eli613 wrote on 27 Oct 2017 04:29:

Hi and Welcome back our friend,

Happy to hear that you are taking serious actions of recovery.

Regarding what you wrote about willing to pay for a sponsor. Anyone please correct me if I am mistaken- as per most or all 12 step groups there is no such thing as a sponsor for pay. We give freely what we have been given for free. I think this is a core point of the 12 steps and 12 traditions.

Yes it can get harder for even non addicts like myself (I think though it seems others are trying to plant the possibility that I am somewhat a low level addict)

As far as staying active: This is a problem that many face at this stage and one needs to talk to a Rav/Professional/Dov as how to proceed as every case is different and needs to be discussed openly 

Hatzlacha

      True, when I first joined GYE i was convinced i was an addict... but then I realized there are levels of addiction. Many members of GYE have a hard time staying clean for even a day or two, let alone 2-3 weeks. Major self-confidence, self esteem, relationship, depression, and self-control issues are just a few of the things most members suffer from.

     While this is disturbing and sad to hear, it is also a tremendous chizuk for me to see ppl with a much more difficult path and still fighting! It gives me added strength. To thank Hashem for all that he does for us. and daven that he saves us (me, klal yisroel & GYE) from future nesyoinos, both from encountering them and from falling into them. B"H i am blessed with a healthy self-image, and really great relationships with lots family and friends i have a very active lifestyle. Realizing this, I started to reevaluate whether I am an addict or just an occasional struggling single guy. The first step is admitting you have a problem, so i did that. Now I need to figure out how serious it is.
     
     ​Is it something deeper and underlying?
     Or just something that can be corrected with some adjustments?
   
     I feel like in the past (6-7 yrs ago) I was lacking in maturity, motivation, urgency, and clarity. That's why after a month or so of abstinence I'd have a fall, not really trying to fight it, or get away from the trigger, I'd just justify it (beforehand, cuz afterward the guilt hits you). As I matured, I gradually gained more clarity, and it was effective in keeping me abstinent for longer periods of time (around 2-3 months each time) without much of a struggle, i'd prepare myself and learn how to deal with the triggers when they come up. Instead of only trying to avoid them, I learnt to look away, focus on a detail in the background, or think of a mound of smelly manure, do exercise etc. 

      Lacking motivation and urgency led to a fall after which I'd feel terrible for a few hrs, but then i'd get back on a 2-3 month journey, and start the cycle again. I feel like right now I'm in a really good place and I'm really equipped to succeed, but getting married can complicate things.... New triggers I haven't anticipated or experienced and therefore can't prepare for. (Preparation mentally is a huge part of my success, don't know if u guys see that too). I think all married men have times when they feel horny or aroused by an asur wife or after intercourse that wasn't satisfying enough. Therefore (IMO) every Chusson should prepare for this, and know how to appropriately deal with it. But perhaps addicts react differently, and need different preparation. If I am one (I'd rather be safe than sorry, and prepare as if I am) then PLEASE give me you advice and let me know how best to accomplish this. 

      Most of you said this gets harder after you are married, assuming that's true, is that only for addicts? Do ordinary men have a harder time than single men? Probably. Just because the nisoyin is right before him. And he can't ignore it. But on the other hand a semi-healthy man who is motivated, clear-headed, and mature realizes that he has a reason not to act on his animalistic impulses and restrain himself for his own benefit. VS a single guy who only restrains himself because he knows it's wrong in the eyes of Hashem, the motivation is just not the same (I don't remember who said this but there is a famous story of a tzaddik who said halevai ppl should fear Hashem the way they fear other ppl (Am I right, that the motivation plays a large roll in the commitment to abstinence?)

        Also many of you mentioned that I stay active on GYE. How does one do that without their wife finding out? I don't want to take that risk. I also don't like the idea of starting the marriage with hiding something. (my former [imy"h cuz it's only in His hands] acting out doesn't count as that was in the past and sneaking off to stay on GYE forums while my wife is busy, is in the present)

Thank you all for the Brachos, and imy"h Mazel Simcha & lots of Bracha by all of us.

Hi, 
I'm back on the forum, although it's been a while and I forgot my previous username. I have been a struggling addict for many years. I tried all sorts of things to stop my addictive behaviors but every time I thought I had it under control, well you know how it works... I recently started to join SA meetings and I feel like it's going to be very helpful. I am very serious about learning the 12-step program and obtaining abstinence. I am looking for a sponsor or a temporary sponsor (I would be willing to pay! if that's even a thing) that at can help me get started with the 12-steps. I'm very desperate. I don't come on this site often enough, but I will be back in a few days to check my emails. 
Everything else in life is great! Great Wife! Great kids! parnasah, Boruch Hashem!
Thank you. 

Hello friends. I just wanted to check in an get up to date. I'm sober since 3/19/2015 one day at a time with the help of my Higher Power and the program of SA. I remain very active in recovery by attending meetings, working the steps and doing service. Today I spoke to a group of people in an addiction support group and shared my experience and engaged in questions and discussion about recovery.

My computer keeps glitching, so that's all I got for now

Hi,

I'm originated in israel and english is not my mother tong so dont mind the misspellings.

My name is Jacob, and i'm fighting a heavy addiction with complications.

I have a nature of an addict. Everything i do is to the end and beyond, for good or bad.

First time i watched porn was around the age of 10. Out of curiosity of course, but the pics bore deep inside, and around 13 when i got my first 3g phone i explored it all the way. But i count myself as a real addict from 17, that was when i left my parents house.

