Thanks for your understanding
I would start a new thread on this but it would be locked. Someone else who seemed to be having a similar problem to me posted about this issue and it was locked. I think this person is a ffb but his struggle seemed similar to mine .

I am a young single guy. Hopefully this problem won't be so bad when I start dating and find a wife
here is my struggle in a nutshell.
Probably because of certain things in the past, I always viewed masturbation as something very negative, selfish and perverted. Something almost as bad as child abuse.
As I got older I started accepting myself, accepting my body, accepting my sexuality. I let myself relax and enjoy masturbating with no guilt no shame.
Soon after this I started becoming observant, I started becoming deeply connected to hashem and the Torah. I was doing well until I started reading the Torah sources on masturbation I saw things like sharey teshuva that put masturbation and child abuse in the same category.  Something like "those guilty of masturbation and those that play sexually with minors..."
Again a was back to feeling like a sick pervert. I was drowning in this cold darkness, my very soul was being destroyed. I thought that the only way for me to save myself from this painful death would be  to leave Torah.
I needed to accept the  fact that sexuality was apart of me, accept myself with no shame and guilt and to enjoy masturbating, I could no longer deal with this religious guilt I had when I had an orgasm, which is meant to be a profound pleasure. Yes I understood that true sexual fulfillment is in a loving relationship with ones wife, however this does not detract from the fact that my sexuality is not negative when expressed alon, why? Because I love my self, it is not so much about lust, I did not watch porn or fantasize, I just masturbated.

But I could not go off the derech why? I simply love Hashem too much for that.

So I needed both worlds.
So I accepted that yes masturbation is a positive expression of sexuality, but my ultimate goal must be to stop because of the halachic reality of my loving abba in heaven.
So somehow even though masturbation is positive in my mind I slowly planned stopping e.g not doing it on shabbat and yomtov and very very very slowly cutting out more days. but when I do masturbate I enjoy it and view it as something very positive. Why? This is what a personally need in order to give me any hope of getting through this mess. This is an internal knowledge try think of it as being similar to the fact that you understand that porn will kill you.

But the problem is I am being completely torn apart by my personal beliefs about what I deeply know I need to do and what the torah world
Would say about me viewing masturbation as something positive.
Why do I care? Because I want, need to be apart of Hashem and his Torah, I need to be considered "orthodox"
I am broken and I'm being torn apart, I desperately need to be apart of Hashem and I desperately need to view me masturbating as something positive.

It is not about the fact that the medical world agrees with me about this, I don't care what they have to say, it is rather a deep inner struggle of  what a deeply believe, know and What the eternal never changing law of our abba teaches me.

This is all I think about it consumes me I am disturbed by this when I eat, when I sleep, even during kabbalat shaboss.

I am crying as I write this and don't know what to do.

listen friend.
number one, i want you to stay here and talk with me until we figure out how to help. i actually can say that part of your pain and story is my pain. so we can go through this together, if god gives me the opportunity.
i am no whiz or moderator, but a friend. that's all.

what i see WE need alot of here is perspective. tremendous amounts of shifting in perspective can help us feel better.

all in all, like you seemed to say, none of this is about masturbation as much as it is about your pain, security, hapiness, and feeling of being loved by god, fellow man, and self.

everyone wants this. that is reasonable, healthy, and worthy of persuit.

if this is all you really want, then if we can just find a way to attain that goal, then that seems to be the course of action.

if i were an expert and told you if you would do a rigorous excercise program each day, and it is garanteed to help you attain this goal of hapiness, would you not eagerly try it? i would.

so if god grants me time, i will re-read your insightful post and see if as a friend and fellow in pain, i can share something that i know from my own experience that can help either heal or at least identify.

i will tell you one thing about Hashem,
until u find or are granted the insights that can help u heal, always maitain a goal to grow and be a better person, the ideal that we can be. we are located really where are desires are. so keep your desires of growing and may god grant you direction and maybe we will merit to share with you later.

a friend,
tz90

friend,
please just share who are your sources for thought, what signal do your wavelengths follow?
R noah weinberg, spinoza, the lubavitcher rebbe, reish lakish? this is important to establish before a convo. ;otherwise you can see a chassidishe guy quoting a migaleh amukos to a guy who only listens to r shlomo amar and then both just get confused.

also, what's your age and family status, single? these things can help understand and appreciate your pain and struggle.
to just comment one one thing in your previous post, u said if u'd make your own thread it would be locked. perspective-u cld make a thread or stay here, but point is that if u meet something or someone unagreeable here, just talk about everything else but your struggle with your comfortability with....  because like i wrote-you dont have a religious principle to masturbate, it is simply something u do to help yourself from your pain and struggles. if so, like i wrote, if the black guy in the matrix could just give u a pill to make that pain dissapear, you would seem to be very satisfied according to my understanding. if so, u cld post here or make a thread about exploring if u cld get such a pill via some new tools.

