We have completed perek 2 of 6 kuntreissim. This one also deals with the notorious feeling of self hatred, which comes after insanity and before recovery.
it utilizes Torah to dospel these feelings and allow recovery to start.

Gaurd, if u like anything in it, you can do whatever you want to it. it is also unedditted, yet less colorful than the forst. I made sure not to use strong language in this uneditted version, as i recall.

It happens to contain alot of R nachman. This is because, although i enjoy quoting torah of all types, R nachman has dealt with this specifically to such a degree over anybody else i know.
I could have written over the whole meshivas nefesh, it is so good. You do not have to be BReslov to gain from it, esp. when a person is dying and needs help.


per request, i will post it this time so that durdaya can edit it and  read it easier than before ;D


as far as the rest of the kuntreissim, i must seriously cut down now on writing. My sponsor says it can take away from my recovery, and we all know that hakol nigrar achar harosh, so we'll see to finishing it very gradually.

the remaining prakim deal with recovery, why Torah didnt work (really good!), a halachic perspective, and more.

i am not worthless, but not at all perfect, and my recovery is important, so here is this and we'll see the rest later iy"H

1) When people introduce themselves on the Gaurdyoureyes.com forum, they often (usually?) express a fear that Hashem hates them, and has disowned them for their dispicable actions.

In this chapter I hope to discuss this topic to such an extent that it will be proven utterly false that Hashem hates anyone for this, to the point where it will be considered rediculous to ever think that way again. This fear comes largely due to a lack of proper Jewish education in these areas. If one would learn enough of the sfarim that discuss these subjects, he will see that he is far from the truth.

After receiving this "education", it can be that we still struggle with these emotions, but it should be on a much lower level, and for a shorter period. Torah does not cure anyone permanently, it needs constant work to internalize and review.

2) It can be said that loving one's self is the most important thing to develop first. Until he does this, one can tell him all the wisdom of Shlomo Hamelech related to these ideas of tshuva, but they will not help at all. He will not be healthy enough to even consider the idea that he has something good remaining within him.

3) Let him at least entertain intelectually that his beng a good person is at least a POSSIBILITY. If he does not think that this is POSSIBLE, he is both helpless, and dumb; helpless, because he can no longer be reached since he is unwilling to listen to anyone but himself, and dumb because of his stubbornness that he is right. How can a person be so sure that he is right about something? Havent' we ever experienced thinking a certain way, to later discover that we were clueless? Does an unmarried man really have a clue what marriage is like? Does a young man of 18 years old really know what it is like to be seventy years old? Does a young couple with one kid really think they know what it's like to have 5 kids? These are all practical examples of how our reality changes as our experience and wisdom change. It can happen to you, but only if you PERMIT it to happen.
Many people do not PERMIT this to happen because they prefer to wallow in self pity, as a way to feel better. I use the word "better" and not "good" because self pity never made anyone happy or feel good. At best, it helps a person pretend to themselves as if another person has taken interest in their pain and felt bad for them, sharing their pain.

4) Right now you may feel like your relationship with God is hopeless, a lost cause. R' Nosson of Breslov (beginning of Likutei Halachos, Orach Chaim 1) and his Rebbi, R' Nachman, both discuss what is perhaps the biggest and most brilliant fundamental in these areas, when we are trying to rebuild our hapiness and self worth from ground level. What they say provides the PROCESS from which rebuilding our feelings about ourselves can be accomplished.


It is a simple and well known idea that the thoughts that we put into our minds can influence the way that we feel. This is discussed by the Tanya (Likutei Amarim Perek 3) in detail. For example, if we choose to think of happy or funny things, it can lift our spirits.

Going with this idea, R' Nachman says that when we feel like we are hated by Hashem and ourselves, we need to employ a system by which we will successfully put many positive thoughts into our minds about our self image. By doing this, we can influence ourselves to create a better self image of who we are. Once we create that positive self image via these positive thoughts, we can begin the healing process.

