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02 Sep 2024 18:19
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tzaddikvikam13
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yitzchokm wrote on 02 Sep 2024 17:38:
hopefulswan89 wrote on 02 Sep 2024 17:08:
yitzchokm wrote on 02 Sep 2024 14:37:
hopefulswan89 wrote on 02 Sep 2024 14:05:
cande wrote on 02 Sep 2024 13:00:
tzaddikvikam13 wrote on 28 Aug 2024 00:52:
I'm a yeshiva bochur in beis medrash.
I've been struggling with m********ing for the past few years. I hated it from the beginning and tried stopping multiple times with seforim on inyanei kedushah, and kabalos with knasos, but I never had long term success.
Over time, I've stooped to other very low things, NOT because I had a taavah for these other things, but because one thing leads to the next. As soon as I would manage to keep sober from m********ing for a short period, these other taavos would disappear.
I'm not addicted to p****, but I'm not completely clean from it either. On the street I think I have the regular struggles of a yeshiva bochur, I try to take off my glasses before I go outside, sometimes mistakenly (or not mistakenly) see something and try to get a better look. I never had any serious taavah for pictures of p****, never found any hana'ah in pixels, but I have slipped sometimes, more out of boredom than out of taavah.
Over the past couple few years, I've been struggling a lot in yeshivah, and while there are other things in my life that can be causing it, I feel that my slips in these areas are destroying my ruchnius.
I right now have an unfiltered computer with Linux, which isn't easy to filter. If you have any experience with Linux or the bash terminal, PLEASE HELP ME!!
I'm looking to partner with a yeshiva bochur who has similar struggles, and with a yeshiva bochur who has gotten past such struggles.
can you clarify?
"I've stooped to other very low things"
things??
you dont have a taava for those thing??
you dont have taava for pics of pixels of nude women??
you only look @ porn when you bump into when your bored??
Why are you beating up on him?
I sent you a PM but it doesn't seem like you are able to read it. It seems that your posts are coming across as aggressive or judgmental. It seems to me that you are trying to help people but this doesn't seem to be the way it is being perceived. It would help a lot if you would be able to give people advice based on your experience in recovery rather than scrutinizing and judging people's posts. I assume you are unaware of how your posts come across so I am writing this.
Also, I think it would be beneficial if you open a thread and write what your original struggles were. You have over 500 days clean so I assume you are in the maintenance stage but I think it may be hurting people to see a newcomer who doesn't seem to be struggling and who we don't know that he ever was like one of us preaching from the podium. If you had a previous username and you don't want people to identify it then write about your struggles in general terms in a way that your previous username can't be identified but at least write what behavior you were struggling with.
I see that you have negative karma and I am writing this as constructive criticism. I am sure that you are a very good person and you are here either to help others or so that you don't fall or both. Every new person is a blessing to the community and it is good that we have you. I am trying to give you advice so that you can post in a meaningful way that people will find helpful. Thank you very much for your understanding and please keep posting. All the best.
Can you elaborate on negative karma. What does that mean and how is that number generated
People can press on the plus or minus button next to your karma. In general, it is a measure of how popular a person is. It is rare for someone to have negative karma and it usually means that something is wrong with the way the person is posting or with his behavior on the forum. With you I believe it is just that people don't like your style of posting. I don't think people have any problem with you as a person. It seems to me that since you are clean for so long you are primarily here to help others which is very nice of you. If you are also here for yourself you can correct my assumption. I gave you a suggestion about how to write posts so that people will benefit from them. I suggest that you read through a whole bunch of threads so you see the style of posting and back and forth posting between other members. It will give you a better idea of how to post. I appreciate your listening ear. All the best.
Do you mind continuing this conversation on your own thread?
My thread is getting too distracting for me.
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02 Sep 2024 17:46
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tzaddikvikam13
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cande wrote on 02 Sep 2024 13:00:
tzaddikvikam13 wrote on 28 Aug 2024 00:52:
I'm a yeshiva bochur in beis medrash.
