Thistimeillwin wrote on 16 Sep 2018 11:31:

You really don't know that your sex addiction is your "true" colors either. It's one aspect of your complex mind. And what others would do to you if they saw your hidden side can't define you either.

What are the other challenges? Hopefully they are of a practical nature, not a psychological one?

When you give din v'chesbon you'll be able to say that despite the fact that you like p*** etc you forced yourself to be a frum man (which is a hugely demanding commitment) and thus forced yourself to bear this spiritual challenge in the most painful way possible. And for extra credit you can say that you hung out on the GYE forum to be motivated to transform yourself.

I think it's very difficult to deal with the internet situation you described.

Have you looked at the options that are available for changing your behavior? They have a handbook here which reviews them.

abieham wrote on 16 Sep 2018 04:14:

I read your other posts just now, you sound depressed, which is a dangerous thing because it kills your motivation. Are you feeling down because you came back from Israel? Did you like it better there? If so, why?

Regarding dating, try doing it a lot, and to have a lot of rejections. Dating is like interviewing for a job: for every promising interview you must have so many bad interviews. So every rejection brings you closer to your goal. Think "I was successfully rejected, I'm closer to finding my soulmate."

For maximum spiritual success you should not aim to marry a great, valuable woman. Look for the woman that is best for you. Daven for that. It could be a person you don't expect. And also make a list of what's important to you in a mate.

"Broken home" is a label. It's a distortion. It says nothing about you. A lot of people's parents are divorced. I don't think trying to marry someone whose parents are not divorced is a good goal. It's hard to find the best mate even without without irrelevant constraints . The status of her parents' marriage is irrelevant. In fact she could be neurotic if her parents stayed married but don't really love each other. You can still convey to her your hurt about your parents getting divorced and your anxiety about that happening again. Be direct about that.

I have a feeling that if you are depressed and you get past it you'll get back on track regarding your sexual addiction as well.

grateful4life wrote on 12 Sep 2018 06:48:

For non addicts there is a recognized mehalech of minimizing masturbating and only doing it during specific windows of time - which teaches self control. In order for it to work well, it is usually done under the record keeping supervision of a rebbi or therapist. 

forging on wrote on 12 Sep 2018 04:34:

Hi
I think posting here often is a great action of recovery and I look forward to reading about your progress.
On the other hand reducing but not eliminating your mzl may not produce your desired result. As the big book of alcoholics anonymous says, those of us that are addicts can't take even one "drink" if we expect to stay sober. "Half measures availed us nothing". As much as we've tried, we can't control our lusting like regular people can and once we start "drinking" a little lust we get sucked in and can't stop.

In your initial post you wrote "I feel like I need to join PA if I want to even have a chance...". That to me sounds like a seriously chronic struggler who's tried to stop on his own every which way and now realizes that he needs to try something else to have any chance at stopping. If so lust, which is the driving force of our acting out, will overpower us if we keep on drinking it, albeit in moderation.

With Blessings,
G4L

mazel tov!!

This conversation took place today between my yetzer horag (yh) and yetzer tov (yt)

Yt: wow! Wow!
Yh: what's the wow?
Yt: what do you mean? I just reached 90 days clean today on first try!
Yh: so what? you still had these lusting thoughts from time to time..
Yt: well that wasn't intentional
Yh: but your only clean based on gye's  terminology, you still subconsciously look at woman and fantasize
Yt: so what? I didn't act out for 90 days and our action is what we can control, we can't have complete and constant control over our thoughts
Yh: so many guys reached 90 days and still fell, so what are you celebrating?
Yt: tommorow is the future I'm just focusing on the present!
Yh: I still haven't given up on you
Yt: neither have i
Yh: I'll put more effort to get you to fall
Yt: and I'm counter attacking and putting much more emphasis to stay clean.
Yt: just the fact that I'm clean for 90 days consecutively, shows me that I can survive without acting out.
Yt: I'm going to tell everyone that they too can defeat you
Y"h: oh man! He's actually winning me
Y"t: great! Hopefully moshiach comes right away and hashem will shecht you finnaly so we wouldn't have to constantly fight you!

For all those that haven't read my whole thread, I'm a 22 year old single Bochur, non addict and bh just reached 90 days on first try, one day before Rh! Definitely will have a totally different Rh like never before bh!

What keeps me going is, 
1) hashem helping me out! (Miracoulsy found gye just over 3 months ago)
2)the huge desire to get rid and to put an end to this after all these years
3) the 90 day challenge, iyh my next goal is to reach 200 days clean (thanks to the advice from hhm)
4) seeing that so many normal people have this struggle and I'm not a low life for having this issue
5) people's inspiration and talking to people

Wishing all of you a sweet clean and happy year!!

Speakin' of beginnin', I found this stashed away post from even before GYE was stashin' posts:

The beginning is the hardest. Think of it like this...

Do you think about walking on a daily basis? Chances are not. You most likely do it without concentrating on it or even realizing it. But when you were first learning to walk, it sure didn't come that easily. Watch a toddler and you'll see. There's fear, anxiety, stumbling, and many times "boo-boos". Even though, in the big picture, those incidents are insignificant, all along there is a parent there ready to guide, reassuring, and prepared to kiss the tears away. Why? Because without the parent it would make the whole experience so much more difficult. Most likely the child would prefer to crawl. There's less risk involved. A whole lot less pain. But with the parent by their side, each time they stumble or get thrown off balance they take that experience and learn from it. They learn not to try to walk off the edge of a step. They learn to hold their mother's hand when they are scared. They learn that they'll get "big girl/boy" shoes. They learn to run without tripping. And then, all those times that they did stumble and lose their balance are no longer mistakes. They are building block for their motor skills. Those incidents not only teach them to walk, but they allow them to run, learn to jump, hop, and skip too. Without those slippery spots, they'd never have learned that at all.