as far as tools, God humbled me many times;each time i thouh i had THE tool, God showed me something new. from therapy, to mussar, to chassidus, to kabalah, to mind reading mekubalim, to r nachman, to tanya, to GYE, to SA, and now to the big book.

can u believe that the big book or gye did for me what mind reading tzaddikim could not? or what cbt therapy could not?
so i have three principles:
1)u must have an interest to change the bad habbit or aveirah, with enough interest where you are outwardly looking for tools
2)u must be open-minded enuff to pick up he tools in whatever form they appear, whether in the guise of himalayan meditation or an old comic strip of nancy and sluggo
3)you must be flexible enuff that when u see this current tool is insufficient for you, or you have grown out of it, to move on to another tool

we have a toolbelt. when we need something, we just pull it out, do a repair, and return it to the pouch.

this is how, thank god, i have been sober so far.

just want,
tz90

"please just share who are your sources for thought, what signal do your wavelengths follow?
R noah weinberg, spinoza, the lubavitcher rebbe, reish lakish?"

I strive to seek the truth from where ever it comes.
Although my "wavelengths" kind of follow Rav Kook(He was like a light of warmth, love and compassion)
Rav Dessler (who understood and explained the important fact that every one has their point of free will) 
And rabbi Lopes cardozo (who is very deeply committed to the Torah and is not afraid to think.) Just to name a few that come to mind.
Oh and I just read "the lonely man of faith" by rav YB Sol. Profound.

"also, what's your age and family status, single? these things can help understand and appreciate your pain and struggle."
25 single

"just talk about everything else but your struggle with your comfortability with....   because like i wrote-you dont have a religious principle to masturbate, it is simply something u do to help yourself from your pain and struggles. if so, like i wrote, if the black guy in the matrix could just give u a pill to make that pain dissapear, you would seem to be very satisfied"

Ok let's try get to the root of the ussue here,
Let me first make it clear that my starting point is the truth of Hashems Torah and his Halachic reality.
I don't believe that the torah changes to fit the times.
That being said I strongly believe that Hashem is reasonable and more compassionate then anyone in the entire world,
So while the halachik reality never changes, people are often not yet ready for that reality.
Our goal is to strive to become ready for this reality, on a deeper level however the entire possess is the goal (I think Rav kook talks about this)

Now actualy my comfortability with masturbation is the point. You are right I don't have a  " religious principle to masturbate"
If I could take a pill that would make me instantly stop masturbation I would take it, why? Not because a believe masurbation is perverted or repulsive (I don't believe that) but because that is in sink with the halachick reality.
Unfortunaty it is not that simple, I realise that  the only way for me to have sexual purity in the long run, and by that I mean only expressing my sexuality within the context of a loving relationtiop with my wife, I  need to accept masturbation as a normal part of my humanity.
If I don't, I will probably land up sleeping with prostitutes and dying of aids.
Now I was actually doing very well until this damn guilt got in the way.
I think this guilt must be from my yetser horah.
And guilt is my problem not masturbation I don't really regard m as a problem anymore I do it twice a week with no lust thoughts the only reason why my ultimately goal is to stop is because of the hallachic reality.

Now you can look at what I wrote above objectively because you out of my mind. So, do you think I'm an apikoris?

Thanks for caring and helping me with this.

GOSH DARNIT BT, IF YOU MENTION THE APIKORESS THING one more time i'll come over there myself and slap you!
we are all trying to grow, i dont think your'e an apikoress, and we are in a safe haven called GYE to talk freely for the purpose of finding happiness and usefulness to god,man, and ourselves.

your guilt is so much in your way that i am afraid it will affect anything we discuss. chuck your guilt in a trash can, or at least put it back in the fridge for now.
to be open minded, we cant have our minds affected by anything.

now, i will read your wonderful posts with the attention you deserve as a person wanting to grow.
truth be told, i think we should not talk torah at all.
why?
because you want to stop masturbation for whatever reason that is not clear to me.

if so, i can talk to you in the principles of sa, even if u were a black janitor from detroit.

so let's just talk about basic concepts that promote hapiness and living a full life, and leave the torah out of this

indirectly, by leaving masturbation behind, you will ANYWAYS repair your relationship with god, with this aveirah not being between you two anymore

is this approach acceptable to you?

love,
avi

I wish I could chuck away this guilt, but I am finding it very difficult to do this, it is killing me. It consumes me, I don't know why. At the seder its all I thought about.
This is my underlying issue and if you could help me chuck away and burn this guilt I will appreciate it.

