hello I live in London, UK. I have been going through a huge long struggle and I really need help. I have been masturbating and viewing pornography for the best part of two decades. I have been wanting to stop for moral as well as religious reasons. I can sometimes go through periods of not doing it but the temptation always comes back and gets the better of me. I am 37 years old and been trying to get married for around 15 years. There is no excuse for what I do, but the struggle and lack of success makes it that much harder to get over my porn addiction. I find if I date someone, once a girl dumps me (which happens quite often) I go straight back to viewing pornography.

it has taken me a long time to realise this, but given the fact I have been doing this for so long, I now see it is almost impossible for me to stop without help.

hi, i ,who am no expert either,as well as many of us here,feel that your original one-liner warning would be no deterent,but since it blew up the way it did and therefore you were forced to elaborate it became more of a tumult and someone reading all the fiery  posts  i could hear might feel a little intimidated ,now , but i dont know if it can be fully blamed on you, although the other side explained their side well too.
just want to say that i was impressed with your gevura in posting what you truly felt would be of benefit to addicts although it was going against whats popular(although not neccassarily true),and the gevura of ending with shalom (the other side also had a share in that),as well as this post. 
hatzlacha and kol tuv.chag kosher vesameach!

it is..
however thats not so simple once we have a bad habit/addiction/disease of porn and masturbation it sort of interferes and messes everything up ... BH youre working on this now and iyh you can go into marriage in a healthy state.

hatzlacha!

BH still going strong!  Just saw just an extremely powerful PSA video posted by a Jewish organization which helps those struggling with addictions about the impact of a father's  excess drinking on his  wife and children! 
Very powerful eye-opener for me as a sexaholic!  Brought me to virtually to tears!
Imagine the  devastated looks on the faces of his young children while they were waiting to start their Shabbos seudah, when the father was out drinking with his kiddush club buddies.

The vivid dramatization of the wife's intense wrath as she lashes out her frustration and resentment  on her husband  is a powerful reminder for me about the destruction and pain my past actions caused to my wife and children.
May Hashem shower all of us with his infinite rachamim and enlighten us with the wisdom to realize the
magnitude of our problems and courage to diligently pursue the needed solutions. 

Thanks ieeyc. It's a great feeling to know that others have the same struggles. Hashem could have made it that only I had this addiction to lust and all those triggers, and urges and feelings. It is such a loosening of the burden that there are so many others who a experiencing almost the same thing.

For a few months I had some GYE chavrusas and really enjoyed being able to sure the burden with others. They petered out after a few months but I definitely benefited. Then I joined SA and that was also great to connect with others but SA didn't work out for me in the long term. I wasn't bottomed out enough to be able to take the program seriously enough and be mevatel myself to what my sponsor wanted.

And they tried to show me that I was going to end up getting much worse in my addiction and do more serious acting out like what happened to others there. But I didn't see that happening with my addiction. It just seems like I had been looking at the same kinda "mild" stuff online for 15 years. It wasn't getting more explicit nor was I doing more risky stuff to be able to act out. 

I didn't have any brain control, nor any way to deal with my cravings. So I was just giving into my cravings in thought but not acting out because of the peer pressure of SA. I remember that being some of the most difficult days of my life. Eventually I just couldn't live like that anymore decided it was worth it to act out. It wasn't even a quick decision but more of a deliberate one.

So I kind of just isolated myself for a couple of years again. But it's nice from when I meet friends and I can share some of my burden with them.

Now I have found mindfulness and have exercised my brain to give me much better control on my mind and thoughts. I can now identify my triggers and the resultant cravings and instead of turning to lust thoughts I can curiously feel what the cravings feel like inside my body. 

I have learnt from paying attention to the feelings previously associated with acting out that the negative feelings that result from lust are really horrible and whatever benefits I get from lust are short lived and only let me feel better temporarily. Therefore when I feel into my cravings for lust, I can make the right choice just to sit with my cravings with a curious awareness until they pass, like they always do.

​I do still miss the opportunity of getting out of isolation and connecting with others who are struggling. Maybe one day I will have a GYE chavrusa again or maybe when I get a stronger hold on my mindfulness I will sponsor someone who wants to go down this path. 

Hi sonicReducer,

I believe K9 will by default enable the strict-filtering mode in Google Search even when you are navigating in Incognito mode. However, the uninstalling and reinstalling may have changed some settings somewhere. If you still have access to the control panel, please look in there, as I am sure there is a box that needs to be checked.

If K9 was updated and does not have that option anymore, I would venture to say that this is not really a big deal. Why? Because so long as you have emunah in Hashem and are truly willing to get off this addiction, you would not choose to navigate in Incognito mode.

