workingmyprogram wrote on 24 Mar 2017 17:27:


I wrote: I am a REAL sex addict.

Then I wanted to write one of two things.

1. I am a FAKE asken.
2. I am not a REAL asken.

I was not able (out of reb chaim's test of truth that you cannot fool the paper, although it didn't stop many), and I wrote instead:

I am an asken who cares about himself.

I am not sayin' that I care only about myself, but that is a primary focus; so yes, there is a mixture.

I would hope you care about yourself, if you don't who will? Maybe try and be dan lekaf zchus on yourself and you might see that you're not completely selfish, and probably never were. Things are never so black and white, despite what our addictive black and white thinking mind tells us. Nobody's all selfish, nobody's all righteous. We're all a beautiful mix of grey, the worst addict included. Please don't speak lashon harrah about yourself :-) Also, being a sex addict is a defense mechanism, not an identity.

workingmyprogram wrote on 24 Mar 2017 15:16:

II am light.

I am a REAL sex addict.

I am an asken who cares about himself.

workingmyprogram wrote on 24 Mar 2017 15:16:

I saw this differently, that he meant to give me Chizzuk that I'm not a real addict. 

cordnoy wrote on 24 Mar 2017 12:02:

Woah, speak for yourself tzaddik. I really don't think things are so black and white.  I know plenty of REAL sex addicts (however you define that) that very much care for others. Granted, their need for the next fix when lusting can sometimes trump other peoples needs, but to say they "only care about themselves" is very harsh and extreme.  There's so much harsh judgment and self criticism in these programs, even on this site. Lighten up guys! Let the love shine lol.

Shalom Aleichem Dear Brothers-

It took me 25 years but I came to the realization that I am an addict. It was an eye opener for me to rebrand myself. Until now I thought I was just a baal taaveh but after hearing from a friend who is in the AA program about his addiction I realized I am as well. So it was a tough recociliation but I am so glad I am here and have begun therapy and promised myself I will stop surviving and start living. Please reach out to me and give me chizuk as I begin my recovery. I am fully in Hashem's hands. I need support and all the recovering tzadikim out there will surely have tips and pointers for me along this journey. Hashem should bentch us all with kol tuv.

GrowStrong wrote on 22 Mar 2017 09:35:

My friend, what you're describing is not real happiness. The happiness I'm talking about is simcha. Simcha is a deep inner joy and satisfaction which comes from a good attitude towards life. We don't feel a need to punish ourselves when we feel simcha, and we certainly don't feel simcha when looking at porn. When you feel simcha you won't need "p & m".

And by the way, a REAL asken cannot be a REAL sex addict, for a REAL asken cares about others and a REAL sex addict cares only about himself.

Kleen4real wrote on 24 Mar 2017 04:19:

Good stuff.

I wonder where I've head that "two lives" business before.

And here I thought we all had that beetle Bailey sticker on our back, "on the other side, iI am a closet sex addict."

Welcome to GYE. We are here to help. You took a courageous first step. Be proud. To succeed iyh, stay connected. Sounds like you have years of addiction under your belt (actually the addiction is in the brain and heart). To break free you will need help. Some people come here and write a great first post and then they disappear....... The sooner you open up fully and reach out to real people the sooner the NOW!! at the end of your thread's title will actually happen. Cordnoy asked you some questions that should get you thinking. Be brave. Look in the mirror and answer those questions. Then write up another post with the answers. Also start looking for sponsors, partners who can shlep you out of this mess. Excuse my blunt response to your post but it really sounds like you have hit rock bottom and really want to recover and you sound gutsy enough to actually do what it takes. 

Thanks, there are no GYE members or sex addicts in Minneapolis??
I guess its a holy Shtut!

