Welcome to a wonderful place, my friend! There's lots to learn here, so please stick around. Make yourself comfortable, read around, and make friends that pick you up. 
P.s. Who decided you're an addict? MAybe you just have strong bad habits that you haven't learned the tools to control? Not challenging, just asking:)

I'm 43, married with 4 kids, and I have an addiction to P & M, going back to adolescence.  No need to spare you the story.  I'm a BT but this problem has never gone away with my otherwise life-altering religious journey.  I felt guilty before and now as well.  The time wasted, and the growing inability to see any female without impure thoughts.

No web filter will ever work for me because I'm an addict.  I can get past them all.  Nothing can shield me from public images or simply a human female that passes by.  I even tried nedarim, but I started breaking them after a year.  I need a new approach.

Addiction can't be beat without accountability.  Nobody knows about my problem to my knowledge but Hashem.  So this is my start.  I intend to post updates here regularly.  And if I don't, please hound me!

(I chose the name Anu_rayasecha, which means "we are your friend," referring to Hashem, from YK davening.  It brings me to tears when reciting it, to know that Hashem can be so close to us on that one day, and yet I will soon enough fall from that spiritual height and throw away a relationship with the Ribono Shel Olam.)

A Freilechen Adar to all!! After lurking on GYE for awhile, noshing on some of what it has to offer, I finally feel it's the right time to get involved in posting. For starters, I decided to post  primarily because I feel that if one guy in my situation chances upon this thread and realizes there is hope and is not the only one in this situation and gets inspired to change it is already worth it. Additionally, I now have come to understand the importance of having a "chevra". Having people to talk/chat with, those that have gone through similar struggles, and hearing their story and how they are powering(/powered) forward, isn't just a "maalah" for me in dealing with my own struggle, rather I feel it is a necessity (at least for me) to surmount this seemingly impossible challenge. That being said, there is no better way in reaching out to the chevra than here. I welcome all to reach out to me, not that I can offer assistance rather I would appreciate getting to know some (who were) in my situation so we can trek through this journey together. 

