youknowwho wrote on 07 Nov 2024 18:51:

Tom, I wonder if you’re still feeling despondent. If yes, perhaps sharing can help? I often find that my head is altogether too full of thoughts and feelings to be able ti make sense out of them without the help of a pen (or a Pensieve)….

hellogreene wrote on 08 Nov 2024 02:55:

Yes it's probably related usually people who are addicted to any of these are using it as an escape room for difficulties they're going through a life for example I know myself the day I stop smoking I'll gain weight there is 1.5 ways out of this room 
#.5 is to escape to something healthy we enjoy 
#onerealway to get to know what am I actually escaping from 

iwillmanage wrote on 07 Nov 2024 18:37:

Yes, you are correct. I should've put the context in the quote as well. 

Yet, despite that, there's something here making me feel despondent.

Will try to write more later. 

youknowwho wrote on 07 Nov 2024 18:09:

It might help to quote the whole passage from the white book that cord was quoting:



I've put the key words in bold. 

cordnoy wrote on 23 Nov 2015 14:19:

Very enlightening stuff in this old post from Cordnoy. This line, however...

I don't know whether to laugh or to cry. Very disheartening. 

Weaning yourself off the "top tier crap", only to be driven insane by the "lower level crap" is a pretty useless cause, says a pretty despondent part of little 'ole me. 

I guess in my dour mood, any attempt to explain it away with religious platitudes would be interpreted by me as "cheesy, worthless reverse brainwashing"

This was my feedback email to GYE today:

Hi I have no words to thank you for what you've done for kllal yisrael in general and for me personally.

I like most people who joined the GYE community (as I've come to see), used to think that I'm the only person in the world struggling with P&M, I always viewed myself as two people, one who leads a fake outside life, is an accomplished Rebby in Yeshiva, someone who's known to his talmudim as the best Rebby, the one who helps his students especially in the struggle of inyanei kedusha, a person who is beloved by his wife and family, chavrusos, and friends, Yet the second person, I always felt was a mental retard, a sex addict, a liar, a faker, and most of all a traitor, there I am helping 15 year old bachurim with struggles in inyanei kedusha, when I myself am a sheigetz.

I would always look around at the people around me and think why did hashem create a whole nation of kllal yisral of people who are genuinely chashuva people true to their values, and only one traitor and liar in all of kllal yisrael, who by coincidence happens to be me?

For years I've been running to therapist's thinking that, that's my only way out, but after two sessions I would drop out because I just couldn't afford it, and I got scared that my wife would start to inquire about where all our money is going too. Which is when I started running to Rabunim, but because in my head I was the only person struggling with this, I would be ashamed to say the full truth of what I'm doing, so I would only say that I struggle with inyanei kedusha and I feel that I should give up my job of being a Rebby, although they were all mechazek me and told me not to quit my job, I never got the help I so desperately needed.

Then hashem randomly sent me the meaningful people podcast with the founders of GYE, which was the first time I've ever heard about this wonderful life saving community. A community which first of all gave me validation, and I suddenly discovered that I in fact am only one out of tens of thousands, I'm not alone. A community which made me realize that I don't need therapy after all, and that I'm perfectly normal. A community where helping each other with the utmost warmth and care is number one priority, with volunteers who do the same work that hatzalla doe's for our guf, GYE does with our neshama. A community or better said a platform that teaches the right tools and gives training for our soldiers on the front lines, on how to WIN in the battlefield, through the great f2f program, and all the great videos and shiurim.

And so I signed up and joined the warmest and greatest family in the world, I was sort of in a depressed state when I signed up, but my eyes were lit up when literally a few hours after signing up, I received a email from GYE headquarters, and with such warmth suggested that I reach out to my first mentor HHM, in the beginning I was kind of ashamed and hesitant to make the call, but after rereading the email a few times and feeling the compassion, love, and warmth, I felt ready to make the call.

That, I must say was a life changing experience, I finally had a human being who's listening to me with compassion, and really understands my struggle and pain, it was bliss, he was a live human being, not just a knowledge that there are more people struggling with this, nor was he just a character like donald duck who's reaching out to me online, he was a real human being with real ears that were available and understanding of my plight.

I threw myself into the f2f program at full force, I drank the the daily emails with thurst, and I shared my struggles with the warmest family on earth, and read other people's struggles, over the awesome forums.

My first 3 weeks were hard, or better yet very brutally hard, but with people to talk to on a daily basis, even when it was just shmoosing about anything and everything, just to distract my head from the strong urges, was the best medication I could've ever been given.

And then after about 26 brutally hard day's on the battlefields, a dark cloud finally lifted up and went up & up & up hopefully never to be seen again. That was when HHM texted me that he would like me to start helping others, I was in shock at first, I still considered myself on risky turf, but his belief in me gave me the courage to throw my self into the front lines once again, AS A HATZALLA MEMBER, life has never felt more accomplishing because now I'm doing it knowing that I'm not a traitor anymore.

WHAT HELPED ME MOST:
1. Knowing that I'm not alone, I'm not sick, I'm just a normal human being, one out of tens of thousands.
2. Talking with precious people on a daily basis, mentors, and friends alike, over the phone or in person especially, and on the forum's as well.
3. Dov's shiurim (combined with HHM'S explanation's) on "HUMANIZING HER"
4. The find the fox method, helped me understand that I'm not fighting the thing that I really believe (at the time) is tempting, rather I'm fighting the little ugly green dog with a red bloodied tail who's trying to control me.
5. The mindfulness breathing, really helped me separate the urge from myself, and then just watch it fade away.

There definitely are a lot of other tips that really helped me a lot, but these were the main one's.

I have no words to thank you for everything you have provided us throughout your platform. Hashem should give all the berachos there is, all your prayers and wishes should be fulfilled, and you should have only nachas from your family, and your second family, the GYE family.