I remember Rabbi Mizrachi telling the story of a jew that needed to get somewhere in the city. He had two options: Take the shortest route which goes on the main street or take a detour on a quiet street, yet a much longer route. The jew knew that there would be goyim all over the street including immodest women; therefore, looking at them would be a great sin. But he promised Hashem that he would force himself to look at the ground the whole time so as to not awaken his yetzer hara. In the end, the jew took the shortest route thereby walking on the main street. B"H, he was able to walk the whole street without lifting his eyes. He had made it. He thought he was a tzadik. But was he?

The moral of the story is not that the jew was a tzadik because, B"H, he was able to make it to the other end of the city without looking at immodest things. If fact he was not tzadik at all. Quite the contrary! Why? Because he took a chance! He could have put himself in a dangerous situation! What would have happened to this jew, if an immodest lady would have asked for directions; if the person walking in front of him would have had a heart attack, etc. etc.—the scenarios are endless. Surely, he would not have been able to keep his eyes locked to the ground. Anyhow, in the end, he was not a tzadik because he took a gamble...

The same would be apply here. If you have emunah—B"H it does not matter if Google Image does not filter in Incognito mode. That would be like taking the main street whilst you know that you have other alternatives.

From a religious point of view you definitely should continue growing. Torah and tefilla have the ability to help you as the Gemara says. However anyone on GYE will tell you that we addicts must do other practical things to stop. Listen to the phone conference go to SA meetings. 
On a practical level expanding your horizons is good. If you only focus on this struggle you might just go in circles making yourself crazy, at least that’s what it’s like for me, so my therapist suggested I focus ALSO on other things and hobbies. 
Just think about the time your sponsor spoke and how you thought at that moment. Write it out and save it and read it daily. 

lifebound wrote on 23 Mar 2018 04:45:


Dear Lifebound.....Very well articulated! You were mikaven to a befarshe Dr. Twerski!

Kuddos again for coming back to the forum and sharing openly and honestly which are critical components of recovery Honesty Openness and Willingness.

I identify very much with the distraction addiction. Besides Lust,Masturbation,porn,and fantasy,and overeating my diversions include news (especially YWN,Linkedin and off course GYE and sometimes work)
Also, I  engage in the self-loathing and feelings of guilt which I now understand are toxic for me.

So,I just wanted to share something I read several years ago from Dr. Abraham Twerski,in his book called Let Us Make Man.His discusses the feelings of dread one experiences when  alone with oneself . He suggests that it has roots in feelings of low self-worth. This was really an eye opener for me because my default thoughts besides lust and anger,are self-loathing and self-pity.He further discusses that many folks who are intelligent,and capable and accomplished,ect will minimize their strengths and constantly focus on their deficits. My road to self-improvement began with an accurate acknowledgement and acceptence of my strengths,talents,unlimited potential for growth ect. 

May Hashem grant us all the honesty, openness ,and willilngness to accept ourselves and strive for continued growth and improvement. .

ieeyc wrote on 23 Mar 2018 03:05:

hashiveinu wrote on 18 Jan 1970 14:42:

i havent gone  to sa yet but when i was in fall mode  of mb and was very into reading articles here i have had this thought that its an illness and its not (such)an aveira, its an illness.although now in getting up mode BH  i dont see it as an illness but as a nisayon. i hope this contributes to the discussion,i think it had shaychus.

while im on this post id like to ask a question that mentioned by cordnoy ,and that is, fromwhat i understand that the Torah hashkafa  is , everything in a man is good in the right time even the things that we look as to be negative like anger , against reshaim it should be used ,to do justice , amalek etc. it just depends how its used , even kindness if its used in the wrong way  is badit all depends how its used .now i would like to ask what about lust,its something in a man ,in the right time ,with both partners(husband and wife that is )happily consenting, and no cajoling involved ,G-D forbid,lust is a holy thing (needless to say along the guidelines of the halacha),and what Hashem wants , its only  unwed people who do the same exact thing ,which is hateful to Hashem.
now where does that leave people with sa,they have to live with their spouses, so is the act done,or must be done,without lust?which leads me to my next question , since no one put up a thread  on definition of words yet,what does lust mean exactly?i would really like to have a definition of marriage without lust (is there lust if both partners are giving to each other and trying to make the other partner happy)because it seems to me that its mentioned alot on this forum  of how lust is poisen to an addict. 

just one more point we want to eat Matzah biteavon with appetite, and a mitzva s achila thats done with appetite is HIDUR MITZVA the mefarshim say (maybe  Rashi?) does the same thing apply to the mitzva  of being together with a wife, is it  included in this rule?
thank you in advance for your answer(s)

It was a reply to your 2nd last post that addicts feel free to break fences, and it's not considered a sin, which I don't know where you get that from. Yes they have a stronger "Yetzer"... Either way philosophizing belongs elsewhere...

