I apologize, because I don't think that this is the appropriate board, but I couldn't find one that matched it better.  I guess this is an unusual question.

I'm reading the book "After the Return" and I learned about the status of being a "ben nidah."  Previously I didn't know of this.  I believe that I am a ben nidah (not completely sure, though).  Does this have anything to do with my lust for porn?  Is it possible that my status as a ben nidah is the cause of my problem?

I am too. And BH sober close to 7 years now. Happily married w/BH happy kids. Whatever u are, u are a yid w/ability to be happy and live a good jewish life.

I am not.

But apparently that hasn't helped me from falling into the virtual she'ol tachtis.

Remember, "Gadol Mamzer Talmid Chacham, MiKohein Gadol Am Ha'aretz".

To whom you were born is Hashem's business. What you do with your life is your's.

KOT and don't look back,

E

"To whom you were born is Hashem's business. What you do with your life is your's"... WELL SAID!

Hi welcome!

Reb Moshe has a teshuva I forget where exactly at the moment, where he says, if Chazal say that the children of a Nidda will have certain bad character traits and flaws, how is it that we have baalei teshuva with such refined middos?

He says it is likely that the mother was toivel unknowingly, like she went for a swim in the ocean or somethinglike that. Point is even if you think you are a ben niddah it's possible that you are not.

Whatever the case, like the others said before you can't change the circumstances of your birth, but everything after that is in your own hands.

I was going to quote the Igros Moshe as well.  As Me3 noted, Rav Moshe stated that it is possible that even someone who didn't keep Taharas Hamishpacha was not a Niddah at the time of conception.

Since this has no Halachic ramifications, and it might not even be the case, I wouldn't let it concern you at all.

but one second here

even if you or i am a ben nidah, so what?

are we then put here withut a purpose? or porpoise?

guess what. i am worse off then you. i am a sex addict. disgusting. low.

so what?

am i here to just observe?

am i not part of this torah nation, this plan?

am i upset this is my lot?

am i upset i am not rich? not moshe rabbeinu? not a w***n? not you, or yechida, or bards, or dov, kedusha, or gaurd?

if i only knew igros moshe like ur a jew, had the kosher computer like kedusha, the 14 years sobriety like dov, the brains of me3 and yechida, and the selflessness of gaurd, why...i could be the...GRA!

no tzaddik, if you have your heart, your mind, your part of God's plan, then you could be...yourself, which is what Hashem wants

being a ben nidah- was this in your control-so isnt it the perfect tailored suit for you as a jew?
well, maybe its an onesh for your previous gilgul, and maybe

yeah, maybe

i love you, your friends love you
god loves you. unconditionally

so i am an addict
so what? its not easy to say with feeling, im still toiling. but i wanted to reach out to you, cuz youre a great guy

and the cause for your lust? all lust addicts have the same reason, although the paths to get there varied.
it is called

avodah zarah. serving myself. self will. defiance, not reliance.
this is white book 101, just my experience and that of others here and in SA and other druggs, like alchohol.

the tanya says chapter [18] that hashem's achdus is one. everyone knows that, right?
so he says that when we defy god's plan, we are showing that we think in practice that god is not one, but there are two.me and him.

and tanya continues that is why we heard from hashem hmself the mitzvah of lo yihyeh. because it includes all aveiros. just like anochi shows we comply with the belief of his achdus, that only his plan matters, not mine.

what made us lust?
was it not hundreds if not thousands of wrong reactions and agers and fears and resetments and low self esteem and insecurities and bad relationships and dependencies?
we had faith in quantity, but quality like that of the chafetz chaim ,where we'd be starving and running from russian armies and our kids died of black plague, and we'd just rely on hashem?
our wife would insult us and we would be like dovid and shimme be gerah?

we would be moshe when korach would threaten us and not retalite?

where was God.
that's classic AA lit.
but to me its more.

it's my experience.

so kot and surrender, whatever language and program you use, and become a mamzer talmid chochom. the gem' says he comes before the kohain gadol am haaretz. a mamzer?! yes.
even he, why not. god loves him. and has great plans for him too.

hatzlocho friend

Well don't they say that repentance is a form of rebirth, and so at least theoretically, that rebirth is extremely holy and pure for the BT.

