Hi Everyone,
I hit rock bottom yesterday. I really believe this time that it's the bottom. My last few bottoms weren't as bad but this one was a really hard bottom and landed with a real crash. I'm so nervous that it will happen again but I think and hope that this time I'm really ready to tackle this nasty insanity. 
My problem is that I'm going through tremendous emotional pain from loads of emotional and sexual abuse as a child and am going to therapy for the last seven years but am now really working out the heavy heavy trauma and it is massively painful and it completely wipes me out. In the past the only thing that soothed my pain was porn but that must stop now and even though I don't feel like I have an ounce of strength left to fight this battle I'm going to do it anyway but will need lots of support.
On a side note, I'm doing a 12 step program designed for emotional and sexual abuse, its called ACA program, it's a very successful and national program. Does anyone know if that would work for sex addiction or should I somehow find the time and the strength to go to a SA program as well. 
Please the more that respond the better I'll feel as I feel so alone between my emotional issues and the porn issues.
Thanks so much I love you all!!

after an honest step 1 (10+ powerlessness, 10+ unmanageability) and wanting this solution
my sponsor has me read (twice) there is a solution from pg 25 to the end of chapter

continue adding 5 gratefulnesses every morning
contacting 3 members a day just to share that i am an addict and i want to connect
calling him each day
4 meetings a week (3 F2F& 1 phone)

My sponsor has more than 13 years clean now.
He related to me that very early on in his early sobriety he would wake up in the mornings with his hand around his eiver. This was not something he had control over or could stop just by thinking about, he had been in active addiction for many years.
So he wore trousers to bed for the first year or so until it had dissipated.
My point here is that after being a chronic masturbator for many years like according to your story you were, sometimes theres no reason at all why in a half awake state you will find yourself masturbating again. Whether its trousers or a sefer, understand that your body and mind is healing and this takes time.
You are taking the actions of sobriety with shmirat eynayim, dont let that slip for a second and you are going to be fine.

Hi this is my second post here (1st was the intro topic)

I want to be useful to other Yiddin in their own recovery process.

Feel free to ask me any questions. I am 100% open and honest to discuss anything. I can share my own experience on what it means to be in a recovery program for 6 years without any relapses, B"H.

"What works for me"

I am a fully committed and active member in my  local NA. That means sponsorship both have a sponsor and sponsor 5 men.

From the beginning of my recovery I have followed all the suggestions: 90 in 90, 3/4 house, sponsor, daily call to my sponsor, step work, service positions, home group, daily readings of literature and prayer and meditation.

I regularly contact other members and spend time in the atmosphere of recovery, that is my foundation from which other things become possible.

First and foremost I must always remember that I'm an addict I am always just one away from being caught in my disease.

My disease of addiction can manifest in many ways some more obvious than others. Protecting my recovery by being honest with fellow addicts about what is going on with me on a daily if not hourly basis is necessary for me to remain in the right direction and stay clean.

Learning self confidence and removing self consciousness from the root of my issues through step work with my sponsor has really started to unravel my core issues of self centered-ness.

This has slowly allowed me to open myself up in ways that I thought I could never improve.
Starting to get more involved in my Yiddishkeit has been a big area for me but it has effected my new marriage since she doesn't have a frum background like me or is even interested at all.

My issues don't overwhelm me or make me afraid or even think about using to deal with them.

The simple reasons is because I am an active NA member and I can always rely on the process of recovery no matter the situation I'm dealing with.

There's never a reason to use anymore!

Received sad news today. My first love, a classmate in my first year of university, died in the past week. Tomorrow is her funeral. She was 25. Died of a blood clot in her brother's arms, they were simply having fun on a Friday night, when she just collapsed and died in his arms.

We haven't spoken in 4 years, but she was a blessing sent by G-d, to keep me company in those formative years, and even though we broke up she always did have a special place in my heart... May she rest in peace. She was one of the few who knew of my addiction, and supported me in trying to get rid of it. My addiction was not the reason for the break up... 

I pray that I still retain control of my senses and keep the fences up as I try to work through my emotions. Pray for me, my friends

bb0212 wrote on 30 May 2017 12:12:

It's just something I have seen repeat itself over here many many times... When its 'just' a battle with the yetzer hora, he makes it easy to rationalize that you don't have to win them all.

