Thanks for the welcome! I am planning on sharing my story at some point over bein hazmanim. Those words of connection is the opposite of addiction are so true, and that's exactly what I came here to do. Connect with others who have the same struggles as me. Looking forward to sharing my journy with you gyes and the rest of the GYE fam!

Welcome, @ezraw!

Glad to see a new member engaging with posts and comments. Would you like to consider starting your own thread? If you're comfortable, feel free to share your story. You may be pleasantly surprised by the support and encouragement you'll receive.

GYE is a family and we genuinely enjoy getting to know each member, as much as we can on an anonymous forum. If you're up for it, you can reach out to others and build connections. Connection is the opposite of addiction!

Looking forward to get to know you!

Yiftach'l

Day 13:

Fridays are one of the hardest! I work half a day, yet when I get home I am bored and idle. I try to keep myself busy by getting ready for Shabbos/שנים מקרה and etc. right now I have urge/tension to masterbate but I have to be productive and keep reminding myself that I can live with out Porn and it’s not something I need to survive on. I was reading the third chapter of Easypeasy and he mentions something so profound and eye opening. I’ll summarize it here and post part of it when I get a chance (since I am typing this out in my phone). He states why is it by a habits, if you want you can stop them without a feeling of a crave and if when doing the habit you will feel enjoyment but when you watch porn you feel guilty/worthless/horrible afterwards and when you don’t watch it you have a big urge to watch?!?!?!? 

"We make and break habits every day of our lives, so why do we find it difficult to break a habit that makes us feel deprived when we don’t have it, guilty when we do, one that we would love to break anyway, when all we have to do is stop doing it?

The answer is that porn isn’t habit, it’s addiction! That’s why it appears to be so difficult to ‘give up’. Most users don’t understand addiction and believe that they get some genuine pleasure or crutch from porn. They believe they’re making a genuine sacrifice if they quit."

My wife asked me if I can fix something but I need to watch YouTube. I said I rather not expose myself and I’ll figure it out on my

Shabbos is coming I have to go but writing this out helped a little to decrease the urge. Just keep reminding myself I don’t need porn since it’s not dependent on living.

Baruch Hashem for keeping me so strong. I can’t do it with out

Hi, Posting to keep grounded. B"H still clean and things are going well. Still have normal guy taaveh but feeling ok with where I'm holding. Intimacy is unsatisfactory and lots of frustration triggers at home, but that's part of life. the key is understand where the frustration comes from, give myself space to feel those feelings and slowly come to terms with the current situation. One thought which has helped me tremendously in combating anxiety which preludes frustration many times aimed at my wife (which can then lead to feelings of frustration in intimacy, manifesting in desires for other women who will "better understand and please me"), is that "I will take care of myself. I will make sure that I am cared for in whatever fashion necessary." I was surprised at how much this helped me, but I found it useful. I believe because much anxiety is catastrophizing situations ending in my being miserable, or not being able to do something exciting or important to me, and this thought reminded me that even if my wife is not going to be able to help me with what I need, I will help myself. 

On the point of the frustrating intimacy, I found one thought which had helped me in the past but I had stopped using it for no reason. But first, my initial thought which helped the frustration in the intimacy is "I don't need sex to survive and be happy." This is fundamental in combating an addictive/compulsive behavior which one uses for emotional regulation and escape. Constantly (daily) reminding yourself that what you have taught yourself and what your brain is telling you is false. However, even though this helped me be ok with not having sex anymore, I still had the frustration when we would have sex and it felt like a chore, like I simply existed for the sake of pleasuring my wife. So I changed the thought a tad and found it helpful, "I don't need lust to survive and be happy." Not %100 sure why it helped me so much, but I remember not being resentful and frustrated during intimacy then, I think pshat is that now I'm happy with whatever level of enjoyment I get from being together with my wife even if it doesn't have a lustful atmosphere to it. I am separating the lustfulness from the sex and therefore find the pleasure and meaning in just being together.
There will still be the physical discomfort of getting all revved up and then denied the release, but it's also not comfortable to see a very attractive girl, get aroused and then not masturbate. It is ok to be uncomfortable. I think the best thing for that is to discuss with my wife (which I have tried already unsuccessfully) that it is extremely uncomfortable to be left without release at the end of intimacy, but I'm not sure because once you tell her then if she doesn't fulfill it will create frustration.