I've been struggling with m********ing for the past few years. I hated it from the beginning and tried stopping multiple times with seforim on inyanei kedushah, and kabalos with knasos, but I never had long term success.
Over time, I've stooped to other very low things, NOT because I had a taavah for these other things, but because one thing leads to the next. As soon as I would manage to keep sober from m********ing for a short period, these other taavos would disappear.
I'm not addicted to p****, but I'm not completely clean from it either. On the street I think I have the regular struggles of a yeshiva bochur, I try to take off my glasses before I go outside, sometimes mistakenly (or not mistakenly) see something and try to get a better look. I never had any serious taavah for pictures of p****, never found any hana'ah in pixels, but I have slipped sometimes, more out of boredom than out of taavah.
Over the past couple few years, I've been struggling a lot in yeshivah, and while there are other things in my life that can be causing it, I feel that my slips in these areas are destroying my ruchnius.
I right now have an unfiltered computer with Linux, which isn't easy to filter. If you have any experience with Linux or the bash terminal, PLEASE HELP ME!!
I'm looking to partner with a yeshiva bochur who has similar struggles, and with a yeshiva bochur who has gotten past such struggles.
can you clarify?
"I've stooped to other very low things"
things??
you dont have a taava for those thing??
you dont have taava for pics of pixels of nude women??
you only look @ porn when you bump into when your bored??
Things that I'm too embarrassed to talk about, even on gye.
you dont have a taava for those thing??
They are not my main struggles, and I don't regularly lust for things.
It's more that when I schlep myself down with mz"l too often, and aveiros goreres aveirah, these teivos sometimes show up.
you dont have taava for pics of pixels of nude women??
you dont have taava for pics of pixels of nude women??
you only look @ porn when you bump into when your bored??
P*** isn't my main struggle. I probably struggle with it as much as any other yeshiva bochur. On the street, I have to fight. When I had open internet on linux, I sometimes ran after or bumped into p***, but I didn't feel like there was real hana'ah like in real life or even compared to printed p***. I made have tried it or chased it because of taavah, but I didn't really feel any pleasure.
Thats what I meant that ' never found any hana'ah in pixels'
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02 Sep 2024 17:38
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yitzchokm
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hopefulswan89 wrote on 02 Sep 2024 17:08:
yitzchokm wrote on 02 Sep 2024 14:37:
hopefulswan89 wrote on 02 Sep 2024 14:05:
cande wrote on 02 Sep 2024 13:00:
tzaddikvikam13 wrote on 28 Aug 2024 00:52:
I'm a yeshiva bochur in beis medrash.
I've been struggling with m********ing for the past few years. I hated it from the beginning and tried stopping multiple times with seforim on inyanei kedushah, and kabalos with knasos, but I never had long term success.
Over time, I've stooped to other very low things, NOT because I had a taavah for these other things, but because one thing leads to the next. As soon as I would manage to keep sober from m********ing for a short period, these other taavos would disappear.
I'm not addicted to p****, but I'm not completely clean from it either. On the street I think I have the regular struggles of a yeshiva bochur, I try to take off my glasses before I go outside, sometimes mistakenly (or not mistakenly) see something and try to get a better look. I never had any serious taavah for pictures of p****, never found any hana'ah in pixels, but I have slipped sometimes, more out of boredom than out of taavah.
Over the past couple few years, I've been struggling a lot in yeshivah, and while there are other things in my life that can be causing it, I feel that my slips in these areas are destroying my ruchnius.
I right now have an unfiltered computer with Linux, which isn't easy to filter. If you have any experience with Linux or the bash terminal, PLEASE HELP ME!!
I'm looking to partner with a yeshiva bochur who has similar struggles, and with a yeshiva bochur who has gotten past such struggles.
can you clarify?
"I've stooped to other very low things"
things??
you dont have a taava for those thing??
you dont have taava for pics of pixels of nude women??
you only look @ porn when you bump into when your bored??
