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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!
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TOPIC: HELP! 663 Views

HELP! 22 Jan 2019 04:26 #338583

  • Emunah2618
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HELLO everyone  I am somewhat new to GYE.  I have always been a fan of what GYE does. Thank you GYE.
so here is my story. I have been struggling with porn and masterbation for as long as I can remember. I always felt so alone in my addiction. I would act out without realizing. I felt depressed mainly because I knew it was wrong and I felt I had no control in what I was doing. 
I went off the derech for a short while in my teens up until I had a scare of my life. I came back to hashem and made a resolve to keep a clean life of all schmutz. I had a few falls every couple of months but I came back on track right away. I met my wife and also had a few falls with herself but thank Gd nothing that went all the way or too far. I made a resolve with her that we are to keep clean and shomer till we get married. Which we both succeeded in. I would say I have been clean for about 5 years up until last year. Which the fall had brought me down to my knees. I have been acting out any chance I got. I love my wife and kids so much but this really has taken me out of focus from family, work and life in general. I have put filters and tried all different types of "fences" and I have managed to break through it all. As I am writing this my YH is coming up with ways for me to go to the schmutz. Any advice how I can have that strong will like I had before that no matter what my fall was i got back up to only fight even harder till i succeeded  I'm not finding the same will as before. Side note during the five years of being clean  it was amazing I felt such a closeness to hashem. Tefila was the ultimate high. Shiur was amazing a delight. I looked forward to talking to hashem every chance I got. Today everything is a burden I dont want to do anything at all spiritually. 

Re: HELP! 22 Jan 2019 04:38 #338584

  • EscapeArtist
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Hello R' Emunah, welcome & thanks for sharing!
I'm copying this from a previous post:
Here's a tactic that helps tremendously for setting goals. You probably won't do it, but do it anyways 'cause it works:
Write down your goal, along w/ the reasons for setting this goal (read often to keep your enthusiasm up), plus a list of "what ifs", think in advance what you should do if tough scenarios arise. Keep a log of what went wrong & what can be done to fix the issue. Specify a reward for every few days of staying strong (i.e. download a song, eat a doughnut, splurge on the hotter mikveh...). 
(Based on a lecture from R' Avi Shulman)

Hatzlochoh Rabbah!

Re: HELP! 22 Jan 2019 21:37 #338594

  • ColinColin
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Welcome Emunah2618

The filters etc are one thing.

But what caused you to fall?

And what positive steps can you take about it, not just filters but positive activities for you etc?

Are you getting enough time for yourself to have some interests?

Re: HELP! 23 Jan 2019 04:53 #338606

  • Emunah2618
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I started my business about 3 years ago and that's when the stress really kicked in. I hadn't smoked in a year and once I started my business I started smoking again. Right after followed pornagraphy but no masterbation. Then I stopped for a while and started again when the stress level went up high again till I couldn't hold anymore and acted out.

Re: HELP! 23 Jan 2019 22:40 #338622

  • doingtshuva
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Stress is a killer.
Acting out makes you forget about the stress, but leads to more stress that leads to. . . . . . .

I know that when I'm stressed I'm in danger.
 NO, It's not all or nothing, just every bit counts!

I failed yesterday, and I might fail tomorrow. But just for today I'm going to give it a try.


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Re: HELP! 23 Jan 2019 23:38 #338627

  • ColinColin
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Stress can be a cause.

It is obvious, but you have to relive the stress in other ways.

No magic cure, but exercise, a healty diet, a good night's sleep all play a part long term.

In the immediat eterm, make sure you "switch off at night".

Stop working, and give yourself two yours to yourself.

Watch a film see friends, read a book etc.

And it may not be possible but could you assign 20 minutes in the morning to reading a nice book before work?
But I understand if that is hard, the morning is often rushed.
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