I recieved traditional frum education, but my 'baaley tshuva' parents weren't really up to the task. My mom was all emotional and with my father i didnt really speak at all, so for me religion was just a bunch of nonsense with some more mind tricking nonsense on top. and i was a smart kid and a perfect liar, and small step after the other i stoped being shomer mitzvot, even though on the outside i looked just like everyone else.

Anyway i went to yeshiva, basically leading a double life, bars and girls at night and nice jewish boy by day.

Lucky for me, we all have some good spot somewhere deep inside that tells us the right from wrong and so i decided to check 'Yahadut' first. I was stupid enough to think ill just open 'Hovot halevavot' chapter one and see all the flaws in his reasoning. Boy i was naive.. And so when i was 19 or so i started slowly crawling back to the track. Of course the porn was there all along but i think that was the least of my problems at the moment.

Satan has many ways, and i met a girl who was almost in the same situation as me but she was a complete mess, aiming for suicide, and i helped her. In the process we became too close friends, and all of my progress went down the drain. But i left her with a tremendous effort , and BH today im completely shomer negia.

Over the past 3 years i had partial success with my addiction, constantly progressing with keeping torah and mitzvot, but i never got of the hook completely. God made me strong and with his help i've accomplished a lot but that was just beyond my reach.

Last yom kippur i decided i had enough and prayed as never before and a few days later i found GYE and started my 90 days jurney.

I hope God will give me the strength to complete it and be done with it.

It's been a long time since I have posted anything. I have once again fallen into the trap of opening the door to allow porn in again. It's sad that once there is but a crack it busts the door down and enters in as a robber to take possession of the home. You come to found out that he has given you a drug you have now become addicted too. It wasn't my desire to let him in, I only cracked the door. Yet, here he is, enslaving me with his poison. Though he may try to prevent it, freedom is but a call away. There is one who will send deliverance and cleanse your dwelling of all of the filth that this enemy has brought into your home. 
Though I call out, it feels as if it is in vain. He is not coming. I fall once again to satisfy myself with his drug. Then I am told to be patient, He will arrive, wait and guard yourself with the words of life. You will be free, do not be discouraged. 
Blessed be Hashem! Though I have allowed this deceiver to dwell in my home, I know my redeemer will free me from his slavery.

Welcome. it should be with hatzlocha. Stay connected. Maybe post some more details of the struggle along with approximate age. Chevra here are ready to help b'ezras Hashem.

Yizchok,

First I have to give credit to Duvid Chaim. I worked with him one on one on the 12 Steps for six months.

The first pain I faced was anger. Although I was always aware of it, I never confronted it. I come across as a very relaxed and even tempered person, but I had anger issues. Through the program, I learned two things. I learned Acceptance, which is to accept that everything that happens to me is exactly as Hashem wills it. It makes no sense to get angry at something Hashem puts on your plate. The second thing is that anger comes from pride and ego. When I have pride and a large ego, I take offense at silly little things. E.g., "How dare the chazan daven faster than the pace at which I am comfortable? I don't like him!"

The second thing I learned is that boredom at work triggered me into acting out. I do lots of meetings at home at night with people in another time zone. I would lose interest after a few minutes and start looking for porn on my computer.

Acting out as medication is described in the Doctor's Opinion in the AA Big Book. He describes a cycle that alcoholics go through, but it can be generalized to all addictions.

​1. Restlessness, Irritability and Discontent. I understand this as spiritual and emotional pain.
2. Spree. This is the actual addictive behavior. For me, it is porn, masturbation, etc. For others, it is alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, gambling. This is the medication. It relieves the pain.
3. Remorse. The medication is temporary and then I feel sorry and guilty.
4. Firm resolve. I make a firm decision never to act out again.

However, this is a cycle. After 4, I go back to 1, 2, ... The cycle is broken by addressing the underlying cause which is the resentments and fears that I have.

Yea, we need to refresh this place. Some more good content. 

hi,

Just went over a few your earlier posts and this one came across:
guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/319557-mid-20s-struggling
starvingthemonster wrote on 30 Aug 2017 21:38:

Sounds like you have been convinced a few weeks ago about this.

Just bringing it to the light.

Hatzlacha

Mazel tov on the engagement and for your marriage. May you be zoche to build a Bayes nemmon beyisroel and always have peace and happiness joy, and whatever one needs in your marriage.

Does marriage help for this challenge? 
1. I dont know.
2. I do know!!! 
how do i know? well I only only what was going on with me and what i have struggled. For me (that I am an addict as per today) my challenge started in marriage. I always thought it is because she is not giving me enough sex and enough quality sex. So I was trying to work on my bedroom life. However my challenge was slowly progressing. 

I dont know if you are an addict or not. Even if your not an addict (lets hope so) I dont know if the challenge will get easier. perhaps there is needed a mindset that sex is indeed optional regardless if yoiu are an addict or not.

Dov once told me a quote: working on the bedroom life for an addcit, is like putting out a fire with gas. (Take it or leave it).
starvingthemonster wrote on 25 Oct 2017 05:00:

I love this question am I denial? 
It is a catch 22!!! If I say I am not an addict then I am in denial. as they say addiction is a disease of denial. SO as cordenoy wrote the only person that can really answer these questions is you yourself.

wishing you again mazel tov and hatzlacha on your journey

Dov wrote on 05 Oct 2012 17:19:

Let's bump the sweet guy again

Welcome!  Check out the handbook.  Keep posting.

Welcome Slacho,

Follow Lomeds Truck and you'll learn a lot ;-)