mzl wrote on 25 Jun 2018 23:44:

Or there is a way that many of us chose; become friends with other guys on the forum.

I feel terrible that I'm not so available to make new friends, but I still have plenty; some inI my own city and many when I travel.

If I want to meet some frum sex addicts face to face is there like a yearly GYE sex addict convention?

Hey 'mzl', nice thread. Three things I'm seeing so far that catch my eye: 

1- You don't write about love. You write about your your wife the way I'd write about a politician. Neither good nor evil but simply self-serving. And you describe yourself exactly the same way. You don't seem to judge it, but to accept it as a given. Kind of the way CBT folks (and Skinner before them) look at all people: machines that need to be accepted and worked with, on their own terms.

I think that's very unfortunate and even though I myself am a sex addict sober in recovery (as you may be? dunno) I still feel sorrier for your wife than I do for you. Because you write as though you know better. 

We all can relate to self-serving and ego, this is nothing new for me, my wife, for gedolim, or for anybody. But in a marriage there is usually a large 'buffer zone', called Love and people who share things like their money, their children, their body fluids, and their life-hopes, meet there a lot...many normal married people actually live there most of the time.
I don't get the impression from any of your posts that you have that zone in the landscape of your own life or mind. Perhaps your wife does, which is why she flies off the handle as you describe it, getting Furious at you. Perhaps you just see it as 'her selfishness' acting up again...but maybe your love capacity is so dead that you can't even see it in another person. We all tend to judge other people's motivation based on our own.

Perhaps you feel that you two shamelessly self-serving folks have been married for so many years without meeting in the middle, in that zone. So maybe you chuckle at the suggestion and feel so very sure that talking about love is a waste of time. 

But that's irrelevant. What's relevant to me is that you accept both parties' machine-like existence as a matter of course, w/o room for considering any other option called Love.

I have no time right now to write the other other two things I'm seeing in your posts, but hope to get to that later today.

I hope that everything I write is helpful for you and that you eventually come out of your shell of self-absorption. 

So far, I believe this recovery stint you are on, using GYE, is just another opportunity for you to add yet more layers and complexity to your self-absorption. My recovery and also my avodas Hashem are both based on the opposite language you have been speaking thus far, it seems.

Recently. pointed out to my wife that she lost so much weight that I don't feel any desire unless she is wearing something. And she did on purpose, she's big on her diet and on exercising, and I think she needs all this stuff, this is how she is. She needs to be the best.

A couple of days ago I noticed a very unusual behavior though, she ate a bunch of carbs all at once, like someone who is definitely not dieting. And last night we were arguing and she indicated that she was upset that she was too thin for me.

I think I am telling myself that I'll be able to control her into being my sexual servant because she is crushed by my dissatisfaction with her. That she ties her self esteem to my sexual satisfaction. This is the thought that kicked off my sexual addiction, when I saw an erotic cartoon along those lines.

I think that I cannot know for sure that this is indeed what's going through her mind. In fact, now that I think about it I remember that I have had this thought before and in the end it turned out I was wrong.

Much better ...

I think the forum is helping in a big to provide the motivation I need to stay clean.

My mother was nifter recently and every now and then in my mind I see her matzeva. I feel much happier knowing that when I am nifter people can look at my matzeva and think that I was a regular in a sex addiction forum in order to comply with the halacha day in and day out.

Yes, I am attracted to her, you are attracted to the girls in the ice cream shop. I am attracted to a ton of women at work.

I tried davening for women years ago. It works in certain cases, depending on what you are thinking deep down. It's a good thing to do regardless, even if you are not a sex addict. It's not really my cup of tea because I'm a scientist and I like minimalistic solutions. Perfection is not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. If it were the only tool I have I would definitely use it though.

With this woman if I just run into her I usually just need to remind myself that I have a choice not to think about her when I see her. Sometimes I think I don't have a choice. Like the other day, I really liked the way her dress fit snugly around her body and the thought that she wanted to seduce me. So there I had to really prove to myself that I had a choice not to think about her.

If I see her in a meeting I usually just need to focus on the business at hand. If she's talking I work hard to focus on the merits of what she is saying (is it correct, does it make sense ...) instead of studying how she fits inside her dress. If someone else is talking I focus on what they are saying. Does it make sense to me?

Yesterday a muslim woman colleague stood in my cube at work for ten minutes to discuss something she needed from me. While she's not really my type I was attracted to her colorful dress. At first I was thinking about it while she was talking. So then I focused intensely on our technical discussion.

Hi everyone today by work i found an online forum for non jews who are struggling with Porn and Masturbation addiction,as well as all kinds of other sexual problems they are facing in their relationship. So at 1st i didn't see it as bad to read through that forum............anyways as i was going through it i noticed that i was getting extremely triggered and the reason why this website interested me was not in any way to help myself but rather as a way to lust.

Anyways i'm really tempted right now to go back to that website........so i added "Block Site - Website Blocker for Chrome" to my work computer and added this website on the block list i will also add any other questionable websites i stumbled into in the future to get blocked as well. And in order for me to open up any of those sites that are blocked i must tell my partner the site i'm opening as well as the reason why i'm opening it and if i don't it will be considered a fall. Also if i purposely use another browser besides chrome to open this sites it will be a fall.......and will lead to me to join PA

Still wondering why the yellow star on my thread.

This morning I had a flash of clarity and I was amazed at how I am able to minimize my wife's childhood problem and think "it's no big deal." That's my bipolar disorder. But I think the flash shows that the wall of distortion is cracking, so to speak.

