Having this issue while married has lots of potential for ruining a marriage .
Most addictions can ruin a marriage . 
This one probably more so, being of such a sensitive nature.

Dear Brother,

Welcome to GYE and kudos to you for that commitment to work through this challenge.

I don’t have an answer to your first Q, nor will I answer your second Q directly…who has ever told its more important to stop this addiction before or after marriage? I never heard someone saying that, all I can tell you is that marriage doesn’t solve the problem so we gotta start working on yourselves NOW! Married or not.

Stick around brother, there’s a lot to learn.

Hi this is my first post here and I wanted to say that I have been struggling with pornography for quite some time now,and I have tried basically everything.But I will keep trying and use every tool on this website and everything I learned from the past to achieve 90 days. I also wanted to ask if I hashem has a wife for everyone, why doesn't he just give it to the person when he is suitable age, why does a person have to look and go through the trouble of finding a spouse. And also why is it important to stop this addiction before marriage?

azig wrote on 07 Jan 2024 21:55:

Did you decide your next action step to make this the best year?
Some suggestions:
- reach out to someone for accountability. 
- try the F2F course or the other GYE tools (see top menu)
- post often on this forum 

Probably the desire went away because of having done something that deep down you know is very wrong (you're words were rock bottom, correct me if I'm wrong). It may have triggered strong feelings of failure and perhaps even a mini depression of sorts. It happens on a small scale every time a person fails with p&m. That's usually when we ask ourselves, how did this happen again???

I would think that the greatest matanah is the diminished nisayon for now, it's a chance to rewire the brain and get rid of old habits. I would be very weary of the desire coming back at any moment and to be vigilant to build up a strong defense in the meantime.

One thing they teach alcoholics (so I've learned from AA members that I learn with - I'm not claiming anyone here is an addict of course), is that they need to avoid any form of temptation. Even things that are ok for healthy people, ie a l'chaim etc, is terrible for someone plagued with this sickness. I try this tactic as well when trying to guard my eyes on the street etc, that I am sick and any of this is very unhealthy for me even if ok for a "healthy" person (although I question if anyone is really 'healthy' when it comes to desire).
Others here feel this way about instagram and I couldn't agree more. I know it's hard to get rid of something you spend so much time on, it's like a part of you. Try deleting the app for a short period of time such as a week and you'll see that you have never been happier!

I've been struggling with this addiction since I was 13. I am now 42. I've had great days, weeks and months, but I always fail.  The worse feeling of all is when my wife found out. However, she has been very supportive in me overcoming this. I want 5748 to be my best year yet and I really need help. Help that my wife cannot supply.

I wanted to discuss the role psychedelics fit in my recovery. I want to add a bit of warning, but I believe the benefits far out way the risk so I don’t want to be overly cautious. It important to be aware of the risk and limitations so you can take the necessary steps to mitigate them. I did several years of research before I even considered trying it. It took me a long time to find a guide and took me many months before I actually went ahead and starting working with him. A good mashul is psychedelics are a very strong light in a dark forest. Theres a danger if you look at the light the wrong way it can blind you so you need an experienced person to guide you how properly use the light without getting harm. Once you get pass that the bright light shows the path you need to take to get out of the forest. If you just focus on how beautiful the light is without paying attention to the path you totally missed the point. If you attention, but don’t follow that path you also missed the point. Just because you see there’s a path out of forest doesn’t mean it’s easy and you won’t encounter thorns and other difficulties along the way or make a wrong turn somewhere. Integration is very important and psychedelics is not a short cut.

I want to explain what brought me to psychedelics and the role in my recovery. I had over a decade of working on recovery. I had a deep understanding of how my childhood impacted my SSA and addiction. Even still that did not  stop me. In fact some of my worst acting out happened after I had this understanding. I picked up many tools that I over the years that helped my deal with thought and feelings that caused me to act out. I was working with a therapist I was happy with and generally helped me stop the worst forms of acting out. But despite that every so often I would slip with masturbation and sometimes porn. For close to 30 years I used porn for escape and comfort and at the weakest moments I couldn’t get out of it no matter how hard I tried. I felt it was so ingrained in my brain. My intention was to get out of that pattern.