Why are you beating up on him?
I sent you a PM but it doesn't seem like you are able to read it. It seems that your posts are coming across as aggressive or judgmental. It seems to me that you are trying to help people but this doesn't seem to be the way it is being perceived. It would help a lot if you would be able to give people advice based on your experience in recovery rather than scrutinizing and judging people's posts. I assume you are unaware of how your posts come across so I am writing this.
Also, I think it would be beneficial if you open a thread and write what your original struggles were. You have over 500 days clean so I assume you are in the maintenance stage but I think it may be hurting people to see a newcomer who doesn't seem to be struggling and who we don't know that he ever was like one of us preaching from the podium. If you had a previous username and you don't want people to identify it then write about your struggles in general terms in a way that your previous username can't be identified but at least write what behavior you were struggling with.
I see that you have negative karma and I am writing this as constructive criticism. I am sure that you are a very good person and you are here either to help others or so that you don't fall or both. Every new person is a blessing to the community and it is good that we have you. I am trying to give you advice so that you can post in a meaningful way that people will find helpful. Thank you very much for your understanding and please keep posting. All the best.
Can you elaborate on negative karma. What does that mean and how is that number generated
People can press on the plus or minus button next to your karma. In general, it is a measure of how popular a person is. It is rare for someone to have negative karma and it usually means that something is wrong with the way the person is posting or with his behavior on the forum. With you I believe it is just that people don't like your style of posting. I don't think people have any problem with you as a person. It seems to me that since you are clean for so long you are primarily here to help others which is very nice of you. If you are also here for yourself you can correct my assumption. I gave you a suggestion about how to write posts so that people will benefit from them. I suggest that you read through a whole bunch of threads so you see the style of posting and back and forth posting between other members. It will give you a better idea of how to post. I appreciate your listening ear. All the best.
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02 Sep 2024 17:28
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tzaddikvikam13
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hopefulswan89 wrote on 02 Sep 2024 17:08:
yitzchokm wrote on 02 Sep 2024 14:37:
hopefulswan89 wrote on 02 Sep 2024 14:05:
cande wrote on 02 Sep 2024 13:00:
tzaddikvikam13 wrote on 28 Aug 2024 00:52:
I'm a yeshiva bochur in beis medrash.
I've been struggling with m********ing for the past few years. I hated it from the beginning and tried stopping multiple times with seforim on inyanei kedushah, and kabalos with knasos, but I never had long term success.
Over time, I've stooped to other very low things, NOT because I had a taavah for these other things, but because one thing leads to the next. As soon as I would manage to keep sober from m********ing for a short period, these other taavos would disappear.
I'm not addicted to p****, but I'm not completely clean from it either. On the street I think I have the regular struggles of a yeshiva bochur, I try to take off my glasses before I go outside, sometimes mistakenly (or not mistakenly) see something and try to get a better look. I never had any serious taavah for pictures of p****, never found any hana'ah in pixels, but I have slipped sometimes, more out of boredom than out of taavah.
Over the past couple few years, I've been struggling a lot in yeshivah, and while there are other things in my life that can be causing it, I feel that my slips in these areas are destroying my ruchnius.
I right now have an unfiltered computer with Linux, which isn't easy to filter. If you have any experience with Linux or the bash terminal, PLEASE HELP ME!!
I'm looking to partner with a yeshiva bochur who has similar struggles, and with a yeshiva bochur who has gotten past such struggles.
can you clarify?
"I've stooped to other very low things"
things??
you dont have a taava for those thing??
you dont have taava for pics of pixels of nude women??
you only look @ porn when you bump into when your bored??
Why are you beating up on him?
I sent you a PM but it doesn't seem like you are able to read it. It seems that your posts are coming across as aggressive or judgmental. It seems to me that you are trying to help people but this doesn't seem to be the way it is being perceived. It would help a lot if you would be able to give people advice based on your experience in recovery rather than scrutinizing and judging people's posts. I assume you are unaware of how your posts come across so I am writing this.