I want to say that saying some kind words to some fellow sex addicts and their good thoughts for me when they read my posts is giving me a zchus to see what I don't deserve to see.

WannabeFree sent me a private text mentioning this guardyoureyes.com/articles/stories/item/what-i-ve-learned-from-my-sex-addicted-wife-and-how-i-ever-married-her

I guess I enjoyed reading it. I think the author says that if his wife is the way she is there must be some reason why he merited this wife (which is to say he needs her.) But I think when ge wrote it he didn't really say what the actual reason was.

In my case I do know, which is why I agree with the article. I may not like it, but I understand what's going on. In fact, my view is that in so far as we are really one neshama, we are both here partly to live through this - the wrong idea that sex is a terrible thing that people inflict on others.

However the details of how we live through it is entirely up to us. We can transcend it, we can give up, we can be on a rollercoaster. But I don't doubt for a minute that everything that is unfolding is intended.

I think there is tendency to think that if I recognize a problem that means G-d wants me to handle it a certain way. That's a fallacy.

Dear members of this forum,
I am writing here this morning as I celebrated 6 months of sobriety ODAAT on Monday. I want to thank you all for answering me on the forum and on the chat, it makes a huge difference and helps me stay sober and sane. I feel amazing and it contrasts a lot with thoughts of suicide I had not so long ago and the miserable state I was in (fear, panic, social anxiety, financial fear, guilt, self hate, feelings of inadequacy, feelings of worthlessness, restlessness, overspending ect). I am still an addict and can fall any second, but I am not alone anymore and it makes a world of a difference. I want to thank god for his patience with me and all the miracles he performs every day, and his help in my recovery. My heart opens a bit more every day and I am experiencing a new light, true love and the appreciation of many things I used to take for granted. My old relationship with hashem was me trying to manipulate him into giving me what I thought was good for me, my new relationship with hashem consists in listening to what he knows is good for me. I was fighting god and anything that did not go according to the schedule of my expectations or my calculations (I was nice to this person so I deserve to have X, Y or Z RIGHT NOW AND FASTER OR I START TO BREAK THINGS!), I was retaliating against god I thought but I was in reality hurting myself profoundly. I am grateful to grow a bit more every day with god's help and I pray that I will not forget how it was back then and not lose that precious connection, just for today. A sincere thank you brothers, may god bless us all with sobriety today.

It seems to me their is two similar experiences both called "addiction".

Normal sexuality is a biological drive, and a healthy function of our psyche. The body's and minds urges can be powerful on their own merits and as Jewish teachings teach we know that their is also spiritual power involved. The Yetzer Harah. This is a normal persons struggle.

Now for addicts. A person with all the above challenges plus a certain amount of extra powerlessness (for whatever reason, disease or other) over their sexuality behaviors and lusts, probably indicated by multiple attempts and failures of trying to sincerely stop and quit, yet despite negative results fails again and again. This is an addict. Maybe a majority of people on GYE are of this type.

But their is a far worse form of addiction that seemingly only a much smaller percent of GYE members have. This form of addiction is all the above plus. These addicts behaviors have been extreme. Acting out in ways that risk great harm to themselves and others. Totally unmanageable things and self destructive. They risk STDs, they risk arrest, they risk losing everything, family, financially, and the safety their actual lives!

​So yes GYE has normal people with normal struggles, it has addicts with their struggles, and has some type 2 addicts as well. (although type 2 really NEED live meetings the most and therapy) 

So basically you are like everyone else here.

Hopefully the handbook has a buffet of different things you can try.

Don't worry about the language barrier, we understand what you are saying. Your English is pretty good.

Thanksfor your answers.

I do know the french part of Guard Your Eyes of course. It's just there is more activity here and I would like also to teach myself writing in english (it's a good opportunity).

Maybe I should read more articles about the subject and read more often the hizouk mails. It's the first time I talk a community about my problem. I hope, it will help me to figure out this issue. 

Mzl, I don't know what tools are the more efficient. It's just : I am alone, at home. it's late, I am tired or worry about daily life problems. Then, my desire begins. It is almost as if I lose the reason. I know how I'm going to feel myself after. So, I will attempt to bypass the filter (which I have done many times). And you the rest.
I can listen dvar Torah about the sin of zl, its gravity. How to be pure is pleasant, etc. A few minutes later, I can fall. 

afg wrote on 18 Jun 2018 17:01:

listen talking to a close friend won't help one bit, as they are really dumb and clueless about what is the right steps to take to tackle this addiction.
But how about making new GYE friends who you could chat (Private Chat some GYE people who have tasted some success) it worked great for me so hopefully it will help you as well!

 Love Yankel!

thank you all for your feedback 
my struggle began when I was young when I didn't  know what I was doing was a dangerous thing both on a  spiritual level and on a emotional level 
the older I got the more I learnt the effect its having on my Judaism and my emotional well being  
but of course the older I got the bigger the addiction was 
in regards to my Judaism I felt numb I felt like I had little connection to hashem,why would hashem help me if I've done so much wrong to him, why would I learn or daven, why would I try to grow if I'm really just so low.
the emotional toll also wasn't easy, lying to peaple ,lying to myself and haveing no one talk to doesn't make anything easier.
at one point I brought it up with a rebbi but I didn't feel he got me and I was just to embaresd to spill out everything. 
theres  times I try to stop the longest I've gone is probley 30 days 
that brings me to now we're I'm older and I'm just still fighting this never ending fight