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22 Aug 2018 00:03
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cordnoy
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How anonymous is anonymous?
the.guard wrote on 19 Dec 2009 20:03:
Rage ATM wrote on 17 Dec 2009 21:39:
On The Road wrote on 17 Dec 2009 21:17:
i was a bit miffed at the email today which had a letter of an addict who due to his 'caliber,' could not give his real name
whats your name, paco?
LOL Rage ;D I think OTR just means that he was annoyed how the guy seemed unwilling to consider getting the help he really might have needed (SA) because of his anonymity fears. And OTR is right to be miffed at that, but thank G-d the guy was able to recover through our network and didn't need more. Had GYE not been enough for him and he would have kept falling, he would have likely stood at the crossroads where he would have to make a choice between possibly losing his job or getting real recovery. I don't wish that choice on anyone, but if it comes to that, RECOVERY wins. If we think it doesn't now, we'll come crawling back later admitting that we were wrong. :'(
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21 Aug 2018 10:45
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mzl
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I was listening to Sunday Morning Coming Down sung by Johnny Cash and I was amazed at how different it sounds than when Chris Kristofferson sings it. Johnny Cash sounds like an addict singing it, it's not bitter, it sounds a little moralistic with a lot of compassion.
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20 Aug 2018 23:09
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cordnoy
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Lots to learn from uncle Jack:
JackAbbey wrote on 31 Aug 2011 23:12:
BOOM!!!
I just heard that i am about to loose my job!
i lost my business last year, and now my job
i know that my addict was the culprit, as i wasted hours upon hours every day (& night), & of course nothing got done in time, i am nkabel bahavah, & thank hashem for giving me that punishment, as it is a direct result of my bad behavier
(interesting, that it only came now after 25 days clean)
a few weeks ago i watched a spider creating a web, then i saw a fly flying right in it and the spider caught it, i learned a few things from it, 1) the food is ready for you, your worrying doesnt make any difference, 2) i have to make that web, i have to try whatever i can, 3) never give up, the web got distroyed soon after it made a new web
i was recently in the NJ beis hachayim i didnt see a single thombstone stating that this person died from hunger
so i am sure that hashem has parnoso ready for me, i just have to search for it
today i got a excellent good regard from my sons yeshiveh, never had such good feedback, so i loose here and win there
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20 Aug 2018 17:16
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mzl
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I was thinking about the fact that Rashi says that the rebellious son is killed because of his ultimate end. He will rob others in order to get his drug. People do averas all the time and Hashem doesn't kill them to prevent them from doing them, which implies that the prevention is intended as a service to the rebellious son. Somehow deep down he wants to stop but he doesn't know how, so Hashem kills him.
Some people will immediately see a distinction between this and addiction, basically for fear that the resulting self hatred will cause someone to act out, and even more people will keep quiet when this compartmentalization is expressed, for fear of retaliation. But I think here the Torah is talking about good old addiction and the remedy is entirely applicable today for those who desire it.
However I do think that nowadays for an addict to ask for death would be a haughtiness.
Plus being an addict is a huge learning experience and whenever people challenge themselves and learn new things I think Hashem has huge satisfaction from that.
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20 Aug 2018 01:20
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cordnoy
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And again:
with thanks to allah, i am now coming up on seven clean days, i feel like i am getting back into my program...trying to live the life gods dealing and finding it easier to turn my attention away from lust...