Also, I think it would be beneficial if you open a thread and write what your original struggles were. You have over 500 days clean so I assume you are in the maintenance stage but I think it may be hurting people to see a newcomer who doesn't seem to be struggling and who we don't know that he ever was like one of us preaching from the podium. If you had a previous username and you don't want people to identify it then write about your struggles in general terms in a way that your previous username can't be identified but at least write what behavior you were struggling with.
I see that you have negative karma and I am writing this as constructive criticism. I am sure that you are a very good person and you are here either to help others or so that you don't fall or both. Every new person is a blessing to the community and it is good that we have you. I am trying to give you advice so that you can post in a meaningful way that people will find helpful. Thank you very much for your understanding and please keep posting. All the best.
Can you elaborate on negative karma. What does that mean and how is that number generated
Do you mind continuing this conversation on your own thread?
My thread is getting too distracting for me.
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02 Sep 2024 17:08
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hopefulswan89
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yitzchokm wrote on 02 Sep 2024 14:37:
hopefulswan89 wrote on 02 Sep 2024 14:05:
cande wrote on 02 Sep 2024 13:00:
tzaddikvikam13 wrote on 28 Aug 2024 00:52:
I'm a yeshiva bochur in beis medrash.
I've been struggling with m********ing for the past few years. I hated it from the beginning and tried stopping multiple times with seforim on inyanei kedushah, and kabalos with knasos, but I never had long term success.
Over time, I've stooped to other very low things, NOT because I had a taavah for these other things, but because one thing leads to the next. As soon as I would manage to keep sober from m********ing for a short period, these other taavos would disappear.
I'm not addicted to p****, but I'm not completely clean from it either. On the street I think I have the regular struggles of a yeshiva bochur, I try to take off my glasses before I go outside, sometimes mistakenly (or not mistakenly) see something and try to get a better look. I never had any serious taavah for pictures of p****, never found any hana'ah in pixels, but I have slipped sometimes, more out of boredom than out of taavah.
Over the past couple few years, I've been struggling a lot in yeshivah, and while there are other things in my life that can be causing it, I feel that my slips in these areas are destroying my ruchnius.
I right now have an unfiltered computer with Linux, which isn't easy to filter. If you have any experience with Linux or the bash terminal, PLEASE HELP ME!!
I'm looking to partner with a yeshiva bochur who has similar struggles, and with a yeshiva bochur who has gotten past such struggles.
can you clarify?
"I've stooped to other very low things"
things??
you dont have a taava for those thing??
you dont have taava for pics of pixels of nude women??
you only look @ porn when you bump into when your bored??
Why are you beating up on him?
I sent you a PM but it doesn't seem like you are able to read it. It seems that your posts are coming across as aggressive or judgmental. It seems to me that you are trying to help people but this doesn't seem to be the way it is being perceived. It would help a lot if you would be able to give people advice based on your experience in recovery rather than scrutinizing and judging people's posts. I assume you are unaware of how your posts come across so I am writing this.
Also, I think it would be beneficial if you open a thread and write what your original struggles were. You have over 500 days clean so I assume you are in the maintenance stage but I think it may be hurting people to see a newcomer who doesn't seem to be struggling and who we don't know that he ever was like one of us preaching from the podium. If you had a previous username and you don't want people to identify it then write about your struggles in general terms in a way that your previous username can't be identified but at least write what behavior you were struggling with.
I see that you have negative karma and I am writing this as constructive criticism. I am sure that you are a very good person and you are here either to help others or so that you don't fall or both. Every new person is a blessing to the community and it is good that we have you. I am trying to give you advice so that you can post in a meaningful way that people will find helpful. Thank you very much for your understanding and please keep posting. All the best.
Can you elaborate on negative karma. What does that mean and how is that number generated
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02 Sep 2024 14:37
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yitzchokm
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hopefulswan89 wrote on 02 Sep 2024 14:05:
cande wrote on 02 Sep 2024 13:00:
tzaddikvikam13 wrote on 28 Aug 2024 00:52:
I'm a yeshiva bochur in beis medrash.
