Welcome!  You have come to the right place.  Check out the handbook.  Keep posting on the forum.  You were involved with girls for a long time.  That makes it harder to give it up.  It can be done here.  There are people on this site that were addicted for decades and are now clean for years.  It can be done.  NEVER EVER GIVE UP!  Keep posting.  You can learn a lot here.  A mentor, rebbi, friend is of infinate value in the recovery process.  Someone you can be open with.

I wish you all the best.  Keep posting!

37 days clean
37 days ago I found this website and I haven't allowed my eyes to view unholy things since. I haven't ejaculated and I haven't gazed at women. It has been really tough and I am trying my best because I honestly really want to change for the better. I have been trying really hard to control my thoughts and concentrate on healthy things. I feel like things are going well, but I often have bad days where I feel sad and depressed, at times stressed and easily irritated (along with all the other withdrawal symptoms associated with an addiction). These negative symptoms only seem to be getting stronger, but I'm not giving in. I still make sure to read Torah and other holy writings every day, and I still regularly read through the Guardyoureyes ebooks to keep me enthusiastic and motivated to stay clean from lust. Slowly I'm feeling more connected to Hashem and to my Jewish faith, and I feel that something good will come out from all this in the end.

Im not saying you are an addict nor am i saying that you must do the 12 steps..
However here is some insights from a program that works.

1.
12 & 12 Step Two, p.27  
To acquire it, I had only to stop fighting and practice the rest of A.A.'s program as enthusiastically as I could.

2.
Big Book: Working With Others, p.103  
Besides, we have stopped fighting anybody or anything.

3.
Big Book: Into Action, p.84  
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone -- even alcohol.

4.
Big Book: Into Action, p.85  
We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation.

Hi all,

It's been a while.  I lost my old account and -- though someone tried to help -- it seems like it's not coming back, so here goes -- certainly the fresh start is for the best.

I keep telling myself I'm young (early 20s), but that excuse is fading, and I feel this pressure -- others around me starting to figure out their lives, get themselves organized, etc. etc. and I'm not, and the reason is addiction -- I keep not facing stressful things.  After all, it's so much easier to waste away in front of a computer screen...

Anyhow, I am trying to take some steps to learn courage/normality, but everything is so...um, you know, hard.  It's hard to reach out to a stranger, hard to ask for help and to be persistent about it -- whether it be help finding a therapist, whether it be help building a resume,  finding a place to live, finding a chevreh, attaching to a chevreh, all of these except the "therapist" one are still hypotheticals at which I've not yet succeeded, and even that one took a couple years to get the courage to do, and it took some external initiative before it actually happened xD whatever I am right now, it is the opposite of a "self-starter" xD

B''H I'm not homeless and my parents, their money, and the "system" have taken care of me so far...but I'm still constantly escaping into the internet, into stupid games, b''h not porn any more but still an awful lot of fantasizing and acting out...it's time to figure out how to take help and get a grip.

When I was here last, the longest I ever made it was maybe a month...at the end of the month I was "high" to the point where it was a bit scary to me...but was still totally disconnected from my environment.  I tried connecting to people through work, since that's a natural source of structure, but that didn't last and ended up still being a "high" and not connection...the newsletters are sometimes inspiring and I keep reading them...idunno.  I'm going to review the resources/guides on this site and maybe figure out how to start living again.  

If not...well, for some reason the thought of becoming a spiritual "nobody" doesn't scare me, even though intellectually I know that it's an affront to what I am as a human and a Yid, and must be very painful for my soul...the intellect can drive some action, at least when I'm not busy escaping...idunno.  I don't know what to do.

Life is good
AEP

I didn't read your post that you want to start dating. but i'll tel you where i stand today. ithought marriage would help i thought i was better than what i've heard about etc. today i'm married. to the best of my knowledge my wife doesn't know of my problem. i lie to my wife like it's going out of style. i feel terrible about it.
what i would've should've could've done speak to either a therapist or an ex-addict before i got married now it's too late but if i can save another yid it might've been worthwhile
i'm not saying you're addicted i don't know but a therapist or someone with years of experience should be able to help

Shlomo24 wrote on 01 Aug 2017 17:36:

What's the difference between what you're saying & calling it being inspired by the fear of killing yourself? Is that not what's inspiring you to do what's right?

As an addict, no inspiration is necessary for me to give up my life to God. Nor will it help either, because my powerlessness is stronger than any inspiration. Listening to a shiur never helped me in the long run. When I realized that if I continue acting the way that I was acting I would probably end up dead, I got sober. It took me up until that point. And when I relapsed last year, it took me a month of dangerous activity until I realized how low I was and I got myself out of it. I'm a slow learner and inspiration hasn't helped me yet. Only raw reality.