The problem is that when we feel hated by God and ourselves, we are not interested in doing anything positive, and we leave no room to even entertain that we still have anything good left about us. If so, from where can we get the oomph to tell ourselves these positive thoughts?


The answer is, from our intellect. We can be very INTELLECTUAL, and decide that we will INTELLECTUALLY examine if we are completely worthless or not. If we do find something of value remaining within us, then we must INTELLECTUALLY ADMIT that it is true.
For example, Chaim has fallen 2000 times and feels that the point has come where he is absolutely dispicable in the eyes of Hashem. He begins to search within himself INTELLECTUALLY, to see if there is anything of virtue left within him. He discovers that although he fell 2000 times, he still davens 3 times each day. This is something of virtue. Chaim must make a note of this virtue and then continue the search. This one virtue alone will not nearly be sufficient to make his self image improve.


Next, Chaim ADMITS against his sad will that not only does he daven each day, but he puts on tefillin. True, the Yetzer Harah will tell Chaim that his tefillah is bereft of kavana and his tefillin does almost nothing. Therefore, Chaim must continue to search.
As Chaim continues, he discovers that as despicable as he thought he was, he ALSO has dozens of small virtues left to him. When this number of virtues grows to an impressive size, Chaim must be INTELLECTUALLY HONEST and willing to admit that he is not COMPLETELY evil.
Once he discovers that he is not COMPLETELY evil, there is room for hope.
This itself is only the beginning. By CONSISTENTLY doing this for several hours or days, he will begin to emerge from his self hatred. This INTELLECTUAL PERSUIT will end up changing the way that he FEELS. This method will NOT work in a few minutes. When we assume that it works in a few minutes, we will be let down and skeptical about continuing. We must not force ourselves to view anything, rather we must just follow this process gently and let the results come from God.R' Nachman adds (#[8]) that not only is this an intellectual process, but it can also be viewed as a striving for the truth. Someone who loves the truth and dislikes sheker should be able to see the whole picture, or the other parts of people or situations in life which are good as well.
There is an INcomplete list of many mitzvos we do every single day. Even the irreligious  Jew can identify with many of the things there.

5) The chazal say (Tanya, Sichos Haran) that the wicked are full of regrets. The fact that a sinner regrets his actions is highly to his credit. In that particular regard, he is like a tzaddik, wanting to get closer to God. We must also understand that most people who struggle with sexual sins as Jews have already expressed regret and repented on some level dozens of times throughout his life. Therefore, when the thought strikes someone that this is his 2000th time sinning in this area, it is not wholly accurate, since each individual time was interrupted by an act of tshuva either in shmoneh esray, privately, or on Yom Kippur. It is not one massive collective sin which is irreperable, since you have probably already taken many small steps in the tshuva process over the year.

6) Remember, all these points are just to show you that you are not COMPLETELY evil. You may not feel very ritcheous yet, but at least you can see that there is part of you that is still whole and loved by Hashem. Through this part of yourself, you can rebuild the rest.

7) The Tanya (Likutei Amarim ____) says that just like there are many levels of tzaddikim, from the 3 Avos, down to great people of today, there exist many levels of the sinners as well. For me, this was a huge breakthrough. We often sin and then identify ourselves as a rasha, allowing no room left for good within ourselves. This concept taught me that a person can be a very SMALL sinner, with many great mitzvos on the side. I AM a rasha when I do this sin, but only a SMALL one, since I do so many other great things towards God and man on the side. For me, this was one of the most liberating discoveries of my life.
This concept is aside from the fact that wearing this hat as a rasha is only temporary, until I do tshuva. The moment I tell God that I regret my actions and I follow the 3 steps of tshuva, I am no longer a rasha. It is true that tshuva will always remain, to be accomplished on higher levels (chatasi negdee tamid), but I am NOT a rasha (Tanya, Likutei Amarim ___).

8) The Gra (Even Shleimah 1, 8) says that for some people, it is naturally easy for them to serve God, because of the good traits that were given to them from birth/ a good nefesh.


