03 Jan 2019 21:42
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cordnoy
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lomed wrote on 02 Jan 2019 19:08:
Helo our fellow traveler escaoe artist, and Welcome.
Wow!!!!!! What a share!
I am here over 4.5 years (hope i am not mistaking with that). I am active on the Yiddish website. Log on to this website here and there. Havent posted pretty long. However the title caught my attention. I clicked on it, and read your post.
Been there done that.
I so relate to all what you wrote .
I can offer you words of encouragement. I cannot beleive that I am sober today for so long. This is an amazing miracle that Hashem has done for me and is doing for me one day at a time.
So yes, if I can then you can. I have a history of 17 years of acting out and trying to fight this on my own. i also have two streaks of sobriety, which the first was 690 with a one night relapse, and then currently 716 days one day at a time.
I want to tell you to stay here and find the tools that work for you, and wish you lots of Hatzlacha on your road to recovery.
From a baseball hittin' streak, yes, it was broken in the middle. Relevant to God, yourself and others, it is 1406 (and perhaps more). It is one of the stupid things about this 90 day countin'. If one gets stuck in an elevator for an hour with an object of his desire (I do apologize to all the folk for callin' you objects) and nature takes over, why in the world is he regarded as a zero? Makes no sense to me. Yes, rules are rules, but if it would be up to me, I would think that the numbers highlighted should be the accumulative days clean, and I probably said this once or twice before.
Gotta run, the elevator beeped for my floor. Goin' up (I hope).
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03 Jan 2019 19:52
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ydid
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by acting out your feeding your addiction! by saying NO YOU are getting healed.
even I dont feel it I AM GETTING HEALED BY SAYING ONE time NO !!!
After all we all want to HEAL.
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03 Jan 2019 19:17
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EscapeArtist
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Thanks everyone for your חיזוק, you can't imagine how good it feels to get feedback from those who kinda understand you. (Or I suppose by now you can imagine, if you're here!) My current streak didn't really start with any serious conviction; as that usually only happens when I'm at an all-time low; but I've been in "recovery" mode for a while, just w/ a slight relapse here & there. I'm scared to start again with all these גדרים, as then it is on my mind all day & night... did I look at that woman too long?...was it for pleasure?... am I allowed to ask that secretary for something?...am I wrapped too tight in my blanket?...
As they say, tell someone not to think about purple elephants & guess what the only thing they can think of is...?
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03 Jan 2019 14:39
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airmale613
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87 days is unbelievable! Imagine it this way, you won 87 rounds of a boxing match! This is a fight, nothing more and nothing less. You are going to take a couple of hits. If you don't get up though, the fight is over. You are doing amazingly. If you got up again and make it to day 90, you can say that you acted out once in 177 days. No small accomplishment.
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03 Jan 2019 04:36
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i-man
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Welcome
Reading your post made me think about my situation not too long ago when I felt like I was fighting an unstoppable force inside me ,
B'H I gave gye a 2nd try and ended up connecting with fellow strugglers and learned how to turn to Hashem and let go
Theres lots of other ways to make it less daunting ..
Hatzlacha and please - no ones laughing _ 87 days is something many cant even dream of.
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03 Jan 2019 04:11
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i-man
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airmale613 wrote on 31 Dec 2018 16:15:
There is a blog known as the Long War Journal which began in 2007 documenting the war on terror. The name rings with me. My struggle is going to be my long war. There will be battle after battle, some will be won, others lost.
I am 40 years old and have struggled with MZL as long as I can remember. I grew up modern frum in a house that took the medical/science route on this issue as being healthy. By the time I got older and learned more, I was trapped.
Lately, I have experiences a few minor parnassa/health issues which gave me pause. It was the shot across the bow that I needed for serious introspection. Long story short, I am not in control, G-d is. And if G-d is in control, what am I doing callously making excuses for aveiros that will keep me from olam haba.
I initially joined this group in 2013 when Hashem sent me my first shot across the bow. I think I hit 50-60 days or something like that. Then as soon as I had my first fall, the yetzer hora had an opening that he capitalized on and I haven't really gotten up until now. I feel that I am blessed in that I am not necessarily addicted to websites or other material, but my acting out was a symptom of emptiness/loneliness/boredom/etc. There were times I acted out for no reason whatsoever, I was just bored.