As to masturbation its self, I need to use the gradual approach, this works for me, I understand that for a lot of people this won't work. But that is what I need. By building a solid emotional foundation first I can slowly grow with less risk of falling all the way down. 

I need to let go and let G-d but I need G-ds.acceptance of my letting go now how do u thinks this is possible for us masturbators, how do we complete step one with Hashems deaf ear?

friend, u are not being open minded, like the rabbeim you so look up to.
if you were really open minded you would admit that you may not know the effective way out of your troubles and that somebody else knows.

your cofidence that the gradual is the only approach for you is the only thing making you not do the "let go and let God" like you said yourself

isnt that such a contradiction?

"god, i will become very religious, but the only way to do it is to spend the next ten years eating rice all day, allowing no time for torah study or prayer. God, you see, i know better than you, because REALLY IM GOD, and so please understand that only if i can come to you through my own terms and conditions, will i then be able to serve you,"

at the same time, you fear that by chucking your gradual approach that guilts you, you fear that you wont have a filler for your emotional needs, like u yourself said.

which is precisely what i already said to you- if you would see a certain pill that you could take which would solve all your emotional problems and issues, melting your guilt, and strengthening your relation to God, wouldnt you take it?

you are a coward.

you are like a guy who is afraid to jump into the net of the fire department, while a fire is raging behind you

if you'd only jump, you'd survive

and by staying still you'll either die in this world, the next, or at least have a very mediocre life experience which you show

i know a guy with cancer that is afraid of treatments so he doesnt get them-are you him?

bt, i love you and any person who wants to grow and change. however, i do not have hours to help you in a way that i might.
it takes time from my own growth, marriage, torah study. therefore, while i love you  and reach out to you to hear your story and see if i can help in any way, i cannot debate the same points over and over again.
your growth will come by admission to your powerlessness and inability to successfully live your life, even with the aid of the torah and your therapist. you are living all day with guilt, and youv'e typed how you cry and think about it during the seder, and you have become so sensitive AS A RESULT that you make yourself the inability to recieve all tools available and be open minded
by admitting your submission to your emotional fears you allow it to lead to to your gradual death of soul and spirit

even if u were a goy, are you not leading a sad inaffective life?

you are your own worst enemy, a real addict in the way of possesing an addictive mind

i, or r spinoza, god, or ghandi, can all maybe help you

but it is only if you can allow yourself to let go

good luck, i am still here should you choose what you choose, but your advancement can only sprout from your own self admission and fearlessness

i too was abused
i know alot about your guilt, and much more
i carried a phone on me this yom tov on a pikuach nefesh call in case someone in my family who is in a life death situation would contact me
i know pain, i swear
but i grew from these steps and tools
because i allowed myself

Actually this method of stopping gradually was introduced to me by  dr benzion sorotzkin who is recommended by this site. Do you think he is a coward?
Also for years I have tried to instantly stop and never let myself masturbate, the paralizileing guilt was a lot worse than it is now (this must be hard to believe)
I think the problem overhere is that my problem is guilt not addiction. And gue is only for people with addiction.
I don't think it has a good effect on people here when I come with my funny ideas.
Sorry if I messed u up I just needed support.

I believe there is a place for gradual recovery, BUT perhaps with an outsider (Rav?) setting the pace and overseeing this gradual recovery. Because there is a very fine line between gradual recovery and guilt free non recovery under the guise of gradually taking it slow, etc.

bt,
i tried five times yesterday to reply, forum didnt work. i wrote three diff. posts, none went.

i wanted to say thank you, God, and you have helped me, i reached your story wich i did not understand, it prompted me to be open minded on my own and ask an expert. i got interesting perspective. i could share it in a pm if u want.

so thank you for being my teacher. i wanted to tell you, i think u can get support here, just be careful how u reresent yourself, bec. the gradual thing is anyhow irrelevant to the fact that you are a jew in pain. tell us more about your pain, and perhaps what stage of your own program of recovery that u are in, and maybe we can give support.

love,
tz90/avi

Avi,

This kuntress helped me a ton tonight.

Thank you from the depths of my heart.

It goes without saying that in order to get the most out of it, I will have to read it again and again and try to implement it.

Maybe I will collaborate with you in this project after all...

K'Dovid VeYehoinasan,

E

reb Tzadik90,
i am adding my in-laws to the list of beneficiaries of this kuntress. i don't know when they will read it but i printed out the whole thing and brought it with me to my in-laws for Pesach and i realize now that i left it in their house (in the basement on top of the Encyclopedia Judaica).
beshem the shvigger: shkoyach!