Just to add the to the chorus, welcome (on your own thread at least)! Though you’re here longer than me……

To echo chaimoigen’s sentiment, falling is horrible. I’ve been where you are, feeling tremendous disgust for the guy in the mirror who can’t control himself from doing the most idiotic things, and he won’t leave me alone! As soon as the end comes, we see with perfect clarity that falling is poison; if only we’d see that before…..

However, as others have said, breaking free is within reach! Staying in touch, and working on understanding why you don’t want to fall, and what you can put in place, davka when you’re in a better spot, is key to long term sustainable success. 

Im also happy to connect, as are others here greater than me. Might I also suggest you reach out to Hashem Help Me (michelgelner@gmail.com)? He’s helped many make life changes, me included. Being in touch with one GYE member doesn’t negate being in touch with more…..

Connection beats addiction. Really.

With best wishes for your sustained success,
Muttel

That's amazing that you are having so much Hatzlacha, even with the ups and downs (90 days clean!!! WOW that's amazing!!). 

YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON!!! AGAIN, YOU ARE NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON PERSON!! You are a tremendously special person being that you are fighting the fight!!!  Please, please look yourself in the mirror tonight and tell yourself-- "hashem loves me and for good reason too--BECAUSE I"M AMAZING"!!!

Lastly, you will get out of this addiction, I promise you! Stick around and we'll all do this together!

Hi!
I've been here on GYE for a bit over a year already, and I have had ups and downs, periods of tremendous hatzlacha (90+ days clean) and unfortunately yeridos as well. You can look up my previous postings to hear my story.
I have been in a rough period recently, and had a fall last night. I feel bad about myself, like I am a horrible person and I will never get out of this terrible addiction. Something I noticed, since joining GYE, my falls have been much more extreme, watching more explicit stuff than I used to watch (possible to compensate the growth I have already made). BH I know who to turn to when I am feeling this way- looking for chizzuk from you guys!
How do you do it? Will I ever be like you, fully set free? I know it will take time and effort, but I have been working on it over a year, tried many of the strategies, and I am giving it my best. Gonna give it another swing (again...) but how do I know I will ever be free, and how do I look at myself in the mirror?

hundredbrachos wrote on 21 Aug 2024 18:27:

Wow, wow, wow... thank you for posting this. Super powerful.

Thank you Hashem for guiding us to GYE!!!

This totally couldve been me.......

thompson wrote on 26 Aug 2024 15:21:

Just think. If only there'd been a few extra pounds of fat to shield him, our good friend Shlemiel might've survived . . .

Yerachmiel is right, of course. Except when he's wrong. Shlemiel lost the weight - ergo Yerachmiel was right. 

Shlemiel's other friend, Shmeichel, also tried to diet and found himself occasionally binging. He also bumped into Yerachmiel (and knocked him flying down the street). Yerachmiel gave him the same speech, and Shmeichel was encouraged. But he still wasn't able to lose weight.

Turns out he wasn't training his body to rely less on sugar, he was just switching his eating habits from eating too much every day to eating waaaaaaay too much every few days. In short, Shmeichel was a food addict. 

Day 7. Still clean, still going strong. 

My therapist and I had a good session today. We talked about my progress over the last week, focusing primarily on my reframing and acceptance of the issue. I was viewing it as something so negative and gross, horrible, something that had to be cut out of my life entirely… but I realized, through learning tanya, reflection, davening, therapy, etc that it’s really a way for me to grow and connect with Hashem. This challenge was something I used to cope with my pain as a child, and now I have an opportunity to dig deep into the pain and heal it from the inside out instead of the outside in, with real, healthy solutions and connection as opposed to artificial substitutes. I specifically started looking at it as a challenge Hashem gave me to overcome and grow from vs something that makes me so evil, worth nothing, destined to fail in marriage, etc. which really reframed it for me in a positive way. Now when a thought pops up, I'm much more quickly able to accept the thought, acknowledge what it's doing for me, reframe it into an opportunity for growth and move on. I'm only 8 days into sobriety right now, after months of 1-2 week streaks, but this time it feels different. I'm not saying I'll be perfect despite wanting to be... but I feel like my day-to-day between the falls is different. The way I'm feeling, the way I'm viewing myself, how I'm dealing with urges, etc. is totally different now. I’m also working a lot more on self-love, and being happy and loving towards myself without needing other things to make me feel good, like work, or learning, etc. Although I enjoy those things, I need to love myself without those external inputs. 

