Amazing. This is where I see my difference as an addict. Once I take something in I can't stop. I can't just say "I'm not going to look and I'll just be a little uncomfortable." But for you that obviously works and that's great.

Trouble wrote on 07 Apr 2017 18:06:

is someone who speaks loshon hara? How about someone who is mevatal torah?

Hi razani!  Welcome!  It sounds like you have issues to deal with that could be the source of a lot of your acting out.  Having trouble developing relationships is common among addicts.  From the little that you wrote, you may need help with whatever is holding you back from creating relationships.  That should help you.  What was your childhood like? Your family life?

Rami94 wrote on 06 Apr 2017 14:02:

Are sex addicts kosher for this type of thing?

dd wrote on 06 Apr 2017 04:30:

For an addict I cannot say for me it is not about sobriety I am "sober" just have a Y"H

anyone want to give another opinion I would not mind hearing...

needhelp28 wrote on 06 Apr 2017 20:52:

It's true 
My will power never stopped me.
and there's no magic pill 
But there is a magic elixir of several key things which include digging deep into ourselves to address the person inside us who is using pron and masturbation and all the other stuff to medicate and subdue our feelings instead of facing those feelings and thoughts.
step zero is stop.
today you stopped.
deal with today.
reach out to a few of those guys who put their email in their signature and have years of sobriety 
stay now out of isolation and start to share 
harbeh hatzlacha

Thanks everyone for your kind words

Truth is i dont see myself beating this.  Im not fishing for words of encouragement just being open and honest.  I might go on a run for a while and feel like im the frummest guy in the world but i know i will fall.  Its no longer a matter of if...

Filters are useless in my opinion.  Its like confiscating a drug addicts money, he will find a way.

I have K9 on my cpu - useless, i tried something on my phone - didnt work, only served to mess up my phone.

Its only the second day and im struggling.  Its alot easier to accept your fate then fight it and thats kind of what im feeling like right now.  Even if i hit 90 days and i know i wont it wont matter because at some point i will fall and when i do it will be big.  it hurts the most when you fall from a  hight. 
Part of me doesnt even believe the people that have numbers like 550 days clean etc.  If its true that you all relate to my years of struggle, that you too have spent so much of your lives doing aveiras and then almost the rest of it regretting them, then i just dont beleive you have beaten this thing with will power alone.  Maybe you have got older and drives have diminished  or maybe you are so busy at work that you just dont have the time but as far as i can see i would need to be super human to stop this and im just not.



Benjy

needhelp28 wrote on 05 Apr 2017 14:18:

Are you me? Wife, 2 kids...
This sounds exactly like me. Learning 'fore Shacharis. Or nothing at all
All or nothing.

You must be me.

Re your last paragraph: for me it wasn't a lack of emunah. It was a lack of sanity. In building my sanity, I believe I have established a bottom-line Emunah: That there is a Higher Power who can do this for me. 

Here's your missing post buddy

You're not subscribed for emails to your thread????




Please keep them coming!

Breath of fresh air!!

OBAAT




Subway manager?

Day 212!! Chasdei Hashem!! One day at a time!!!

A few things. One, I noticed that I beat myself up over a glance. Let me explain what I mean with a story that happened to me. I was walking by a subway platform (Seem to have a lot of interesting stories around subway platforms) and I noticed* a group of girls with a tour-guide/teacher. I was with my chavrusa and we just walked past them with no issues. While all of us were waiting on the platform, I hear their guide lining them up against the wall to not block the people walking on the platform. I was positioned so as not to be looking at them. But I did see a guy walk past and he looked in the direction of the girls, and he scanned them head to foot. (like a copy machine). Then it struck me that a lot of beating up we do to ourselves (myself certainly included) is over a mere glance. [I was re-reading the gye handbook and the 3-second rule so it was fresh in my mind]. This is why the 3-second rule is so crucial!! (thank you Hashem for giving me brains enough to be able to learn from different experiences!!)