These people are often considered by God wicked rashaim, since it is so easy for them to become great and they neglect those opportunities. The Gra says that God will give them their reward in this world, so as to run them out of the world to come. However, there are others  who were given by Hashem a bad nefesh, with which it is very difficult to do good, and who constantly struggle with the Yetzer Harah. The Gra says that for these people, God rewards them for every pain and baby step in their struggle with great reward, like it says "lifum tza'arah agrah." In addition, even if these people will sin, God will judge them "lifnim mishuras hadin", knowing full well how difficult it was for that person to have overcome his burning desire.


This Gra as well was key to helping me view myself as a good person, whom Hashem loved and appreciated. It taught me that God knows all my struggles, and the deepest thoughts inside of me of regret and yearning for greatness. In your memories, in the very moment of your lowest actions, God was well aware and understanding of your struggle. In that very moment, he understood and felt what you did.

This shows us how Hashem REALLY relates to us, and destroys this depressing FABRICATED picture of this relationship that stemmed from our feelings of worthlessness and guilt.

9) R' Nachman says (Meshivas Nefesh, page 1, 11) that even if a person feels completely severed from God, c"v, this is only how he EXPERIENCES it, but in REALITY it is not true. One of the fundamental ideas in Kabbalah is the concept of tzimtzum. It basically means that although Hashem permeates every part of creation (for if not, it could not exist) it is simultaneously true that the more that you descend in creation, the less you FEEL him.

Therefore, just like a prophet who has entered the state of Briyah can FEEL Hashem on a supreme level, while a tzaddik alive today with ruach hakodesh can experience Hashem only on a lower level, the same holds true for a regular Jew and a sinner. Since by lusting he has descended levels in creation, he therefore FEELS God less.
It therefore follows that we THINK that God has disowned us because that is how we FEEL, but it is not true in fact. We must therefore ignore this feeling and move forward, engaging in positive thinking and mitzvos, until we ascend back to a higher place in creation and are comfortably able to feel Hashem again in our lives.


This is likened to a person who shops on an empty stomach. Since he FEELS hungry, he buys more food than he really needs. In REALITY, he only needs the same amount of food that he buys every time. He must IGNORE the feeling of hunger and INTELLECTUALLY consider that he really only needs what he ALWAYS buys.

10) R' Nachman (Meshivas Nefesh 2) says that the main honor of God's greatness is that EVEN THOUGH a person has reached very low, Hashem still DESIRES him and his mitzvos.

Therefore, R' Nachman goes so far to say that not only should a person should not give up when feeling disowned, but to the contrary, it is because of him that Hashem's greatness is magnified so much and it makes a kiddush Hashem. Therefore, get moving and do tshuva and mitzvos, even if you don't feel like it. You will make a big kiddush Hashem. Don't worry, your feelings will return to you soon.

11) Say to yourself 100 times "Hashem wants me, Hashem loves me."


12) R' Nachman (Meshivas Nefesh 4) says another unbelievable yesod pertaining to this issue of sinning and self-image. The reaction that we have at a certain point in sinning is "Hashem hates me." R' Nachman asks the question that we must ask ourselves as "how do you know the rules and boundries of when God continues to love somebody and when he begins to hate him?" WE are the ones who make this decision, but we really do not have a clue to the answer of this question.


As a matter of fact, R' Nachman tells us that in actuality Hashem continues to love a person, no matter what, as long as the name "Jew" can still be said about him. If a person were to do avodah zarah davka to get Hashem angry, or violate the shabbos in the same manner, this topic of "does Hashem still love me" will pertain.

Since you did NOT commit any sin IN ORDER to anger Hashem, and you even regret your actions, it is obvious that God still loves you, and that your fears are not applicable AT ALL.
R' Nachman goes further (there) to say that Hashem loves each person with a hispa'arus prati, a particular pride. He does not have pride fromany other "Jew" in the world in the same way that he does from you. This idea is collosal. It means that no matter what level your'e on, as long as you are still called a Jew, no one in the world, not even the biggest tzaddikim, will ever be able to replace this particular love that Hashem has ONLY for you.
 

