Good morning to all my friends of GYE,

Another day passed, another day of recovery – making progress and learning slowly how to surrender.

The 90 days chart indicates 7 full days. That is a landmark for me.

In the past (not so distant…) I have tried many many times to ‘stay clean’. Usually I made it to four days until I fell again. All these attempts have been made with no other tools or motivation than my own self decision, and of course were doomed to fail since I tried to overcome the problem by sheer force of will.

I understand now that this was only strengthening the personal issues which led me to be in trouble in the first place – guiding me with certainty downward.

I clearly remember that once I made it to seven days – but my motivation was completely wrong, and the fall of the eights day was not only inevitable – it was planned! So I can hardly regard this period of ‘abstinence’ as a ‘clean’ period at all. It might have been free of ‘acting out’ but it was filled to the edge with lust…

So this last seven days are a kind of Ze LeUmat Ze of that week I still remember vividly.

As of today, I feel fine. I do have some flashes of lusting coming every now and then – but I feel that I learn how to let them come and go without paying too much attention. I am enjoying myself too much with my new activity! I am busy working on my learning and understanding of who I really am, or rather who I want to be, and acquiring the tools just to do that. This is very satisfying and a source of joy. 
I also start to see the effects around me...
This leads to answer the question(s) of MaayanHamisgaber above...
What about the wife?
Well, we are going through a process here as well, as expected.
She is aware of my struggles and problems - up to a certain extent.
When I started the whole process, I told her about the fact that I was doing something new to take care of myself, without providing too much details.
We had some difficult times this last week, but we are now adjusting and learning how far and how much to share.
I'll be a bit more specific. I eventually told her that I joined an online community dealing with the 'issue'. That I take part in conference calls, that I am now part of a physical support group (without naming SA - but she has some idea about it), that I have a partner and that I have a sponsor. I also told her that I was writing daily on the forum.
I refused, and she understood, to dig deeper and share details about the content of any of the above exchange.
You have to know that during my marriage we encountered a lot of problems (like any other couple) which were certainly caused and increased by my personal struggle and eventual addiction.
She, as any human being - especially in our crazy generation - is not void of her own issues.
Her reaction to that was to go and learn counseling. She actually spent years of training and studying in various ways about marriage counseling, Jewish psychology, personal coaching etc. She now works as a therapist, counseling very successfully many people on various subjects - including sexual addictions / problems of various kinds.
This did not make my life, our life, easier... But it did provide the tools and terminology to speak about it, and a high awareness of the psychological side of our relationship.
I believe that now that I am working, with the help and support of all of you guys here, on re-building myself and get a life, all these efforts she had invested and the experience she gained will become very beneficial. I am also aware that this makes my situation a bit more complex.
But I must say that now, she feels also that I am undergoing something different, something that never happened in the past in my life. And she becomes very supportive and helpful, restoring the trust. We have to learn together where to put the limits. Yesterday evening, to one of her questions - coming from genuine concern and love - I answered "that's none of your business." But I said it in a caring and loving way (or so I wanted to) - and she accepted it with a smile. 
I am a bit afraid of the intermediate effects this process might have on her. I am positively certain that everything will turn to the best eventually, but there might be some 'lows' in the middle if we are not synchronized in the process and one advances a bit faster and leaves the other behind...
Awareness, care, love, respect, ... I think that these, together with a lot of help from Hashem, will make us succeed in building the home we always dreamt we would have.
This is also a great motivation, now that I can conceive that it is an achievable goal.

My Tefila is becoming more and more significant with every day, and I had some new (for me) understanding of a few words here and there. In order not to forget them, I decided to start a new topic in the BEIS HAMEDRASH forum, thinking it would belong more there than here.

You are of course welcome to read and comment - at your own risk!

Hazak Veematz!

​Benjamin​

GYEBen wrote on 17 Jul 2017 06:53:

I stay away from home and study piano for most of the week, and return home for the weekends.

On weekdays, I access the net via my mac and iphone, both of which have some decent filtering (except when I try to look up stuff on google or youtube, even then complete nudity is not accessible). My net usage on weekdays is possibly 2 or 3 hours daily.

On the weekends, I go home and access the net on my mom's computer, on which filtering doesn't seem to be working well. I end up being online for at least 6 to 7 hours on the weekends. Although the computer is not in my room, I wait for times when my mom steps out so that I can fulfill my lust... 

for me its not about filters
Its ONLY about radical change of character.
When i am not of healthy spiritual condition then i dont even need a computer, ill just go find the nearest corner and close my eyes to self medicate.