I had started writing the reply earlier, but then my therapist interrupted for her session...

cordnoy wrote on 22 Mar 2018 23:08:

i agree that i know very little about sa and i am open to hear all opinions of it. but i think you misunderstood me. what you wrote is exactly my point. it is only a problem "for us" and only because "our lives are not managable". meaning that the act isnt the problem rather what it does to us and how it affects our lives. the problem is how we do it not what we do. the facts are that many people are "working" on recovery but are not actually recovered and are not guaranteed to be recovered so they are not holding by stopping cold turkey. its the mindset that sa gives which can harm them. not the rules.
about the "frume group", i am not familiar with it but it sounds like utter nonsense to me and i cant imagine any rabbi backing such a mehalech.
because im explaining the con, i feel like im coming across as anti sa. i am not at all anti and dont have a right to such an opinion. i can only say that its for sure not for everyone and a daas torah must always be consulted. it is the rabbanim and talmidei chachamim who are the einei haeida, and they are given a special siyata dishmaya to guide us in the way hashem wants us to go. the therapists and the methods given to us from the "world" are tools to be used, but with the guidance of daas torah.

hashiveinu wrote on 22 Mar 2018 22:31:

Thank you for this, although it's wrong. The experts in SA are very clear and it is in all the books that those who are in SA and those who are addicted, one drink of alcohol, or one bout of lust, is a killer for us, for our lives are not manageable and we cannot drink like normal humans. That is why they are so key on a sobriety date. As a matter of fact, there is another school, and this is from the frume group who say that lust is God-given and should not be abolished. It is wrong (they say) of SA to say that it cannot be tolerated at all, but rather, one should learn how to live together with lust. This is called "victory over" instead of "free from."

God speed to the truth and towards recovery! Amen!

again, i dont know anything about sa personally. everything im saying is from what people tell me. that said, what needs to be exlained is, why are so many people sold to it? im sure all of you reading this are thinking "the answer is obvious, because it works".
so im just gonna explain what it works for (again, not from experience of my own, but quoting many people who do have experience).
one of the the things i hear most from sa people is, "my life was unmanagable and sa made it managable". it seems like the point of sa is to restore your life to being managable and hopefully minimize the pain and suffering that comes along with being an addict. like with alchohol, the act of drinking is fine, but if it is ruining your life it isnt. what this gives over is that if doing the act as many times as you do it wouldnt pain you and make your life unmanagable, it is ok. along with that comes the idea that you are ill and not doing anything wrong you just have to heal yourself and bring your life back to normal, so if you slip up once in a while you did nothing wrong. as long as you get right back up and forget about the past.
this is very liberating and is the reason why people are sold to it. it makes them feel good and can save them from the chain reaction of i fell so what was my trying worth.
this is against yiddishe hashkafa. sheva yipol tzaddik vikam does not mean that what you did was ok. it was not ok and what you did was wrong. it was purely from the yetzer hora. and although you get up and move on, it does not mean you should minimize the chomer of the aveirah. you still must do teshuvah. its for hashem to decide if you deserve an onesh or not and if it was really an oneis.
what can end up happening is that once the mind thinks that its not an aveirah, just an illness, he may end up using it as an excuse conciously or subconciously and act out when he otherwise would not have, and this i know for a fact from more than one person.
for a goy this is perfectly fine but for a jew it isnt.
there are exceptions. im not a posek but some examples may be, someone who is helpless and will for sure do worse things otherwise, or is either a risk to others or pikuach nefesh or knows for a fact that this wont harm him. never can a person make this judgment on his own without the psak of a real daas torah. what ive heard over so many times is that whether or not you are a real addict, in sa there is a pressure to "confess" and admit that you are an addict. this can be dangerous.
so yes, most who join can end up feeling great, but although it can be very helpful for many, that feeling can also be destructive to others. so before joining you must consult a daas torah. and of course keep in mind the risks so as only to take out the helpful and haskafikally and halachically correct parts.
as far as dong it in a church can be a big shailah in halacha and a rov must be consulted. 

A reason yes to figure out if you are an addict 
since doing certain treatments can be extreamlly hard and uncomfortable such as going to 
a SA group starting that there is a great fear of being discovered of trying something new and not knowing how the future will work out so the natural tendency would be to procastinate thinking i will manage it doing one thing or the other only once you will fully understand that its not in my hands and there is no way i'll get out of this by myself will you be able to break out of the fear to go ahead and do whats right 
Not saying this is your case but certainlly if he allready got a diagnosis why would it be important to second it 
much succes in your way forward