Yes, the beginning is a really rough time, but you're not alone. In addition to Hashem who is your parent, you've got all of us, your siblings in this addiction, to help you through. And there will be real struggles, bruises, and stumbling. But it's worth it. In the end you'll not only learn to "walk" the life of recovery, but you'll be able to run, jump, skip, and hop, while being able to support others in their recovery.

About which addiction is your drug of choice, in the long run, it only matters in how you tackle it. It's not which addiction we prefer that is the issue, it's the fact that we turn to an outside means (other than Hashem and other people) in order to feel or not feel. The addiction is our solution to life's problems. It is but a symptom. The problem is our inability to cope and function that is the problem. All addicts need to learn to let go of their maladaptive solutions to life's problems. That's why I can go to any kind of meeting and still relate. It's not about the problem of addiction, rather it's about the solution for living.

Hey Mike. I just got done reading all your posts. I was wrong to assume that your posts are average, they aren't. You are an interesting guy for a lot of reasons. One is that you like SA but so far it hasn't realized its true potential for you. Another one is that you know how to write. And you suffer from anxiety, depression and addiction. And you take medications (and you are physically addicted to them) and they may or may not be helping you. I've done therapy and I'm pretty sure psycho medicines do very little above placebo. They screw you up and then you need to keep taking them, but they don't necessarily help you in the way you hoped. And your therapist may prescribe them because he doesn't understand what else to do for you.

I think you keep running really hard towards better mental health but you are not running in a straight line. And I fear that it's because the real issue may be a mildly bipolar type of problem, like I have. When you are up you want to do the program (which you love). And when you are down you jump off the wagon with both feet because you are down (you know the feeling.)

But you don't understand WHY you are up when you are up, and why you are down when you are down. And until you understand it you are stuck with this. It's a logical nexus in your brain which is too humiliating to acknowledge because it means that you have no intrinsic worth. "I am worthwhile if and only if -----"

But I like your writing and your humor.

I think I am about twenty years older than you. I may have insights that could help (or not.) I don't usually do phone calls, but for you I would make exceptions. I think you are worth it, and I know things about people.

dms1234 wrote on 24 Jul 2014 20:42:

All accurate, except the last line: Addicts don't have a life - I know from personal experience. The moment I allow the addicted side of me to take the steerin' wheel - that is the moment I swerve into oncomin' traffic; and that ain't livin'!

yidintrouble wrote on 11 Sep 2015 21:11:

"Walkin' dead in our addiction" - I believe Rabbi Wachsman said that last night at the Focus event.

Sooo I have identified that every time I indulge in smut or porn or wtvr I end up losing that day and if I do it on motzai shabbat I can possibly lose a week 

lose meaning my spritual intake for the week usually somehow takes a BIG hit as does my family life ....it always ALWAYS HAPPENS ....almost at least 

and even though I KNOW this i STILL indulge about once a week though master a...n and other issues I had seem to sometimes have more handle on 

soo I might have an addiction now completely identifiable because it hurts and has no positive and I only do it for the "high"

well that makes it an illness ....not better but maybe I can now learn more about myself ad how to let go 

hitting bottom is hitting bottom 

nothing else is

Spot on joy of life and iman!

I would add as a non addict and single bochur that personally the struggle at day 20 was much more then day 80, in other words me overcoming my struggle at day 20 meant more to the one above then me overcoming my struggle at day 80, and thats what counts!

אבר קטן יש באדם מרעיבו שבע וכו'

Yup tachlis is that we are working hard to change ourselves , to fight the yh , to overcome the addiction etc this is what gives Hkbh  nachas , so dont get to caught up with the numbers, rather look at the direction your going 
hatzlacha to all

Very impressive on almost getting to 90! I'm jealous! You are an inspiration to others showing that it is in fact possible to do this. 
Realestatemogul - 90 days is certainly an achievement but 90 days in of itself doesn't mean much. It's the journey of change which is important. A person that hits 90 shows that he has mastered to a certain degree overcoming the addiction. The fact that you are holding on strong at day 20 means that you are well on your way to recovery. In my eyes the change is much more meaningful than just hitting the numbers with the numbers simply a siman that the change has occurred/is occurring.
Congratulations once again on this milestone! Mechayil el chayil!

Hi Chevra, Chabirusu kadishusu Hudein...
i was away from this group for along time, i just popped in for a bit here and there but not for real, i am clean for a long time, i have no clue how many days, i stopped counting it, but thats for sure, im clean and i have the drive to stay clean because of you, the memebers of this great and holy group... you help me getting out from this horrible addiction. I just take it one day at a time, and it works wonders...
i do have some tough days and some easy days, but i push it through, B"H.. only with the help of hashem i am where i am, i cant do it alone, impossible, its just impossible. 
Question is, i would love to give back for this wonderful group, money i cant give, i dont have that much, but i  an give back by writing (at least try) a daily post, so my question, is, if you guys will have anything from it, or will it be just for me, and if its just for me, then im fine without it... so far.. will you guys have a boost from my postings or not...
please share with me your thoughts.... 
thank you all and have a wonderful and clean shabbes....

Welcome! 

GYE has years worth of material with all kinds of interesting stories , drama , humor ,etc
A great website to go to when your bored 
just watch out it coukid be addicting..