dear williard esq. ,
regarding the q u asked me in a pm, i thought it is appropriate to paste a letter i wrote
i wld like to post it here and not pm it, so that the other cowboys here can be choleik if need be and guide you to the right spot if i am off
i have come to see u r a good man, you will make it like kedusha said, and like eye said, shelfing it sounds good too, but in my opinion it is to be shelfed with the following program:
Dear friend,
1) Step one is that we cannot tell our wife anything about what happened. She cannot understand. The gemara says in megillah that the most threatening destructive force that one can lash onto a woman is the thought of jealousy that her husband has been with someone else. Telling her anything, ever, will cause destruction. Not only that, but she may then secretly go and cheat on her husband in return. This can be for two reasons:
one, because she is crushed, irepairably, and now needs something big to fill her emotional gap. Since she got hurt in the area of sex, she will want sex elsewhere to fill it up. When a woman has sex, it is in order to feel loved. When infidelity strikes, she needs to fill that love from somewhere else-since she thinks her husband no longer loves her. And medrash pirkei direbbo eliezer says that this need for love through sex is so powerful that a woman, even a good tzaddeikess, will sin with any man in the world in order to get it.
two, now that she feels her husband was not honest with her, she will no longer feel she has to be with him. Plus, its possible that out of jealousy she will sin with some one else to show him that she is in control of her own partners, and no one can take that from her; and that she will no longer be used by her husband, rather she will take that part of her life into her own hands.
Her trait of tznius, or love for you will never, ever be able to compete with the feeling of hatred and betrayal that she feels. We know from chazal that "ain miratzin ess ha'adam bisha'as ka'aso." When someoones angry, the seichel leaves and all barriers come down. tznius and virtues fly instantly out the window. "A person that is angry is as if he does avodah zara"-this is because an angry person will do WHATEVER THEY PLEASE as if God does not exist.
2) Amongst the 12 step program that is saving my life, there is a point where we make amends with whom we harmed. I claim no understanding of this. However, i would like to believe that this idea of making amends with those wronged is only when the victim is aware of your harm to them. Otherwise, the old dictum says, "what you dont know cant hurt you." The Pele Yoetz seems to hold this way, see erech ish/isha.
In hilchos lashon harah there was a machlokes between poskim, Chofetz Chaim and R' yisrael Salanter, if we tell the person that we spoke about what we said about them. If i recall correctly from sefer mishpatei hashalom, (eyin sham) we paskin that we do NOT tell the victim what we said, because they will be hurt EVEN THOUGH WE REALLY MEAN RIGHT NOW TO MAKE UP, and it will cause distruction, literally.
3)So now, we cannot tell her. We feel an urge to tell, so should we tell somebody?
Yes and no. We cannot tell anybody that can cause us harm with this information. In addition, telling a painting of Washinton crossing the Delaware will help, but not much. if we know who to tell to receive the maximum benefit, then that is the address we must go to. Telling a Rav sounds nice, and it may be. I think telling a person who is a sexaholic or who has done something of a similar nature is what is necessary.
I will tell you why you must tell a live person.
In order to grow from this experience the way God intended, you must squeeze out all of which you need from this story. To just do the three steps of tshuva and come to shacharis earlier and learn more each day, i do not believe that this is why God had you fly across the world to do a sin that is worthy of kannaim pogin bo or kares . If God just wanted you to do tshuva, he could have made you do another sin in your own home, like embarass somebody publicly at the shabbos table.
Hashem arranged this sin to happen. See tzidkas hatzaddik 40 and the long post Gaurd sent you earlier on.
So what did God want from this? just to say sorry?
I think he wanted from you what i felt he wanted from me-to figure out how to change my entire life. Not to become a chassid. I dont mean that (but its okay as long as it does not distract from the actual changes God wanted you to make).
I mean, and i quote hasefer hagadol, page 27 "to me these occurences are phenomena. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes that were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them."
This has very much to do with why we must tell a live person, and not just use cute screennames and websites. We must STARE THE UGLY FILTHY TRUTH IN THE FACE and fully feel, running through every single cell in our bodies I DID THIS ACT. I DID IT. VERY FEW JEWS IN THE WORLD DO THIS, BIT I DID. I REACHED THAT LEVEL. CALL IT A ONE TIME THING OR NOT, I DID WHAT IS NO DIFFERENT THAN A ONE TIME GOING TO CHURCH, KISSING A CROSS, AND GETTING BAPTISED. IT WAS ONLY ONE TIME, BUT THAT IS WHAT I DID.
Only by feeling this force of truth rush through your veins will you stand any chance of being motivated to make these changes. Otherwise, it will not happen. I told you in a previous post, when the bochur in the story in the ben ish chai's sefer slept with a zonah two times, he tried to commit suicide, not out of depression, but due to a sincere desire to make a change. He did not know how to make that change, so he wanted to show his real earnestness and sincerity by killing himself. And God appreciated it very very much, as the end of the story relates.
I too did this type of sin. By wearing the truth like a shirt, like Dov once said, and not just running through the 3 steps of tshuva and not making a change.
The mishna in taanis i mentioned in a post says that the elder of the town must tell the city who is fasting and repenting, that the posuk says that tore their hearts in tshuva, not their clothing. And THAT is what effects a real change.
To do this you must tell a live person. There is no other way. I told a live person too. I told a man who acted out with men. By telling him, i am reminded of what i have reached, and with the awareness i get from that, i live with it gently reminding me and pushing me forward to change ALL my ways of life, all day, to become a real person, till the last day of mine on earth.
______________
This answers your original question, because when we are REALLY WILLING to REALLY change EVERYTHING, then THAT is how i deal with what i did wrong. By living my entire life, and day, and every moment to correct who i was, and to affect that REAL CHanGE that God wanted me to get from this sin that I did.
I feel good. My wife doesnt know what she shouldnt. And i am benefitting her life and making amends this way by living a real new life of change. She benefits, and i feel satisfied that i am involved in what is asked of me by God, my wife, and most important, myself.
I am more important to myself than God, because if i do not care about my own self, to become a REAL PERSON, then i cannot possibly really care about my relationship and duties to God and my wife.
Most people make a mediocre change at best. They start to use a generator on shabbos and for two weeks they learn chovos halvavos. That will not effect a real change in anyone. The words that i quoted from the sefer hagadol page 27, are ingeniously precise, insightful, and guiding:
"to me these occurences are phenomena. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes that were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly cast to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them."
There is no bigger ba'al tashchis then to waste an aveirah of this magnitude. Please, i beg of you, live by this sin all the moments of the rest of your life, and God will-ing you will achieve that complete change that you were really supposed to, to benefit yourself, your family, and most importantly, to fulfill your duty to your creator.
I speak from experience. I am in no way fully successful yet of this real change, but i have many pieces in place and an earnest desire.