So here goes.... I am a married yungerman in my 20s living the dream in Eretz Yisroel learning three sedorim a day, My journey started out at about age 11 or 12 when I noticed the attraction that I had towards females. Whether it would be neighbors, relatives, or even random people I encountered there was just some draw. Obviously, I didn't know what to make of it besides for just acknowledging the aforementioned as a fact of life that had a good feeling to it. As my body matured, so did this desire of pleasure develop. Next stage was taking in those unsolicited advertisement circulars (a real shame those signs stating that it's unlawful weren't around yet lol) searching for all the "sales" in the stores I never knew existed, hoping to catch a sight of a partially or mostly naked woman. During my high school years it was more of the same, balancing being the top of my class and making sure I can appease the other side of myself every so often. I felt (notice the past tense here) that I had this urge stronger than anyone in my class and in fact probably anyone I knew (didn't we all?) and my method of coping was just shelving it to one side of my brain knowing it was assur and I'll pay for it one day but  just thinking I cant help myself. I fully delved myself  (or so I thought) into learning as a distraction to this uncomfortable feeling; living with this ever present subconscious (at times not so sub) weight of guilt, shame, and other feelings including living a fake reality. Just to clarify, I wasn't masturbating daily and most times not even weekly but I definitely had a hard time with my wandering eyes in the streets, especially during the hotter months. Although it wasn't noticeable on the outside I definitely was living a guarded life, not just living calmly and relaxed. It was more of the same for me when I went to Beis Medrash (yes it was that one) just keeping it all inside me as I continued just being one of the guys. Bein hazmanim I managed to use devices from my parents to get my fix, of course just kosher YouTube clips, like talent shows and game shows, as if I was into those cute dogs or cool card tricks and not the contestants or judges.... Moving on to E"Y (of course  coming from which B"M I went to it's not even a question where I went) it was a new place but same results. I just resigned myself to the fact that I'll probably live with this struggle forever and just can't get bogged down from it. I conveniently trained myself to put all these feelings on autoignore. I actually never watched porn until I was in E"Y when I unfortunately had access for a limited time. Being opened up to that new dimension definitely magnified my feelings as I never felt more guilty and twofaced after allowing myself to indulge in that. As I've written numerous times already (even in this one post) my automatic coping method was just forcing myself to shove my feelings into a compartment in my brain and just carry on regular life. "Of course marriage will heal this issue", I thought, as after all I wont need to search anywhere else to get satisfaction. B"h I got married to this wonderful girl "ala maalos" and kudos to her she is hands down the only reason why I am where I am today (which is on the way to recovery) but I am getting a bit ahead of myself. Shana Reshona was bliss! Definitely took R' Pitter's (yes I was "not yeshivish" enough to go to him)  mehalech to the max ("vehameivan yavin"). I thought that maybe just maybe I was all clear. Alas, it was not meant to be. Shortly after our second anniversary (and first child) my wife got sick. B"H it's in the rear view mirror now but it definitely was a huge stress running from Dr. to Dr. and from this hospital to the other. It was then that my struggle came back to haunt me. We had an iPhone just for my wife's job and it was basically sitting useless so I started playing around with it a bit. It had google restrictions on it so was basically blocked. I still managed to find some apps that had access to videos or clips of women but nothing too bad. Eventually, I found some loophole (b"h it took me that long to find) that gave me unlimited access. I started with the basics I guess but eventually my draw was to chat with other girls on an online site. Maybe more on that a different time and what my therapist says about that. It definitely took a big toll on my marriage as my wife had sensed something was off but just couldn't put her finger on it. Thankfully after a while of spending nights staying up "learning" after my wife went to sleep, and "napping" during bein hasdarim, spending hours upon hours chatting (mostly with one girl) I was caught!!! Looking back (it's around 8-9 months now) it was the best thing that could've happen. First step was we spoke to our rav together (side note: it is extremely important to have someone in your life that can guide you, not necessarily a rav). Honestly, I wasn't  fully open with him so he just prescribed the basic dose of filtering all devices and learning some seforim on the "inyan". I was basically whiteknuckling my way through life and eventually figured out  a way to continue contacting her albeit on a drastically reduced scale. Finally, I was caught again and was given the ultimatum either I find a way to get helped or......... So I began to see a therapist weekly and life was sort of getting back in order. One day maybe I'll get into the "yesod" that he thinks is the basis of my struggle. Either way, I was going religiously for awhile and my wife also bought in to my work and our relationship was definitely on the mend. Life back to normal? Not so fast! After a few months the bubble sort of popped and my wife was not managing. She didn't know why really but she just wasn't herself. After going to the rebbitzen to speak over her feelings it was decided that she would also begin seeing a therapist. That is when it all unraveled! Her therapist decided that I must be an addict and anything less than going to the 12 steps was just simply a waste of time and money. Additionally, she started to go to SA-NON because that was the "only" thing that can possibly help her. Those meetings definitely exposed her to things that were totally unnecessary for her to ever find out about. My therapist is convinced that  his method can be just as effective for me and  was unwavering in his approach. As you can probably imagine this caused a tremendous distance between us in our relationship and we went through a really rough time. This was the hardest time in my life. I decided something must be done so when all else fails you turn to GYE! I Want to give a shoutout to IWANNALIVEREAL who texted me literally the first day I signed up and I just let his text gather dust until then. We schmoozed for awhile and he gave me someone on my time zone to speak with. R' Yiftach as some of you might know, a champion in his own right, helped me tremendously even just for the fact that we're in similar positions in life and can relate to each other. The chain continues and I was introduced to a "malach" who's living in our midst HHM. I think he is in everyone's time zone as there's never a time I cant call. It's not only that he's available for me he is also there for my wife as we have both spoken numerous times already and we truly feel as there is someone that is taking care of "our" journey as if we are his only case. More than this is that we just feel his genuine care and compassion towards us and it is truly heartwarming. I definitely have my eyes on a few more people here that i plan on reaching out to in the coming days. I feel as if I have already written too much of a longwinded introduction to my struggle so ill sign off for now but I want to leave off with an important message. The mere fact that I have people to talk to about my struggle and during an urge, is simply mind-blowing as to how far it goes in being able to withstand the temptations. I'm not here to give any ideas or opinions on how to navigate your struggle but one thing I am definitely qualified for is this. I'm pleading with all those struggling out there who feel lost and alone please gather the courage to text or call someone you feel you can relate to here as you have no idea how far you can get to with someone else giving you their hand or even just a loving hug. So long for now.
-Yaakov from Yerushalaim (#onthewaybackhome)   