Just thought I would drop by and say hello. I hope all is well with you. I'm doing okay. Hashem is still keeping me sober which is a miracle. I say "Hashem" because I'm on GYE and talking to you here. I would normally just say God. So just keeping it honest. Some people want to get sober in order to get closer to God. That approach never worked for me. We see a lot of people in SA and AA who came into program agnostic if not atheist and by seeing the miracle of the program and by working the program for many years find themselves getting closer and closer to God. Old timers in program attest to developing a conscience contact with God. The idea for me as an addict,  that my acting out is what is separating me from God and that I need to stop acting out to get closer to God,stems from ego, dishonesty and self-centeredness. The fact is that I'm no further or closer to God whether I act out or not. When I act out God is right there with me, I just can't let Him in. When I reached a point where I was truly broken, the point at which I accepted that I was utterly powerless over life, the point where I didn't have much self at all then the miracle came. I had to be taken out of the way and then God helped me. That's just me, an addict of the hopeless variety that is never sufficiently grateful for the gift of sobriety today.

Welcome to GYE. I'm sure you already are a good person because you are here trying to get help. If you would care to pls share how much time you are spending online and where and when you are doing it. I only suggest that because it has helped me to look not at just how bad the material is that i'm looking at but how much it is interfering with my life and the perhaps the lives of others. 

Hatzlacha

Singularity wrote on 17 Jul 2017 06:54:

Sing. I added two words in you post. 

Thanks, Singularity. I'm trying to become a better person. I feel #nofap will take me a great distance in that direction. 

I have the same problem since I was 13 or 14. I actively try to find ways to see nudity as graphic as I can. I have allready watched shmutz on six days in july.

I started watching stuff in eighth grade on the computer and cleaning ladies ipod. In high school, I continued watching shmutz online, i spent much time on youtube looking for the worst. I also stayed up late to watch really bad shows on HBO. The average non shabbas night in high school I probably would spend hours watching shmutz. In 12th grade i tried to stop. when i would get an Aliya i would try to say please please try to hold on to next laining on Wednesday. Many times I did not. in 12th grade just to last a few days was a real killer.
On the night of the internet asifa, when everyone was being mechazeik i was being mechaleik between myself and klal yisrael by staying up late and watching. 
I went to yeshiva in Israel and knew if I could hold off during bien hazmanem i can really gain significant amount of time clean in order to kick the habit. came back for pessach and fell flat on my face. Same thing happened over the summer. Went back to yeshva shana bet feeling like scum. Did not go home for pessach. so when i came home for summer i had a nice streak. I worked during the day. but at night i was so tempted. i would not allow myself to even go on the computer for anything during the begining of the summer in order to avoid testing myself. When my work ended i knew i would have plenty of time during the day, and did not want to be tempted. The day after my job ended. i found a camp to run to, to flee from my house computer. after camp i had time alone at home. and low and behold i had a fall and started a bad fall lasting a few days. i remember feeling i blew it, everything i invested and worked for in yeshiva was for nothing. I was super depressed. than college classes started and i got a laptop for college work. originally i was so proud i had my own computer that i did not do bad stuff eventually i fell. I read dear bacher, and only finally did i install a filter. this was in my third year after high shcool. I am now in the summer after my fifth year out of high school. and i am still really struggling with watching and being tempted to look at completely undressed girls. I spent most of last night and much of last week and much of last few weeks looking for graphic stuff. 
Thats the summary of my struggle. I do not know if I am an addict or not. 
what i do know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that i struggle and have a problem. 

I have a problem. 
I have spent the last week in the mud.
But why do I need last week for this epiphany.
All I need is the weeks of the past decade.
Some weeks were clean, could be most. But some weeks were gross.   
Is it an addiction, I really don'y know. 
What I know is a struggle with graphic nudity. 

I sit in my Tzitzis dressed so pure.
As my heart and eyes take control. 
I like to think I am someone special.
what makes me special is my acting. 
My acting is so good, even I'm sold. 

The first step of recovery is to admit. 
I have to acknowledge I have to admit I am really sick.
My sickness and symptoms are the same, I choose to watch shmutz.  