GrowStrong wrote on 30 May 2017 09:35:

Thanks for the well wishes!  however, I don't see the connection with not being an addict and allowing myself to fall because of that.

bb0212 wrote on 30 May 2017 05:47:

Thank you for takin' the time to respond. B'hatzlachah

Daily battle, your point about marriage is 100% on the mark. For most people being a little selfish in the bedroom is normal and has mekoros in chazal. On this site you will find many of us writing strongly about this issue because as we try to kick the masturbating addiction/habit, we realize we will only be successful if we can remove from our marital relations any similarity to masturbation. Those like yourself who fortunately are not dealing with this issue do not need to be hyper focused on it like the rest of us.

It would seem that someone like yourself who obviously has strong willpower should be able to demand of himself more shmiras eynayim. If you need an extra push, maybe get a chaver (real or anonymous) who you can call when the nisayon arises to help you stop. If you have to answer to someone you will think twicebefore acting. Just an idea.

boll6214 wrote on 30 May 2017 03:15:

Hi there.
I identify with many parts of your story, we are of similar age, from similar backgrounds and I was a chronic masturbator from before the age of 10. It sounds like you understand a lot about yourself. Alongside reading a lot in this forum I would suggest you check out the daily call with Duvid Chaim. You don't have to call yourself an addict of the classic sense, since it seems your problem has not progressed past where it always was, however you do need tools to learn how to deal with the self hate (pity) depression and anxiety which you may get some insights from these calls.
I would also go easy on yourself with all the gehennom stuff... you had 33 years with no gehenom in your life, you need to give yourself time to mature and gain ahold of your emotions. Hashem isn't judging you on what you now know, he is judging you on who you are as a complete person, and believe me He not only loves you dearly, He knows exactly where you came from and what you have been through.
Much Hatzlocha!

bb0212 wrote on 30 May 2017 05:47:

As one of the forum's token addicts I must say that 1) I am an extreme addict, completely powerless over my actions, completely powerless over lust, completely powerless over my emotions and my obessions (and my wife) 2) As you know I did it the other way around from you albeit less religiously (no 90 day program and no GYE) and i cut porn while allowing masturbation and that helped me kill the porn habit which then brought me eventually to GYE after several porn slips (these were not my only MO's) and I too have had a pretty smooth recovery from lust. Does that mean I am not a lustaholic and I am lying to myself? Or could it mean that my program of recovery has been strong enough with enough desire for me to be able to finally focus on the stuff behind the lust. 
So my main point here is that your conclusion that because you are having an 'easy ride' is not proof that you are not a lustaholic...
The main reason I say this brother is because I don't want you to fall and then excuse it as OK because you are not one of the addicts, and falls will happen... I want you to succeed (and finally cost me $90 regardless of whether you are an addict or not) because this is what you want for yourself!

Thanks for the warm messages and care and love.

Sometimes my absence indicates a productive working day. Perhaps you can use GYE activity as an inverse fiscal indicator. Maybe.

In the last week my whole family has been down with the flu. Our cards maxed out and therapy with my dad blew out of scale, leaving us all as resentful as ever. I cracked on Friday and viewed inappropriate videos. And yesterday.

Yesterday I was caught at work, but contrary to the horror picture I conjured in my mind to what might happen, the situation was handled sensitively and one-on-one. I explained my addiction and got off with a warning. But I entered my SAA meeting a broken man. Good thing it was a Step 1 meeting. I was powerless; I am powerless. 

I resent God for not giving me the ability to deal with life adequately, that everything has to be so difficult, that I fold whenever the going gets tough (however BH my tolerance to stressful situations has indeed risen). I think the effects of the divorce and the family conflicts growing up are paying dividends. But whatever.

I am clean as per the SA sobriety definition. I heard a recording about getting the jackas-s out of the hole first, worrying about "do I reset my count" later. I attune myself to the philosophy of SA. PG I have a sponsor who we'll skype every wednesday. BH things at work are becoming less toxic. Then this happened. Haha. But I still feel in a way it's not as toxic as it should have been.

It attests to the unmanageability of my life. All that's gone down so far. And I really don't want to ruin the lives of those closest to me. And I really expected a much worse "slip" after so long in sobriety. Perhaps it's not the loaded spring theory.

I talk with GrowStrong my good friend. he commented, "wow, Hashem loves you like crazy, giving you a wake-up call like that".