I've been struggling with m********ing for the past few years. I hated it from the beginning and tried stopping multiple times with seforim on inyanei kedushah, and kabalos with knasos, but I never had long term success.
Over time, I've stooped to other very low things, NOT because I had a taavah for these other things, but because one thing leads to the next. As soon as I would manage to keep sober from m********ing for a short period, these other taavos would disappear.
I'm not addicted to p****, but I'm not completely clean from it either. On the street I think I have the regular struggles of a yeshiva bochur, I try to take off my glasses before I go outside, sometimes mistakenly (or not mistakenly) see something and try to get a better look. I never had any serious taavah for pictures of p****, never found any hana'ah in pixels, but I have slipped sometimes, more out of boredom than out of taavah.
Over the past couple few years, I've been struggling a lot in yeshivah, and while there are other things in my life that can be causing it, I feel that my slips in these areas are destroying my ruchnius.
I right now have an unfiltered computer with Linux, which isn't easy to filter. If you have any experience with Linux or the bash terminal, PLEASE HELP ME!!
I'm looking to partner with a yeshiva bochur who has similar struggles, and with a yeshiva bochur who has gotten past such struggles.
can you clarify?
"I've stooped to other very low things"
things??
you dont have a taava for those thing??
you dont have taava for pics of pixels of nude women??
you only look @ porn when you bump into when your bored??
Why are you beating up on him?
I sent you a PM but it doesn't seem like you are able to read it. It seems that your posts are coming across as aggressive or judgmental. It seems to me that you are trying to help people but this doesn't seem to be the way it is being perceived. It would help a lot if you would be able to give people advice based on your experience in recovery rather than scrutinizing and judging people's posts. I assume you are unaware of how your posts come across so I am writing this.
Also, I think it would be beneficial if you open a thread and write what your original struggles were. You have over 500 days clean so I assume you are in the maintenance stage but I think it may be hurting people to see a newcomer who doesn't seem to be struggling and who we don't know that he ever was like one of us preaching from the podium. If you had a previous username and you don't want people to identify it then write about your struggles in general terms in a way that your previous username can't be identified but at least write what behavior you were struggling with.
I see that you have negative karma and I am writing this as constructive criticism. I am sure that you are a very good person and you are here either to help others or so that you don't fall or both. Every new person is a blessing to the community and it is good that we have you. I am trying to give you advice so that you can post in a meaningful way that people will find helpful. Thank you very much for your understanding and please keep posting. All the best.
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02 Sep 2024 14:05
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hopefulswan89
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cande wrote on 02 Sep 2024 13:00:
tzaddikvikam13 wrote on 28 Aug 2024 00:52:
I'm a yeshiva bochur in beis medrash.
I've been struggling with m********ing for the past few years. I hated it from the beginning and tried stopping multiple times with seforim on inyanei kedushah, and kabalos with knasos, but I never had long term success.
Over time, I've stooped to other very low things, NOT because I had a taavah for these other things, but because one thing leads to the next. As soon as I would manage to keep sober from m********ing for a short period, these other taavos would disappear.
I'm not addicted to p****, but I'm not completely clean from it either. On the street I think I have the regular struggles of a yeshiva bochur, I try to take off my glasses before I go outside, sometimes mistakenly (or not mistakenly) see something and try to get a better look. I never had any serious taavah for pictures of p****, never found any hana'ah in pixels, but I have slipped sometimes, more out of boredom than out of taavah.
Over the past couple few years, I've been struggling a lot in yeshivah, and while there are other things in my life that can be causing it, I feel that my slips in these areas are destroying my ruchnius.
I right now have an unfiltered computer with Linux, which isn't easy to filter. If you have any experience with Linux or the bash terminal, PLEASE HELP ME!!
I'm looking to partner with a yeshiva bochur who has similar struggles, and with a yeshiva bochur who has gotten past such struggles.
can you clarify?