On a related note, I would like to get back to regular journaling, I fell out of it a few weeks back and it makes a discernable impact.

 Hope this is helpful for the hopefuls out there, just got to keep learning about ourselves and be honest with our situation.

relaxed wrote on 09 Aug 2024 03:12:

Shalom!! Welcome! 

A lot of us here can relate to having certain situations cause us emotional pain… and how we have unfortunately learned to use shmutz as a way to escape the pain, or find comfort or distraction…. 

You are not alone. Here’s a warm hand, Chaver. 

Stick around. Read some threads. You’ll find that others who were in a much worse situation than you have managed to figure out better ways to deal with pain, ways that make them feel better and stronger, in all areas. Speaking to the Chevra, and learning from them will imyh change your life! 

Looking forward to hearing from you more, 

Chaim Oigen 

brothers! since I got to know this upgraded web site about 10 days ago- I became literally addicted " to stick around you -warm, accepting, non judgemental, hard working -on themselves - people. I got to speak to some. b"h the last few days I am walking around relaxed connected to myself and my feelings. I got to realize that my main struggle and trigger is when I feel bad about my self or when I feel resentment ..... and resentment to me mainly comes from taking personally when someone talks against my family shul community city yidden in general ...all  of that I take it as if he meant me. but b"h the last 10 days I am very conscious about it and I feel much lighter. can you identify?

Sharing some of my thoughts לקראת השלמת תשעים ימים נקיים

Problem:
P&M are real pleasures that are easy and accessible. Hashem is imaginary, unknown and not the mainstream... So - for those who know the game Stratego - its basically a battle between a Nr 10 gainst a Nr 2... and guess who will win... a very unfair game indeed.

5 solutions:

1. Get yourself to be accountable to a real person. A partner. Speak to someone over the phone. ולואי שתהא מורא שמים כמורא בשר ודם, ברכות כח... This way its a fair battle.

2. Avoid battles. Avoid temptations. Identify the YH from right at the beginning of a Nissyon and avoid facing, confronting him. שמירת העניים. Filters. Minimise usage of Internet. Quick showers. (Use the healthy outlets that are available e.g. jogging, sports, play piano, listen to music etc.) Push away a מחשבה זרה before it takes grip of you... This way there hardly is any battle at all! (Following my משל of Stratego: the rule is that even though Nr 10 is stronger than Nr 1, if the Nr 1 hits the Nr 10 first then he will actually win! Its this type of situation...)

3. Make Hashem real as well. Be קובע עיתים לתורה and be שקוע in learning, use every free moment to learn another shtikel גמרא, instead of running to your various electronic devices... Daven 3 times a day with כוונה. Focus when making a Bracha. Say ברכת המזון with real כוונה. Invest in your Mitzvos, make beautiful Shabbos meals for your family with זמירות and דברי תורה. Learn מסילת ישרים or other proper ספרי מוסר for min 20min a day. תורה מגני ומצלי. This way you've made Hashem a reality, part of your life and you will overcome the battle.

4. Get to know the YH. Understand that it's all כח הדמיון. Know the consequences that come from P&M. The effect it has on your emotional health. On your family. On your self esteem. Realise that the YH has no power over you and your actions, he just makes a lot of noise. It's all in your mind. הללו בוכים והללו בוכים, לצדיקים דומה כהר, לרשעים דומה כחוט השערה וכו’ סוכה נב. The YH is as big as you make it! With this option you have made the YH less real. (You're the Nr 10 and the YH is the Nr 1)

5. Connection. Understand that what you are really yearning is connection. Direct this need to the correct place. Connect to so many holy Yidden by learning תורה, connect to your chavrusa and to the heilige תנאים, אמוראים, ראשונים, אחרונים. That's what the גמרא means when it says אם ראית מנוול זה משכיהו לבית המדרש, it's not an escape. It's the real connection that you are desiring. (If learning is not an option then simply shmooze to a fellow Yid.) This way you are actually using the battle to your own benefit!

It's easier said than done...But at the same time it's easier done than falling again and again...

Please Hashem help me and all my טייערע friends at GYE to achieve real grateness and to overcome the Battle of the Generation!

