because I'm not an observant Jew?  Probably not... but it's something that would be very helpful to me.  I sent in my request form 10 days ago - I think I will email the contact address to follow up.

Musicguy this is a great thread. I've learned cooking which bike to buy and sobriety. If you're looking for a partner I'm available (you can PM me). My last partner has disappeared. Keep up the great work.

You're dead right! The television is feeding the habit.  Women on TV are way too provocative for me.  Even the weather girl will do me in.  In truth, any woman is too provocative for me, except my wife.

How bout a non-fiction book instead?

Before joining Food Addicts or OA, take a look at a small book by Dr Joel Fuhrman called Nutritarian Handbook.  There's a concept he discusses called "toxic hunger" and the book will open your eyes to a whole new world of health for you.

What about replacing the handlebars and stem on your mountain bike with ones that will allow a more upright posture rather than the expense of a new bike?

Also, resistive training (weights) are key to weight loss.  There's another great motivating health book for men written by Dr Robert Arnot called Turning Back the Clock. You should be able to find it for a song on Amazon.

You're on the road. Keep on truckin!

Musicguy,

Just to let you know, the partner/sponsor demand far exceeds the supply, so you may need some patience with that. Rest assured that there is no intent to discriminate against anybody on the basis of religious observance.

Oh, and WELCOME !

E

Hi all... I haven't posted in a few days so I thought I'd come online and catch up.  I'm still clean - since May 9 - and feeling great about that.  I'm finding that being on the site and getting the daily emails are helping to clarify my goals in my mind and they are even changing the language I am using to think and talk to my therapist about them.  I don't mean I'm suddenly speaking Yiddish... just that I am using words like "clean" and "triggers" which I have never used before.  It's a good thing.

The weekend has been pretty easy for me.  I've spent almost all of the weekend with my wife, which I really enjoy.  It's the best part of the week.  Now it's Sunday and I am feeling sad about having to go back to work to a job I don't love.  I am exploring the idea of starting a freelance/consulting business on the side, with the hope of eventually doing it full time, but right now it seems a long way off.  I have a criminal background (thanks to my P addiction) which would make it difficult to just go out and get another job.  If I can get the freelance thing off the ground, it would be really wonderful for me.  I think I would enjoy working for myself.

I have been really consistent about not using the computer when home alone but now I am becoming more aware of things that I may do or think that are a step further out... like looking at girls or women, thinking about P I may have looked at in the past, etc.  It's just one step away from actually acting out. 

I feel like my perspective is gradually changing... I am becoming more serious about giving up P and being really committed to being clean.  Just this morning I was thinking about wanting to act out again sometime soon though... and I wonder if these thoughts keep coming, even after you are clean for weeks, months or years. 

An update on the accountability partners - I have been matched up with someone, and someone from this forum has agreed to be a partner and guide as well.  It all helps.

Musicguy, sounds you're definitely on the road!
Do the thought's go away? I only have experience with one person's thoughts....
In the beginning, before discovering this site, I had made a vow not to look at P on the net.  I kept the vow, but was still looking at women and mainstream photos.  The thoughts were relentless.  After discovering I was an addict and starting to apply the steps, and making a commitment to stop looking at all women in all settings except my wife and daughters (and professionally to the degree necessary), the thoughts continued but not as incessant.  A big part of my addiction was fantasizing and my mind would play the recordings of previous fantasies as well as images at the most inappropriate and random times.  When these thoughts came, I would again apply the steps, admitting I was powerless and asking for Heavenly assistance.  Gradually, the intrusive thoughts went away.  They will still knock once in a while, but they're much easier to keep out if I don't let them in.  It was a real relief once the thoughts started receding, because fighting them took huge chunks of mental energy.  I am much more serene.  Life is much better. 

I'm at work now and struggling.  Feeling like I want to look at some sites that I shouldn't.  I'm not sure why I am feeling this way right now - I think it's because I'm feeling like I don't want to be at work. 

I'm proud of the way I am handling this for two reasons.  One, I am recognizing my position before I act out, even before I look at sites that aren't even porn.  I know that looking at them will lead me to actual P.  Second, because instead of just continuing to look at websites, I emailed my accountability partner and am posting here.  And now I'm going to get off the computer and get away for a couple minutes.  Get a coffee.

This sucks.

musicguy wrote on 25 May 2011 20:55:


No...  it rocks.  You're not just fighting a battle, but a hard battle.  When you win it, you'll know you achieved something.

Keep giving us updates - I for one, and I'm sure many of us do, get a little "high" whenever I hear someone is "winning" (which is what you're actually saying).

It's strange - there are these small wars going on all over the world, and so often, the heroes are unknown...

Hi all...

Someone on another forum asked if I have a recovery plan.  Here's how I answered... would be interested in any feedback.

Hi,

Be careful here, because I am not sure that you've made it clear enough to everyone how extreme your issue has been for you, and how your life has been devastated as a result.  Also, be careful with advice here that is specific to recovery, if in fact you have a recovery plan that you're discussing with your therapist.

With that said...

It sounds like a great start.  Except - are you replacing the bad with anything good?

Musicguy,
Good to hear from you and to hear that you're doing so well!
You said "this sucks."  I think you just mean "this is work." Hard work.  A lot of hard work.  And you're doing it!
Rock on!
Alex

If you can't take it one day at a time, take it one hour at a time. if you can't take it one hour at a time, take it one minute at a time.

Every second you restrain yourself from giving in, you are placing yourself above 98% of the world, and you are a true hero of our times.

Rough day today.  Started off with my wife being angry at me (last night and this morning), seeing and then staring at something I shouldn't have been looking at in a coffeeshop (no explanation needed) and then having the evening to myself when my wife had plans.  A year ago I would have acted out 3 or 4 times by now.

Somehow, I didn't act out this time.  I sure wanted to.  Picked up Thai food and watched Shutter Island instead (neither was amazing). 

musicguy wrote on 17 May 2011 14:05:


...and keep a look out for what you're THINKING and how you're FEELING.  Negative thoughts and feelings, I have found, are often what drives me to act out.

--Eye.

musicguy wrote on 29 May 2011 04:16:


So sue me for skimming.  I read that twice, and that's all *I* saw

Good going, and more where that came from!