"I've stooped to other very low things"
things??
you dont have a taava for those thing??
you dont have taava for pics of pixels of nude women??
you only look @ porn when you bump into when your bored??
Why are you beating up on him?
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02 Sep 2024 13:00
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cande
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tzaddikvikam13 wrote on 28 Aug 2024 00:52:
I'm a yeshiva bochur in beis medrash.
I've been struggling with m********ing for the past few years. I hated it from the beginning and tried stopping multiple times with seforim on inyanei kedushah, and kabalos with knasos, but I never had long term success.
Over time, I've stooped to other very low things, NOT because I had a taavah for these other things, but because one thing leads to the next. As soon as I would manage to keep sober from m********ing for a short period, these other taavos would disappear.
I'm not addicted to p****, but I'm not completely clean from it either. On the street I think I have the regular struggles of a yeshiva bochur, I try to take off my glasses before I go outside, sometimes mistakenly (or not mistakenly) see something and try to get a better look. I never had any serious taavah for pictures of p****, never found any hana'ah in pixels, but I have slipped sometimes, more out of boredom than out of taavah.
Over the past couple few years, I've been struggling a lot in yeshivah, and while there are other things in my life that can be causing it, I feel that my slips in these areas are destroying my ruchnius.
I right now have an unfiltered computer with Linux, which isn't easy to filter. If you have any experience with Linux or the bash terminal, PLEASE HELP ME!!
I'm looking to partner with a yeshiva bochur who has similar struggles, and with a yeshiva bochur who has gotten past such struggles.
can you clarify?
"I've stooped to other very low things"
things??
you dont have a taava for those thing??
you dont have taava for pics of pixels of nude women??
you only look @ porn when you bump into when your bored??
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02 Sep 2024 05:04
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BenHashemBH
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Have you considered a timer? 15 minutes to take care of some things and then it locks. I think you can use parental controls for cell phone internet time blocks.
Whatever you need / think of throughout the day, keep a list and get to all the things later in one go.
Hatzlacha
I'm sure a lot of people disagree, but there could be a mehalech to use the Internet in a healthy way. GYE, Torah shiurim, education. Albeit, it should first and foremost be safe from schmutz.
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02 Sep 2024 03:03
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Mr94
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I'd like to ask the oilam's opinion. In the past I've tried to cut off technology completely, when I do that I usually feel pretty great day to day, problem is nowadays it's very difficult to function normally without using the internet here and there, so ultimately I end up breaking that commitment. The next approach is to use technology but only for non entertainment purposes, problem there is that I end up spending that same time on "non entertainment things" such as looking for deals, planning trips etc the things are endless, so while I'm generally protected from looking at inappropriate stuff I still am feeding my technology habit. The third approach is to only use kosher entertainment which basically has the same drawback as the second approach. So I guess my question is, is the first approach the only way for a guy like me and I'll just have to figure out how to live without internet, or is there a mehalech to use the internet in a healthy way?
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02 Sep 2024 01:17
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hopefulposek
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hopefulswan89 wrote on 01 Sep 2024 15:11:
hopefulposek wrote on 12 Aug 2024 16:25:
"hopefulposek" post=418998 date=1723479928 catid=4
Hi, Posting to keep grounded. B"H still clean and things are going well. Still have normal guy taaveh but feeling ok with where I'm holding. Intimacy is unsatisfactory and lots of frustration triggers at home, but that's part of life. the key is understand where the frustration comes from, give myself space to feel those feelings and slowly come to terms with the current situation. One thought which has helped me tremendously in combating anxiety which preludes frustration many times aimed at my wife (which can then lead to feelings of frustration in intimacy, manifesting in desires for other women who will "better understand and please me"), is that "I will take care of myself. I will make sure that I am cared for in whatever fashion necessary." I was surprised at how much this helped me, but I found it useful. I believe because much anxiety is catastrophizing situations ending in my being miserable, or not being able to do something exciting or important to me, and this thought reminded me that even if my wife is not going to be able to help me with what I need, I will help myself.
