Hi Newlife, Welcome.
    When you say that you "joined the program", what did you mean? That can vary from simply signing up -  to reading the handbook, joining a conference call (with or without talking), looking and finding ways in how ones life is actually leading one to act out.  I don't want to make assumptions - which is why I'm asking. Often (always?) it's issues in our life that is causing us to act addicted to lust, as opposed to our lust causing us to have issues in our lives. Did that make sense to you? It sounded confusing to me, but I'm really tired now so that could be why  . Basically in a nutshell, We think that we need to look for a solution to solve our lust problem, very often we are actually subconsciously using lust as the solution to our life problems!

Call # 4:
Thank God, we had 20 people involved in the calls on Tuesday.
Quick recap:

1. Action book - We became antisocial, lost jobs, unfulfillin' life, for we were too distracted, Teeterin' on the edge of chaos, we wrecked careers, homes, lives, been hospitalized, attempted suicide or even killed ourselves (?) because sexaholism destroyed our physical, emotional and spiritual bein'. 
Members share: I would not admit failure; I was not goin' to be defeated. Life was spirallin' outta control, yet I knew I could make it work - until I couldn't.Again and again, I made the same damn promises to stop; no matter how hard I tried, I could not stop. Heard the welcome call: Let go and let God!
I forgot that it was my best thinkin' that got me into the mess that I called my life.
My powerlessness went beyond anythin' I could have imagined. I would scan both sides of a busy street for objects of my lust.My first impulse was lust; my second was shape; guilt followed immediately.
As my sobriety has grown thru months of workin' the program, I have become aware of even more ways in which my life had become unmanageable because of sexaholism. It is truly bafflin' to me that i could not see it clearly until I had been in recovery for some time.

2. Big book - Many of us felt that we had plenty of character. There was a tremendous urge to cease forever. Yet we found it impossible. Truly bafflin' - the utter inability to leave it alone - no matter how great the necessity or the wish to stop.

3. White book - H.A.L.T. We learn the difference between indulgin' ourselves and takin' care of ourselves. We begin findin' what our lust was really lookin' for. Starts as an overpowerin' desire, demand that produces a high - somethin' to get us out of ourselves. Relief and pleasure - we seek it repeatedly and compulsively. It begins as a copin' mechanism; it dissolves tension, relieves depression..... it has the apparent effect of reducin' isolation and loneliness and providin' escape.
What seems to promise life is really takin' away our lives. 
It takes on a life of its own and becomes addictive.

4. Reb Meilech - mora - don't sit in father's seat; says the Sfas Emes that the RBS"O tells us, "Don't sit in your Father's seat; I am 'feerin' (runnin') the world; not you." Let Him run it.

Today - 12:30 iy"H.

GrowStrong wrote on 26 Apr 2018 08:33:

Ahem...thats BH  7 days clean,but whos counting...

lifebound wrote on 26 Apr 2018 05:47:

Yup I totally get that... I just felt that after what must be nearly a year of posting and 5 days clean, that ieeyc is not going to get clean from Torah and Chizuk..
Hence my question.

GrowStrong wrote on 26 Apr 2018 04:55:


To be fair, this is the "Torah & Chizuk Approach" board, which is, and I quote:


Just pointing that out.

cordnoy wrote on 13 Apr 2018 15:55:

Call # 2 - sorry for the delay:

1. Action book - Step one - We admitted we were powerless over lust - that our lives had become unmanageable. We discussed that we don't fully know or agree with the concept of "powerless," but we weren't gonna dwell on it for two reasons: 1. because some of us were pretty close to it anyway, and 2. there is a varied nekudas habechirah for every individual.  We were/are defeated and lust is killin' us. By acceptin' reality and acknowledgin' our disease, by embracin' our failure, we found hope.Surrenderin' begins the buildin' of the recovery road (not "road to recovery," for there is no end goal). The concept of "we" is strong, for we need others. The power the secret had over us somehow lessened. Guilt and shame melted away; this brings about honesty - oh, how important to be honest.

And what is lust? It is the excessive and unreasonable thoughts or feelin's that drive us to use or manipulate ourselves and others to enhance our self-centeredness egotistical emotions gone wild. lust is what we get when we impose a distorted spiritual attitude upon a natural drive; it is an obsession. We trade short-term pleasure for long-term pain - over and over again. The more we act out, the greater the lust hunger; the greater the lust hunger, the more we act out! Shrek!

