Is there anything your wife can do to "get your juices flowing?"

We used to see one.  
She stopped.
 I kept on seeing  the counselor a few more times but then I stopped.

mystory wrote on 18 Oct 2017 09:00:

Oh no.
Do you see a marriage counselor?

So my wife and I had an argument last night.
   She wanted to have sex.   
I Did not.   

Long form.  
One of the ways for me to get interested in Sex is to get my juices flowing during the day.  In the past  i would ready  stories,  and sometimes masturbate but often would wait  until i could be with my wife.  But now that Im trying not to that.    My  interest  in sex also  goes down.  This has happand in the past and is one of the large stumbling blocks that i am having.

Great thread.

I am slightly older (36) than most you guys, and discovered GYE in Pesach of 2016. It was the gateway for me, and I have had some good sobriety, though a major life transition over the summer has meant that I really had to recommit to my 12 Step Program to get back to the derech this Fall. I thank Hashem every night for a day of sobriety (55), and I ask him every morning to grant me just one more. 

About this issue of being hard on yourself and remorse after a fall...The important thing about a fall, in my opinion, is that you learn from it, specifically, about the patterns that you are trying to break. This is addiction! And for that, the formal framework of a 12 Step group (even online!) can be very useful. According to GYE, I can see that I had a streak of 164 days during my first year in Recovery. I cannot decide anymore whether that is "long" or "short." He point is to ask for a day and to be grateful for a day. Really! Not to try and "hold your breath" for a day; or stack days up. So, what I discovered in the 12 Step groups is that the falls taught me a lot about the succession of events and feelings that let to the acting out...And just observing your feelings in a new, heightened way, turning all that analytical power that you have in your brain, developed in yeshiva and elsewhere, on to your own feelings, sometimes, in an honest and unvarnished way for the first time, can allow you to see things in slow-motion next time. That's when you catch yourself; put new fences, use new tools, and swerve out of the way, b'ezrat Hashem, the next time the addiction comes barreling down on you with the force of a freight train. 

Hi, 

Been struggling for years on and off. In my mid 20s.  Still single , Frum guy always been shomer Negiyah.
Im having a big problem with phone sex, sexting. Not touching woman or porn. Ive bh kinda grown out of the wanting of either one of those. Its the urge to have a womans number and to talk to them to stimulate me to do innapropriate stuff. Have to stop ASAP. Am in shidduchim. This urge is an addiction for years now and has taken over my life.