On the point of the frustrating intimacy, I found one thought which had helped me in the past but I had stopped using it for no reason. But first, my initial thought which helped the frustration in the intimacy is "I don't need sex to survive and be happy." This is fundamental in combating an addictive/compulsive behavior which one uses for emotional regulation and escape. Constantly (daily) reminding yourself that what you have taught yourself and what your brain is telling you is false. However, even though this helped me be ok with not having sex anymore, I still had the frustration when we would have sex and it felt like a chore, like I simply existed for the sake of pleasuring my wife. So I changed the thought a tad and found it helpful, "I don't need lust to survive and be happy." Not %100 sure why it helped me so much, but I remember not being resentful and frustrated during intimacy then, I think pshat is that now I'm happy with whatever level of enjoyment I get from being together with my wife even if it doesn't have a lustful atmosphere to it. I am separating the lustfulness from the sex and therefore find the pleasure and meaning in just being together.
There will still be the physical discomfort of getting all revved up and then denied the release, but it's also not comfortable to see a very attractive girl, get aroused and then not masturbate. It is ok to be uncomfortable. I think the best thing for that is to discuss with my wife (which I have tried already unsuccessfully) that it is extremely uncomfortable to be left without release at the end of intimacy, but I'm not sure because once you tell her then if she doesn't fulfill it will create frustration.
On a related note, I would like to get back to regular journaling, I fell out of it a few weeks back and it makes a discernable impact.
Hope this is helpful for the hopefuls out there, just got to keep learning about ourselves and be honest with our situation.
We feel for you. That can be very frustrating. It’s basically sadistic on her part. What’s her rationale?
There are a few things that can make a woman not in the mood of "finishing". She could just have been in the mood for snuggling and even though I step it up a notch she still isn't in the mood. She could be very tired and OK with some interaction but is more falling asleep to the intimcay then getting revved up by it (which I understand to be a common difference between men and women). Or she could feel overly stimulated after she finishes and then is uncomfortable continuing. Any which way I don't think the average wife is sadistic or selfish, they may just not understand the intense discomfort and emotional stress which it puts men under, as women at times enjoy simply being close and intimate without actually having intercourse.
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01 Sep 2024 15:15
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hopefulswan89
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tzaddikvikam13 wrote on 28 Aug 2024 00:52:
I'm a yeshiva bochur in beis medrash.
I've been struggling with m********ing for the past few years. I hated it from the beginning and tried stopping multiple times with seforim on inyanei kedushah, and kabalos with knasos, but I never had long term success.
Over time, I've stooped to other very low things, not because I had a taavah for these other things, but because one thing leads to the next. As soon as I would manage to keep sober from m********ing for a short period, these other taavos would disappear.
I'm not addicted to p****, but I'm not completely clean from it either. On the street I think I have the regular struggles of a yeshiva bochur, I try to take off my glasses before I go outside, sometimes mistakenly (or not mistakenly) see something and try to get a better look. I never had any serious taavah for pictures of p****, never found any hana'ah in pixels, but I have slipped sometimes, more out of boredom than out of taavah.
Over the past couple few years, I've been struggling a lot in yeshivah, and while there are other things in my life that can be causing it, I feel that my slips in these areas are destroying my ruchnius.
I right now have an unfiltered computer with Linux, which isn't easy to filter. If you have any experience with Linux or the bash terminal, PLEASE HELP ME!!
I'm looking to partner with a yeshiva bochur who has similar struggles, and with a yeshiva bochur who has gotten past such struggles.
Stay strong, don’t give up !
