I have been “bad.” I have given into a habit I am trying to quit; a habit I’ve struggled to quit since I was a teenager. I base my self-worth largely on whether I give in to the urge or am strong enough to hold myself back.

Now, yesterday was Shabbat, and this habit happens to violate a halachah (Jewish law) of Shabbat. Yet I felt I could not stop myself. There I was: a so-called observant woman, with the hot tray, urn and lights left on, noI could not stop myself problem, but helpless in the face of my compulsive urge.

Aware I was breaking Shabbat—even as I continued to exercise this fanatical and futile habit—I was bombarded by thoughts like “It’s too late,” “It’s done,” “Why stop now?” The perfectionist in me is a big believer in all or nothing and felt despondent by the already tainted-ness of Shabbat. Hand in hand, my yetzer harah (evil inclination) was throwing out comments like “You’re so weak,” “Hypocrite!” “You’ll probably never overcome this habit,” “Something big will have to knock you into shape—one day,” “What’s the point of starting again now, as this Shabbat and week ahead have been ruined.”

The Lubavitcher Rebbe taught that the most powerful mocker is the one within yourself.

But for a split-second, the lights go on inside, and I see clearly the flawed nature of these thoughts and how I am captive to them as if they are truth. For I know, on a deeper level, we are all imperfect human beings making mistakes, and hopefully, getting back up and trying again—and again.

Suddenly, it’s obvious that the voice spurring me on to not try at all is actually what is evil, and not the act itself. There is always hope and possibility. Sure, some challenges are harder than others, for reasons that run deep. But we can change direction at any moment.

The Lubavitcher Rebbe shared: “Know thatWe can change direction at any moment what you did a moment ago is irrelevant. All that matters is what you will do right now. Any voice that holds you back from moving forward—no matter how justified it may sound—any such voice is a voice of destruction and decay, not of growth and life.”1

With this in mind, my aim is to really listen to these voices that I allow to rule and ruin me. When it is the loud voice of doom or gloom, or shame and blame, I clearly need to oust that voice from its position and replace it with the voice of truth, love, understanding, empathy and support. The voice that whispers to us that we are OK, that our neshamah (soul) is whole despite our imperfections, that we are always connected to G‑d, that we are always capable of choosing the high road and that we should do so right now.

Despite what took place even a second ago, now is when and where I have the power to script my life—and I can do it.

Hello dear brothers,

הודו לשם כי טוב כי לעולם חסדו

I’d like to share gratitude to Hashem and to all of you. Not so long ago, I felt totally beaten, hopeless, and depressed. After four years of;

- so called רוחניות therapy to learn how to fight my yetzer haro

- paying thousands of dollars for mashpiyim

- countless discussions with my wife trying to convince both of us that my acting out is part of history

- thousands of טבילות in mikvah

- buckets of tears during davening

- not having contact whatsoever with any women

- not watching a single movie

after four years of that I found myself out there again, back to square one, or should I say square zero because this time I crossed lines I never have before.

God could and would if He was sought, and today I’m a living example of just that, I joined SA because that was my very last straw of hope but I didn’t really think it’ll work for me, the longer I was going to meetings and still acting out the more convinced I became that I’m beyond repair, I’m a defected product, there’s no hope for me and sooner or later I’ll jump off some bridge and get out of this miserable mess of a life. Everyone in SA was talking about prayer and how they felt connected and that God listens but I didn’t even have the willingness to pray so why would god care…

And then the miracle happened.

After one meeting a member said to me “forget about praying – just ask”, these words for some reason made sense and I started doing just that, asking god to “please give me the willingness to get sober” – that’s all I did besides going to meetings, twice a day I’d ask for willingness.

Without getting into all the details, God gave me the willingness, I got a sponsor, started working the steps, daily readings, daily phone calls, daily praying – yes praying  , and believe it or not (I don’t), I made it to 90 days without acting out!!! Yes I’m still an addict, and yes I still feel like giving up some days, but I got so many blessings in my life, I now know my place, my life finally makes some sense, I feel hope, I don’t beat myself up anymore,  I can be honest with my wife about my hardships, my marriage is in a better place than ever before (even without sex 8 times a week), my kids feel that taty is there for them, and so much more, I’ll never finish writing if I list them all.

All I can say is THANK YOU!!! Thank you Hashem, and thank you all dear brothers for being there for me when I wasn’t even there for myself. Nothing more to say.