It sounds like what everyone is saying is that we have a nice Yeshiva Bochur who is acting out with real women on a dating app. It's dangerous, risky, and definitely father than your plain vanilla internet addict. 

So, my friend, with many addicts, past and present, here on the board who've lived the destruction of addiction, we're encouraging you to get help. You're welcome here regardless, but what do you think? I know one of the biggest reasons I had a hard time quitting is that I thought I couldn't survive without it, or actually, I enjoyed it and DIDN'T WANT TO. Which is ok for now if you're honest about it. 

So do you not want to stop? 

Just disclaimer, this is all with no judgement. I don't know you and haven't walked in your shoes so I can't say how it could, would, should be. 

How come I didn't see this last year?

cordnoy wrote on 16 Jul 2013 04:24:

welcome! you are in the right place.
one thing you will learn here is that "exactly" doesnt matter. its not 7000 strains of a virus that requires 7000 different medicines and dosages.
its addiction and  there is no magic solution to cure it. 
but here at gye we can help learn how to deal with it and live life as if it didnt exist and better than we would be living had it not existed.
hatzlacha rabbah. 

you say that you are simply a baal taava and it seems like you think you might not be addicted. you dont seek out the sex when you dont get it. does that mean it comes to your door without you seeking them out through your app? in your own words you say that aftr one day of being off the phone you start to think of the wonderful time you will have with a girl, and then you text them, even though you know that after and during it is meaningless. it is obvious that your body needs that adrenaline rush which is the definition of addiction. 
im not trying to knock you or attack you but you seem to need help getting past that initial fear and denial of the fact that you need help. trust me, just like almost every pondsi schemer ends up getting caught when he gets too deep in, so does anyone doing the things you are doing. it just gets worse and then you get busted by someone you know. 
please please go for help. talk to a rebbi join a group.. you are not the first and wont be the last. you can trust them. i have  a friend who was attracted to men and in yeshivah tried to pull down my pants by force. i told our rebbi and my rebbi got him the help he needed and eventually helped him find a very choshive shidduch. he is now happily married for almost 10 years.
if you read the posts most people who got caught, was caught through acting out, not caught through gye or their rebbi or sa group.

Hello dear GYE friends,
It has been a few days since my last post, but a small sentence hidden within the White Book resonated particularly and I wanted to write it down - afraid to forget it, and happy to share it with all.
"We were free to see and admit what we really were inside because we were finally free from having to act out what we were".
The notion of 'freedom' is, for me, instrinsically linked to the process of recovery. I remember very well having a wonderful sensation of freedom a few years ago on one of the many occasion where I 'really' decided to stop acting out completely. It did not hold because I did not know how - I was not in the program and did not know of its existence.
But still, this wonderful feeling left an impression on my soul that I nurtured and kept and the process I am undergoing now is also being fed by this memory, in search of a constant state of joy and freedom that I do not want to loose again.
The horrible and depressing feelings linked to the unmanageable double life I was obliged to have in order to keep some apparence of order was taking me further and further down - just feeding my addiction and leading to unavoidable misery.
At last - I can release my true me, being myself naturally without the need to spend so much energy to 'act as myself' and this freedom enables me to at last stop being self centered - releasing this attention to myself allows to turn this attention to others, to the world around me and finally start living.

Benjamin

Bh I'm doing good lately but I have had a couple of dreams.... Although only one of them was wet, I'm coming to think that maybe it's an indication of my subconscious 

Haha not exactly singularity26 brother! It says the way you want to go, they will take you there. It's that simple. If you want that lifestyle, you'll get it. The problem is is they I made the choice to go with women and have that fun and lifestyle. It's not worth it though trust me. Leaving yeshiva after learning and meeting a woman has the adrenaline rush but after and even during, it's meaningless. I sometimes take a day off from my phone and try to introspect, and I would like to believe that I can get out of this taavah anytime and I try to prove it by going off my phone. But after the day I stmtsrt thinking about the wonderful time I will have with a girl, and I go back to the phone and messaging them. The fear I have from speaking to someone is tremendous. It puts my reputation on the line and future shidduch prospects as well on the line. The people on here who have been supportive of me creates a willingness and continued desire to change myself because I see so many helping hands. I appreciate the support, but it's not enough because I'm still falling. At the same time, I don't know much about addiction and I don't feel the need for sex always. I'm simply a Baal taavah and if I get the sex, then I get it. If not, I don't feel the crazy need to go and seek it out. It's more of the need to adventure or feeling to do something wrong that drives me. 

Today is my first day on this journey. As a matter of fact, signed up just a few moments ago. Struggled with addiction to shmutz for over ten years and lately taivah has just been increasing and scared I'm going to graduate to "live" fixes as opposed to just images. I have tried everything - filters, therapy, etc. I want to know from real people who have struggled with exactly what I struggled with and how they addressed this. Please help!