Thanks with love, Rebakiva.

P.s. If you find this email as an inspiration for others, feel free to publish it as you wish. I don't mind if you even leave my username on it.

This morning when I said this I felt like King David is talking about my situation. This is how I translated it into my life... I don't even know Poshut Pshat...

A song for the dedication of the house, the house in my heart I'm building for Hashem to reside בלבבי משכן אבנה

Hashem has lifted me up from the dumps and enrolled me into a program of healing... The CEO's of PornHub no longer are able to rejoice over luring me in to buying more tokens

, Lord, I cried to you and you healed me, boy did I cry

Lord, you brought me up and saved me from falling deeper in to the pit of sexual addictions. SO many times that I was about to act out in dangerous ways and Hashem made it logistically impossible

O you faithful of the LORD, sing to Him,
and praise His holy name.

All the clean streaks aka 'life' is depended on his will

During the clean streak, I say, I won't fall back

. But it's all in the will of Hashem. When he hid his face from me, I was lost and fell back again

I realized again that I depend on his mercy to keep me clean, and I cry out and call to him for help

I say to Hasem, what is the gain of me being in the dirt, can I praise you then, can dust praise you, can a porn addict declare your faithfulness?

 Please hear me out and grant me your assistance - I do not deserve it but help me anyways

You will turn all my falls to joy. I will see how all of this helped me become the person I wouldn't be able to become otherwise

Markz wrote on 06 Nov 2024 05:35:

Just like the presidential election, I'm inclined to say a vote here won't make much of a difference.

If you have a problem, you need help. If you are in immediate danger, you need immediate help. If your danger is less imminent, you can try things out as you go.

I spent too long trying to decide if I was an addict. For what? I have a problem that needs help, but why does it matter if the problem is bdavka this type or that type. I worked my way up the food chain of solutions until I found one that worked. Punkt I didn't make it into a SA room to find a solution that is (bli ayin hara pu pu pu) working.

As far as I can tell the only reason a definition of "addict" matters is if you accept three premises: 1) addicts need a specific solution and 2) only that solution will work for addicts but 3) that solution will not work for non-addicts. 

I'd heard about GYE before and they had a presentation in my city during Shovavim a few years back.

What got me to join was finding (and binging) the GYE chizzuk boost podcast. 
 * When someone fails a test, the potential Kedusha stays there and when he later passes the test he gets to collect on all those missed opportunities.
I spoke about some of the chizzuk with a mentor and found out that they had been mentoring on GYE in the past.

Also Rabbi Wallerstein A"H. His speeches about people who struggle with something having a unique connection to be able to help other strugglers through a shared experience. For example: Rabbi Wallerstein would try to find recovered drug addicts to talk to drug addicts, because no matter what he says, there is a barrier from the fact that he cannot fully relate to the struggle.
I had somewhat recently (~0.5 years?) stopped p & m and he inspired me with almost an achrayus to make something positive out of my past battles. 

I joined GYE to try and help others, while at the same time getting chizzuk myself to stay strong and keep working in these areas.

#TheRealVote 3

vehkam wrote on 05 Nov 2024 22:52:

I'd like to throw my welcome in too!
Seems like you're already taking the right steps to get yourself help.

So, to respond to your request for chizuk check out vehkam's thread here. There you will be inspired and come to understand that you too can break free and start to soar!!

Looking forward to seeing great things from you!

yosefms wrote on 05 Nov 2024 17:25:

Thank you for coming here and opening up.  It is possible to overcome this.  I struggled for longer and fell much deeper. Bh I am clean now for about three years and I don’t miss it.  It sounds like you are financially secure. If so, in addition to the advice here, you might want to invest in seeing a sex addiction trained  therapist.  I did that and learned a lot about myself. It was probably the best investment I ever made.  

feel free to reach out to me privately. 

best wishes 
vehkam

Markz wrote on 05 Nov 2024 12:54:

Markz I'm gonna very respectfully push back.

Yes, once someone's in the grips of lust it doesn't matter if his justification is fat wives, fat chassan teachers, hasidic wives, skinny wives, litvish wives, red fish blue fish or two fish. His focusing on the "problem" only distracts from the real problem - his inability to keep his warm clammy hands out of his own pants (or however you want to define his problem).

But when we're talking about societal forces that push people into addiction, then identifying social forces is relevant. Dov has a great recording on the site about why so many frum people become lust addicts. Turns out that lying, hiding, repression, guilt, forbidden fruit and stolen waters, and the whole package of complex emotional background that Judaism  some current educational systems applies to sexual sins is a breeding ground for making the problem worse. 

I'm a big believer in the futility of trying to change the system. But it's a valid grump, and that's what we're all about here.

Grump on my friend!  And keep on trucking.

yosefms wrote on 05 Nov 2024 17:25:

Welcome Reb Yosef!

I too throw my spade in with the above posters who warmly welcomed you and encouraged you to reach out - you will not regret it. The struggle is difficult and we can all relate. You are not alone. 

If I may add one point.

The theme of your post seems to be a request for chizuk. Chizuk to help alleviate your uncomfortable feelings. You wrote that you feel low and ashamed. Chizuk is great for when we are still struggling within relatively "normal" parameters. However, once things progress (as is the tendency of addictive behavior) and spiral towards even riskier and dangerous stuff, it may be time to acknowledge that good old fashioned chizuk just won't cut it. 

HELP, is what we need, asap. 

What will cut it? That is what GYE is here to help you discover. Hope you find it!

This alone time is very scary, not sure why someone would have so much time alone. I don't anything about your life to give you advise but that has to taken care of asap. As long as you have so much time it will be impossible IMHO to work on the addiction.