Hey Chaim nice to meet you. It's funny you mention smoking because I smoked and vaped for close to ten years and was heavily addicted to nicotine, and about 7 months ago I quit cold turkey the first time I had a hergesh to quit  and haven't gone back
since.
Afterwords I thought that since I was able to give up nicotine so easily that I would be able to give up p&m as well. After all they're both addictions/bad habits. 

The same way I kept cigarettes and e cigs as far away from me as possible in the beginning, I should keep anything related to p&m as far away as possible. It was eye opening to me see that although there's so many similarities between the two in terms of the addiction and dependency aspects, quitting one was so much easier than quitting the other. (For me atleast). 

There's many plausible reasons as to  why this can be the case, but the one that I took a lesson from is the fact that the yetzer hara is at play when it comes to these inyanim. So no matter how illogical and irrational it is there will be a draw anyway. Mastering this fact is what I feel can equate the two for me. If I know and truly believe that it's the yetzer haras dumb game I may be able to IYH stay as free as I am from nicotine. 

Here are some thoughts on my mind right now. I have never really validated myself as an addict. Sure I know I am an addict. But I never forgave myself for it. Somewhere deep inside I looked down on myself for it.

It was like I thought- ME!? No. Making me an addict was Hashem's mistake. I am here to correct it and I am here because I an destined for much better things.

But the reality is, I'm not destined for anything. I am just here to try to make it for me and my family. And if I accomplish being sober it's the feet of my lifetime. 

 Hashem I need your help. I have failed so many times. I can only succeed if I believe in you to help me. I want to think about the fact that Hashem is the one good who unites us all. 

I had a work experience where I realized a work chaver was struggling. I never reached out of said anything. I should have. He is a guy much younger than me. It feels king of awkward. But overcoming that awkwardness may be what I need to do. For me. Not for anyone else. 

I'm back on GYE because I am lonely. I spent a long time away. At the end of the day all I worked on were my family relationships. And those are the only ones I really want to work on. BUt at this point I feel like I have to speak to more people. INcidentally, my relationships with my kids have improved in a lot of ways. 

Speaking of, my youngest just asked me for help so I need to go.  

Because I'd rather be checking GYE 90,000 times a day than checking out porn sites as many times.  (Addict Alert)

You may need to fortify your strategy and you may also need to reach out to people privately. Have you realized the situations, thoughts and emotions that precede your falls? Do you see a pattern? Are you addressing it? Also, are you taking the Flight to Freedom course and reading The Battle of the Generation? If you are doing all of the above it might keep you afloat until you return to the forum.

I left the forum for a few months because I was addicted to it. I found it very useful to journal instead of posting and share my journal with my psychologist until I was able to return to the forum but it was only because I also had people from GYE who reached out to me occasionally that I succeeded. If you reach out to people very often privately you might not have anything more than that to gain from journaling.

youknowwho wrote on 08 Feb 2024 18:29:

Great conversation. 
Welcome! 

I think there’s tremendous value in the attitude of “forward march!” And powering through tomorrow’s challenges with courage and foresight, be proactive about potential challenges. 

But YKW’s point is well taken. 
I’ll put it in a slightly different way. A wise guy (Ernest Hemingway) once said that you can’t get away from yourself by moving from one place to another. 

A lot of us who unfortunately find ourselves here unfortunately have(/had) developed patterns where various emotional or psychological triggers lead us into situations where we want to use the destructive behaviors. To numb, or escape, or comfort, or regulate or whatever. 

Part of getting away from the behaviors is often involves a brutally honest assessment about when and how do I turn to this stuff and why. And figuring out how to deal with me so the I will no longer make those choices…. 

But it all starts with staying clean today.

We each gotta find what works for us. But it’s good to be walking this road together with others. It’s far less lonesome. 

Stick around, brother
wishing you well, 
Chaim 

Hi Seekertooth, welcome, welcome!!

Thank you for bringing up this important discussion

I think perhaps there's no black and white answer to your question. For some, plowing ahead with a variety of useful tools can indeed suffice.

For many here who have reached more intense levels of addiction/entrenchment, things usually run deeper. And while one may break free of destructive behaviors by simply forging ahead, so to speak, ultimately those emotions that led him to numb/escape in the first place will eventually rear its ugly head.

​And that's when the fun starts...learning how to deal with those emotional triggers in an honest, healthy, vulnerable way. 

It's really a spectrum, (how deeply you were entrenched in these behaviors and why) and where you see yourself on that spectrum.

I hope you have much hatzlacha!!

chancy wrote on 07 Feb 2024 17:27:

Good stuff. 
Welcome. You are thoughtful, determined, and realistic. You want to change. 
The lust of isn’t what you want, even though it feels like it sometimes. 

It’s good to track it, what are the patterns that have lead you to use in the past? What happened before and after the last few falls. 

Guys like you, and with greater challenges, have broken free.
Hope lives here. 

Here are my best wishes, and a warm hand, 
Chaim Oigen 

Hello,
Welcome to GYE! You have made the right choice in coming here. 
Many of us went thru similar situations like yourself, some easier and some harder. But a lot of people here can attest that the first glimmer of hope and the first thing that started working for them was joining GYE. 
What I would ask myself is this. 

How badly do I want to quit? How much damage is being done to me by continuing to do this? think long and hard about this, make a list write down EVERYTHING you can think of why you want to quit. 