Second, I was thinking the 3-second rule can be applied to thoughts as well, however, sometimes thoughts take more than 3 seconds before I realize they are bad. The yesod is the same I believe, but it is a slippery slope to tweedle out a set number of seconds. I think it's just, when you notice that the thought is going places it shouldn't, just surrender it and switch to a new thought. Only, if one actively goes after the thought once realizing that it is bad is there an issue. Is this correct? 
    A) Yes
     No
    C) Yes, but...
    D) No, but...

and finally, I think some of my self denial (having trouble accepting myself) comes from being on the fence about the whole addict thing. What do I mean? Well, In truth I think that I am an addict because my difficulty in lusting is usually correlated pretty well to a feeling emptiness, boredome, sadness, lack of self-esteem, anxiety, and not just to triggering images. On the otherhand, I have not figured out how to deal with that understanding in terms of my future wife. Meaning, if what I have is an illness (and i understand there are degrees) how can someone be married to another and not tell them they have an illness like this. If I had diebetes c'v I would have told her already (heck, she probably would've noticed) but because I have not sorted out how to share it or if sharing it is even good for me and fair to her, it seems easier to tell myself that I am not an addict and just get on with it and it is a crazy yetzer hara issue, or that I am just more triggered than usual especially as I approach the wedding and the prospect of intimacy looms. (Now that I have this mental contradiction clear I do plan on discussing it with my rebbe to see what he says.

In the meantime, I will continue reading the handbook, since these principles always need refreshing. I will continue to post on the forum at least weekly, and talk to Him a bit more about all this.

These are some of my thoughts, feel free to disagree, I would be happy to discuss them with you. I keep writing these long posts. That's just what comes to mind as I write. Sometimes I'll write one idea, and then when I finish I think of another. Maybe I should keep a long document of all my thoughts and then serialize it and put them up one thought at a time (OTAAT )

I had an amazing hashgacha story about getting a position somewhere, tune in next time...

Hatzlacha GYE and keep the trucking up!!!! 



p.s. 
*didn't stare or check out in any way.

Workingguy wrote on 05 Apr 2017 18:43:

Reb Trouble,

Here's how I would put it. People who think/know that they can do better than they're doing now usually will find a way to do better. When that doesn't happen, it's because they're doing the best they think they can.

Most of us don't think addiction is he optimal state, but when we don't think we can do better, it provides a lot of things- something to do and be busy with to distract from fear, pain, loneliness, or even having to face that we are in a place that we never wanted to be.

When we feel we can do better- even with hard work- were often willing to do better because there's a sense of accomplishment, pride, and self esteem that makes it worth it. And it becomes worth the bother.

Ill give you a personal example. I've had/have challenging intimacy, although it's getting better. I believed, and actually still believe, that a good chunk of it is my wife's issue. 

It it used to be the best excuse to act out. Why not? It will never get better, and what am I supposed to do?

But at a certain point I started doing better in other areas of life even though this one didn't change. And then no matter what she did in this regard, my thought was- if there's one thing I DON'T want to do, it's act out. Not for her, and not because I realized it's not her issue- but because my personal development wouldn't be compatible with me acting out just because my wife wasn't available. It had nothing to do with changing my attitude about her; it had to do with changing my attitude about me. Because I believed it was worth it.

If it all seems the same in recovery and addiction to someone, then they just haven't found a good enough reason to stop- be it a negative consequence, incentive, or just believing they can.

Does that make any sense to you? I appreciate the conversation/dialogue.

Workingguy wrote on 05 Apr 2017 18:43:

Mr. Workerguy,

I appreciate what you wrote, but isn't it like a catch-22 almost? Addiction was a fine way of life when you didn't believe, but when you did believe you could do better, you were able to push away the crummy life for the living life. This belief/non-belief can come and go, for sometimes, we are steeped in that depression and perhaps even lust that we tend to forget recovery mode and then we don't believe. I'm not asking to argue; just to discuss.

I have a very dear friend who goes back and forth with this. Sometimes life is crummy in addiction mode, but sometimes, it is just as crummy in recovery mode. The conclusion therefore is: why bother?

But I do agree with you: Seeing others in recovery, and living a good, healthy life can and does do wonders to our beliefs. The intro of one or two of those books should say something like that as well.

Thanks

GS,

That's pretty dramatic. I certainly don't feel life or death and I only did way in the beginning of recovery.

What motivates me is that it is depressing to be headed downward, not to grow. Also, what motivates me is the more I feel I CAN do better by looking at the progress of people here and fixing certain other things in my life, the more I WANT to do better- bc why would I settle for crummy addiction if I can be alive?

But when I didn't believe jay I can do better, addiction was a fine way of life because I didn't have a better option.