But this is it. This is the long war that I am committed to. I want to do complete tshuva. For what it's worth, I thought I'd share a few things that have helped me.
1. Commit. Realize that the intent is to win every single battle. There is no defeat. In the past, I realized that planning for how to deal with a fall in excess gives the Y'H an opening to allow it to happen. "A fall won't be so bad, you'll just keep going", the YH says.
2. Learn as much as humanly possible about this subject. You need a constant stream of chizzuk, even on good days.
3. Learn how your Y'H works, then outsmart him. The best way to win a fight is to avoid one.
4. Create a fuse breaker in your mind that immediately flips in your mind when an impure thought enters. For instance, as soon as something enters your mind, within 1 second focus your mind on something like olam haba, the parsha, etc. The key is to flip the breaker immediately.
5. Learn about the bracha that is promised to those that fight their temptation.
Hi I've heard the guys who keep the long war journal being interviewed plenty of times- it sounds awful as we know it's a long painful war without much gained - are you sure that's the stage you want to set for yourself?
One day at a time could be a much better strategy
Hatzlacha
keep posting
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02 Jan 2019 19:08
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lomed
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Helo our fellow traveler escaoe artist, and Welcome.
Wow!!!!!! What a share!
I am here over 4.5 years (hope i am not mistaking with that). I am active on the Yiddish website. Log on to this website here and there. Havent posted pretty long. However the title caught my attention. I clicked on it, and read your post.
Been there done that.
I so relate to all what you wrote .
I can offer you words of encouragement. I cannot beleive that I am sober today for so long. This is an amazing miracle that Hashem has done for me and is doing for me one day at a time.
So yes, if I can then you can. I have a history of 17 years of acting out and trying to fight this on my own. i also have two streaks of sobriety, which the first was 690 with a one night relapse, and then currently 716 days one day at a time.
I want to tell you to stay here and find the tools that work for you, and wish you lots of Hatzlacha on your road to recovery.
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02 Jan 2019 13:08
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Thistimeillwin
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I've been on & off since then, but scared to fight too long, afraid I'll end up in places worse than I've ever been. Any advice from the vets or fellow warriors?
I'm not a veteran, but I 'd like to share with you similar concerns I've had recently. I joined GYE a few months ago with great zeal, only to fall after a few weeks. I too felt the YH creeping through any cracks in my gedarim (some were left intentionally - see my post 'Am I Cheating') and widening them. When I fell I crashed, acting out multiple times a day until it wasn't even pleasurable. Any try to reset was not with full determination, and only lasted a day or two. And yes, I was scared to start again for real, partly because I felt more weakened by the fall than I was before.
A couple of weeks ago I came back to the forum (I was hiding from GYE this whole time - big mistake), and decided I had to give it a real try again. Surprisingly, I found the withdrawal much easier than last time. Last time I took a child to an appointment 1 1/2 hours from my house. The entire ride there and back I had one thought,"if they weren't here I'd pull into the next parking lot and 'take care of business' ." Now I'm much more free of compulsive thoughts and the constant itch in the pants.
The monster fighting back with ferociousness may just mean that he is dying, and fighting for his life. Your 87 days of strangling him did NOT strengthen him, but weakened him considerably. His adrenaline is all that's keeping him from dying more (he'll never die completely until 120). The fact that he comes back stronger at this point means we're really doing a job on him, and he is scared of us. We are the master, we CAN subjugate him to the point where we have more control over him than he has over us, that's how Hashem created the world!
Don't be scared to throw yourself fully in again, you're much closer to the goal than you were before. I can't tell you how far you have left to go to gain the upper hand, but you must pretend you are on a long road trip and you are one exit before the destination. Would you tun around then because you got a flat tire? Fill it up, and keep going!!
As for your opening line " I busted on day 87. There. I got it out. You can all stop laughing now... thank you very much." ARE YOU CRAZY!? I am in awe of you! You are a hero! I consider myself a strong person, I deal with many challenges daily and usually keep my head up high, but day 87!? I cry and daven and hope that I make it that far. I think the last time I did that was when I went to learn in EY over 20 years ago (I kept repeating the passuk ולא תקיא אתכם הארץ as my mantra for weeks and weeks until I had a similar 'bust'). So you didn't make it to 90, you're frustrated you missed the prize. I get that. But is anyone laughing!? No way!! Even the most macho guys here with thousands of days under the belt (no pun intended) remember the suffering, struggling, withdrawal days of their first journey. 87 days is no laughing matter, and after 120 you will find worlds and worlds of schar waiting for you for 87 days of true עבודת השם.