13) There is an idea in the Torah of "yeridah litzorech aliya", that ome must sin and go low before he can rebound to a new high level. R' Nachman (Meshivas Nefesh 5) says that this is what a person who feels self-hatred from sinning must think about; to understand that he can only go on in life and yiddishkeit by having this fall.


Now, he can only exploit this low level if he is willing to ignore his current place by not looking at it at all, and continuing to move forward.  It was only the fact that Lot's wife looked back that she became a lifeless pillar of salt. In the Navy Seals there is a song about a soldier who is being chased relentlessly through the jungle by the enemy. In the song, one of the lines are "for to stop is to die." Stopping and looking back is what gets people. Do not look at all at your current position; just keep moving. This idea is found in many sfarim; for example in Igros Da'as of R' Elya Weintraub, number 1.


By not looking backwards at your place at all, THIS IS what will eventually turn this fall into a great ascent.

14) In his sefer Meshivas Nefesh, R' Nachman pulls a trick on all of the readers. He says (#5) that as you read these concepts, you begin to agree that they all are true, but do not apply to you as you read them, since in your mind you have sunk lower than everybody else. To this, R' Nachman replies that all of these ideas DO apply, even to you.

When I read these ideas for the first time, I also thought that none of them apply to my dispicable level. The way that the printers of my edition arranged the book was that you read this self doubt on the very bottom of the page. For almost 1 half seconds, you actually think that none of these concepts apply to you. As you turn the page you continue in your folly until you read the very top of the new page, which brings a RELIEF to you and a smile.

15) R' Nachman says yet a different perspective to this struggle (there, 8). When a person sins and descends levels of kedusha to being a low person, he is depressed because he feels he has lost all of his HOLINESS.

To this, R' Nachman says that at that very time of being lower than before and impure, he should tell himself thatwhile he DID descend to the depths and he has lost much kedusha, he still retains the almost-irrevocable level of holiness which one carries just by being a Jew itself. With this vestige of holiness remaining in him, he can tell himself that he still is holy; he is simply not as holy as before.

Some of the greatest tzaddikim in history, among them the Ba'al Shem Tov himself, have employed this trick when they had felt as if they had hit bottom. Although the Ba'al Shem Tov and similar level tzaddikim never sinned in these areas, their Yetzer Harah still gave them feelings of self-doubt as if they had accomplished nothing signifacant in their lives.

Although this sounds rediculous, it was possible for these tzaddikim to  feel as if they had not nearly exerted themselves like they should have. Since all that concerned them was doing Hashem's will, it was TRAUMATIC and DEVASTATING to harbor such thoughts. It is recorded that these people of the loftiest heights also used this trick to lift themselves and return to hapiness and selfless dedication. If the Ba'al Shem Tov attained astronomically heigher heghts than you, and he pacified himself with this idea, you can manage it too

16) It is a gift to be able to forget our bad moments (R' Nachman, Sichos Haran/Chovos Halvavos). We must try to live in the present, and not in the guilt of our past sins and embarassing mistakes. This is why God gave us this gift of forgetting; in order to able to continue without accumulating guilt and self-worthlesness.
Initially, one must stare the truth of his actions in the face and accept complete defeat, and deal with his trauma in the concious.

It is not contradictory to forget our guilt while having undertaken these processes of healing. Feeling guilt and developing self awareness of our illness as addicts are two distinct things. If by staring at this truth you are feeling guilt, then you are not thinking properly. You do not have to continue to view yourself as scum, while at the same time you can accept that you have a chronic and compulsive behavior of porn and masturbation. If the very fact that you are addicted to lust is continuing to make you upset, then you need a new perspective of this lot in life. In the following paragraphs we will offer some new ways to view these struggles of sexual sobriety.