sb, a person can live and not die on a 300/day calorie diet...yet, we dont think a person that lives on a 1800 calorie diet as an overeater...unless youre Christopher McCandless, and youre not, cuz hes dead, youre an overconsumer to some degree...besides, the relationship you have with your wife is not the same relationship you have with your mom, your roommate or your best friend...if you two get along dandy, are honest with each other, can talk about anything and have a real good time hanging out together but youre not having sex then youre not having a good marriage...certainly, the sex addict has come to believe he or she needs sex waaaaaay too much and, craves the dopamine at unhealthy levels that the brain, at this stage of our evolutionary process, cannot handle, but my point way back then was that sometimes, even the sex addict can have legitimate gripes about not getting enough sex...and what struck me as a truth was what i was TRYING to say which is that we may have real concerns but the solution we offer is just about the worst one we can possibly bring to the table...because when you turn to the Pr0n, you will pay the piper...there is no, "im just gonna squeeze this one out and move on, go right back to where i was and continue on my merry way"...nope, nope, nope...for every single act of lust, you will pay in pain...at least i do...i pay in pain, and more pain, and then a spiraling stinging pain...to the point where i have no choice but to turn to SA for some sanity....and so whatever problems i may have, and trust me, nigs, problems, ive got, the solution is clearly not the false god i have been worshiping...i guess that what was meant by "it took every last acting out to get me to recovery"...i think im at a point where i am willing to put everything aside...put down my own "knowledge" about this disease, put down my hangups about SA, put down my "i just gotta have its," put down my questions and put down my self-interest and just listen to what SA has to say and just do it...go to meetings, daven to hashem, connect with real people....i cant do it alone but with the help of this forum, my group and of course, the big ole sensei in the sky, maybe...just maybe....
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17 Aug 2018 17:32
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Markz
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The other Nuclear Reset Button
(The real one is in my signature below)
Dov wrote on 22 Mar 2013 00:55:
Tehillim, kedusha, and even the 12 steps with meetings, sponsors, written stepwork, and regular phone calls whenever in trouble, etc - none of them work at all if we still do not really need to stop.
See, right after we masturbate, everybody wishes they'd stop! So us frum guys suffer so much, struggle so hard, and fight tooth-and-nail (all l'Shem Shomayim, of course). But we just don't feel right, do we?
There is only one surefire way we all know to bring our dirty, yucky, painful selves close to Hashem - really honestly close:
masturbate again!
Within a minute or so we find that we are dropped cold out of lust like a rock. Brought to our humble, reeling, holy senses again like the worst cold shower in the world. It's horrible five minutes later. We become frantic to finally fly right, despondent, ready to reach out like never before..."I'll do anything to quit and not fall the next time!" See? We are brought back to our senses! We wanted nudes five minutes ago - and now, all we really want is sweet tahara! Because we masturbated and 'got it over already'.
It works every time. It's the nuclear reset button, isn't it?
After our painfully intense 'zera levatola', life and avodas Hashem suddenly and painfully makes sense again. Sure we are farther away - but at least we are in the game again! ..or so we think. The sex obsession is blown out of us, gone. Holiness is again in view, at least. Menucha...
...for about a day (maybe) 
Maybe I became willing to start recovery because I got tired of reset buttons, that's all? While we are flaming addicts, there eventually comes a point at which we realize that in order for us to live successfully we do not really need to give in and end the game by masturbating (again) so that we return to our holy senses. This is a total shock to a frum porn and sex addict.
We always saw our lusting, fantasy, and sex-with-self as the opposite of our avodas Hashem...and surely, the lusting and the fantasy always are. But not so the zera levatola! So often we held our breath, counting the days till....till it built up to a crescendo of crushing tension. Then we used the good old nuclear reset button - ending the game. We just couldn't take it any more. How long can you hold your breath? Eventually, everyone who is holding their breath needs to come up for air! So we fall, R"l. "It's Game Over, I guess," the poor guy says.
But it's not really ending the game at all! It's just starting a new game!
Anybody here who has ever been addicted to computer games knows exactly what I mean, here, by "GAME OVER" just being a reset button. Think it over.
Hatzlocha using this.
(Hatzlocha using anything!  )
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16 Aug 2018 13:33
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RidingTheWaves
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15 Aug 2018 14:04
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RidingTheWaves
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Day 5
Last night was tough, i was feeling pretty down and lonely and i thought about acting out but i realized even though i'm feeling down I CAN'T AFFORD to act out. So I decided to take a bath (something that i never do anymore) and i was so impressed how calming it is too sit in hot water it really helped me to calm down!
