So I'm trudging down this road to 90 bezras Hashem and I can't believe I've made it this far... surprisingly though this last week has been extremely hard for me. I just always figured that as time goes on, this whole nisayon would get easier and eventually just go away. So I was surprised that I found myself struggling as of late. 

I reached out to BennyH who texted me some beautiful words of chizuk in my time of need and it really got me thinking. Maybe these ha'aros are pashut to everyone else but to me it was a real einfal. I'm going to share these here in order to make seder out of my thoughts and perhaps others will find it helpful as well. (sorry if this post is a bit long)

Here was the conversation:
Me: I'm struggling as of late, I feel like and I lost my cheishek and starting to slip and I don't know why.
Benny: We need to find the source of this. What's really going on in life? What's bothering you?
Me: You're actually right, lately I've been struggling with different stresses, chovos etc.
Benny: "Yes, I can relate... my finances are bothering me too, if I may share with u brother is that; first thing I need to know no matter what I do or don't do I'm under his control & guidance at each & every moment not I & not him or them or if the entire universe including tzadikim angles or tzadikim that past on, can not change an iota what my loving father in heaven decreed upon me I can't gain a single cent or loose a cent if it's not in plan, I have the choice to submit myself to this truth (1st Ani maamin) or I can choose to live in my ego state that I should of or I can change stuff.
Once I'm really clear I can move on to the next step by calmly trying to do what makes sense to increase my income but knowing that I don't have the power to get results, I just need to try as if I am doing something but in the end of each day remember I really did nothing it was only him and thank him if I saw results & if no results came up let it go cuz he has different & better plans
Really every single stress or negative voice I have is all דמיונות it just takes some work to see it there's only one creator and one power that's in control, my job is to try do my creator's will I think he would have me be"

I still need to to review the bitachon shmooze many more times, but here's what I chapped, I used to think that we act out because we have ta'ava and we can't control ourselves. Even though I know the idea that people tend to act our more when stressed, angry, depressed etc, regardless, the underlying issue is lack of self control.

This conversation got me to realize that the underlying issue is something else. Perhaps the word is 'comfort', we need to feel comfortable and when something is uncomfortable, maybe due to stress, anger, resentment, boredom etc we look to do things that will provide us with comfort. This is possiby in our DNA or maybe because of the way we were raised as babies, our mothers comforted us when we were in distress.

Now here is where we turn to ta'avos as we're hoping that it will provide us with the comfort that we seek. In reality of course, it just creates a very temporary distraction and nothing more. After the fact we're still just as distressed and now with a whole truckload of guilt and feelings of being a failure on top of it. In many cases the new feelings of discomfort can push a person to run away again to ta'avos to find reprieve and hence the addiction cycle begins.

I feel that understanding this is very important. When a person is struggling with urges he needs to look beyond self-control, something is bothering him and if he can look at the issue and realize that acting out isn't going to give him what he needs, and instead tries to find what can truly alleviate his discomfort, he can really fix the issue.

The greatest part of this conversation for me was seeing that ultimately this nisayon can bring a person to shlaimus in bitachon. It doesn't make sense to me that we struggle so much with this terrible nasayon and it's just an isolated area of our avodas Hashem. It must be that by fixing this area, a person is actually shteiging in all areas and becoming the person that he needs to become in this world. If someone can come to true emunah and bitachon as a result of going through this terrible nisayon, then maybe one day he can turn around and say gam zu l'tova, the nisayon was all worth it because it brought him to where he needs to be in life and without it he would have never gotten there.

Thank you for taking the time to read the gantza drasha. 

I am began to fall into Addiction and my road to recovery almost 8 years ago, strongly so for the last 2 and half years, but over the last 3 months and 17 days, I am have been basically lust free - miraculously from Above, my friends and my SA 12 Step Program. I would like to be able to help others more (my Step 12) which helps keep me strong and sober, one day at a time. I have been to Rehab twice (30 days each) but have found that I like the 12 Steps, mostly. It is working for me, when I work my program on a daily basis. I have tried to heal myself with just ruchnius, huge submersion into Torah, Tefilah, Musar, Inyanei Kedusha, but realize now that I also need the 12 Steps and Program, and grow through it every single day, so I feel. I have been able to synthesize it with Torah and Yiras Shomayim and like to help others now. Open for suggestions and comradery in my happy road to living in recovery. 
I am interested in hearing your thoughts and sharing our ups and downs and successes together. Progressive victory over lust. 

thanks for bringing up this book , i would like to hear from ppl here if they used that method , an found it helpfull for lust an masturbations ,fantasies .?? 
thanks 

bmgporn wrote on 20 Jan 2023 14:40:

I am NOT a sex addict!!!! I go to the grocerys and stare at girls. I want them!!!!!!!! My wife is cute but I still want other girls even if they are not nice.
what am i ? a normal MAN.
amazing stuff!!

What can be done?
learn תורה

keep shtieging,
cande

what is this?

Day 25
Still listening to this conversation. Long but fascinating. He says how addiction or acting out isn’t the problem it’s the solution meaning why r u acting out. It’s because I’m trying to cope with something or escape something. So the reason I act out is the solution I have for the deeper problems. Once you figure out what that is you can figure out the correct way to respond and then you won’t need to go to p and m. Can’t write it all here but I am starting to really try to stay aware and figure out why I went to this and what I can do to respond in a healthy way. 

Hey Chaim nice to meet you. It's funny you mention smoking because I smoked and vaped for close to ten years and was heavily addicted to nicotine, and about 7 months ago I quit cold turkey the first time I had a hergesh to quit  and haven't gone back
since.
Afterwords I thought that since I was able to give up nicotine so easily that I would be able to give up p&m as well. After all they're both addictions/bad habits. 