2. Big book - Why does he behave that way? Hundreds of experiences should prevent him from takin' that first drink. Where has common sense gone? The answer is somewhat beyond us.He and we (and I) have no idea; we do know that one drink can cause us to lose complete control.

3. White book - We don't claim that our solution is for everyone, but for us, it worked/works. As lust has become an addiction, we cannot tolerate it and we have no other choice but to stop. aspects of the addiction: 1. tolerance. 2. (attempted) abstinence. 3. withdrawal.

4. Reb Meilech - Nesivos Shalom - day of chasunah the bachur came that he lost the best years of his life - five years before the chasunah. His reply - just before you a yungerman was just here that just fapartchked the first five years of marriage which should be the best. RBS"O gives us a present - it's called the future (and present); forget about the past and focus on doin' what's right. One who lives in the basement will find rats livin' there as well - get outta da basement!

I think if that’s how you feel, then run with it. Meaning take the days down if you’d like. On the other hand, make sure it doesn’t give you license in some way to act out.

It's nice to actually post (although I have been checking this site weekly) 
so first I would like to thank me dear Chaver(im) to whom I must shout out and say a Big Thank You, who never rejected me and never got angry at me they always found time for me (saying that I must say that they strengthened my Emuna in Hashem, well if say can say Hi to me, the Ribono Shel Olem definitely can and does so everyday 3 times a day to check on me amongs other things how I'm coping with this nisayon; the prayer before i sin to say hi I hope u stand through this and if not don't go insane and bury urself in guilt and the prayer after i fall telling me he still loves me and loves my mitzvahs, I should look at myself and be proud that I'm moving forward  (well if a bosor vdam could tell me this the infinite can do it in a more true loving way) and checking on my stability if I'm still feeling OK) and say Hi to all there, since I have joined the gue forum community BH the intensity and frequency of watching p.. And acting out (which I only do with watching p..) has lessened.
i wanted to ask a personal question, I feel that posting my the amount of days on the chart does me more harm than good, it's not because that i need to reset it when i fall, bc I don't think anyone is looking besides for me;) but bc  it send me a message that so many days past since last fall so maybe the nisayon is behind me and I believe that can cause me to fall? Those are my thoughts tell me what u think?

Bezras Hashem Part 6
 The navi said(i hope im quoting right)
AVONOSAYCHEM HITU EYLE,VICHATOSEYCHEM MON`OO HATOV MIKEM-YOUR SINS CAUSED THESE (THE SUFFERINGS),
When a person does a sin ,he creates a malach who thunderously is demanding the destruction of its maker -the sinner,and the malach also acts a barrier mechitza /wall  to block the blessings of Hashem from coming to the sinner and thats what
AND YOUR SINS WITHHELD THE GOOD FROM YOU means.
When a yid says a heartfelt vidui ,it quiets down the mouth of the malach and so to speak the wall/mechitza is removed ,and the beracha and blessings of Hashem are able to come  and reach the person.
Four benefits of Vidui:
1.It destroys the urge to act out again which is caused by the ruach which was created by the persons initial sin(not including the urge which is created by addiction)
2.It destroys(silences) the accuseing malach demanding his destruction.
3.It destroys(silences) the accuseing malach  and therefore allows ones Tefila to be heard by Hashem
4.It allows Hashems Blessing to come upon a person 
were saying vidui at least three times a day in shemone esrei by Selach lanu Avinu ki Chatanu,why not put some heart into it, its not hard to do , the gains are tremendous  , and Hashem is eagerly waiting for it kaviyachal-so to speak.
WARNING:WHEN SAYING VIDUI ON AVEIROS OF LUST, TRY NOT TO MEDETATE TOO MUCH INTO THE AVEIRA ,OR ELSE YOU MIGHT COME TO THINK , HEY IT WAS GESHMACK(Rav Shlomo Volbe ZTL)
Vidui- To take the responsibility for wrong doing and not looking for excuses...
(bezras Hashem,to be continued...)
       