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01 Sep 2024 15:11
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hopefulswan89
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hopefulposek wrote on 12 Aug 2024 16:25:
"hopefulposek" post=418998 date=1723479928 catid=4
Hi, Posting to keep grounded. B"H still clean and things are going well. Still have normal guy taaveh but feeling ok with where I'm holding. Intimacy is unsatisfactory and lots of frustration triggers at home, but that's part of life. the key is understand where the frustration comes from, give myself space to feel those feelings and slowly come to terms with the current situation. One thought which has helped me tremendously in combating anxiety which preludes frustration many times aimed at my wife (which can then lead to feelings of frustration in intimacy, manifesting in desires for other women who will "better understand and please me"), is that "I will take care of myself. I will make sure that I am cared for in whatever fashion necessary." I was surprised at how much this helped me, but I found it useful. I believe because much anxiety is catastrophizing situations ending in my being miserable, or not being able to do something exciting or important to me, and this thought reminded me that even if my wife is not going to be able to help me with what I need, I will help myself.
On the point of the frustrating intimacy, I found one thought which had helped me in the past but I had stopped using it for no reason. But first, my initial thought which helped the frustration in the intimacy is "I don't need sex to survive and be happy." This is fundamental in combating an addictive/compulsive behavior which one uses for emotional regulation and escape. Constantly (daily) reminding yourself that what you have taught yourself and what your brain is telling you is false. However, even though this helped me be ok with not having sex anymore, I still had the frustration when we would have sex and it felt like a chore, like I simply existed for the sake of pleasuring my wife. So I changed the thought a tad and found it helpful, "I don't need lust to survive and be happy." Not %100 sure why it helped me so much, but I remember not being resentful and frustrated during intimacy then, I think pshat is that now I'm happy with whatever level of enjoyment I get from being together with my wife even if it doesn't have a lustful atmosphere to it. I am separating the lustfulness from the sex and therefore find the pleasure and meaning in just being together.
There will still be the physical discomfort of getting all revved up and then denied the release, but it's also not comfortable to see a very attractive girl, get aroused and then not masturbate. It is ok to be uncomfortable. I think the best thing for that is to discuss with my wife (which I have tried already unsuccessfully) that it is extremely uncomfortable to be left without release at the end of intimacy, but I'm not sure because once you tell her then if she doesn't fulfill it will create frustration.
On a related note, I would like to get back to regular journaling, I fell out of it a few weeks back and it makes a discernable impact.
Hope this is helpful for the hopefuls out there, just got to keep learning about ourselves and be honest with our situation.
We feel for you. That can be very frustrating. It’s basically sadistic on her part. What’s her rationale?
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30 Aug 2024 15:14
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Muttel
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A little late to the party here, great posts!
To echo R' Chaimoigen's point, Hashem isn't giving us rules to be able to zap us when we don't keep them. He's not a power-hungry counselor, teacher, older sibling, code officer, cop, etc etc that gets a head rush when punishing a squirming, pale, ashamed victim.....
Seeing what pornography does( n't do) for you and feeling the pride of victory over the damned Yetzer Hora (I love him for the reward he brings me! but that's for another discussion). Understanding how to cut off triggers and how to minimize our battle (I posted about it here guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/413043-My-ENTIRE-story?limit=15&start=135#416074). Understanding that the opposite of addiction is connection. These are tools that help you win The Battle of the Generation!!
You absolutely can win and win big!!!!!!!!
Hang on brother and feel free to reach out,
Muttel
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30 Aug 2024 12:14
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Mr94
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To me it seems like this last line really says that there is different void - other than the drive to accomplish - that is there and being filled through your entertainment/porn. (And I think that you were really admitting it yourself...)
So I think the question remains, what is the void? I think that as you start to figure out what is causing the void, you'll have an easier time figuring how to fill it other ways and therefore be able to break your current bad habits...
(As an aside, as a B"H regular, healthy guy without any childhood trauma, I also had to figure out what was going on inside myself, causing me to act out. HHM - Hashem Help Me - was extremely helpful with that. If you're bold, I'd recommend reaching out to him ( michelgelner@gmail.com). It can literally be life-changing.)
I think I will reach out, I find it very difficult to try to dig deep into my own mind by myself. Thanks for the lead!
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