Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 22 Jan 2019 04:24:

I'm to tired to go to the computer but I wo t be able to fall asleep but knowing what the heck a hydrometer is please explain 

HELLO everyone  I am somewhat new to GYE.  I have always been a fan of what GYE does. Thank you GYE.
so here is my story. I have been struggling with porn and masterbation for as long as I can remember. I always felt so alone in my addiction. I would act out without realizing. I felt depressed mainly because I knew it was wrong and I felt I had no control in what I was doing. 
I went off the derech for a short while in my teens up until I had a scare of my life. I came back to hashem and made a resolve to keep a clean life of all schmutz. I had a few falls every couple of months but I came back on track right away. I met my wife and also had a few falls with herself but thank Gd nothing that went all the way or too far. I made a resolve with her that we are to keep clean and shomer till we get married. Which we both succeeded in. I would say I have been clean for about 5 years up until last year. Which the fall had brought me down to my knees. I have been acting out any chance I got. I love my wife and kids so much but this really has taken me out of focus from family, work and life in general. I have put filters and tried all different types of "fences" and I have managed to break through it all. As I am writing this my YH is coming up with ways for me to go to the schmutz. Any advice how I can have that strong will like I had before that no matter what my fall was i got back up to only fight even harder till i succeeded  I'm not finding the same will as before. Side note during the five years of being clean  it was amazing I felt such a closeness to hashem. Tefila was the ultimate high. Shiur was amazing a delight. I looked forward to talking to hashem every chance I got. Today everything is a burden I dont want to do anything at all spiritually. 

Hakolhevel wrote on 22 Jan 2019 00:30:

And it should end with “...and a hydrometer to know the difference.”

EscapeArtist wrote on 21 Jan 2019 02:37:

1. Nice slogan!
2. that was good work that night; excellent stuff!
3. Regardin' your question - when surrenderin' becomes easy, then ask, "what's with hishtadlus?" Till then, the surrenderin' IS the hishtadlus!

Totally off topic, but I like your new Avatar.

Issac wrote on 18 Jan 2019 18:02:

I think this is a very important point.  Why (deep down) are we fighting this?? It may be crucial for each of us to develop strategy based on what is pushing us forward.  Those who have a very ruchniyus'dik reason may utilize different motivations/techniques than those who are just ashamed or tired of living a double life.

For some ideas as to why we want to quit, see this recently posted article. There are quite a number of good reasons besides הקב"ה to quit.  I'm not saying we aren't doing it for Hashem.  Just some of us feel so removed from ruchniyus, that it isn't enough of a motivator at the beginning (I count myself among them).  Hopefully, we will get more 'in-touch' with our other side as we progress and develop a true revulsion to tumah for being against the will of הקב"ה.

lionking wrote:

Thanks for the laugh Simba.

For some strange reason, (-& not bec. she aint pretty) it's easiest to "surrender" & all that only when it comes to the wife... I wish I knew how to tap in to all that spirituality when faced with all the other half-decent looking members of the opposite gender on this planet...

yeah, I know מים גנובים ימתקו... but I thought I was kinda gettiing this under control till I headed back to work this morning...

ain't no rest for the weary I suppose

I'm no expert but "if it ain't broke than dont fix it" Meaning dont worry about all these details if what you are doing works than no need to get technical. 
Kutgw!

Yeah, I know all about that resentment, and the revenge porn, et all.

I would suggest not to take off the glasses for the wife. Hard to explain to her that she is sometimes a trigger.

B"H it worked out for you. Keep it up!

Had an incident over Shabbos, my wife woke me up in middle of the night & (unintentionally) got me very aroused. I was about to pursue my dreams w/ her; & she's like "btw I just started staining..." ouch.
I was expecting to feel tremendous feelings of resentment towards her (as if it's her fault) & G-d, as has always been my immediate reaction, to be followed most likely with some sort of acting out as a form of "revenge". (#crazyaddictmindatwork).
But it didn't come. Instead my brain just reverted to the pattern I've been attempting to implement since joining SA... OK G-d, take care of this for me, I don't need s-x. I was shocked, to say the least. And excited. So excited that I couldn't fall back asleep for about another hour & a half...
I still don't know if I'm doing this "surrender" thing properly, but it's still pretty cool. I was expecting to be miserable when having to surrender myself to G-d, but instead I felt ecstatic & liberated that night.

Still not sure how to fit in השתדלות with all this "surrender" business... Am I allowed to take off my glasses when confronted with possible triggers, or is that breaking the rules, & believing that I can control myself? There probably are no real answers to this סוגיא...

Thank you everyone for your חיזוק! It is such a tremendous help, you should all be זוכה to so much הצלחה!  

I just finished reading a GYE article on conditioned-sex addicts. Frankly i think that both characteristics hold true for me. And although i greatly enjoyed his clear and straightforward approach to explaining addictions (i wish i had read such a summary when first joining SA), i was turned off diagnostic criteria.

Even when reading DSM-5 (yes i have a copy), the criteria are pretty tough, and always subject to the judgemnet of the medical proffesional. There is no simple checklist, that if you fit-in than you are an addict and your life in perilous-danger!!!!    it's don't with שכל and שיקול דעת.

up to here about my inner turmoul/denial about the extent that porn/masturbation will continue to חלק לא מבוטל of my life.