Well, well done tinti! Opening up here is a good first step!! 17 days is a good commitment statement!

Every filter will have a loophole. For me, it's more of a rush trying to break a filter than just looking up bad stuff. It's not about filters. It's about radical change in character. That's the simple solution. Keep up the #nofap but ask yourself, #nowwhat?

Good morning to all my friends here on GYE,
I must start my day by posting something here, because I feel that this is one of the actions that keep me on the track.
Although I do not have an urge to go and surf on some sites I know too well, I have a strong feeling - just behind my head - that if I only release the tension and the attention I give to recovery slightly - I will fall back in no time.
The idea of 'allergy' to lust is helpful for me at this moment. I know that it is dangerous for me, no matter what the quantity or quality - so I must keep away from it. Just as I'd keep away from Nutella if I was allergic to nuts (God forbid!!! - I just love Nutella!)

Anyway, I have so much to tell about...
I had this life changing experience yesterday evening - I attended my first SA meeting.
I am still trying to analyze exactly how this makes me feel and how it will influence me.
This introspection by itself is a new experience for me. I see now that I am crippled.
I have a great difficulty to express my emotions even to myself, and feel almost incapable of exteriorizing anything, but negative energies. 
Yeah, I can get quite expressive when I am mad at something or someone... But then I realize that this is just an expression of being mad at my own self. 

OK, so let's stay focused for a second, SA meeting.

I met my sponsor (for the first time) a few minutes before the meeting and we had a very nice chat - I felt I could be completely open and speak about my addiction, what I did, everything... And somehow, I felt comfortable to share. That was a great introduction. And then I entered the room, slowly filling up with guys, normal guys, nice people, all smiling and apparently very happy to be here. You know, just some friends gathering for a common activity that they like, appreciating the time together.
Everyone smiled at me, welcomed me heartily, made me feel really comfortable and already part of the group.
Then we had the introductions. These nice guys spoke easily, without any decorum or pathos, about their past and present issues. And I realized that it is possible to speak about being a sexaholic. It is not that we are normalizing the thing.
The tone was not - "SO, I am a sexaholic, so what?! Sue me!!!", not at all.
It was entirely on the level of - I realize that I am sick and that I need help. We found out that being together, members of the fellowship is a great way to support the healing process. Many good people have gone through similar issues in the past and have designed a process that will help us overcome our illness and start living again as God intended us to live, as WE want to live. Let’s learn from them, implement the process, support each other and learn how it is to be free.
No guilt, not (too much) self pitying, no judgment. Acceptance, openness, care and love. Of myself and of others.
I looked around and I told myself that, yes, I belong here. Although these guys are all different, certainly very different from me for the most of them. But we have in common a fundamental thing that is really part of what defines me as being me. 
In another context, I would have been very judgmental of them. And realizing that makes me despise myself. How can I? On what base?! And then I realize that this is also part of the symptoms of my illness. I am in general very judgmental of others and that is a sure sign that I need help - help from all those that I just dismissed as being not enough this or too much that.
Well, the fact that I am able now to write these things here, and share them with the world (here it's safe... but I will share them also with my sponsor and IYH with my new friends, in the real world) is a sign of a starting recovery process, or so I want to believe.
So yes, I am sick - but I take care of myself! I am taking real very tangible steps in order to cure this illness and become a better person, an healthy member of the community, a good husband, a better father, son, brother, friend, employee... 
A Ben Adam, finally.
I felt so much care and warmth in the welcome messages each one of the attendees addressed to me that I had to speak also. And I did just that. Hesitantly, searching for my words, I tried to convey a simple message: I am grateful to all of you guys for accepting me here among you. 

The meeting went on and was over in no time. The hour passed so fast I found myself out of the door, chatting with the guys, exchanging phone numbers, and then... I was alone behind the wheel of my car, driving back home.

I am lucky because I have to drive a bit over an hour to get back home - and that was the perfect occasion to try and take all this in, digest the experience. Slowly realize that all this was for real. It was really me sitting there and speaking those words that never passed my lips before, speaking almost openly about what really bothers me in my life with fellow men that understood me. I did not just witness an ethnologic experience or so a documentary about I don't know what. I am part of this - and this feels good because this feels real. I can connect, I can start breaking the walls I have built over the years, sealing my heart from the outside. Brick by brick, I shall dismantle all until my heart is free again, exposed to the bright sunlight, the running blue water and the green valleys. And then, only then, will it be able to expand and grow, receive and give love and tenderness. Then, I hope, I will be able - for the first time in my life - to really make love.
There is a lot of work ahead, but the goal is definitely worth it! And I intend to enjoy each step on the way!!!