This morning I had an extremely close call, pretty much i was looking for a list of shadchanim as i was looking for a certain shadchan's number so i googled it and it lead me to a link to a post on facebook (I was on a work computer that was mean't for people to do their private work as such it's not filtered. bad choice  ) anyways on the side it shows you "people you might know" and there was a picture that was very tempting. without even thinking i clicked on it and it lead to a username with terrible pictures. B'h I got the strength and quickly exited. The whole ordeal lasted less than 10 seconds.
But i walked away realizing how strong my addiction was, even though right now i'm feeling extremely driven to stay clean without even thinking about it it lead me to automatically press on that stupid picture. B'h I got the strength to quickly exit! but that was a close call!
 I'm Grateful for another day of sobriety!
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15 Aug 2018 05:17
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Chabad chassid
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make sure you take care of your addiction before you get married, getting married wont help you, it will probably make things worse and ruin your marriage
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14 Aug 2018 17:10
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mzl
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Dovid824 wrote on 14 Aug 2018 14:52:
If "wealth-building" works in this context, then I suppose other kinds of activities would too. But I don't understand the basic principle.
This topic was bothering so I looked it up. I googled a sentence from that quote from aish.com, which is itself a quote from one of those self-help books. There are a lot of down to earth, intuitive explanations of this principle out on the web.
People are interpreting this to mean that sex is a the fundamental drive, and they are channeling it into something else. To me this sounds fishy. I think what's really going on is that there is a drive in man which has to be satisfied and this can only be achieved through actions, which leads some to think that one action is fundamental and the others are secondary.
I think the fundamental drive is something about watching the world around us, drawing conclusions, forming plausible explanations for what we see, etc.
Sex can go a long way to satisfy this need. I for one think that the greatest sexual satisfaction I achieved was at times when I pleasured my wife in unexpected ways and watched her go through the experience. Compared to that acting out is more like scratching an itch. So it makes sense that a person that has great sex is not driven to build wealth.
If your ideal of success is wealth then working is the highest expression of this. But if you are a kollel man, then the highest expression is learning Torah. We know that the yoke of wealth building is removed from one who carries the yoke of Torah. And we know that learning Torah in a general sort of way decreases sexual desire.
None of this helps address sexual addiction, but it's valuable info nonetheless.
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14 Aug 2018 14:15
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RidingTheWaves
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abieham wrote on 07 Aug 2018 23:33:
This post isn’t so much about my struggle but more like a place to vent my feelings about the future. I am 22. For the first time in many years I got up to 130 days thanks to my sponsor. It felt great. I fell last week and haven’t gone back to the shmutz. It hurt to fall, but I realized I used to fall 2/3 times a week so I am happy of my achievement.
but other than that I am worried about falling in the near future. I feel quite lonely. I am so alone during Ben hazmanim. I had my first date this week. I was so nervous. I was told she didn’t like it. She doesn’t want to continue. It doesn’t help that my friends are getting engaged now. 3 just came back from Israel after Pesach and are engaged. It makes me jealous and worried about my future. Will I find a girl that suits me?
This addiction has made me so insular and quite sad and alone. It doesn’t help that I come from a broken home and want to marry from a regular yeshivish home. Will I find what I desire? I feel sad and worried.
Wow it sounds a lot like my present situation i totally relate. The loneliness, Stress of shidduchim etc,
keep posting and sharing your feelings. don't keep them bottled up inside you!
Love Yankel!
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14 Aug 2018 13:56
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growup
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Markz wrote on 14 Aug 2018 04:29:
growup wrote on 13 Aug 2018 21:20:
markz wrote on 21 Apr 2016 22:09:
The first half wouldn't be triggerin for me to write, but the 2nd half yes. So I would skip writing it. What's the purpose?
what if its triggerin for others? should i be thinking twice before i glorify a sizzelin hot dark brown smokin' piece of club steak to a public forum of where the range of people on here, are from just browsing to addicts to unfortunately some people who looking for triggerin materiel?
What did you mean by "the benifit of reading will outweigh the loss?