B”H it was very helpful. I feel like it reset my brain. It also brought everything together from the decade of work. Prior to the mushroom experience all my focus and energy was to not act out, shirmas enyamim was such a far out goal. B”H that’s now my main avodah. It also put together many of the psychological ideas I’ve been working in the past decade.

Another interesting effect is how ruchniyos has become so important to me. I little background… I grew modern/yeshvish, but developed an interest in Chasdius early on. During high school I was mesmerized by a book with stories of the Baal Shem Tov. After high school when I went to Eretz Yisroel to learn some of my biggest highlights was going to tishim and Chasdish davening. But I went to a litvish yeshivas and other than an occasionally learning a Chasdish Sefer or shuir it really wasn’t a main part of life. The process really began months before the mushroom experience… On my commute to work I decided to stop listening to the news instead listen to the shiruim of Rabbi Moshe Weinberger’s Yosef Hazadik Chabruah. Then I got a chabrusa on pinymus Hatorah. Then I started on Shabbos learning more chassidus. Then I had the mushroom experience and it just intensified this process. I can’t tell how many times I learn to a Torah or hear a shuir and it brought me tears. I wonder why I  didn’t hear these ideas years ago, but of course this is the rotzon Hashem it should be like this. As I shared I had a yirdia during the summer. Looking back It was because for various reasons I became lacks learning these things. Now I realize to not fall into the path of addiction and lust I must stay connected to ruchinyus everyday. It’s not optional it’s a must. In another post I’ll just seforim and mashpim that helped me.

In summation the mushrooms did 2 things. 1. Reset my brain and stop patterns I got stuck in. 2. Brought to the front stuff that was already there.

proudyungerman wrote on 03 Jan 2024 04:12:

Hi and welcome to GYE!
It's good to hear that you're really doing hard work to be on the right track!

Here are a few tips that have been repeated many times on this forum (so it's a sign that these things work) ...

CONNECT with someone. (I know you're doing this already)The opposite of addiction is not sobriety - it's CONNECTION. Addiction thrives on isolation! Find someone that you can share your pain and struggles with. And finally, have someone who can cheer you on and celebrate your both big and small wins with you!

Plan Ahead - Be proactive. As they say, "If you fail to plan - you plan to fail". The yetzer horah rarely tries to fight us when were doing well, he looks for opportunities when we're down and out or caught off guard. When we are tired, moody or stressed....

Take the journey one day at a time. You might have times of sheer elation, times of utter frustration and times of vulnerability when you’ll think that all your success might evaporate. Buckle up and get ready for the journey of a lifetime!

Don't become complacent; "I'm already in a good place, I don't need to be vigilant anymore". COMPLACENCY IS THE BEGINNING OF YOUR LAST CLEAN DAY. While this day can sometimes last a while, if we're complacent, it's just a matter of time before we get caught off guard.

Focus on the benefits of Kedusha. The struggle, then, is no longer between enjoying a certain pleasure and giving it up, but rather between choosing one pleasure in favour of another one. Sending ourselves positive messages and cultivating a positive attitude might be far more helpful.

ainshumyeiush wrote on 02 Jan 2024 20:53:

for me it was often some of the following

hashiveinu- thats what this all about becoming closer to Hashem and replacing this darkness with a the beauty of Hashem's torah and service (not really much by Slach lanu, because thats about forgiving the past and 1 i mainly was davening to change the future 2 i felt very weird asking to forgive for these inyanim when im still knee-deep (or maybe head deep) involved in it).

Reah na-  was a big one for me, fight this fight for me and redeem me from this plight, because i felt powerless to overcome it my self.
like facing a massive onslaught that he knows there's no way he can survive it.

Refaeinu- heal me from this sickness/addiction.
we daven for refuas haguf as well as refuas hanefesh.

vlamalshinim- at times, based on chasidishe explanation of מלכות הרשעה being a general reference to קליפה and we are Davening to remove the whole state of Tumah with its twisted reality from the world (and with that from my personal world).