Be`ezras Hashem,Part 6
      the Navi said,(I hope im quoting exact),
AVONSAYCHEM HITU EYLE,VICHATOSAYCHEM MON`OO HATOV MICHEM-YOUR SINS CAUSED THESE (THE SUFFERINGS),AND YOUR SINS WITHHELD THE GOOD FROM  BEING SHOWERED ON YOU(ROUGH TRANSLATION)
Once a person recognizes that through his sins he creates an accuser  that thunders accusations on him  for destruction and if its two sins,then its double trouble ,three sins,oh boy...and all this time Hashem is Nosay avon -He is bearing this terrible ,thunderous voice, and has patience with the sinner,nevertheless his sin , accusing malach  is acting like a wall ,a mechitza, holding back  Hashems Blessing and beracha from the person, and thats what YOUR SINS ARE WITHHOLDING THE GOOD FROM YOU means
and through vidui/teshuva he closes the mouth of the accuser ,hes taking away the wall/mechitza and now the Blessings of Hashem can go through .
Four benefits of vidui:
1.Destroys the urge to act out that is caused by the ruach that was created through his sin.(thats not included in the urge thats created by addiction)
2.It silences the malach that is demanding ones  destruction thats created through ones sin. 
3.It destroys (silences)the accusing malach,and now allows  a persons  Tefila to be heard
4.It quiets the accusing malach ,which acts like a wall by blocking Hashems Beracha from coming on a person.Parnasa, Gezunt-health and Nachas from children.
All these great things for something that were saying  anyway three times a day ,at least, in Shemone  esrei, by selach lanu, why not put a little heart into it?The effort is small , and the gains are tremendous!
 Vidui -to take the responsibility for wrong doing and not looking for excuses...
(bezras Hashem,to be continued...)

getclean wrote on 20 Apr 2018 13:48:

Welcome chaver. Thanks for writing coherently. Wishing you all the hatzlacha in the world.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 20 Apr 2018 04:10:

Well said HHM and great explanation in the previous post on the science of how the de-objectification takes place.

For me, in addition to the generic prayer for the woman's well-being I add an opening line/prayer and a closing line/prayer that does wonders for me.

Opening Line - "God I feel disgusting, that I'm lusting/objectifying after one of your spiritual creations."
(Once I say the word "disgusting" the power that she had over me starts to dissipate rapidly. Also important to note that by saying this line I'm not judging myself and being disgusted at myself (which never helps), but rather I'm describing a feeling that feels disgusting.)

Closing Line - "May she be a spiritual light and blessing unto the world." (This really helps me to think of her as a spiritual being capable of creating infinite spiritual light which inevitably transforms her from just being an object of lust).

So my 30 second prayer when I see/hear someone triggering goes like this:
"God I feel disgusting, that I'm lusting/objectifying after one of your spiritual creations.
Please bless her with a good day, with a loving husband and marriage, with wonderful kids, to be able to pay her bills, to feel well, to have whatever she dreams for etc.
May she be a spiritual light and blessing unto the world."

Works like magic for me.

Hello GYE,
This is my first time posting on a public forum about this addiction that has been in my life for almost 20 years. I am married and just like I am sure a lot of people in this community, I thought that these urges would be significantly curbed once I got married. That was not the case at all. Logically, that makes sense, why would I magically not feel the urge to act out just because I am married? I am still the same person, that has not changed. Maybe, it was desperate and hopeful thinking. All it did was make me feel even more guilty and weak because before I was only ruining my life but now I am ruining someone else's as well. Even just reflecting on the number of years I have struggled with this is extremely humbling. I am not new to GYE but I am new to the forums. I have been a subscriber to the emails for quite some time now but while I have found them to be helpful I do not feel that they are enough. For one thing, often times I will not feel motivated to even read them because I have this subconscious denial in my head that I even need them or I cant find the motivation and strength to deal with it so I don't even open it. Even when I do read them, I have found that the inspiration is fleeting and I do not have enough willpower to keep the inspiration going. I have also tried filters, and accountability software but I have always found a way around them. There is always something that the filter misses and there is always a new device or method of avoiding the accountability software. There are times when I am home alone and that is when I struggle the most. I am trying to finally take the long overdue leap and start utilizing more of GYE's tools because I think the only way to beat this is to fundamentally change who I am and I think that I will need support to do that from people who have been there. Thank you GYE for this incredible tool and all of it's resources, you are saving lives.

Try it and you will iyh see that it works. Basically you are telling your brain that that person is simply off limits. How can i "use" her as a "toy"? She is a person with needs just like me. She is someone's wife, daughter, mother, friend... What right do i have to use her/ "steal" heras an object of fantasy? This angle - one of bein adam l'chaveiro - morality, has a strong effect on us. Hatzlocha.

I would like to understand this concept a bit clearer, just because we make them into people, that wouldn't necessarily take away the trigger, The trigger is still there 100% ?? I have definitely heard an explanation before but not really understanding it now.
Have a good blessed sober shabbos