hey all its been a while 
ive had a ton of up and downs still the last post but its a lot harder to post these days since my computer is totally of limits to me since the filter sometimes spazzes and even with it there sites i can access so as of now tottaly off limits                                     
skipping to the chase just started on a new streak heres some things which have really helped in the past plus some new ones this time round not saying they are going to work for everyone or anyone just sharing my journey 
1) I intensly dislike the summer (dont want to use hate on one of G-Ds creations)
2) 30$ knas if i watch porn or masturbate with out calling a friend first nothing on the actual acting out just on before acting out ( I love this guy everybody should be zocheh to have a friend like this)
3) Computer being off limits
4) i have to check with my friend at the end of each day 
5) learn a little bit of the sefer Zos Brisi every night before bed (not getting in to the whole torah addiction aspect it works for me suck it up if you dont like it)
6) doing at least ten minutes a day of the book gentle path through the twelve steps given to me by my psychologist (same thing as before if you dont like the twelve steps suck it up it works for me not interested in arguing)
7) having something to think about in bed while falling asleep usually torah 
8) going to my psycholosigst every week (same as my friend just awsome thanks to the one above for arranging this)
9) checking in with my Mashgiach every week 
10)ODAT
11) Reveiwing in my head the fealing that i had last fall when i had a tzad to call a friend that "i would have been happier if i had called ploni"
12) Achron chaviv would impossible without the help of G-D 
hopefully i can at least get my five months back and more 

I hit Day 30....crazy thing is I dont miss (most of the time).

I cant wait to get my 30 Day chip at the next SA meeting.

The crazier thing is I actually look forward to going to my SA meeting.  I feared going more then death itself when I first started...see my previous post...now am disappointed if I miss a week.

For all those struggling that are addicts (am not sure where I fall in that continuum)...SA meeting are the only solution.

For me next steps...keep this streak going.  I pray everyday and thank God for the last day of soberness and ask for his help getting me to the next day.

I wonder what got me to this step (yes only 30 days) but just feels different this time...and I think what Dov said way back when...its about surrender.  Never really knew what or who I was surrendering to...its to myself.  Can no longer feel that sadness/emptiness after porn/masturbation or meeting a friend with benefits.  As soon as the act is over of the seaman hits the floor...deep sadness always washed over me.

Now I can think through this and imagine what it will feel like...and the trade is just not worth it.

Sorry for rambling....

On to Victory...or false bravado?

Shabbat Shalom

Nachshon

Yes! One of the most important things for dealing with both addiction and bipolar is loving yourself. In mindfulness there is a practice called lovingkindness which is all about evoking the emotion of love to oneself and it does wonders. Real life-changer. 

I talked about it on one of my forum posts and I plan on doing a series of posts about the loving kindness meditation in about a week. There is basically a meditation where you build up the feelings of love to yourself. I thought it was stupid at first and for 2 years whenever I heard about it I just thought "na, thats not for me, it doesn't make sense" But I really see how important it is in the last couple of weeks. That is what I am starting to focus on now.

There are many sources about this in Torah. Somebody just pointed out to me Lekutei Moharan 22:5 and 282. Hatzlacha!

Thanks for all the encouragement guys! 
Mzl - as far as going to actual meetings I'm definitely not interested in going down that path. If my "need" to view innapropriate things progresses to the point of where I feel addicted then maybe. But whether or not I am addicted, and I feel strongly that I am not, I just can't see that happening. I don't feel that for me it would be the best thing. I think I'm just a regular guy with a fat yetzer hara. Hashem sends me challenges that mostly come in this form and I'm bh very grateful that this is my hardest challenge in life. There are many people with sick children or deaths of loved ones. Bh bh those are not my challenges. I have to learn to cope with strong urges to act out and not give in to my yetzer hara so easily. 

Hank_Moody wrote on 02 Jul 2018 06:32:

Tired and unhappy? You might be hangin' around the wrong group!?

Thank you very much for sharing.
I understand what you're saying and many people in SA that have been in the program for many years are saying the same things. That they are not battling but surrendered. I hope i'm wrong but right now to me that sounds a lot like self-dellusion. Because I see these men. See how tired they are. How unhappy they are. I hear their stories which are almost the same every time they speak. About their temptations, about wanting to keep looking at "toxic objects" etc. And nothing changes. Yes. They grow spiritually, which is great. Yes, maybe their urge is not as strong as it was, but it's still there. Even after 20 years. So for me, 12 steps are a great tool for growing spiritually, yes. But if it doesn't help you with the problem for which it is intended, I don't think it is right to call it efficient. It's like when you came to a dentist with a pain in your tooth and he made you a better person. Okay. But what about that tooth? Of course, I'll give time to the program, and see how it goes, but as of now, i have a lot of doubts about its efficiency regarding sex addiction. But again, hope i'm wrong.