Pat yourself on the back bro, you're a champ. And get back up, dust yourself off, and keep going on this journey with the rest of us. Hatzlocho!
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02 Jan 2019 05:14
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Hashem Help Me
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This is a courageous first post. So open and honest. Welcome. Here you will iyh learn tactics how to deal with the strong urges and lust. I understand your comment about "it was good you were wrapped in a talis" very well. I also went through periods of time where erections happened at the most inopportune and demoralizing times. There is an incredible amount of advice/chizuk/resources available on this site. Familiarize yourself with whats available. Keep posting and at your own pace connect with the helpful chevra here. Hatzlocha.
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02 Jan 2019 04:25
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EscapeArtist
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I busted on day 87.
There. I got it out. You can all stop laughing now... thank you very much.
Hi all, you can call me Moshe (hey, I've been called worse...); I've been addicted to masturbation since at least the age of 6, over 25 years. (No idea how it happened.) Since finding out it was אסור somewhere in high school (I think it was at an extracurricular מוסר shmuess in camp; -not from ישיבה or my dear old folks) I've started cutting back and trying all sorts of tactics to stop. I went through upps & downs, never lasting more than a few weeks at most.
To make a long story short, after about 8 years of my wife thinking she was married to the best hubby in the world (they all think that at some point, no?) I kinda filled her in about my double-life, obviously sparing MANY details, but enough to get her quite upset, as anyone who's been in that situation can understand. I tried the TAPHSIC & similar methods, but I would always come crashing back down w/ renewed vehemence. (They are really wonderful tactics, but for someone like me, it just reinforced the fact that I CAN'T control myself without fences blocking me; ממילא once I'd leap the fence I'd hit the ground running...)
I finally got so fed up (usually happens when you keep forcing yourself to do something because you HAVE to, not bec. you WANT to even...) that I sat down and wrote a detailed goal for myself (based on a lecture I heard from R' Avi Shulman - phenomenal person), complete with the whats, whys, hows, what ifs & whens. This worked for longer than ever. I was slated to hit day 90 in middle of עשרת ימי תשובה, beautiful. Problems started after a few weeks, the addicted mind starts going crazy. You start finding ways to ever-so-slightly break גדרים, without really falling... then that's not enough, the brain gets crazier, crazier than ever before. seriously, every שוַורצָע on the street became this crazy beauty in my eyes. I started contemplating things I never thought of before. Spent most of the ראש השנה davening standing at my shtender, but in my head i was very intimate with the shiksa from the hardware store... ( good thing I was wrapped in a talis - והמבין יבין).
צןם גדליה I felt sick, was laying in bed & finally broke the last גדר - applied a drop of pressure & basically exploded on contact. (sorry mods, I'm new here I don't know how graphic is accepted, feel free to edit).
I've been on & off since then, but scared to fight too long, afraid I'll end up in places worse than I've ever been. Any advice from the vets or fellow warriors?
Thank you all, עמך אנכי בצרה, much הצלחה in this קידוש כבוד שמים!
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01 Jan 2019 01:59
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Hashem Help Me
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So I am trying a new approach.
My new approach is to prevent the stress from building in the first place by giving myself some "Me time."
And to take a twice or thrice daily "Stress temperature" test to see if I need urgent action to "cool down."
You hit the nail on the head! Actually two nails! Recently a therapist who happens to deal with a lot of sex addiction cases in the Orthodox community said that for some reason we fail to train our kids and teens to regulate their emotions. We "overheat" because we don't take our "stress temperature".... We also set high expectations for our kids and do not provide enough "me time" as you call it.....
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31 Dec 2018 16:15
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airmale613
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There is a blog known as the Long War Journal which began in 2007 documenting the war on terror. The name rings with me. My struggle is going to be my long war. There will be battle after battle, some will be won, others lost.