Frankly, i loved my time in SA and although i have alot to say "about the program" and paved my own road to recovery (from approved SA literature and not from a sponsor {which ISN'T OFFICIAL POLICY yet...}), i honestly had an interest to continue benefitting from it myself, and to keep helping others in the program. 

But like all good things, when you are going through a divorce... they backfire and become the biggest EXCUSE that will be used against me, and against MY KIDS RIGHT TO BE RAISED BY THEIR FATHER. So at some point i simply had to cut any connection between me and the 12 steps.      I kept doing the stepwork, and kept growing in sobriety and in recovery, but not part of the program or of GYE.  

To date, i have been meeting a psychologist for a few years already, and although i have been totaly open and honest with him about the whole porn-SA thing, including how and how-much i act out nowadays, i still feel i'm missing out.      First of all, because he personally doesn't give a ____ about הוז"ל and frankly he is happy to hear if i downgraded my filter to the lowest setting and spend time watching movies, he calls it "being normal".

So what i'm trying to say, is that i came back here because i miss the onderfull spiritual life i had working the steps with other people, even if their stories where FAR WORSE than anything i have ever done.     I was't there to call people with "oh i'm powerless, she is SO pretty!!!".    I was there to explore my emotions, deal with my fears, and live a wholesome life CONNECTED CONSTANTLY TO HASHEM.

And that's what i'm looking for today on gye, in addition to not racking-up any more aveiros on lust.


# worries: getting remarried while taking part in GYE in any way. That get's me worried, i wish i could simply portray it as "something of the past, it's over". But frankly, i know deep down inside that without regular maintenance.... i could likely waste so much of my time and potential, and that would simply hurt the marriage.             Hashem will just have to "iron this one out" for me. Together with my future carrear goals and my financial future, and my health, and my ex-wifes endless vendettas (which hashem is working overtime to help me with!! great results there).

thank you for reading my posts.    I wish i could be sharing these verbally with "real people". But simply sharing them here also has a profound impact on me. I know that there are many people who care about me, along with all the other thousands of people posting, and that truly touches me.             Thank you, all of you.  Not just the readers, but also the הנהלה some of which i know on a first name (and last name) basis, and that also adds a big element of sentiment to every post that i type here, knowing that REAL PEOPLE who care for me, are reading it.      

happy to hear you can "white knuckle" it for 87 days....

...but the stepwork will allow you to DIFFUSE all the emotional baggage that sits at the root of your addiction (or 'bad habit' if you insist).


Instead of detaching from all your emotional baggage through LUST, diffuse it with stepwork. Where you will be truly calm, those same triggers won't affect you as much.   

BTW " applied a drop of pressure & basically exploded on contact"  good choice of words. i can't stop cracking up!

1.  ACTUALLY DO THE STEPWORK

2. The purpose of the reading is to either LEARN HOW TO DO STEPWORK or to keep me focused on the program, and not "let my guard down".   Don't subsitute reading literature for the actual STEPWORK

3. you are trying to sovle you own problem...   wrong.      What happened to Let go, and let God?            Surrender.   That's all the program asks of you.           

let me elaborate....
     Not acting out on NATURAL and even the HEALTHY lust cravings.  How do i do that?   By feeling the "humbling-awe" of surrender. Because for some reason it is IMPOSSIBLE for lust to co-exist with "surrender".        I ask all the married guys here (who learn surrender) to try this one out with this wives. I have experimented with it many time in the 'bedroom' (with my wife's permission). even the most heightened state of arousal can be neutralized within less than a minute by bringing yourself to a state of surrender-humbled/awe. 


And this is just "the first step".           in steps 2-3, you find someone who CAN and WILL resolve all your fears-worries-angers-guilt.  G-d.          in steps 4-9 you start identifying that emotional baggage, the more you identify the more you got off your chest.         steps 10-11 is just keeping steps 2-9 up to date.     and step 12 is irrelivant for now.

ACTUALLY DO THE STEPWORK

Yeah that lasted a long time...(thank you HHM for calming me down)
I suffer from "nice-guy syndrome" & don't do well with adversary. 
100%, being unable to stop yourself is not the definition of addiction. it is part of it. This is what I meant, sorry if it was unclear. More definitive is if it takes precedence over everything else, no matter how important; & if you are willing to take serious risks for it, knowing full well there's a good chance of getting caught, & ruining you career, marriage, etc. I was under the impression TTIW already diagnosed himself, but maybe he's wrong, i would certainly hope so!
​As for cigarettes,  I was referring specifically to sex, drug & alcohol addicts. I believe the wiring is different, but no, I am certainly not an expert.

I am cool in general with having disagreement, even cooler with hearing the other side & learning something new. Attitude meant (in my head I hope) to make me look stupid aint gonna work for me. I (as probably most here) suffer from enough low self-esteem, & don't need another reason to "celebrate" in someone else's honor... והמבין יבין.

I know I'm overreacting, but hey, I'm in withdrawal, don't claim to be emotionally stable at the moment. Just figured I should raise the awareness that people like me, (who non-addicts will have a hard time understanding,) need a bit more TLC

Be gebentched chevra!

Workingguy wrote on 16 Jan 2019 05:12:

I like this post!