Al Hatzadikim- not that im a tzaddik, but being as we are davening for the success and bracha for the "good guys" i have this feeling of please Hashem let me part of this, maybe ill be from the shleppers there but let me be there. ושים חלקנו עמהם

shma koilenu - self explanatory

redfaced wrote on 02 Jan 2024 21:25:

If I'm not mistaken, the Reishis Chochma says that the lashon of "Yeshua" refers to salvation of a spiritual sense - hence הושיענו ונושעה in רפאנו includes being healed from that sickness as well - I think about it there often. I also think about it at מלך עוזר ומושיע. The word yeshua helps me connect because it bespeaks the desperation and the utter powerlessness that I feel I need Hashem to save me from lust.

All of the other places work too and each has it's nuance - for me it depends on what strikes me that day - or whenever I space in....

davidt wrote on 13 Dec 2023 15:31:

hechochma wrote on 01 Jan 2024 04:14:

You are awesome!

Studies have shown that non-porn watchers have a slightly higher success rate at the treadmill.
Please be aware, however, that not-going-on-the-treadmill has been found in many studies to be a habit-forming, even addictive, activity. Along with not-jogging, not-weightlifting, and taking the elevator.

Keep soaring!

Haba ליטהר wrote on 01 Jan 2024 23:05:

confusing, can you clarify?!
"I've imagined and davened for it on many occasions, and that's what I want my life to look like" 
"I don't want to put in the time and effort to make it come true"
we all know life about putting in work אדם לעמל יולד!
what is it thats holding you back from starting to work? (you started just by being here on GYE, so your putting in time and effort)
did you totally give up?
cant imagen enjoying your wife?
addicted? "מה אעשה, שנפשי חשקה בעבירה"
no time?
theres a piece of the puzzle missing

As we say in Hebrew חחחחחחח

Wasted time, missed work deadlines, lost sleep,  lost spiritual growth, guilt, גיהנום, and then there are those weekends that friday and shabbat both get blown on one long binge of mast***

Rid of mast*** or porn (don't have any regularly available anyway) i would be a much accomplished wellrested and wholesome person. 

As an aside.... Anything i would be devistated do discover my kids are doing... Obviously negates my ETHICAL VALUES no matter how tempting it might be.

PS.   Been to phycologist for a very substantial period of time, been evaluated way to many times by too many seasoned professionals, and NO I AM NOT "ADDICTED" to porn/mast*** or s**.    Call it "recreational" use of something destructive

Hey everyone,

      Not sure where to begin so I guess I'll just jump in and give a you all the short version of my story. This might sound cliché, but I too am a regular member of a frum community, Husband, Father, Son, Businessman.   I've been struggling with porn and masturbation for most of my adult life. A few years ago I stumbled upon GYE and I was impressed. It gave me comfort on some level to know that I wasn't the only one fighting the struggle alone.  However, in retrospect it seems I wasn't ready to make the commitment. After a few weeks I went back to business as usual.

      B"H this year brought some changes to my life. I was going through an unrelated issue and fell into an undiagnosed bout of depression. Hashem always has a way in making sure we are in the right place at the right time. In my case it was a podcast that convinced me to join Daf Yomi. It was the first time I cracked a Gemara in more than 15 years. I did not think I would last more than a week but I just made a syum on my 4th mesechta! You are probably wondering why I'm rambling about unrelated topics. However it seems that I changed my life in reverse. First I brought in some kedusha by learning the daily daf, next came Davening 3 X daily with minyan which has been a struggle since my bar mitzva. Then Hashem pointed me to a friend who begged me to try learning a few minutes of  Emuna &  Bitochon daily (LIFE CHANGING!!!). My depression and bouts of anger practically disappeared. I was rarely watching any porn at this time.

      Then I heard about a couple who's marriage was in trouble due to porn/sex addiction. It was a close friend. For some reason this  really hit home. I finally got a hold of myself and realized that I must be the man I present myself as in public to my wife children and loved ones. I'm not saying that I haven't had a few minor setbacks. But I learned not to beat myself up about it. Each day is is a brand new opportunity for a new beginning and to connect with Hashem. 
          I am currently experiencing a level of peace and happiness that I never knew existed.