מן המצר קראתי י-ה.
From the depths of my addiction I call to you Hashem. I see no way out. I've tried so hard and I just can't stop.
ענני במרחב י-ה
Hashem answered me and showed me I'm not stuck. There are tools, tricks, and plans I can use. There's a way out of this mess and a light at the end of the tunnel. 
ה לי לא אירא. מה יעשה לי אדם
Yetzer hara thinks he's got me, but I'm not scared. Hashem is going to help me and I'll never fall again.
 ה לי בעוזרי. ואני אראה בשנאי
Hashem is going to help me, and I will be victorious over the yetzer hara, over the porn that's shackled me down. I will see their defeat!
: טוב לחסות בה'. מבטח באדם טוב לחסות בה'. מבטח בנדיבים:
(this line I associate with other matters, namely parnasa. But it can be applied to this line of thinking too)
כל גוים סבבוני. בשם ה כי אמילם:
All my plans aren't working. My hard learnt techniques are failing. Hashem! help me and I will win this.
סבוני גם סבבוני. בשם ה כי אמילם
It's not getting any easier. Why isn't it getting easier?? Hashem it's  so hard. Please. help me. I will win this with your help! 
סבוני כדבורים. דעכו כאש קוצים. בשם ה כי אמילם:
Hashem I'm burning with desire! I feel it in my bones, more real to me than anything else. It's tearing at me - I can't sleep I can't relax I can't distract myself I can't do anything please please hashem help me. why won't it stop
דחה דחיתני לנפל
  -I can't. I'm going to fall -

this is where I'm holding now.

Now we turn to the future that will come and speak in the prophetic tense - recognizing the inevitable future..
. וה' עזרני:
Hashem saved me.
עזי וזמרת י-ה. ויהי לי לישועה:
Now life is beautiful. Now I sit, with peace and sing the songs of redemption.
קול רנה וישועה באהלי צדיקים. ימין ה עשה חיל: ימין ה רוממה. ימין ה עשה חיל:
In my house the sounds of artificial pleasure are not heard anymore. Now is the sound of redemption and rejoicing. Hashem lifts me up. And up. And up. over all my problems and enemies.
 לא אמות כי אחיה. ואספר מעשי י-ה
I have a life now 
 יסור יסרני י-ה. ולמות לא נתנני:
It's so tough. It hurts so much. I'm losing so many battles, but I will never lose the war
פתחו לי שערי צדק.
Now! Open up you gates of righteousness. Open up gates of gan eden. Stand to the side tzadakim and righteous people and make way for me, I'm coming through with my head held high. I belong here and I am worthy!y
אבא בם אודה י-ה:
I will come through to praise hashem for saving me from this tzar.
זה השער לה'. צדיקים יבאו בו:
This is the gate of hashem. Only the righteous may come through it. And I am walking through it soon.

Even a small step in the right direction is still a step in the right direction.

B"H things are going well, no crazy struggles just the usual day to day. Looking forward to purim and hopefully some purity beyond.
I have started to work on the mindset that people have different struggles. That's the way Hashem made it, people have different situations with varying sets of challenges. In my situation with the upbringing, which had nothing against watching movies and many of them inappropriate (not porn but it definitely paved the road) and my friends growing up all of whom were openly involved in P and M, and my exposure of having a smartphone and being hooked on porn for so long, it is very normal that I have a large struggle to break free. But... this doesn't mean that everyone around me went through the same upbringing, had the same group of friends, and had the same exposure. And for people who didn't it may be very normal for them not to have such a difficult time breaking away and not looking at women in the streets and not thinking about sex every five seconds.
And thats ok.
Because I am who Hashem made me, I was put in these situations by Hashem and He handcrafted my nisyonos for me.
Basically for myself all I need in normalizing the struggle is to know that I'm normal, even if most other people didn't go through my situation and therefore don't have the same sets of challenges that I do. This mindset makes it a lot easier to walk around yeshiva and accept that not every guy I talk to is addicted to pornography. Even if they were exposed to it before, it's very possible they had an easier time breaking out, or maybe they were never exposed to real porn *gasp* (Is that even possible ?!?).
I hope this is helpful for others who have found themselves in similar situations.
May Hashem continue to guide us across this minefield of a world in which He put us.