[some of you may have already seen this on the woman's forum, there was a mistake with my account, so I started again]
Hi, after a really good chat with my twin brother, over a couple of beers, he recommended this website for me. This is really the first time I have opened up about this subject, so it is a  bit difficult, so bear with. (here goes...)
I am 26 years old. I come from a frum, yekkish/yeshivish/litvish backround. Films where officially not allowed in our house, but we always managed to somehow smuggle in something to watch in our spare time. Nothing too bad as far as I remember, like 'friends' or michael macintire stand up comedy, 'war films' (the're clean after all!) and basically whatever we could get our hands on. Occasionally our father would walk in (always at the cringy parts, of course), and make a face or comment, but never put his foot down. 
Then in 2006 ( I remember, because i know what film it was) I saw a sex scene in a film, and as I was 15 years old, I felt a weird good sensation, and after inspecting myself, I saw, what I now know to have been, some sperm. I don't remember much afterwards, but pretty quickly I had taught myself how to masturbate and pretty soon I was doing it quite regularly, approx twice a day, though I really cannot remember. 
Ever since I can remember (seriously), I have had a fetish for tights/stockings etc, (as a toddler, I distinctly remember trying on my mother's tights, and feeling the smoothness against my leg (wow, thats the first time I have shared that with anyone!!!!)). I used this fetish, i.e I used to wear a pear of tights, to give myself additional pleasure during masturbation.
Now, I have always been a thinking boy, I consequently, I used to feel incredibly guilty and angry with myself. I remember during the winter months, going to mincha/maariv quite early, before anyone got to shul, and standing behind the peroches of the oroin hakodesh, saying viduy, promising not to fall again, or 'giving permission to Hashem' to punish me if I fell. I used to have a piece of paper in my wallet with big bold red letters 'DON'T DO IT, YOU WILL REGRET IT'. But nothing helped me, and thinking that I was the only one in the world who was going through this, I didn't speak to anyone. (although I remember my twin making masturbation sounds in the bed next to me, i never approached him, I just pretended that I didn't hear it). 
I remember battling with myself to seek help form my rov, but I fancied his daughter, who potentially could have been suitable as a shidduch prospect for me, and opening up to him about this problem would have blown those chances, so I never approached him! (am I mad or what?) 
Nothing change in Yeshiva, although I didn't have tights to 'play' with, I still had my head! 
The mashgiach once gave a shmooze about the terrible sin of hotzoas zere levatolo, but for some reason i still felt that i was the only one going through this nisoyon, and was embarrassed to admit anything as this would have damaged my standing in the yeshivah, bh i am considered a decent bochur. 
I remember having some success fighting the nisoyon, I always remember feeling so good and holy, even if a couple of hours later I would fall again. One particular time, on shabbos, I had a nisoyon, so I ran to the beis hamedrash and started learning, and, what I can only attribute to Hashem's kindness, I was able to answer a very difficult question on the sugyo, and after shabbos I wrote it down on the side of my gemoro, with a note explaining the circumstances of the pshat. So I have experienced small successes here and there. 
While in Yeshiva, I remember, complaining to my father, but I don't remember about what, but as a mechanech he must have caught on, and he came the next day to visit me, armed with chizuk seforim and the letters of the steipler on kdusha inyonim, these where very helpful. But, more than that, this visit, which was followed by another one, set up an honest relationship with my father, and which proved very helpful in many areas.
Then came marriage. I decided very early early on, to be very honest with my wife regarding my fetish with tights etc, reasoning that if she didn't know, she couldn't provide me with the kosher avenues of pleasure that i badly wanted to experience. I didn't, however, open up to her about my masturbation problem. Though, I remember discussing with her the difficult things 'boys' have to go through including masturbation. But I reassured here that at one stage I had this problem, but it had been dealt with.
My sex life was very rewarding on the whole, however since our marriage 3.5 years ago, my wife has yet to experience any meaningful pleasure (which our rov says is normal), this makes it hard for her to give herself fully, meanwhile i am desperate for her to enjoy it. When she is osur, my 'heter' to masturbate is that its better to do this than be oiver an isur kores, and when she is muter i say, i'd rather do this than for her to feel the pressure to have sex with me. 
About a month ago, I decided that something needed to change regarding this  addiction (even though I have managed to go clean for 2-3 week periods, I always ended up slipping) and felt I needed someone to share with, so I spoke to my wife (mistake, I was told my father and twin, subsequently). She was very supportive practically, with suggestions to speak to him or him or do this and read this, but having just relieved myself of a decade long secret, I just needed a hug and to be told that she didn't think anything less of me and that she would support me. However, the mere fact of sharing the information with a second person did help me control my yetzer hora for about 2 weeks. 
Then came this ben hazmanim (sukkos 5778), my twin brother is going through a difficult patch in his life, so i took him out for a beer and cig., after a couple of bottles we started opening up to each other, and since this issue for me was fresh on my mind, after mt revelation to my wife, I told my twin, who by now, for one reason or anther, i knew had or was going through a similar challenge. I told him that I felt i was alone, and i'll never forget his reaction, he shouted while placing his index finger on his temple"YOUR'E MAD, DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT......(my name) IS THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD GOING THROUGH THIS CHALLENGE" it was such a great thing to hear! He told me to sign up with GYE and he a gave me an excellent sefer to learn through. which brings me to the present.
Thats a little about me, so Hi everyone i hope we can help eachother.

Sorry to hear that brother! 259 days is a huge success!! maybe restarting to post more will help you stay focused and on guard. maybe. It will help you remember how important this is in your life. if you are mechazik others, something might stick with you. The key is for it to be your top priority. What do you think?

I just had a fall too so I feel your pain. It's not like I fell from anywhere tall (like your 259 days) but I still got hurt. Maybe forget about getting back to where you were. That might be too overwhelming and maybe even frightening (at least to me. 259? such a long time! so much hard work). You love porn and that's it. But nothing will happen if you stay clean for today only. Right? you can still call yourself a pornaddict, one day won't make it or break it. 

Good luck brother and may Hashem be in your way today!!

Welcome!  First of all, you have one addiction with 4 parts.  All 4 are unhealthy ways to escape.  These are just 4 unhealthy solutions to one problem (whatever your particular problem is).  

Second of all, your path to recovery will not start with finding out why it is wrong.  Recovery usually starts when it is ruining your life enough that you "cannot" continue.  It just hurts too much.  After some time in recovery, you will not even care if it is right or wrong.  You will just know that it is damaging and you cannot afford to do it any more.

Keep posting.  You are taking positive steps.

Welcome!  It sounds like you may have underlying issues that need to be adressed.  Addressing those issues may help with the addiction as well.  Have you reached out for help to anyone (other than posting here)?