UpAndDown


P.S. Obviously these solutions won't help strong addiction. Addiction needs real therapy or 12 steps etc. I personally have been to therapy already and now it's up to me to choose right from wrong...

Day 9:
Baruch Hashem today went well. I was learning a Mishna today and it was talking about yichud and all of sudden I had an urge. I would say it was a 5/10, I am currently distracted myself by writing part of this post but I am hoping it will go away. Its always nice the first couple of days and it’s a breeze to count the first week (which why I as very surprise on day one) but when the second week hits that is when I start developing cravings, axiety, more stressed, get a little angrier and I attribute to all the bad things I used to watch and possible addicted. I am thinking of trying this herbal medication to see if it helps with the urges but I feel when writing I get distracted- I am in middle of watching flight to freedom and one of the questions it ask is

“If I were to continue with the way things are now, what do I think are the worst things that might happen to me?

Here is my answer I will get DIVORCE, it will affect my wife and daughter lives forever, it will lead me to prostitutions and non Jewish girls, ill loose my family, ill loose my job. ill be caught doing these things, ill be a slave or homeless, ill be begging for money. It will be horrible for me

Hopefully this takes away my urge

Hi velvylisawolf,



I just want to share with you that I also have a particular fascination with the same genre. I think it must have something to do with the close relationship I have always felt with my mother, as my father was quite a difficult person to have a relationship with(also a sex addict as I have unfortunately had the bad luck to discover on multiple occasions). The relationship with my mother is not sexual at all gd forbid, but I just find that I get a big sense of being looked after and cared for when I watch mom-son scenes, in addition to the usual high I get from porn in general.



I’m curious if you have found a similar experience with yourself and I’m not just crazy

Too late to this thread...

I just read through your previous and current threads.
Please excuse me if I missed this in a previous post.

Have you ever been in touch with HHM - Hashem Help Me - the mentor-in-chief of GYE?
He has helped hundreds break free, present company included.

Have you ever been in touch with any of the wonderful people from this site?
(I personally have made some very close friends through this site...)
As has been said connection is the opposite of addiction, and that has been tremendously helpful for me.

Either way...
KOMT!

the methods of recovering from porn addiction are pretty much the same no matter what specifc genre was interesting to you. 

For those of us who could not stop, the nature of our interests often got darker with time.  I would not focus on that.  I would focus on how i am going to recover and stop these counterproductive habits.  If the nature of your interests keeps bothering you, you can explore the specific pulls that you have with a sex addiction therapist and you may learn some interesting things about yourself...

For some reason my addiction to porn has developed into an addiction into incest porn, namely mother son porn. It excites me but I really feel I am betraying Hashem and myself. I am weak, looking for “incest” that isn’t specifically incest, but I always go back to the most forbidden and perverse. It’s a shame that porn doesn’t have a recovery site, like reverse porn

relaxed wrote on 04 Aug 2024 17:47:

Therapy is a valuable tool to get to know and understand yourself. Through therapy one can become more in tuned with their feelings and learn how to regulate emotions. Therapy can also be a great medium to help build a healthy sense of self or self esteem. 

Group therapy is (based on my understanding) a setting in which multiple individuals who are working on a certain area of growth (I.e. anger management/ OCD/ anxiety/ self esteem etc.) Are brought together for a joint therapy experience. This can provide some of the support you described.

Shem suggested that addiction programs might be a strech for you at this point, and therapy might suffice.
BH today there are many many options of where to get good therapy, many of which accept insurance. On the gye homepage there's a link to referal agencys which can refer you to good therapy options tailored to what you're looking for.

Hatzlacha to the best rebbi!
i hope you continue to be relaxed, and shtaig more and more!

To be open.
I had a fall.
More accurately, a relapse.
I find myself with the same behavior that I moved away from over the past 2 years.
A mind-numbing urge to waste time and energy for trash, and following through with it, even though my time is precious.
What am I going to do about it? I'm hopefully going to meet someone tomorrow who will give insight if this is a case of addiction.
On another note, it's time to make my relationship with Hashem one of Him being everything. Perhaps that is what I'm missing.

menuchashanefesh9 wrote on 01 Aug 2024 18:24:

Bold - yes, uncertified - not at all. The famous 'גמ in מס' יומא that talks about when the אנשי כנסת הגדולה Davened for the YH of גלוי עריות to be eliminated, at first their תפילות were answered, but then they found that no chicken was laying eggs, so they were מתפלל to bring it back. The world wouldn’t continue to procreate, so they had to recall the יצרא דעבירה. The 'זוהר הק says that the reason תאוות נשים had to be brought back was because without תאוה then "חדוותא דשמעתתא מנא לן". My רביים explained it as follows. We tend to think of the סוגיא of שמירת העינים in terms of סור מרע - don’t look, because if you do, you will taint your נשמה and you won’t be able to serve 'ה as well. This is definitely true, but the reality is much deeper then that. 