For me, honesty is of utmost importance. If I am not honest with myself, my sponsor, other fellows, and my Higher Power then I am a relapse waiting to happen. I like to say that I'm "allergic to dishonesty." I need to maintain honesty in my life. I make upwards of 3 calls a day to people and I usually go to one meeting a day. I don't give myself the time to be dishonest because I know how important it is for my recovery. I don't just share when I am not doing well. I share when I am doing just ordinary. I share about my day, no matter if nothing out of the regular happened. It also affords me the opportunity to share when something does happen out of the ordinary. I can share that I was angry at myself or that I was anxious at work. I can share that I was acting codependent or that I did't follow my schedule. Avoiding honesty is a slippery slope for me. If I'm hiding something then it means that I'm ashamed of it and if I'm ashamed then I'm likely to act out. I was recently struggling with this. My main MO's are with men and I was ashamed to share some of the stimulating triggers that I was experiencing. I felt ashamed about it and I didn't want to share it with members who don't have those MO's. I spoke with people about it though and ultimately I need to share them. An alcoholic is an alcoholic no matter if he drinks vodka or scotch. I lust after men primarily but that doesn't make me a different kind of lust addict. I'm the same as all the other men and women in the fellowship. But that is easier said than done. But I'm committed to doing that. I do not believe that I would be in the place where I am at without honesty. In the beginning it was very hard to be honest with myself, but now I realized that honesty is my vitality and I need it if I want to live.

Workingguy wrote on 22 Mar 2017 22:51:

I have dealt with anxiety my whole life, and since you brought up our unique perspectives I will give you mine, which I know isn't practical, but it is good to be mindful of.
It is my experience that to calm down my anxiety, reminding myself that Ha-shem is completely running the world and working generally on focusing on Emunahdikke thoughts has helped, but I have to remind myself to do this because the anxiety gets in the way.
It's also my experience that I get most anxious when I don't have Yishuv HaDaat.
The ways to gaining Yishuv HaDaat and building a strong emunah depend on the person, this is my own experience though.
Drugs (clinical) I am very weary of, valium/xanax are certain to calm the anxiety but they wont fix the core issues.
This is for general anxiety and is useless information if the issue is depression disguised as anxiety.
This should not be considered as medical advice. Always read the label carefully and consult a doctor.

eslaasos wrote on 22 Mar 2017 21:06:

Probably and I definitely did some looking around on some online for him, but actually I consider it much more relevant to me what my GYE brethren went through. Both from the perspective of having gone through addiction or sexual issues and how that might be connected, and also because it's certainly relates to our Jewish and religious framework very differently then for the people on the Internet.

sort of like I'd rather talk to my brothers about issues and hear their take on I understand them and know them a little bit then discuss them with people on the forum that I don't really have a way to filter or understand.

hello to everyone  i subscribe last week to this website becuase i want to share my story, i need help and i want to help other people too.

i am 25 years old now.

september 2016 my recovery to this problem started but before that at around age 5 i started strugglin in porn.. i started playing with my body and i kept in that for several years... i think that affected my whole life! as a kid i was very shy, not good self esteem, didnt have to many friends and lonely all the stress that i felt at that moment when i got home from school i locked on my room and watch porn for many hours lost lot of family time too and i didnt had a great connection with my parents so they never knew what was going on with me.... after highschool 2008 i meet my first girlfriend! i started hanging out a little more and i was feeling better with my social life but didnt stop with the struggle basically i started having 2 lifes.... after few months my girlfriend broke with me becuase she want to finsh higschool... then i meet the girl that i want it to meet my whole life... lets say the love of my life.... i started dating her 2010 (she was not from my country) and eventually we got married 2012 of course i never told her about my problem not just that i thought that marrying her could help me fix my problme but that never happened i still struglle heavily with addiction until  she got me.. she forgive me and i told her i never do that again but still addction to strong and i didnt stop so she got me the second time and she wanted to divorce 2014 my addicton beat me at that time i was scared i lost her and i lost everithing... i had her in front of my eyes and i couldnt accept that i was struggling with porn... i was scared that she tell the whole comunity the truth about our divorce ...i couldnt talk and do anything to save my marriage i just let her go and kept with my life going... so last year i started having bad feelings about what my life was and i started battling for a change...so december 2016 the first thing i did was talk to a psychologist like for 3 sessions i admitted that i was wrong and accepted that i had a problem that i need to work on to change and be a better person and i felt i needed to give me a second chance because i have all my life infront of me and i couldnt waste it..i also started connecting with god and that gave me great power to fight the struggle... after that i talk to my parents and i told them the truth.. start making things right and here i am BH fighting everyday with the struggle with this big challenge but happy too because thats life we have to battle every day to be a better person and the most important thing to know ourselves i try to clear my mind of everything and focus on the things i like...

may good bless everyone here and give power to beat this struggle!With love and patience, nothing is impossible