Hi, after a really good chat with my twin brother, over a couple of beers, he recommended this website for me. This is really the first time I have opened up about this subject, so it is a  bit difficult, so bear with. (here goes...)
I am 26 years old. I come from a frum, yekkish/yeshivish/litvish backround. Films where officially not allowed in our house, but we always managed to somehow smuggle in something to watch in our spare time. Nothing too bad as far as I remember, like 'friends' or michael macintire stand up comedy, 'war films' (the're clean after all!) and basically whatever we could get our hands on. Occasionally our father would walk in (always at the cringy parts, of course), and make a face or comment, but never put his foot down. 
Then in 2006 ( I remember, because i know what film it was) I saw a sex scene in a film, and as I was 15 years old, I felt a weird good sensation, and after inspecting myself, I saw, what I now know to have been, some sperm. I don't remember much afterwards, but pretty quickly I had taught myself how to masturbate and pretty soon I was doing it quite regularly, approx twice a day, though I really cannot remember. 
Ever since I can remember (seriously), I have had a fetish for tights/stockings etc, (as a toddler, I distinctly remember trying on my mother's tights, and feeling the smoothness against my leg (wow, thats the first time I have shared that with anyone!!!!)). I used this fetish, i.e I used to wear a pear of tights, to give myself additional pleasure during masturbation.
Now, I have always been a thinking boy, I consequently, I used to feel incredibly guilty and angry with myself. I remember during the winter months, going to mincha/maariv quite early, before anyone got to shul, and standing behind the peroches of the oroin hakodesh, saying viduy, promising not to fall again, or 'giving permission to Hashem' to punish me if I fell. I used to have a piece of paper in my wallet with big bold red letters 'DON'T DO IT, YOU WILL REGRET IT'. But nothing helped me, and thinking that I was the only one in the world who was going through this, I didn't speak to anyone. (although I remember my twin making masturbation sounds in the bed next to me, i never approached him, I just pretended that I didn't hear it). 
I remember battling with myself to seek help form my rov, but I fancied his daughter, who potentially could have been suitable as a shidduch prospect for me, and opening up to him about this problem would have blown those chances, so I never approached him! (am I mad or what?) 
Nothing change in Yeshiva, although I didn't have tights to 'play' with, I still had my head! 
The mashgiach once gave a shmooze about the terrible sin of hotzoas zere levatolo, but for some reason i still felt that i was the only one going through this nisoyon, and was embarrassed to admit anything as this would have damaged my standing in the yeshivah, bh i am considered a decent bochur. 
I remember having some success fighting the nisoyon, I always remember feeling so good and holy, even if a couple of hours later I would fall again. One particular time, on shabbos, I had a nisoyon, so I ran to the beis hamedrash and started learning, and, what I can only attribute to Hashem's kindness, I was able to answer a very difficult question on the sugyo, and after shabbos I wrote it down on the side of my gemoro, with a note explaining the circumstances of the pshat. So I have experienced small successes here and there. 
While in Yeshiva, I remember, complaining to my father, but I don't remember about what, but as a mechanech he must have caught on, and he came the next day to visit me, armed with chizuk seforim and the letters of the steipler on kdusha inyonim, these where very helpful. But, more than that, this visit, which was followed by another one, set up an honest relationship with my father, and which proved very helpful in many areas.
Then came marriage. I decided very early early on, to be very honest with my wife regarding my fetish with tights etc, reasoning that if she didn't know, she couldn't provide me with the kosher avenues of pleasure that i badly wanted to experience. I didn't, however, open up to her about my masturbation problem. Though, I remember discussing with her the difficult things 'boys' have to go through including masturbation. But I reassured here that at one stage I had this problem, but it had been dealt with.
My sex life was very rewarding on the whole, however since our marriage 3.5 years ago, my wife has yet to experience any meaningful pleasure (which our rov says is normal), this makes it hard for her to give herself fully, meanwhile i am desperate for her to enjoy it. When she is osur, my 'heter' to masturbate is that its better to do this than be oiver an isur kores, and when she is muter i say, i'd rather do this than for her to feel the pressure to have sex with me. 
About a month ago, I decided that something needed to change regarding this  addiction (even though I have managed to go clean for 2-3 week periods, I always ended up slipping) and felt I needed someone to share with, so I spoke to my wife (mistake, I was told my father and twin, subsequently). She was very supportive practically, with suggestions to speak to him or him or do this and read this, but having just relieved myself of a decade long secret, I just needed a hug and to be told that she didn't think anything less of me and that she would support me. However, the mere fact of sharing the information with a second person did help me control my yetzer hora for about 2 weeks. 
Then came this ben hazmanim (sukkos 5778), my twin brother is going through a difficult patch in his life, so i took him out for a beer and cig., after a couple of bottles we started opening up to each other, and since this issue for me was fresh on my mind, after mt revelation to my wife, I told my twin, who by now, for one reason or anther, i knew had or was going through a similar challenge. I told him that I felt i was alone, and i'll never forget his reaction, he shouted while placing his index finger on his temple"YOUR'E MAD, DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT......(my name) IS THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD GOING THROUGH THIS CHALLENGE" it was such a great thing to hear! He told me to sign up with GYE and he a gave me an excellent sefer to learn through. which brings me to the present.
Thats a little about me, so Hi everyone i hope we can help eachother.