I know. It just hurts so much. 

cordnoy wrote on 29 May 2017 14:43:

 Having sexual desire is expected for a healthy male. It's almost a reflex to look at women. There's a reason that there are almost always beautiful women in ads/commercials that feature women. Same goes for tv and movies. What percentage of n*** scenes in movies are actually part of the plot, as opposed to just selling sexuality? This preys on man's natural instinct. As Jews, it's our job to raise ourselves above that. Yes, it's difficult, but that doesn't make me a lustaholic, I'm simply a dude with a healthy sexual desire. 

From different stories that I've read here, it seems like there are a number of holics or addicts that would not have succeeded with the few steps that I've taken. The fact that I have been succeeding doesn't mean that I'm stronger than all those that aren't. To me, all it means is that the fight is not as difficult for me.

My tendencies were different throughout the past year. Trying to put them in order, it'll probably go something like this:

Find rated R movies that are rated for the right reason, Porn on phone/laptop, masturbation, checking out women in the street or wherever, just fantasizing about all the triggering women that I saw that day or week.

For a long time, I felt like I wasn't up to fighting the desire and I was just unleashed with no restraint in the above matters. At a certain point, I struggled to keep away from porn. 

When I started to become active here on the forum, I dropped spilling seed from my minhagim. That meant that fantasizing touching, porn, everything other that finishing off & being mz"l was ok. 

After 90 days of being "clean" like this I stopped porn, touching, checking women out, fantasizing, etc.. So far b"h this has gone pretty smoothly. If I was an addict, I'd think that this would be much more of a challenge.

I grew up in a secular Jewish family where there was a lot of verbal and emotional abuse. Even at a young age, maybe 7 or 8, I remember feeling lonely, afraid, and depressed. I was especially scared to go to sleep at night and would indulge in fantasies to soothe myself. These fantasies started very innocently: I imagined myself as a dashing knight saving beautiful maidens from the clutches of evil men. By the age of 12, the fantasies became overtly sexual, and I started to spill seed. I had no idea that spilling seed was spiritually harmful. For me, it was a wonderful, relaxing escape. This habit of soothing myself with sexual thoughts and fantasies in order to escape anxiety and intense self-loathing continues to this very day. I became frum about 10 years ago. I love keeping kosher, shabbos, davening, learning, etc., but I have not been able to stop spilling seed, even though I have excellent filters on my computer and phone and do not watch porn. I am now 43 years old. I am overwhelmed with anger, despair, and horror at my utter inability to stop spilling seed. I cannot refrain for more than two weeks. Tension builds up: I have constant thoughts and fantasies during the day, though bedtime is the most intense. Even if I refrain from spilling seed, I have very graphic dreams. Going to the mikveh and doing chitas are very helpful, but I inevitably succumb to my lust addiction. How many demons have I created? I've killed some of them through Tachanun, fasting, saying the bedtime sh'ma, etc. But can I really do teshuva for what I've done? I would estimate that I've spilled seed 10,000 times in my life. I want to replace the pleasure I feel from sexual thoughts with spiritual pleasure--the pleasure of being close to Hashem. I want the pleasure of understanding His Torah in ever more profound ways. But I am blocked by kelipah. The Yetzer Hara's grip is firm. I feel resigned to gehenom. Some days I feel so disconnected from Hashem that I can't get myself to daven, open up a sefer, or put on tefillin. Is my life a pathetic, absurd joke? Well, at least I canceled my Netflix subscription. No matter what you watch, there are too many sexy women. To end on a positive note, I've never cheated on my wife. My addiction is restricted to thoughts, fantasies, and spilling seed. In sum, this lust addiction soothes my anxiety, depression, and self-hatred, albeit temporarily. Yet I can also truly feel that I am distant from Hashem. This is the greatest misery. Will Hashem help me, even though I don't deserve it? 

I joined SA two weeks ago i think it was a great idea. My therapist recommended it they have a lot to offer. i'm bli'n gonna try to share what i learn. (will try to post around once a day no promises)
Feel free to share your experiences.
DISCLAIMER: This is for sexaholics who have no control over their addiction. If you feel like you have no control your only chance is the 12 steps. You can do it by phone though I think meetings are optimal.
Do you have any fears of joining post them and i'll try to answer.
The first and main thing is that we are looking for serenity peace with ourselves. When we achieve that we can start recovering. My therapist said that anxiety comes from feelings of guilt if you feel guilty or isolated then SA is for you. Guilt and isolation are what i think the biggest deterrent to serenity.