Hazak Veematz!

Benjamin

Hello! I am a 26 year-old male. I have been trying nofap for over 9 months and been failing repeatedly. My longest streak has been 17 days. I use k9 filter, but it doesn't block inappropriate Google results well enough. I keep relapsing all the time. I'm glad to have found this site!

Quick update: I don't really share my life on this forum anymore, but this I wanted to share. I went to an SA convention over the weekend and I learned a lot about myself. I have had a very dramatic year in my personal life and during the convention I realized that I might need extra help, beyond SA alone. I spoke with my Sponsor about it and he supported me and encouraged me to explore and try to get the help I need. I am now admitting that I, Shlomo, qualify for the S-Anon program and I am going to seek help in the anon fellowship area. The first step of S-Anon is that "We admitted we were powerless over sexaholism, that our lives had become unmanageable." I admit that 100%. I am powerless over it. Whether it be other sex addicts or myself. I have found recovery in my SA program, and thankfully I no longer suffer or struggle with lust. But my serenity and emotional sobriety has been a complete roller coaster. Not getting too much into it, but one of the parts of the S-Anon problem is "We consistently fell for people who could not or would not be able to love and support us the way we needed." I relate to that very strongly.
I feel like I am at Step 1 again (I literally wrote a Step 1 about this under the suggestion of my Sponsor) and I need a lot of help. But I am grateful that there is help out there for me. I hope that I find what I am looking for in the Anon groups.

Shavua Tov to all you wonderful people of GYE,
All is good, all is very good because I finally got to be tested in my strength of will and I believe I passed - just passed - but that is a big encourgament - or so I feel.
So, last week was a turmoil of decisions and developments.
First, my wife caught me in the middle of the night on the phone - for the zillion'th time - and that truned into the firm decision to stop once and for all - for the zillion'th time too.
BUT, I can't explain why, it was different than all the times before. No hesitation, no half way - I decided to go for the full thing.
So - deletion of all accounts and IDs on the video and photo sharing sites, deletion of the 'shadow' email accounts, a few other severing actions and then : GYE account, I started posting on the forum, started counting the days, applied for a partner - got a partner! 
Joined a phone conf call... Got punched in the gutts by Dov - THANK YOU DOV!!!!
I was welcomed on the chat by a fellow GYE-er... Turn out to be the best guy on earth... I've got me a sponsor!
And tonight - I shall attend my first live SA meeting.
OK - all that in just a few days - I can consider myself very lucky - or rather thank the Hashgacha for taking care of me like that.
The results were also good - I never felt better in my mind and body.
My Tefila is improving daily, I finally got to reach my weekly goal of 30 km running, I feel more energetic, at work everything is sudenly going better...
All was good. A bit too god actually. Because I caught myself wondering 'maybe I am not actually addicted?! maybe it was just an habit or out of lazyness or whatnot... See how easy it was to stop! I don't even have to fight it at all...'
And that turned on a red light. STOP! or rather HALT!!! (I've been reading the white book...)
This though is dangerous and will lead me directly back to square one - while I am barely at the start of square two. Thanks to wiser men than me, I have a questionnaire... "Am I a sex addict?" I passed the questionnaire again - and, bingo! I passed with flying colors! The answer is YES, definitely. OK - so continue working on it and stop thinking you are cured because you passed a few days free of porn!
And this morning was a refresher. I woke up around 0500 (thats more or less my regular time), but in a state of half consciousness, I had this very suggestive dream... And I brought to the front of my mind all the words I have learned, heard, exchanged with fellows here on GYE - and I consciously pushed the dream away. It took a few minutes - but I stood up and went to the minyan with as a man with a purpose... Hachnaa...
I am now fully aware that I wont be able to do it by myself and I am ever so thankful that I have you all here, to help me surrender and be able to open my hart, my mind, open my life to others, welcome the good influence and the Hessed flowing from everywhere and everyone, that is what will - eventually - enable me to find peace.
I am a bit overfown by emotions as I write here... 
I'll stop for now...
Have all a wonderfull week, full of joy and Kedusha!

Ben