More practically, a similar concept is discussed at length in Nishmat Avraham, discussing feeding non-kosher food to a child who requires it for one reason or other.  Although generally, even though a child is not require to keep kosher, the Rabbis say that if a child eats un-kosher food it adds to his evil nature.  Now how does this work for a child who is in the hospital, RL, and can't keep kosher?  Or for certain cures that involve non-kosher food?  Do we say, after the child gets out of the hospital, congrats, oh and by the way all that un-kosher food you ate, now it has added to your evil nature?  Perish the thought.  There are opinions quoted in Nishmat Avraham stating that in lieu of the 'illness', the rule clearly doesn't apply to the child.

All this to say - i read that the Steipler Gaon's view is that the application of Ben Nida does not apply to a frum BT who conducts himself with fear and awe.

tzaddik,

i dont know if i made my little ha'arah clear enough.

you are, as a good meaning oveid hashem, still holding onto this idea of ben nidah, the steipler says....kosher food...

and i said that IT DEOSNT MATTER

frogive me for this but,
what if you are a mamzer? a ben nidah? a androgeness? a rasha? an am ha'aretz? a fool? a guy with zits? a guy with a dorky voice? a lust addict?

my point was SO WHAT!!!!!!

you are a jew, and theoretics never helpd us grow. you are just philosifying.

just do your job, friend

become great. stop sitting on pointless trivialities.

why am i a lust addict?
bec. i am a ben nidah? am i really a jew? a mamzer? a kusi? a tzidduki? a roman?

i am distracting myself from my grand purpose.
my worth. usefulness.

get it, friend!

quoting from "After the Return" page 109:

Even though there are sources that indicate that one should avoid marrying [a ben nidah], Rav Moshe Feinstein maintains that unless one observes a complete lack of manners and sensitivity in that person, one may marry him without any reservatoins, since his positive character traits indicate that he was conceived in purity (Iggros Moshe, Even Ha-ezer 4:14, Responsum printed in Halachos of Niddah, Rav S. Eider).

Rav Yitzchak Yaakov Weiss (Minchas Yitzchak 7:107) rules that there is in fact a pegam or blemish in [a ben nidah], and that a person marrying such a person should be informed of this halachah.  However, a person should not be overly concerned with this fact, and it will not be a hindrance to a happy and successful marriage. 

Rav Moshe Sternbuch shlita, in a much more lenient ruling, maintains that it is permissible to marry a baal teshuvah whose parents did not observe the laws of family purity, since any impurity caused by this sin has been purified and removed by "the fire of the Torah" that they have accepted (Teshuvos V'hanhagos 2:627)

Thanks for all the replies!  The comfort is... comforting.

What had me worried was the part that says


It appears like a real kula, but it occurs to me that in fact one could think they observe a complete lack of manners and sensitivity in me.  I'm not such a great guy.  and "his positive character traits indicate that he was conceived in purity."  Well, again, my midos ain't very good.  So also I was thinking that I guess I was not "conceived in purity."  and maybe that's got something to do with my lust for porn.

But yeah, I get the point--there are more important things to worry about.  Yep.

I'm not yet married, btw.  I'm 19.

That should leave you a few years to work on your middos!

Rabbi Nachman said that much of a person's yetzer hora is because of the lust that his parents had when they conceived him. And that is talking about the tzaddikim of 18th and 19th century Ukraine. The Yaaros Devash said the reason that Binyomin ben Yaakov never did any aveiro is because he was conceived when Yaakov was older and perfected himself more.

So yes, it makes a difference and explains a lot, but Hashem made every one of us the way He wants us to be and put us in the situation He wants us in so that we can serve Him.

Hatzlocho.