Hank_Moody wrote on 01 Jul 2018 09:06:

Hi there
what you are experiencing right now is abstinence - pure glorious white knuckling abstinence 
according to the Big Book we act out because we are restless irritable and discontent.
when we stop acting out the only thing that changes is that we are no longer medicating that restless irritable and discontent state of mind so we become even more restless irritable and discontent. 
While it is critical to not act out in early sobriety in order to stop feeding the addiction, and the withdrawal is quite painful at times - this is not the recovery that is a transformative reality that completely changes our lives.
The best way to get that spiritual experience and to get past the “RID” in a twelve step program is to work the steps with rigorous honesty and willingness and a fully open mind. 
A “Big Book” recovery is not how you describe it! 
The very first sentence of the book describes how these hopeless men recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body.
Recovery is a state of personal spiritual growth that lasts a lifetime - but if you think someone with ten years of sobriety who works a good program is still battling every day that’s not the case at all. 
We remain in recovery not to stop acting out every day although obviously that’s an important factor but rather to continue to grow on spiritual levels and gain something that is called emotional sobriety which is far more elusive and desirable. 
If I am struggling then I’m not surrendered.
Learning how to surrender takes time and effort.
working the steps vigorously to truly let go of selfishness and self will takes time effort and willingness.
it only gets better !
Give time time and start to put your faith in Hashem and let go of self will

I think I know what you mean. I can't really even look at my wife (but I'm weird by all accounts, I am 100% confident of that.) But I think the way to beat that is to engage, engage, engage. But engage inba different way. When you go to movies engage with your girlfriend, choose a movie that you'd watch on your own as well.

It's a bit of a lifestyle change because when you have an addiction you can tolerate a lot thanks to the addiction. Once it's gone get ready to look at your life critically so it's the kind of life you want.

Keep it up, things change.

Thank you for your reply.
Of course, I have other thoughts too. And nice moments in life. And more positive thinking wouldn't hurt. No question about it.
The real problem for me now is that when I think of some positive activity - like going to movies, theater, park etc., I know that there will be lots of women there and I will feel bad because of it. So instead I try to stay home as often as I could. Which is fine with me (although it is escapism for sure), but not my girlfriend which likes to go out etc. So when I try to make her happy and go out with her, I end up miserable and ruin her mood too. 
So yeah, a lot of people have problems. But at least with alcoholism and drug addiction, you don't see bottles or drugs walking around you every day.  

What about any other thoughts and feelings you might have had in the last 70 days? Did you have moments when you laughed at your girlfriend's joke? Did you have to go to work and get tasks done? Did you have to drive your car? Did you read any interesting articles on the internet? Or did you only exclusively think about this terrible concept for the last 70 days, and nothing else?

If some of the time you thought about other things maybe you could try to keep that up, and do it more. There's no rule that says that you have to have the same lifestyle when you're clean and sober. You can have more fun. You can replace your old activities for more engaging ones. Sometimes to do that you have to think out of the box.

Even after you do all that your problem may still be the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing you think about at night, but you won't be alone. A lot of people have problems that won't go away, not related to addiction. It's kind of part of being human unfortunately, especially after a certain age.

I heard about a lady who rewrote one of her memories. It was a memory of abuse. I have a memory of the first time I saw p*** that was very mean, and which seemed to me both terrifying and delicious at the same time. I think in a way this marked the beginning of my addiction.

I have been asking myself whether I would rewrite this memory if I could. The experience is not there any more, only the memory is. I could try to rewrite it so that when my friend shows me the p*** and I start enjoying it my teacher walks in and makes a big scene, then I get punished and my father (who never once talked me to me about these things) explains to me that women are people too and that they don't really like being used.

The thing is that while the memory bothers me the idea of rewriting it makes me uneasy. I think I am afraid of what might lie on the other side because this is what I know and am accustomed to. But I also feel like I have no more use for these desires.

I once read an article here on GYE about someone who took a long time to recognize he was an addict because his addiction only manifested approximately every 6 months.

I am in a similar situation, dealing with long-term, low-level depression, and addictive behavior manifesting periodically but not constantly. The nisoyon for me might be to come to that same conclusion but so far I have not.

I think the reason that for an addict marriage doesn't fix the problem is that he steers his relationship to his wife so that it becomes just another expression of his disease.

I think one can tell if his marriage is like that by asking himself some questions about it (and answering honestly ...) for example "would I be just as happy in my marriage if I swapped my wife out for a different one?" and "would I be happier if I could be married to a lot of women like my wife simultaneously?" If the answer is "yes" then his wife is really just a service provider for him.

And I don't mean to disqualify marriages that don't fit a certain mold, just recognizing the difference.

From talking to married people, in which most said that marriage made it harder while some said that marriage made it easier and thinking this over I realized (cud be I'm wrong and I want to hear people's opinions) that for someone that isn't addicted marriage will make it easier, and for an addict marriage makes it harder. Because for someone that is single to stop completely is hard because for him it's completely off limits, for a married guy it is permitted sometimes which will make it easier to stop for an non addict. But for an addict he definitely will have a hard time stopping as a single and even when he's married it will still be hard to stop and by him living a double life it will destroy him, and he might lose interest in his wife etc but if he is single he isn't really living a double life and isnt  tricking a person, nor is he experiencing a relationship in which he knows the right way to use it but isn't using it right. All he knows, he's doing something wrong. 

I agree if you are an addict. Maybe he isn't.