I am 40 years old and have struggled with MZL as long as I can remember. I grew up modern frum in a house that took the medical/science route on this issue as being healthy. By the time I got older and learned more, I was trapped.
Lately, I have experiences a few minor parnassa/health issues which gave me pause. It was the shot across the bow that I needed for serious introspection. Long story short, I am not in control, G-d is. And if G-d is in control, what am I doing callously making excuses for aveiros that will keep me from olam haba.
I initially joined this group in 2013 when Hashem sent me my first shot across the bow. I think I hit 50-60 days or something like that. Then as soon as I had my first fall, the yetzer hora had an opening that he capitalized on and I haven't really gotten up until now. I feel that I am blessed in that I am not necessarily addicted to websites or other material, but my acting out was a symptom of emptiness/loneliness/boredom/etc. There were times I acted out for no reason whatsoever, I was just bored.
But this is it. This is the long war that I am committed to. I want to do complete tshuva. For what it's worth, I thought I'd share a few things that have helped me.
1. Commit. Realize that the intent is to win every single battle. There is no defeat. In the past, I realized that planning for how to deal with a fall in excess gives the Y'H an opening to allow it to happen. "A fall won't be so bad, you'll just keep going", the YH says.
2. Learn as much as humanly possible about this subject. You need a constant stream of chizzuk, even on good days.
3. Learn how your Y'H works, then outsmart him. The best way to win a fight is to avoid one.
4. Create a fuse breaker in your mind that immediately flips in your mind when an impure thought enters. For instance, as soon as something enters your mind, within 1 second focus your mind on something like olam haba, the parsha, etc. The key is to flip the breaker immediately.
5. Learn about the bracha that is promised to those that fight their temptation.
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26 Dec 2018 22:46
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Freedom18
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Hi everyone, I'm just about 19 years old and in yeshiva. I've been struggling ever since I was a little kid... ever since I could remember. Sinve as I was growing up I was around unfiltered internet constantly. I very much want to end this lust and have not be taking over my life any longer. But I feel like I may be addicted or I may not be. Im not sure because I have a specific urge and lust towards a specific part of the body very much accessible to the eye at any time. Is there anyone out there who I can connect to or even maybe has the same issue I do plz let me know. I am desperate.
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21 Dec 2018 02:46
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Shivisi_Hashem
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Hi all,
i wasnt here for a long time, but im active in recovery..
im looking for sexual addiction meditation recording.
would anybody have to share one with me, or direct me where i can get o e to download...
thanks
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13 Dec 2018 04:42
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Iwtbf613
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So I figure that I should once again check-in to my personal journey to 90 days forum post. BH, I just celebrated 14 days clean, today was my 15th day. As I've said before, in truth I am 17 days clean, but 15 days in a serious course of recovery. I have been checking into GYE website several times a day whether it is to read articles, check in on forums, have personal chats, or most importantly work the GYE principles. I have a penzu account (a really wonderful resource for those who are still hiding their "dirty little secret" and need an online journal that they can write openly in without fear of being discovered) that I write daily in and have been doing reflections on the GYE principles.
Just to do some honest self-reflection and to be open with you all, even though I am 15 days clean, I find myself looking at posts from people who have had accounts for several years, but don't have serious amounts of clean time. I know that this is coming from the yetzer hara, since how ridiculous is it to look at someone with maybe 50-70 clean days and scoff at them when I only have 15 days?! However, I think it's really important for me to identify these moments of arrogance so that I can realize the absurdity of them, where they are coming from, and what the yetzer hara is trying to use them for. Rabbi Shalom Arush says in his amazing book "The Garden of Peace" that the ultimate root of lust is arrogance. When a person is arrogant, they feel that they can have pleasure without any sort of necessity to give in return. This is the exact nature of my addiction: I seem to have some "peter pan syndrome" where I'm afraid to grow up and as a result, I would much rather not have to work for my pleasure and just look at porn and masturbate instead. In a sense, correcting my addiction to lust is correcting myself as a human being since my lust is ultimately the false self-medicated panacea that I've used to treat symptoms of a diseased existence, one in which the self has been placed at the center and all responsibility as been pushed away like the plague. But no more! I can and will be the man that I know I am supposed to be! The man that my wife wants and my children need me to be for them.
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