The מצוה of guarding our eyes was written in the פרשה of ציצית. There seems to be a connection between the מצוה of ציצית and the מצוה of ולא תתורו, and they both seem to be a very fundamental מצוה and though it we are told וזכרתם את כל מצוותי. What’s the secret?

In reality the סוגיא of שמירת העינים is more connected to the עשה טוב of תורה. The word ציצית means to peer (as in מציץ מן החרכים). We are taught that when we look at our ציצת we are supposed to remind ourselves of the כסא הכבוד because תכלת דומה לים, ים דומה לרקיע, רקיע דומה לכיסי הכבוד a tenuous connection at best, tenuous - if you look at it from a physical perspective. The lesson of the ציצית is don’t just look at what you see with your external eyes, look deeply in to the heart of the ציצית and see what they really represent. Therefore the תורה told us specifically in the מצוה of ציצית to guard our eyes. When one is lax is his שמירת העינים, in essence what he’s doing is, he’s reducing a צלם אלוקים to its most external form. He doesn’t see the totality of the person, only its external trappings.  ציצית teaches us to look deeper. 

This concept is applicable to all of 'עבודת ה, but nowhere is it more manifest then in לימוד התורה. The 'גמ in מס' שבת says on the פסוק of והמחשילה הזאת that’s it’s referring to דברי תורה that אין אדם עומד בהם אלא אם כן נכשל בהם תחילה. As any serious student of תורה can attest to, when you learn a 'גמ, at first the 'גמ seems to be saying one thing, upon further analysis it seems to be saying something else. Then he looks in to the ראשונים and he discovers that he hasn’t yet scratched the surface of the גמ'. There are endless layers of depth in every word of תורה. 

How does one not fall in to the “trap” of settling for what seems to be a nice פשט in the 'גמ? What propels him to challenge himself to look deeper and uncover a deeper reality of truth? It’s the knowledge that we don’t settle for something external. To train us in not looking at externalities, 'ה set up the 'בריי in a way that we will have many “opportunities” to practice not falling for the glitter of the external world. That’s where תאוה comes in, we desire something because of its external beauty, and we train ourselves to say no, don’t fall for the external, because the inside is far more beautiful. Take the time and have the patience to discover the real beauty and depth of 'ה’s world and the people in it. In essence שמירת העינים is a powerful, positive tool that we were given to help us in pursuit of uncovering the depth and beauty of Yiddeshkeit. The YH knows this, and the people he's most afraid of, are the people that spend their days and nights utilizing this tool. No wonder he throws his entire arsenal at them. He does anything he can to neutralize him from discovering the real pleasure there is in life, so he tries his best to sweeten the external to distract him from discovering the real treasure that lays beneath the surface. At the חפץ חיים supposedly once said, "דער יצר חרע ארט ניט דאווענען, ארט ניט זאגן תהילים, אבער א בלאט גמ' ארט עם יא".  Obviously, he only meant it in comparison to learning, the others don't come close.

Had 'ה completely eradicated תאוות נשים, we wouldn’t have the ability to hone our skills in pushing ourselves to look past the surface of any given סוגיא be it learning or any area in 'עבודת ה. On a basic level that might be what the 'זוהר הק means when it says חדוותא דשמעתתא מנא לן. 

My dear friend, you wrote that you don’t feel the way you would expect to after losing such a long streak. I believe (and I know I could be wrong here), that it’s because the רושם that the past year of טהרה made on you hasn’t been lost at all. You’ve changed your מהות from someone that used to get swept up with externals, to someone that’s שקוע in uncovering the deeper meaning of the 'דבר ה. Nothing, not a slip or even a fall can take that away from you, especially if you get right back up and pick up from where you left off.