Next, ask yourself, so why am i not quitting? What would mean quitting for you? no Porn, no erection, no masturbation? Everyone has an initial goal where they wanna be in the near future. Once you reach that goal you can move up. But first where are you struggling now? 

For me, it helped that once i was clear that I want to quit very badly, I saw that the reason im not is that my mind is simply addicted and used to the pleasure of it, but that can be fixed, by knowing that its just something that the mind/body wants but not YOU, it gets easier to separate yourself from the lust. This is called diffusion, look up this tool if you think this makes sense. 

Good luck
If you want to hear more, you can email me chancygye@outlook.com

Why did I come to GYE, and what am I expecting?

After struggling most of my life, after having my struggles take a turn for the worse in the last 18 monts, at the same time as my life became a lot more meaningful, I started to take my lust acting out a lot more seriously and took myself by the hand. I was talking to a mentor throughout (who at first was not convinced I was an addict). I started with nedarim, which worked until they didn't. I came to GYE, I having only a vague idea of what to expect, because I knew it was 'the next step up' to addressing my struggle. I started with watching the Flight to Freedom videos, which I don't think had more than a limited effect.

Another thing I thought I'd find on GYE was someone I could reach out and talk to to guide me through, which I have done, and I think this is the biggest aspect of my progress since joining. I'm still undecided about posting on the forum.

I'm an addict, and I MUST stop. I'm grateful for any and all advice, perspective and criticism from anyone who has been there and b"h done that.

AlwaysHappyAlwaysHopeful wrote on 05 Feb 2024 16:35:


Can you please share how you were able to be super clean for almost 3 months?

Thanks so much for sharing!

I have been struggling, up and down, for 7 years now. I have gone through lots of challenges in life but they are ultimately excuses to find some kind of immediate gratification, to "numb" my pains. However, I am working a really good program of recovery now, up and more up for over two years. And super clean for almost 3 months. But the challenges of addiction and feeling of powerless over my desires, lust and wanting to connect are stronger than I am. But Hashem, is giving me the strength, one day at a time. I wish to connect with others and share my message of recovery, strength and hope - for my benefit, especially, as well as yours. 

adam2014 wrote on 30 Jan 2024 10:44:

Totally relate to this feeling

It could be related to perfectionism/all or nothing that is often found in adhd's & addicts

​for me I was squishing my conscience to deal with the pain of having cheated on my wife and that was numbing my avodas H. all round too
Once I could face my SH** [don't know how to say that forcefully but nicely - any alternatives?] in the mirror, my 'ligen in lernen' took a new level almost immediately
Basically the trigger of mitzvos can be conscience, which then needs porn to dull....

[in my case I was after rehab and ready to face my conscience]

yiftach wrote on 30 Jan 2024 10:56:

Absolutely! And yet sometimes we get stuck in a slightly broader cocoon (fake username...) and we need a push to get out of that too, If we wait until we feel that we have outgrown our cocoon, it might never come. In my case I got suffocated and suffered while still refusing to break out of my new addiction (GYE) and it was still not enough. I was told that I probably need SA, yet it was still not enough. I was told that I need to quit GYE because it holds me back from real recovery and it helped me to finally jump into an SA meeting yet it was still not enough to make me quit completely... as you see...

Every day you still se me posting means that I'm still not ready to give up my 'lust' for GYE.

Please don't get me wrong, I don't disregard the credit that my journey on GYE has in where I am today, I was not ready to show up to a meeting in-person before getting to post and talk on the phone and meeting you. But it's time for me to move on...

And dear Adam, I don't know you and the situation you're in, nor am I qualified to tell you what's good for you, but please consider the above. For me is was fear of going out there that fooled me that I really really still need GYE.

All the best! buddies.

Been too long since I checked in. It's been a rough month. Very much gave up on trying. 



I don't have any big goals now, but I want to be clean today.

I also want to want to be clean tomorrow.



Happened to see a mindblowing Rambam in moreh nevuchim. He writes that a person's seichel is connected to Hashem, and if the person wants he can strengthen that connection or he can weaken it until it breaks. 

Rambam is telling us we can't just cut ourselves off with one bad act or one bad day. You can only weaken that connection until it breaks on its own. Fascinating. 

And how do we weaken that connection. By being involved with other things. "Even if you were to be the wisest of g-dly philosophers, when you turn your mind to necessary food or other business needs, you have already severed the connection between you and Hashem, and you are not with him and he is not with you."



Intense stuff. I think porn is only the second biggest distraction in my life. The biggest is reading - primarily fantasy novels but also random blogs, fiction whatever - which is probably a harder addiction to kick (although at one point I stopped reading non-jewish entertainment for a couple years. Similar to porn, once you fall it really grabs you back). 

I gonna try bl"n to cut out reading as a lateral attack on porn. Idk if that's gonna just be twice as hard or if it'll make things easier. But I gotta do something about this.

Heeling wrote on 29 Jan 2024 17:42:

Well said. 

The blood and sweat that you, dear True-self, and many others have poured into their journey here on GYE and beyond, cannot be understated. 

For some, it has meant remaining here on these hallowed, dusty 'ole pages and that was fine.
For some, it has led to beautiful, special new friendships.
And for some, it's a springboard for other types of Hishtadlus. 

All meaningful, special and real.

And yes, sometimes boring, annoying, addictive, peculiar (that was for you, connected. ) or downright inspiring and exciting!

Warm wishes, 

-YouKnowWho