Do you think it’s easier to stop when you have a wife?

At this point, I’m not ashamed of my habit because I know so many people have it. And if they aren’t watching it, then they probably have some other thing they need to deal with. I’ve even talked to some of my female friends about it and offhand conversations.

The reason I’d come back to it is because I crave love. I don’t come from an orthodox background, but identify with a struggle.

I think it’s good that you told her. If she’s super just, mentally, you have to explain to her that it’s incredibly common these days. For every girl who develops body image problems because of social media, a guy develops a port addiction.

chancy wrote on 07 Mar 2024 19:40:

There is of course a lot to say about this. I don't think the reality is that in long term recovery you will never or even almost never have a fantasy or thought of lust after being where we have been in our past. Rather, lustful thoughts and fantasies will likely enter our minds on occasion still (certainly a lot less frequently than before, though), and I think a lot of recovery for me has been reprogramming how I react to these occasional thoughts of lust in the immediate few moments of their entering my consciousness. When I first started my recovery and was still in the throes of addiction, the entrance of a lustful thought into my brain meant that I was "doomed to masturbate because I have no choice now, it's inevitable, there's a thought of lust in my head, I have to masturbate at one point or another now so I may as well get it over with now." This, of course, is patently absurd to the recovered mind. There is nothing farther from the truth. This is classic addictive thinking. You absolutely NEVER "HAVE to masturbate." That is what we are convinced of, though, בשעת addiction. Now, though, 909 days into recovery, when a thought of lust enters my stream of thoughts, I usually have the maturity and experience to realize that this is nothing more than a thought. I can usually genuinely and calmly think to myself, "Huh, okay. That's a lustful thought. Anyway, I have things to do now. Let's move on.", and I just let myself move on without forcing the thought away and without checking to see if the thought is still there five minutes later. I simply let my mind relax and move on. It was by no means always this easy for me to move on from such thoughts. But this is ultimately central to success. The more you can relax the mind and simply let yourself slip into your next productive activity, the better off you will be.
There is really so much to say here and I don't have the ability to write down much more write now. This is a start. Please let me know if this was helpful for you and if you would like me to elaborate on something more.
I really wish for you the best. May Hashem help us all in our continued recovery.

Day 909:
Baruch Hashem, I'm still shteiging! Thank you, Hashem, for helping me to beat this addiction for 909 days and counting using all of the tools that you have endowed me with to do so and thank you to my friends here on GYE for your continued support! I have been soaring in my Avodas Hashem over the past several months and have attained new heights in my learning and davening, among other great new developments in life.

Remember that lust and fantasy are the root of the whole addiction. If you slaughter the root cause, the entire snake will die. If you just attack the symptoms, you are setting yourself up for failure.

You are not alone. I started my active addiction in my mid 50's, seven years ago, when I was really feeling down about my life situation. But Baruch Hashem, I am doing really fantastic now, thanks to Hashem and my program of recovery. It is working for me. I a happy to share more if you are interested. 

I asked AI and here’s the answer generated

“Halacha, Jewish law, has not specifically addressed AI-generated content, as it is a relatively recent development. However, the Jewish perspective on pornography is that it is considered inappropriate and harmful, as it objectifies individuals and can lead to addiction and negative consequences.

In terms of AI-generated content, it would likely be evaluated based on its content and intent. If the content is sexually explicit or objectifying, it would likely be considered inappropriate according to Jewish law. However, if the content is educational, artistic, or has a positive purpose, it may be viewed differently.

Ultimately, the Jewish perspective on AI-generated content would depend on the specific context and application, and would likely require ongoing discussion and interpretation by Jewish scholars and authorities”

OivedElokim wrote on 05 Mar 2024 16:54:

Hi Oived, so good to see your post!!