No one that is interested in recovery who shares their struggles with others intend to glorify anything, do they?
that wasnt my question, the guy who started the thread brought up a very valid point - that is, Please note, while it is a good thing to be open and honest with others, it is not helpful to paint a picture with vivid details of what we struggle with. This can be triggering for both parties if you recognize that quote its the announcement that pops up every time you open the site - but it seemed like you were saying that במקום ספק if it wouldnt be triggerin for me to write it and it would help me i should post it - i was just trying to figure out if maybe we should go the extreme other side just in case there is someone that may get triggered by someothing
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14 Aug 2018 06:27
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kavod
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Not to take out responsibility but this kosher article is interesting. [1]
Researchers now believe that about 60% of addiction is epigenetic.
That is. We may be born with a unique fixed DNA, but how we read the DNA changes depending on our lifestyle and environment.
I guess Hashem decides when and how to change the DNA, but we do have a lot to say about how we tap into our DNA.
If we interact badly with ourselves, that means we have procedures that activate DNA for the bad in our cells. This also gives rise to diseases, bad tendencies, inclinations.
If we have a good way of live, all our cells multiply with the good way of reading the DNA.
We have free will and can fix and redirect behaviours, that in turn changes the cells and the way it reads the same DNA.
How then does it get transmitted?
Excerpt from Transgenerational Epigenetics [2]
During mitotic cell divisions the epigenetic states are inherited from one cell to another, but much of the epigenetic message of the genome is reset during reproduction of an organism. However, the epigenetic erasure process is not complete and meiotic epigenetic transfer of information may allow phenotypic traits to appear in subsequent generations, a process referred to as transgenerational epigenetics. The epigenetic information, often established by mechanisms such as DNA methylation, histone modifications, and non-coding RNA, may not only influence gene expression in the first generation of offspring, but may persist for multiple generations.
In short. Though there is a general reset in our children DNA, our behaviour and lifestyle, can affect a few next generations.
The Lord, the Lord, compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in loving-kindness and truth … Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation.” (Ex. 34: 7)
So I guess, we do get this hereditary pathologies, but can change it for good, and fix it for generations to come.
"But for those who love Me and keep My commandments, I show love for thousands of generations" (Exodus 20:6)
I guess you go back to read the DNA as is supposed to.
And this is why our tasks is so important. We must be clean.
This is the porpoise of our struggle, to fix. To be participants in who Hashem wants us to be.
The "bread of shame" is one reason we must build ourselves. We do not want to be robots and be entities that all is given to us done, easy, free.
This concept, "nahama d'kisufa", is deeper. Hashem gives. We receive. Hashem created us to be more like Him.
So then, how can we give to Hashem? Does He need anything from us?
Well. This is this world - An opportunity to give Him; an opportunity to give others; an opportunity to be more like Him; an opportunity to be givers.
An angel can not do that, nor any other being. Only human beings can decide to give back to Hashem.
And if it were easy, how then would that make us participants?
Let's be that generation, the generation that gives the final tikun not only to ourselves, but to our descendants, to creation, and the core reason, to our connection with Hashem.
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14 Aug 2018 04:29
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Markz
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growup wrote on 13 Aug 2018 21:20:
markz wrote on 21 Apr 2016 22:09:
The first half wouldn't be triggerin for me to write, but the 2nd half yes. So I would skip writing it. What's the purpose?
what if its triggerin for others? should i be thinking twice before i glorify a sizzelin hot dark brown smokin' piece of club steak to a public forum of where the range of people on here, are from just browsing to addicts to unfortunately some people who looking for triggerin materiel?
What did you mean by "the benifit of reading will outweigh the loss?
No one that is interested in recovery who shares their struggles with others intend to glorify anything, do they?
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13 Aug 2018 21:20
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growup
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markz wrote on 21 Apr 2016 22:09:
The first half wouldn't be triggerin for me to write, but the 2nd half yes. So I would skip writing it. What's the purpose?
what if its triggerin for others? should i be thinking twice before i glorify a sizzelin hot dark brown smokin' piece of club steak to a public forum of where the range of people on here, are from just browsing to addicts to unfortunately some people who looking for triggerin materiel?
What did you mean by "the benifit of reading will outweigh the loss?
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