I recently realized that after internalizing all the info about addiction GYE offers us, on my way down I tell myself "you're lacking in Simcha, satisfaction/ you're too hard on yourself, x,y,z...and that serves as an excuse to fall! So like Nike just do it! We have to make sure we don't analyze this too much. For some people think less about the whole issue may help. Probably for the majority it won't but everyone must decide for himself.
keep on ticking!

"I no longer want to be beat down because of my sexual errors." 

I just want to point out in a very gentle and caring manner that We are not bad people trying to be good we are sick people trying to get well.

Sex/Porn addiction is not a character defect!!!!

You are not making any errors.

Your neural response to a very strong chemical called dopamine is what your "fixing" when you "use" porn to aid in it's production. Your literally getting high off your own drug supply.

Most of us "use" and "Relapse" when we are:

Lonely
Tired
Angry
Fearful
Resentful
Shamed
Guilt Ridden
Boredom

The above are some of the TRIGGERS we are POWERLESS over early in our recovery.(google trigger list)

Through the TOOLS of working our "Program" we become empowered, joyous, happy and free from sexual  obsession and compulsion.

TOOLS (just a few of many):
Journal keeping
Being of service to others (Service Positions)
Attending meetings
Therapy
Outer Circle activities
Not isolating
Using Porn blockers
Accountability to a Sponsor
Going to Shul

That's a lot to chew on. I've been in recover for five years. I have gone through long stretches of abstinence where I wasn't sober. Abstinence without sobriety is not sustainable and will lead to a miserable life. Take your time, start with Step one . Reach out to me if you like. I'm here for you

Hey yitzchok!
I'm actually having a little urge now so what I will write may not be 100% accurate, so as always be be critical.
The reason I'm writing now and not when I feel better is because it gives me extra chizuk in this current challenge and it could actually prove to be beneficial being that I'm " in the moment ".
let me clarify that I'm in yeshiva, so a big chunk of those 55 days were aren't very true. Also, I rarely do let any zerah come out. Im addicted to the action and to watching porn.
The forum is a huge source of Chizuk for me and I subscribed to Bgit's thread called Bgit's 2nd round or something of the sort. (It's usually one of the top/newest threads on the journey to 90 days part of the forum. I try to advise and read the posts others post and just getting emails saying that a new post was made to that thread is inspiring. 
I recently started to transform any porn scene which comes up in my head to be keduasha related so that instead of appearing as a porn scene it looks like a Jewish woman lighting Shabbos candles. This has proven to be effective a few times. The porn scene starts but without really paying attention she starts to light Shabbos candles! 
Nefesh Hachayim says that we, as we know ourselves, don't actually exist. There is a neshama up in shamayim which manifests itself on this world through our bodies. Thus, the human body is an avodas Hashem machine. The male body is the way it is because the neshama needs a certain toolkit (the male body) in order to succeed. Other neshamos were given a different toolkit, the female body because that is what they needed to succeed. Thus, I imagine a ropes extending from one source in shamayim (the "quarry"/ source of neshamos) to I and the girl about which I currently fantasize. Basically reminding myself why I'm here. 
One of the most important things is tefillah. I wish there were more davening times during the day!they're so inspiring! Just reading pshat is incredible. They're full of emumah, bitachon and reminding me why I exist: For Hashem!
Today was a really weird day because I felt exhausted even though I slept enough. I realized that I'm too tough on myself so I  decided to slack off. I said "I don't care leave me alone". The same can be applied here. " Y"h , please leave me alone. I am incredibly uninterested in your offer. (Although I am currently very tempted and may want to comply,) experience tells me I'm going through a phase I deep down I really really really don't what to." And proceed to think about cucumbers, or anything else.
I oarenthesised a part because I don't really like it since it's  a sign of weakness and may cause me to fall.
sometimes, when the backside of a woman arouses me, I imagine excrement coming out. Its my way of saying, "she's human, don't make her something she isn't. " 
I may be crazy but betachbulos Asei Milchama!
Hope that helped.
Let me know how things go

hello, I'm married and separated from my wife and I have an issue with pornography that must be addressed. a few years ago I had a serious issue of pornography and I overcame it. now I have a smaller issue and I don't think I would call myself addicted but it must be addressed. I am clean for 45 days and now I have no interest of going back. but the issue of pornography came from a difficult marriage and feeling down and having a very difficult time in all physical touch with my wife- she has no interest.therefore I want to address my issue so I will never ever go back to the bad sites no matter what situation and hardship I am going through.