My homework from therapy:

1. Self-love
   
   1. Inner child work for five minutes a day where I’m loving and feeling proud of the little boy for all he's gone through and overcome. Going from a young boy with no Jews on the order of West Virginia to becoming frum, healing from so many things and growing, etc. is something to be proud of.
   2. Situations where I felt bad about myself and messed up but I’m still there for myself and compassionate towards myself anyway
2. Continue to accept and reframe the issue
3. Put in effort and achieve my goals without using them as a measure of my self-worth

These are assigned to me because I'm a high energy, highly motivated/driven person, but when I push myself too hard I burn out and use P to soothe myself... so we're working on reducing the pressure I put on myself and trying to take it easy on myself.

Meaning, the P is a symptom of the problem of overworking myself, getting burned out and needing to self-soothe.

Overworking and burning out is a symptom of not loving myself enough to take time off, feeling like I always need to succeed, and if I don't, I'm not good enough, etc.

So really, to solve the P issue, I'm focusing a lot on self-love, the deeper issue here. I knew all along this addiction was a symptom of a deeper, emotional problem beneath the surface but I wasn't sure what that was, until now... it feels great to identify it so I can begin healing that part of myself.

Continued hatzlacha to all of you 

Thank you both for the kind words I really appreciate them! The forum has been a big help. It's a great place to share thoughts, receive support from others, etc. especially from those who understand what you're going through.

Dear jmyers99,
Thank you for your most amazing post!
You're a very special person.
Keep up your great work! The path to sobriety is like climbing a mountain... lots of ups and downs... until eventually you'll reach the peak! And then you'll be able to look back and understand how your challenging history was part of your great success!
Wishing you tremendous Hatzlacha & looking forward to hearing from you...
UpAndDown

Wow wow.  I read every single word. I found myself getting choked up a bit while reading your traumatic story. My feelings soon turned to deep admiration for your clarity and sense of purpose. Please stick around. I wish you tremendous hatzlocho as you continue your journey.

MinHamayim

Thank you! I'm posting about my daily progress here as well

guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/419465-90-Days-of-Teshuva-My-Recovery-Journey

WOW! That was a long post, I'll admit, but worth it! Great work, my friend! I am awed by your resilience, dedication and sense of direction. My friend, keep up the great work!

redfaced wrote on 21 Aug 2024 18:45:

Very true. May it never happen 

chaimoigen wrote on 21 Aug 2024 23:36:

I spent a long time thinking about that post about red lines and then you just blew it out of the water. I'll have to circle back around to that one day.

While I totally agree that there are differences of degree, it's sometimes hard to tell externally how sick someone is. I have seen people post here about "just" fantasy or "looking at women on the street" and they were clearly sicker than people who were actively acting out with other people. 
It's more of a question of how deep the lust has sunk in, not the actions it's driving you to do. Most of the time, the external actions are a pretty reliable indicator for how deep the lust has gotten in, but not always.

Like I said, you have to know yourself.

So if we're talking about me again, most of the time I think what I'm doing now is better than what I was doing then. But sometimes I catch the smell of death in the air and I wonder . . .

Thank you!

youknowwho wrote on 21 Aug 2024 14:52:

This is probably a terrible mashal off the cuff but here goes...If someone has a tendency to fall into a small garbage can and all of a sudden he falls into a big garbage can, should he stay there and cry about it? Of course he should get up, clean himself up and work on not falling into any garage can.

The question posed was is it better to be falling this way or that way, and my response was "don't focus on how to fall, focus on staying clean", ultimately when a person acts out whether through porn, or in person, it comes from the same place and requires the same approach. Because the writer has shown great resolve in the past by going 45 days clean, I recommend to use that to push further and improve, and not try to cheshbon which is the better or worse aveirah. Hope that helps