Ok here is the honest truth...
Let me back up a bit.
This passed shabbos was a very rough day. Super rough. I woke up shabbos day early, learned for a while before davening then I went to doze on the couch for fifteen minutes before davening. I woke up at 8:15, I thought davening was at 8:30, so I was in rush mode, everyone seemed to be dragging their feet. Then I found out davening was at 8:45. It should have been a sigh of relief, a smile, and no big deal. That's what I thought too, but i just kindof dismissed the frusteration instead of flipping it to positive (doesn't really matter, not the main point here). The whole day was rough, davening was very challenging, lot's of hirhurim, etc..., the walk from shul was tough, flashy frum ladies (I was in a flashy community so some of the modesty was technical, but not in the spirit) now, that's not a reason to look, nor does it cause me to do anything. I was surrendering the whole day, surrendering lust, to Him. But it wouldn't seem to go away, Then came nap time, I was a little tired, since I had woken up late, I have been passing up shabbos naps for a while now, since I really don't need them and to me unnecessary sleep is another form of reality escape. But this case was different since I had woken up early (though if I were really honest about it I did get seven hours of sleep, so it wasn't essential). I asked my wife about cuddling a little, (I knew she wouldn't be up for more, because of how she has been feeling) When I asked, I kindof knew the answer and I even told myself, why ask if don't want to feel rejected. But I asked anyway and guess what? it was a no. I turned over and went to sleep a little resentful (even though I knew that would be the answer in advance.)
(new paragraph for reading's sake) I had a wet dream then, Remember I was still watching my eyes, and surrendering my thoughts, and surrendering to Him. Still it was what it was. I didn't let it get me down and went to learn with my chavrausa before mincha. That went well (though we didn't cover everything we needed to, we still learned well for the 40 minutes). During mariv I just broke down (good thing I was in the corner
) I just felt like such a faker, living a double life, even though I had made such progress in my recovery and I have acted more sanely in my life and grown in so many ways. I was battered and beaten, and at the end of the road. I felt like ten miles of bad road(kill). I said to Hashem, I understand that this is my package in life to bear, and that today was just a wreck of a day, even if it was technically sober in terms of acting out or actively bringing thoughts into my head, or davka looking/staring at women. I said, "Please give me the strength to keep going and that tommorow will be a different, new start.
(new paragraph for reading sake) Today I realized something about the whole thing. let me back up again. For the passed couple of months, I have been working on my shemiras eynayim, my surrendering, my davening, etc... BUT, I haven't been posting here, and somehow, lust had slowly crept back in. I don't know how, it was a gradual process. and I had been fighting it without realizing it for what it was. It mainly took the form of resentment to Hashem for the predicament that I find myself in. Let me explain.
My wife b'H is pregnant and really not feeling well. Definitely not up for any bedroom stuff (kimat nothing, except for a quick good night). For anyone not in this situation you might not be able to understand, it is not a small thing especially for a newly married fellow who is an
addict. Whoops! their I go trying to give excuses. None of this is an excuse, let me be clear, that is not my intention at all. What makes this situation particularly challenging is that it is always there, and I thought I had dealt with it many times, but it kept rearing its head again and again. The resentment, the feeling that she doesn't care about having sex, the feeling then that I must be a super sexaholic (checkit, irony
) which made me feel rotten, and then the resentment at HIM for putting ME in this situation of not being able to be with my wife. Parenthetically, pas bisalo is really something, when we were having a normal 1-3 times a week at the beginging, it was a non issue, sex wasn't a thing in terms of looking at other women. (I think that I was very strongly working in recovery then too, so this is not a proof really that it is good, and having regular access won't solve anything as long as I think that it is MY right to have sex and the universe is only in balance if I have regular sexual activity. It hurts to write that, it hurts more not too)
Either way, it came up the first time, the resentment and I spoke it over with my rebbe, and worked it out. It was smooth sailing (<---- the problem) for a few weeks, then it perked up its head again, I explained to myself, that she is sick, and I put myself in her shoes of always being nauseaus, and it made me feel more for her. I try to help her out as much as possible. I don't really understand what she is goign through (Hashem sent me two bouts of vertigo, I assume that was a taste of what she had.) My point is, that it comes up, I surrender that this is what Hashem has decided is best for me and I try to accept it, again and again it comes up. I think that I was suppressing it more than dealing with it, and it was wearing away at me, so naturally this passed shabbos was a consequence of that slipping, unbenknonces to me. Somehow I deluded myself into thinking that I was at a place where I wasn't holding.
I will try to wrap up, I realize that the oilam here has other things to do than read my verbosity (hopefully, the next one will be shorter: less catchup)
I don't know exactly how I got here only that I need to obviously step it up and be morehonest with myself, something that will only happen by posting more regularly here.
One thing that bothered me when I was rereading the GYE handbook is the line that (paraphrasing) we may have thought it was religious fervor, but really we were just relishing in emotionalism. (end paraphrase) I found this line devastating, since it implies that all the well meaning, and seemingly real kesher, with Hashem was all fake. I'm not sure how to deal with it exactly. today I realized that the GYE book also says that these are suggestions and if something doesn't work don't use it. So maybe that's the answer.
For sure I was super arrogant, to not continue posting here, removing myself from the forum in various ways, I tried on a few occasions to post on some other threads, but I was like 'out of the discussion' (that alone should have been an indicator I wasn't in the correct mindset 100%) and I was worrying that I was alone and no one could relate to my gargantuan life battle. It's comical as I write this, since so much clarity and honesty has entered my mind since I began this post. (DOV I love you man, read a bunch of the daily doses of you, and really straightened out some of my stinkin thinkin)
there is so much more to write so I'll just say heffalump for now.
I need to post more with I plan on doing IMY"H, just because I have this struggle doesn't mean that I am a screwup, I'm here because Hashem has a reason for me to be, and the fact that I am an
addict forces me to live the correct life, because the alternative is agonizing decay and death. I should feel happy that He wants me to fix and grow my relationship with him in this way. I am so blessed to have a wonderful wife, and that I"MYH soon a baby. Such a bracha!! The greatest brachas in my life have happened to me since I started on this journey for real. and with God's help I will continue to grow and achieve that which He wants me too.
I love you all chevra, thank you for listening.
-humbly, TC