The same way I kept cigarettes and e cigs as far away from me as possible in the beginning, I should keep anything related to p&m as far away as possible. It was eye opening to me see that although there's so many similarities between the two in terms of the addiction and dependency aspects, quitting one was so much easier than quitting the other. (For me atleast). 

There's many plausible reasons as to  why this can be the case, but the one that I took a lesson from is the fact that the yetzer hara is at play when it comes to these inyanim. So no matter how illogical and irrational it is there will be a draw anyway. Mastering this fact is what I feel can equate the two for me. If I know and truly believe that it's the yetzer haras dumb game I may be able to IYH stay as free as I am from nicotine. 

Here are some thoughts on my mind right now. I have never really validated myself as an addict. Sure I know I am an addict. But I never forgave myself for it. Somewhere deep inside I looked down on myself for it.

It was like I thought- ME!? No. Making me an addict was Hashem's mistake. I am here to correct it and I am here because I an destined for much better things.

But the reality is, I'm not destined for anything. I am just here to try to make it for me and my family. And if I accomplish being sober it's the feet of my lifetime. 

 Hashem I need your help. I have failed so many times. I can only succeed if I believe in you to help me. I want to think about the fact that Hashem is the one good who unites us all. 

I had a work experience where I realized a work chaver was struggling. I never reached out of said anything. I should have. He is a guy much younger than me. It feels king of awkward. But overcoming that awkwardness may be what I need to do. For me. Not for anyone else. 

I'm back on GYE because I am lonely. I spent a long time away. At the end of the day all I worked on were my family relationships. And those are the only ones I really want to work on. BUt at this point I feel like I have to speak to more people. INcidentally, my relationships with my kids have improved in a lot of ways. 

Speaking of, my youngest just asked me for help so I need to go.  

Hi my name is Emmanuel, I am a non-jewish, I am a recovering sex-addict from Singapore, nice to meet you all everyone

Because I'd rather be checking GYE 90,000 times a day than checking out porn sites as many times.  (Addict Alert)

You may need to fortify your strategy and you may also need to reach out to people privately. Have you realized the situations, thoughts and emotions that precede your falls? Do you see a pattern? Are you addressing it? Also, are you taking the Flight to Freedom course and reading The Battle of the Generation? If you are doing all of the above it might keep you afloat until you return to the forum.

I left the forum for a few months because I was addicted to it. I found it very useful to journal instead of posting and share my journal with my psychologist until I was able to return to the forum but it was only because I also had people from GYE who reached out to me occasionally that I succeeded. If you reach out to people very often privately you might not have anything more than that to gain from journaling.

youknowwho wrote on 08 Feb 2024 18:29:

Great conversation. 
Welcome! 

I think there’s tremendous value in the attitude of “forward march!” And powering through tomorrow’s challenges with courage and foresight, be proactive about potential challenges. 

But YKW’s point is well taken. 
I’ll put it in a slightly different way. A wise guy (Ernest Hemingway) once said that you can’t get away from yourself by moving from one place to another. 

A lot of us who unfortunately find ourselves here unfortunately have(/had) developed patterns where various emotional or psychological triggers lead us into situations where we want to use the destructive behaviors. To numb, or escape, or comfort, or regulate or whatever. 

Part of getting away from the behaviors is often involves a brutally honest assessment about when and how do I turn to this stuff and why. And figuring out how to deal with me so the I will no longer make those choices…. 

But it all starts with staying clean today.

We each gotta find what works for us. But it’s good to be walking this road together with others. It’s far less lonesome. 

Stick around, brother
wishing you well, 
Chaim 

Hi Seekertooth, welcome, welcome!!

Thank you for bringing up this important discussion

I think perhaps there's no black and white answer to your question. For some, plowing ahead with a variety of useful tools can indeed suffice.

For many here who have reached more intense levels of addiction/entrenchment, things usually run deeper. And while one may break free of destructive behaviors by simply forging ahead, so to speak, ultimately those emotions that led him to numb/escape in the first place will eventually rear its ugly head.

​And that's when the fun starts...learning how to deal with those emotional triggers in an honest, healthy, vulnerable way. 

It's really a spectrum, (how deeply you were entrenched in these behaviors and why) and where you see yourself on that spectrum.

I hope you have much hatzlacha!!

chancy wrote on 07 Feb 2024 17:27:

Good stuff. 
Welcome. You are thoughtful, determined, and realistic. You want to change. 
The lust of isn’t what you want, even though it feels like it sometimes. 

It’s good to track it, what are the patterns that have lead you to use in the past? What happened before and after the last few falls. 

Guys like you, and with greater challenges, have broken free.
Hope lives here. 

Here are my best wishes, and a warm hand, 
Chaim Oigen 

Hello,
Welcome to GYE! You have made the right choice in coming here. 
Many of us went thru similar situations like yourself, some easier and some harder. But a lot of people here can attest that the first glimmer of hope and the first thing that started working for them was joining GYE. 
What I would ask myself is this. 

How badly do I want to quit? How much damage is being done to me by continuing to do this? think long and hard about this, make a list write down EVERYTHING you can think of why you want to quit. 

Next, ask yourself, so why am i not quitting? What would mean quitting for you? no Porn, no erection, no masturbation? Everyone has an initial goal where they wanna be in the near future. Once you reach that goal you can move up. But first where are you struggling now? 

For me, it helped that once i was clear that I want to quit very badly, I saw that the reason im not is that my mind is simply addicted and used to the pleasure of it, but that can be fixed, by knowing that its just something that the mind/body wants but not YOU, it gets easier to separate yourself from the lust. This is called diffusion, look up this tool if you think this makes sense. 

Good luck
If you want to hear more, you can email me chancygye@outlook.com