A long time ago, I read your thread with intense, avid interest and related to so much of it. Raw and honest, you beautifully articulate your struggles with porn and masturbation under the backdrop of grappling with your religious identity. 

So here's a warm and hearty welcome back!

I bolded part of your post because I relate to that very much as well. I figured I'd share with you that I kinda think the same way...and have nevertheless stayed (after deleting one username for a similar reason) and gleaned the benefits of friendship, support and continued inspiration in dealing with these struggles while carefully choosing between healing from addictive, destructive behaviors and ideals related to Halachic interpretation/hashkafa.

It takes introspection and knowing that for myself, this is where I draw the line of what I feel is healthy for me. Take the wheat and discard (what is our own personal) chaff.  

Looking forward to hearing your articulate pearls of wisdom, regardless of your religious situation.

Warmly,
- Youknowwho

Neglect and Entitlement: The Connection

Little Johnny grew up without any rules or consequences as a young boy.  He could practically do whatever he wanted while his parents were busy working.  He was always told he was a “good boy” and grew up feeling privileged and entitled to do whatever he wanted.
Modern addiction theory is that emotional, physical or sexual trauma can be a precursor for addiction. How does entitlement, without seemingly any trauma cause addiction?
The idea is that having no boundaries for your children and letting them do whatever they want, whenever they want, without consequences, is a form of neglect.   According to Karen Michie of Karen Michie Counseling, “Even if someone has not experienced much in the way of obvious trauma, sometimes it's not so much what happened "to them" as it is what didn't happen "for them" that lays the groundwork for addiction. Children need attunement, nurturing, the right to be vulnerable, healthy boundaries, and the right to be authentic.”  

According to Dr. Kate Balestrieri, CST, CSAT-S, PACT-II, EMDR, TSY, founder of Modern Intimacy, “False empowerment is a form of trauma (neglect of appropriate emotional and behavioral boundary setting and the opportunity for humility and boredom), and so it feels especially insidious, because the trauma is not always perceived as trauma, because it felt so good to be privileged. The constant onslaught of "You’re great!” without any negative consequences sets the state for an incredibly fragile ego, and poor distress tolerance, hence the reason to jump into more conquesting/intensity to drown out the reality (and terror) of a person’s mediocrity. 
Addicts act out on “bad days” when they have negative feelings and their needs are not being met.  They also act out on “good days” to celebrate their success.  But to the addict, “things going well” can be overwhelming, according to Kelly McDaniel, author of Ready to Heal. “It’s a terrible irony, ANY feelings cause a desire to dissociate because it’s TOO real.”  People feel they don’t deserve success, so they screw it up by giving in to the fear with drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, food and excitement.
The hunt for the person, behavior or substance that will alleviate the fear is what becomes most important.  As Dr. Patrick Carnes says in his book, Recovery Zone, “Without the self- certainty that comes with deep attachment within the family, addiction becomes a refuge for the anxiety one feels about being unacceptable to others.  If you don’t trust others, alcohol, drugs, sex, food and excitement will deliver on their promise.  The addict starts to have a relationship with the object of their hunt and their real partners don’t seem real anymore.  What is real is the hunt, the risk and the behavior.”

Acting out in addiction comes from not having our needs met, not feeling like a priority in our primary relationship and looking to others to fill up the need for attention, attachment and intensity.  What’s missing is the addict’s inability to be vulnerable enough to be intimate in his primary relationship because he’s focused on the intensity of the hunt.

notezy wrote on 03 Mar 2024 15:26:

I haven't watched it in a few months and I have no reason to do so. I often tell people on GYE to watch it because I noticed that there are people who have been on GYE for years and are still stuck but they never did the program. I think it is underutilized.

yitzchokm wrote on 03 Mar 2024 15:09:

Sounds like your addicted to the F2F program maybe you should do it a 3rd time to quit that
P.S. Make sure you do all the exercises 

I was addicted to the forum at one point and I used the F2F program to overcome it. I went through the program from the beginning a second time and substituted social media for porn wherever porn was mentioned and I substituted connection for the red heart. It was ironic but it worked. I suggest that you do the same, only substitute vaping for porn. The opposite of addiction is connection, not sobriety, so it should work. You should do all the exercises as well.